hardyhibiscusboy

[hardyhibiscusboy]

why does being hungry make me borderline depressed? genuinely feels like im having a seasonal depression episode.

other people get hangry and i get...idk what to call it.

its kinda frustrating bc i start believing all the mean things im thinking and then i start wondering where it's coming from. i go to the mental flowchart and the first thing is have i eaten in the last 2 hrs? 3/4 of the time when i feel this way the answer is no and i grab something and feel better??

the human body is ridiculous lol

[hardyhibiscusboy]

i just made the biggest batch of fried rice. it's days like this i'm grateful to whichever chinese person invented it! 🙂

[hardyhibiscusboy]

i've also just been thinking about body mods in general lately. since im not in a place in life where i can safely transition physically, ive been thinking about getting a tattoo.

not a trans themed one, i've actually wanted one since high school but didn't really have spending money until now. it would be medium sized and on my thigh and people on discussion threads say you should start small to get used to the process (was thinking ankle/shin for placement). so i brainstormed a few starter ideas and have to start looking for artists in my area now...which means making a bare bones instagram acct so i can keep some privacy 😕

and i've started considering getting my ears pierced again. i haven't worn earrings since i was young (after figuring out i had sensory issues with hoops), but i think studs would be really euphoria inducing. i might have to buy multiple sets of the same pair though since i lose small things easily 🙃

[hardyhibiscusboy]

update: bought myself my first gold chain! 😎

i've wanted one since last year was my golden birthday (i turned 27 on the day of the 27th) but the desire waned a bit after my hospital stay for trauma reasons i don't want to get into. i'll post the pic when it gets in!

[hardyhibiscusboy]

I have conquered Polyrhythm 2! I feel so powerful rn 😂 Shout out to Signals Music Studio yt channel for helping me understand how it worked.

[hardyhibiscusboy]

having my first flare up in a bit. guess working through my period and a migraine wasn't the best idea...

[hardyhibiscusboy]

And then all of a sudden you will feel like yourself again and your purpose will realign. Sometimes you lose your way and need to take the time to find it again.

[hardyhibiscusboy]

i'm not sure if demiboy is the right label for me anymore? i'm def transmasc tho, so maybe "nonbinary man" would fit better??

i need to look into how that works a bit more...

[hardyhibiscusboy]

was recently touched by a video essay and it broke my dissociation shell and i cried for the first time in months, um...yeah

basically, making a change in your life does mean taking a risk but that doesn't automatically mean you'll suffer; in fact, there's a decent chance you'll experience joy and euphoria. which feels obvious when i write it out, but anxiety and depression like to make remembering that difficult.

[hardyhibiscusboy]

i watched the superbowl asl interpreted stream yesterday! i'm nowhere near good enough to understand everything, but figured adding to the numbers helps show demand. it was great imo; i really felt the energy esp bc i don't listen to kendrick lamar so i didn't know the lyrics

they really should just use picture in picture like they do on normal games for refs; it was a little awkward looking back and forth between screens. it remind me of the one time i tried captiview at the theater. i know amc has open caption screenings sometimes, but they're always at inconvenient times 😑

[hardyhibiscusboy]

Language Learning Goals for 2025

🇩🇪 deu (int): learn more vocab and practice grammar

right now i'm watching kleo on netflix and reading the hunger games book 1. i plan to play a game in german; leaning towards this cute photography game i found, Toem, but haven't bought the full game yet.

🇯🇲 jam (low int): practice more expressive language

mostly i've been talking to myself and need to start writing also

🤟 asl (beg): finish online Oklahoma school for the deaf course; access starts next week so i'm pretty excited! 😁

[hardyhibiscusboy]

i almost feel guilty or tone deaf for wanting to talk about a good thing that happenend to me?? but that's a bit silly, isn't it? me talking about a good exp doesn't mean I can't also be grieving the election result and having my annual seasonal depression episode...

so a pretty major thing happened for me at the end of October. I went on my first trip to Europe! (technically my first adult trip; i went to england as a kid to visit an aunt once)

my mom and i met up with some high school friends of hers to have a birthday celebration on a cruise from greece to spain for just over a week. i got to exp a lot of new things and the weather was almost unreal with how good it was everyday.

we sailed on norwegian cruise line, which was a different cruise line than we've used in the past and actually did some activities instead of just wakking around the port cities, like hop-on hop-off buses and major landmarks like Delos Island near Mykonos and the Roman Colosseum. I also got to use different train systems like TrenItalia and the Barcelona Metro. I wish our trains were like that; I'd def use them more!

There was some culture shock like paying to use the public toilet, people smoking, and not being able to read easily; i did do some language app lessons to learn basic polite phrases like pleass and thank you though. Speaking of language, it was pretty cool the amount of languages i got to hear both on and off the ship. I basically could have filled out a bingo card!

The food on the ship was also pretty good! I actually tried some new stuff like lamb kofta, scalloped turkey and cream of lentil soup. I also tried some ethnic foods like chicken gyro, cannolo and spaghetti carbonara at the stops.

Unfortunately on the last few days on the ship i did catch a cold that was going around. A lot of other people were coughing in the last morning in the buffet 😔

Chronic illness wise, it was a mixed bag. I had a surprising amount of stamina for all the walking around we did; i did make sure to take breaks when i could esp napping after we got back from outings and even stayed on the ship for one of the stops just to rest. I also got a chance to use the wheelchair service and priority lines in the airport, but there were a few moments that challenged me like on the train back to the ship from rome the train platform ended up farther than we thought and we basically had to run to catch it in time (it was the last one straight to the port city). Another time in istanbul, where we had our layover, the gate was all the way at the back of the terminal and i was pretty exhausted by the time we got to the borderline full seating area 🙃😖😔

Overall, I had a good time and I'm thankful I got the opportunity to go! It also makes me more excited for a potential Germany trip in the future!

[hardyhibiscusboy]

my bed's messy and it's really upsetting to look at. it's half dirty clothes and half clean ones that don't fit ever since i gained weight.

i can't put the dirty clothes away tho bc the laundry baskets are filled with clean clothes. right now they're being piled on a chair.

i can't put stuff in my closet or drawers properly bc the old clothes are taking up space.

and everytime i think about starting, i get overwhelmed and freeze up or get stuck watching tv 🙃

im gonna try to break it down...like work on clearing out a drawer in 15 min chunks maybe? throwing on a soundtrack or a playlist should help too (ive been really into that one tetris cd ost; the songs loop perfectly)

[hardyhibiscusboy]

went for a drive for the first time in a bit. picked up my meds and some boston creme donuts 😋 and then waze took me a different route home than usual and it was a very pretty road. lots of tall green trees lining the road and the steepest driveway i've ever seen lol

[hardyhibiscusboy]

finally beat rhythm rally 2! 🥳

[hardyhibiscusboy]

anyone have tips on staying hydrated when you can't sense being thirsty? or maybe physical signs i can rely on besides my lips being chapped?

im already making sure my drinks are cold, carrying multiple drinks around, and using liquid iv.

the only other thing i can think of is alarms, but i tend to find them easy to ignore if i'm busy with work 😅

[hardyhibiscusboy]

update:

got a new diagnosis 🥳🙃 and i was hospitalized for the first time a week after my last post. that was An Experience™

it's called inappropriate sinus tachycardia and basically my baseline hr is too high and gets even higher when i exert myself. this causes Problems for the body bc the blood doesn't flow right.

there's no real reason for it (personally, i think its fibro related bc wonky nervous system), but its been a lot to emotionally process.