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[hatefulannafreud]

Hanging by a moment

A lie, a compound of words that make something unreal, something false, something that cannot be. That's what it all was, just a lie.

They will lie when they tell you it'll get better, it will be a lie when they tell you you will be a normal person, when they tell you you will stop being broken.

Some days will be better, you'll smile, you might even meat someone great, you will do amazing things. Believe me, you will, but it will never stop.

The feeling of emptiness, the voices in your head that bring you down, that call out all of your flaws, the black hole on your chest, the unbearing heaviness of the hatred you feel for yourself. It will never stop, not really.

You will think you are all better now, but you won't. And the truth is

The sadness will last forever.

- Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Down with the sickness

I thought I was ok, I was doing well, had my mind so occupied with everything else that I didn't remember, wad my brain so worked up on thinking about the future that I almost believe I could have a nice one, for a moment there I believed I was going to be fine, I thought I was going to have a bright future with you, but then I hear it again.

I heard the voices again, that little whispering in the back of my mind that just wouldn't shush, I tried to play everything else louder, focus on the nice things, but I couldn't keep it at bay, and it kept getting louder and louder. I tried to muffle the sound, but it became a scream, it became the loudest thing in my mind, loud and clear, that voice that tells me I'm not good enough. I tried to ignore it, but it became everything I could hear, and I heard it laughing at my "bright future" plans, I heard it crush them, and then it crushed everything else. The darkness was back, it was taking everything again, it was butchering my feelings, it was infesting my hole body with it's sickness, it was drowning my every other thought, it was killing me slowly and from the inside, the darkness is back, it's within me, it's everywhere, and l just don't want to fight it again, I just want it to win and make me disappear, I just want it to stop, I want the pain and sadness to go, i just want everything to stop, and when the time comes, I'll finally greet her as an old friend, darkness will make me stop feeling pain, even if it is the last thing it does.

-Hurtful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Hirewired to self distruct.

It happened again.

I was doing good, taking my meds and smiling for the world, then it came over me like a tidal wave.

No one was there for me when I was broken, no one understood, not one single person could see that I was killing myself slowly, nobody seemed to understand that their words were killing me.

I tried to do it, I tried to fight it, I almost believed I was all right. I wasn't.

I needed to feel something again, and the only thing that could remind me that I was alive was seeing my blood running through my broken skin.

I tried so goddamned hard to be better I almost believed I was. I wasn't.

I'm just as broken as before, just as lonely, and just as alone.

We all just live and die alone.

-Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Freak on a leash

I feel it again. The pressure on my chest.

I tried to fight it, it at least I think I did. I tried to get better again. I didn't.

I see how people stare at my scars, they're so many I can't hide them all.

I see how people look at me and think "crazy", they tell me to stop and just get over it. As if it were that easy.

Maybe if the saw my bones breaking and popping out they would understand my pain, but they don't, so they don't.

My disease is slowly killing me and I can't scream loud enough for anyone to hear.

I'm just too tired to fight it anymore.

-Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Awareness

I'm self aware, I know how you look at me and see it too, I know that you can see the cuts and bruises too. I know you can see my horrible body and my empty eyes.

I am aware that take too much space, that I say stupid things, that I'm disgusting, that I forget the important things, that I lie and that it feels like I'm an empty carcass.

I am aware of what you see because I see me too, I see the fucked up little girl who is the worst to be around.

Believe, I'm always aware of how much better you would be without me.

- Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

City middle

The ground shook below my feet and I didn't know where to run.

The screams got louder and I couldn't shut them out.

Buildings fell around me and I was frozen with fear.

I couldn't run, I couldn't scream, I couldn't move.

I kept thinking I should just get over it, stand up and move on; but as the desperation of loss and chaos flooded the streets of my city I still couldn't shake the feeling that I should have been me under the debris.

-Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Bad blood

I love the feeling of fresh blood on my skin. It's like my body cries with me, it's like my body hates itself too, it's like my body wants to suffer too. The blood reminds us that we're still alive; for another day at least. We paint eachother red and we weep together, and we feel together. Feeling, that's all we want, to feel something, even if it is pain. My mind's cage is my body, my body's torturer is my mind. And my soul is just a caged, tortured spirit who's only going to know freedom if the other two perish. The cuts get deeper and the screams get louder, and soon enough there will be nothing less but ashes. And then you will not have anyone to torment, only then will I know freedom. -Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Comfortably numb

I want to tell you that if you try it'll get better; but I would be lying. I'm as fucked up as I was when all this started, it just doesn't bother me anymore. I have gotten used to being this way, this constant state of self hatered is now an essential quality of mine. I hope for your sake that it doesn't become one of yours, I sincerely hope you get better, because me, well I'm just not worth it anymore. I just don't see the point of trying anymore. I have become comfortably numb. -Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Day of the dead

