happy-hectic-life - Tumblr blog

[happy-hectic-life]

Do you think the sun is lonely?

[happy-hectic-life]

Since everyone’s confessing things about themselves, here are things about me that I worry about.

1. I don’t know if I want a child of my own because I don’t think I would be able to connect with it. I didn’t grow up in a caring and loving environment and, although I am sympathetic, I can’t be tender and kind all the time.

2. My dad is dying and I can’t bring myself to see or talk to him often. I haven’t seen him since January 1st and I haven’t talked to him for a month. The only reason we talked was to go over logistics about if he makes it to the next step of his care. I’m conflicted on if I want to make changes in my life to help him because he doesn’t have many people who will be there for him.

3. I won’t work a traditional job. I have to have full control over my schedule and be able to go and do what I feel I need to do when it’s necessary.

4. I’m bipolar and have a personality disorder. I don’t comply with medications or treatment because when life gets too calm and regulated I get paranoid and anxious. At one point I was on 6 different medications for psych related problems. I got overwhelmed because they caused me to gain weight and feel sick. So I flushed them all.

5. I feel horribly misunderstood by people who did not have a troubled upbringing with unconventional family relationships.

6. I’m a control freak when it comes to my life. I don’t like relying on anyone. When I think of the future I don’t see a constant person in it with me.

7. I’m afraid of growing old. Working in long term care has scared me. I never want to end up in a nursing home.

8. I don’t know if I’ll ever get married because I need change in my life often. It’s very hard for me to find people I can deeply connect with. I’ll stay because I’m comfortable and play a role. But I’m not happy in most domestic scenarios.

9. I’m afraid I’ll never be actually happy.

[happy-hectic-life]

Happy Saturday with my favorite floofy stinky boy

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daughters who were raised by mentally ill women grow into women who love spencer reid.

[happy-hectic-life]

i'm actually very normal if you ignore everything i have ever said and done

[happy-hectic-life]

cute animals

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Sometimes I talk a lot and sometimes I don’t talk at all and somehow both are embarrassing

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Camping season is at my doorstep and I cannot wait. This will be a year of hammocking

When Inspiration Strikes

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i need to get laid. laid to rest

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Close up bcuz my roots need touched up BADLY

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When I feel a certain unexplainable way I feel like I need to start over. Relationships, friendships, jobs, hobbies, therapists. As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed that just finding all new people still ends up with this out come at some point. So I pull away when I can or default to routine and excuses when I’m able to. Once I feel like this, I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why there’s so many parts of me fighting to take the wheel and it get so chaotic. Then my ‘abrasive side’ has to come out and fix everything. Cut people off temporarily or indefinitely. That’s the only part of me that can rope me back together when I’m trying to spiral. But I don’t even know her. I don’t know if I want her. Sometimes I can’t tell if she’s helping me or hurting me. There’s something seriously off.

[happy-hectic-life]

Here's to the people who weren't abused by their parents, but whose parents sucked anyways. Here's to people whose parents fucked up raising you out of ignorance and not malice. Here's to the kids whose parents didn't know what to do with you so they did nothing at all. Here's to people whose parents are getting better and growing as people but still hurt you. Here's to every mean comment that wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't come from your mom; here's to awkward family dinners because you're all trying to forget;

here's to you, survivor of a thousand 'not as bad as it could have been' hurts. I see you. You aren't alone.

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“don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

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2000’s style track suit is my pick me up for the day

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BPD culture is purposely triggering yourself when you feel empty/numb, so at least you'll feel something.

[happy-hectic-life]

Maybe I’ll build up the courage to run away and start all over again someday. but on a bigger scale than I already do.

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Pouting bcuz i don’t know how to make money off of crypto or selling feet pics. What is a girl supposed to do?