grisselk19-blog

[grisselk19-blog]

What I want vs what I need

I need someone who will force me to go to the beach, because they know how my second favourite thing to stare at, are the waves caressing the wind's melodic disdain; because they know my darkest thoughts drown in salty water: either my tears or the ocean... I need someone who understands that the sea is the least painful option, and that that's exactly why I didn't want to go to the beach in the first place.

I want a person who will spare me all the battling; who will simply not take me there, who will just buy me ice-cream and cuddle me whilst I get brain freeze, to only make me scream afterwards. Someone who knows the easy way out of things, who doesn't like to see me cry, but who would just leave me to dry if I did. However, what I need is the beauty in complexity, not the pleasure in simplicity.

The person I need should know that my worst enemy is myself, how much I struggle and that the beach could make me vulnerable, or miraculously make me complete; but of course, it all depends, and he knows it. I need him not to leave me alone, thinking about how to slaughter my demons when I know that the more I plot the massacre, they'll just start to slowly kill me first. He has to engage me with his soothing words, like that forcing me to lose myself into my favourite thing to stare at: his eyes.

I want someone who doesn't care, but who does. Who knows I'm conflicted, and that I'm probably the most difficult puzzle he'll ever touch, but I want him to not have the calibre required to put me together. I want someone who will glare at me like death, but fuck me for life. Who doesn't feel the need to decipher me, because breakfast is just a bonus. Who I want is someone as reckless as me, but without the baggage, as my shoulders are carrying too much, and because the person I want will never be good enough.

What I need is a reflection of what I don't want, because what I want will hurt me. I recognise I'm a self destructive person, someone who wouldn't mind die crying; that's why the person I need, will probably end up hugging me, making me laugh, tucking me into bed, and kissing me goodnight every dawn. I am of high maintenance, emotionally I'm not a light weight, but who I need isn't either.

We need to complement each other, be there for each other, go to the beach together, and have six or seven knockouts every week. But I don't like bothering, I don't like forcing people to deal with me, and probably who I need is not who I deserve, because I'll probably drive him crazy, or push him away; after all my longest relationship has been for four weeks, its not like we are going to marry and have kids. So who I want, is who I'll have, until my hips can't smoothly swing. Then maybe who I need, will come over with a magic wand to finally make me happy.

[grisselk19-blog]

Stains

It was the seventh of the eleventh

That I cried the most

It was a grey, rainy day

But I didn't allow my tears

To disguise with the drops.

A blank slate: the genesis.

Down the crystal they go,

The path they leave behind,

Tells a new story every time.

The trail gets washed away,

But the tears on my cheekbone,

Crawling down my face,

That pass by my ears

And tickle my neck,

Always leave a stain.

A stain I can't erase.

My memory is steel solid

When it comes to accumulating pain.

It's the story behind each droplet

That I can't forget,

It fucking stays.

I hate trails,

I hate stains.

But somehow, I love rain.

Funny how when I'm broken

It makes me depressed,

But when the clouds cry,

It makes others blessed.

I want my water to be holy,

But maybe my story,

Is a bit more tragic,

Than a romanticized version,

Of when an angel falls,

And feels destroyed,

And can't be salvaged,

So it just gives up.

[grisselk19-blog]

“i salvaged the spark in my eyes - the one that he stole - and set fire to the woman i once was. i was charged with arson but this poetry is the insurance money.”

- smspoetry

[grisselk19-blog]

I wish female bodies and minds had at least half as many rights as guns do in the USA.

[grisselk19-blog]

mom thinks i’m bright but not vivid enough to illuminate the world to her, i am merely a firefly trapped in a mason jar i just wish she’d poke holes in the lid  - not only because she’s suffocating me - but so i could at least pretend they’re stars

smspoetry (via smspoetry)

Holy shit

[grisselk19-blog]

Atypical

Shattered skies

Graceless winds

Grey rainbows

Broken dreams

Being yourself

Seems unfit

Colours dimmed

Emotions swilled

The boat sank

So did we

No more love

No more glee

Reckless nights

May God forgive

Drunk and high

Pain beguiles

Secret sex

Love or lust

Ecstatic climax

The two of us

Pills and booze

The perfect kill

Words that stick

Touch for thrill

Your simplicity

Our denial

My disdain

The complexity

May love remain

May lust burn

May we yearn

May life sustain

Until the two of us

See each other again.

[grisselk19-blog]

Stanger pt.1

Wouldn't it be cool having a friend?

A brand new friend who doesn't care,

Who wouldn't judge, who wouldn't tell,

Simply another soul you just met.

Better still if it's in another time zone,

So behind a screen you can hide your face,

All the sorrows and all the blame,

Splattering on a screen everything you are afraid.

It's not about lying,

It's not about falling in love,

It's about open ears,

It's about not feeling alone.

I need new blood,

Someone who doesn't think I'm weird.

A new person who will put up with all my tears,

Who doesn't know my flaws, who is not fed up of my fears.

I have feelings, I have a lot,

I bet under that silver lining you have the most,

There's nothing like a perfect life,

As we are all condemned to shut up.