Most people are afraid of death. But I'm not most people. I wouldn't be scared, I wouldn't run from it, I wouldn't hide if she came looking for me; I would greet her like an old friend, I would dance with her, I would let her lead the way into the unknown. If death came for me, I would gladly follow her into the darkness. I'm not like most people, because for me, existing is the single most hurtful thing I have to do, every single day I wake up there's a reminder of why I hate living as myself. I wish I was like most people, full of life and dreams, but I'm not, we are not. We are just flirting with death until one day she takes us whole. -Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Brain damage

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and find yourself unable to recognize the person who's gazing back. Have you ever found yourself loathing someone else as intensely as you do your own reflection. Have you ever wanted to strip from your skin, to rip out from that cage and just be free. For being trapped in one's body is the worst kind of cage, it follows you everywhere and there's nowhere to run. Everywhere you turn you see the grin on the stranger's face, that half smile that reminds you that you're not good enough and the promise to haunt you again as soon as you see another reflecting surface. Despise the fact that you turn away the feeling of the everlasting disapproving glare remains, and the cold hand of the being that lives on the other side gets closer and closer to your heart and your mind pulling you further into insanity. How does one get away from the evil that lies within, how does one make it through the storm of one's mind without loosing it completely into the darkness. Maybe one cannot. -Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Hooked on a feeling

Of course you don’t understand, and I hope you never do. I hope you never understand how it feels to have everything hurt, every single inch of you body full of hate and pain. I hope you never understand what happens when everything hurts so much you just stop feeling all together. And the funny thing about not feeling is that you would do anything just to have some sort of sensation; because feeling pain is better than not feeling at all.

-Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

If only I could

If I were you, I would have left too. I would have forgotten all about the times we laughed together. I would have ignored the times when just by looking at eachother your smile would light up the room. I would have ran away from the tears and the harmful things too. I would have gotten rid of the dark and ugly feelings too. I would have forgotten all the times we were so happy I felt time stopped. I would have forgotten those bright days when we were unstoppable. If I could, I would have left me too. I would have left the despair, the nothingness, the emptiness, the loneliness. I too would have left the pain of staring at a black abyss that echoes your worthlessness all day, everyday. If I could, I would have left me too. If I could, I would leave me right now. -Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Drown with me

It’s not just sadness, it’s not just feeling down for a couple of days, it’s not just crying for some unpleasant situation. No, it is not. It’s emptiness, it’s nothingness, it’s like starring into an abyss and have every fiber in your body trying to keep you from jumping, but your mind persuades you to do it, to let it go, to take that step. It’s going to sleep everyday with congestive eyes from crying without an identified reason. It’s feeling like you have no air, the weight on your chest is unbearable. You feel a scream coming, but it gets choked, you want it to get out of you but it doesn’t. It never does. Maybe it never will. The thing about being rotten on the inside is, you can never run away from it. I feel it coming back, I feel the seed of the hopelessness, the emptiness, the worthlessness, all being planted again, growing again, and this time I don’t think anyone will be able to pull me out. This time I just want you to let me drown.

-Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Battles

You feel sad, but you cannot cry. You feel tired, but you cannot sleep. You feel angry, but you cannot scream. You feel alone, but you cannot tell anybody. You feel trapped, but you cannot run away from your thoughts. You feel hopeless, but you cannot find a reason to go on. You make a list in you mind of all of the reasons to stay against all of the reasons to disappear. One side is getting longer than the other. The darkness wants you to cut a little deeper and give in to it. Everyday you loose a little bit more of yourself and add a reason to stop fighting. Everyday you are one step closer to never waking up again. Today you survived the battle, but the war is far from over, the darkness smiles as it looks deep into your soul and whispers -see you tomorrow-. How long before you cannot fight for another tomorrow. Not long at all. -Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

[hatefulannafreud]

MOTHER'S DAY

Don’t worry, she’s there for you. Don’t worry, she’ll make you feel good. Don’t worry, she’s always going to care. Don’t worry, she’ll wipe the tears away. Mama is always going to be there; but beware, for if she hears you purging she’ll only say: please don’t do it in the guest’s bathroom, I don’t like it when it smells. And now your rock crumbles under your feet, and maybe worrying wouldn’t be all that bad.

-Hateful Anna Freud

[hatefulannafreud]

Change the way your mind works, right

SLYTHERIN: “I made up my mind that I’d get out of that place and I did…I learned that if you want to get somewhere, you just make up your mind and work like hell till you get there. If you want to go somewhere in life, you just have to work till you make it.” –S.E. Hinton (Rumble Fish)