I'm a loose cannon,

I can't hold my tongue.

Everything I think,

I'll let you know.

Sadness consumes me,

And nothing is enough.

My flirtness will freak you,

My laughter is non stop.

I guffaw whilst I disappear,

I'm the most conflicted person

You will ever meet,

But not more than you,

Because no one is complete.

You might think you're fine,

But trust me when I tell you,

That from time to times,

You need someone to turn to.

Everyone wants their own stranger,

To virtually lean on when they need to cry,

To light up with him an imaginary cigarette,

When without the vice, they need to get high.

[grisselk19-blog]

Empty

Bit by bit

Strand by strand

You suck on me harder

You tear me apart.

It's the demons I can't stand,

It's the voices I can't calm,

Words of glory, words of wisdom,

Words I can't ignore if I tried.

My mind twists and turns,

My shit still remains,

It's the memory of being alive,

It's the thought of being dead.

Cigarettes to cease the torment,

Coffee to keep me awake,

Vices to keep me going,

But the pain is still the same.

May my soul never rest,

As in agony my spirit screeches,

In heaven's basement,

And in the attic of hell.

The more I try to grasp onto something,

The more my hands are let loose.

It's not me giving up on salvation,

It's the window waiting for me to jump.

It's the sense of void,

Scattered in my chest,

As my heart lays open,

On the kitchen bed.

I feel empty

I feel lost

I feel desperate

Soon I'll be gone.

[grisselk19-blog]

Jealousy

It's your shadow in the darkness,

The one that makes me drool.

The six foot tall figure and sweetness

That makes me not want to lose you.

You are mine truly mine

The only love I ever had.

Your sculptural back facing me

And loneliness driving me mad.

I feel your heat

I feel your absence.

I feel how you're gone

But you're still beside me.

It's too obvious

It's too painful.

You're not thinking about me,

And it makes me jealous.

Your perfection,

Your aroma,

The tears trickling,

And short breaths.

The skipped heartbeats,

The unspoken words,

The piercing pain,

And the last goodbye.

Just tell me now,

Was it all a lie?

[grisselk19-blog]

Supernova

I wanted to be the ink to your love story,

The sparkle in your favourite star.

I wanted my giggles to dance with your happiness,

And my whispers to light up your life. But,

You needed my scars to hurt,

Whilst I needed my hurting to heal.

I need you to know that that little twinkle,

In my eyes is a sign of fear;

That my heart can be suffering and it can be aching,

But the helpless teardrop stinging my eyes,

Will always fix your deepest pain,

As I tumble into the greatest abism one could imagine,

Feeling alone whilst being with who you love the most.

Remember that the night my last tear drops,

The night that between your arms the glistening in my eyes fades,

Your favourite star would have exploded,

And every hope of love I once had would have been in vain.

Because the warmth of my skin won't be enough,

My touch won't be the same,

My brightness won't lead your way.

Because what bends eventually breaks.

Because what is bright eventually dims.

Because your favourite star was the sting,

The piercing sting that clouded my vision,

That numbed and patronized my mind.

I know you loved the weak smiles,

I know you loved how it made you feel,

But did you ever think of me?

Because the pain became unreal.

Now that my passion is lost,

Now that my flames burnt out,

Now that your favourite star is gone,

Which one of my sparkling sisters,

Will you use to cease your soreness next?

Which one of them will you compare to me?

Because I doubt that any other will sacrifice their bliss,

For what ends up being your unsatiable needs.

[grisselk19-blog]

What a Friday night feels like to me...

Hiccup

I had too much to drink last night

I was laying there on the floor

Laughing my guts out

My brother freaked and asked

‘Are you okay?’

I said, 'Yes it’s just my sadness

Coming out.’

Man, I had too much to drink.

When I drink I start spilling things:

'I love you’s and 'I’m sorry’s’

And 'did you know that I’m dying’s’

And all things depressing

Maniacal laughter in place of tears

A plethora of emotions

Unbottled in a cup

Of sparkling truth serum

And the next day I pretend I don’t remember

As I silently upright my bottle

And refill it.

[grisselk19-blog]

😍

darling, you’re a flower. you bend so easily in the wind. but you stand so so so high. darling, you’re beautiful, and i know you know, because of your smile, it’s bright. darling, don’t cry, because the rain does it for you already. your sun’s gone, but that doesn’t mean it’ll be gone forever just that, your rainy days will be a little longer before you raise your head and realise the sun’s back. darling, the stars dance for you, so get up and dance with them. open your petals, spread your leaves, look up, for the love of the sky and dance with the stars.

[grisselk19-blog]

What Am I?

My hair, as crisp and dark as the surface of pavement under the summer heat. My skin, the charcoal burning with fury in your chimney on a winter morning. My eyes, the infinite amount of stars you gaze at on a fresh spring night. My body, as bare as an autumn-syndrome tree. My face, shinning with the Sun's glimmer but hidden by the night sky. Me, another soul strolling parallel to the obscure universe with nowhere to go, and no one to be with.