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hayleysheadspace · 4 years ago

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Mid 30s and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…

Leaving school at 16 with disgustingly bad GCSE results, failed by the school which was merging with the other high school in my town, failed by my parents (no offence intended), my parents didn’t understand school, they knew I had to go and I had to learn. They were also going through something rather heavy themselves – a breakup! Which to a 16 year old is very tough and lots of cries for help and attention seeking came from me.

I then joined the job centre to look for work, I attended classes and got enrolled on apprentice schemes. I got a job working for a solicitors just outside of my town.

My job included lots of mundane filing, retrieving pastry goods for one of the partners, I hated it! Especially considering I wanted to be a lawyer most of my childhood after growing up watching Ally McBeal. I told my parents I did not want to go back and stayed off work until they rang and said they no longer wanted me.

I think had an interview with a local government for an apprenticeship in administration. I got the job, again more filing, more photocopy on a much larger scale, all the horrible work got sent this way, my apprentice provider came to see me one day to tell me that wearing a thong was inappropriate and that I need be careful about what I am wearing, when I told my Mum what had been said she rang up and complained and they said it was because I had a stain on my top which is why they asked me to watch what I am wearing – I was making £40 a week that wage does not cover haute couture!

Never in my whole life have I ever thought I was good enough to be anything else other than a lacky with unprofessional clothes. Time past and a permanent job opened up, I applied and got it. For the first time I was actually making some money probably around the £15000 per annum.

But who taught me how to spend money? Who taught me how to save money? All my life people have looked down on me if I didn’t have the right clothes, the right car, the right job, so what happens when a person who has been criticized for the way she looks and what she is get money… she gets into debt. Latops, new cars, new clothes, nights out, the newest mobiles, etc.

I am sure especially now in 2021 there will be a lot of girls like I was, with all the financial products, by now pay later and pay in 6 instalments for a £30 top. But the difference now is girls have more of a voice, people are watching what they are saying and doing.

What skills did I learn collecting someone’s pasty from Greggs? Spending my whole day in the photocopying room? Going to school and watching the whole class be so disrupted that we learnt nothing?

I had got a boyfriend who was probably the worst mistake I ever made, because if I felt insecure before this one definitely rubbed salt in the wound. Cheating a lot, but I think the worst possible moment of it all was when his father told me on my 18th birthday that I wasn’t going places, I was going to struggle to keep up with his electrician son and that my family brought me down ‘you may be a pretty girl but you are going to struggle to keep up’ he said. Again about outside appearances, the fact I wasn’t from a rich family, but I was from a family who loved me. He apologised the next day after sobering up – but he meant it!

I struggled going to work, I felt staying at home and not facing the mundane life that was ahead of me was much better, I took a lot of sick days back then. I went out and partied hard but not as hard as my friends, I liked going home at a slightly reasonable hour, however I still made bad choices when it came to boys/men. I felt like I could fall in love with anyone and make the best out of anyone who paid me attention especially if they were good on paper and made me feel better about myself but I was never truly able to be myself and be happy.

When the local Councils all merged into one I got moved over to an administration team, basically they didn’t want me anymore and gave me to someone else to be their problem.

I made friendships with a lot of people there, but it was here when I felt that my looks were the reason for most things. I was doing stuff I started to enjoy, marketing, event management, designing posters, a lot more creative, I started a part time university course for leadership and management, my boss took an interested in me and put me through my project management qualifications. I was starting getting noticed by people higher up the food chain. Again this came with its struggles, ‘it must be nice being skinny and blonde’ it hurt me very much, I had been working hard I was being rewarded, in a team meeting in front of everyone my supervisor was talking about the restructure and in front of everyone said ‘for some reason Hayley gets to know what’s happening with this department before I do as the manager’ I cried I felt horrible.

I made some very silly choices here and went out with senior employees, it was about power, not because I was attracted to them, they made me feel even more inadequate, I was getting told I was holding wine glasses the wrong way, clothes weren’t appropriate, told me which new car I had to buy, one even stood and let his friends talk about how they missed his ex in my company, one actually thought it was funny to pour a drink over me on a night out in front of people to belittle me that much.

I rekindled my friendship with my school friend who has always been in the background of my life and we fell in love, for the first time I felt like I didn’t have to be anyone else but myself but after years of pretending I had lost who I was, I had let other people’s opinions rub off on me, I had changed my voice to sound posher, I was in a mountain of debt because of pretending, he scooped me up and told me I didn’t have to do it anymore. I handed in my notice at work and left, I was pregnant.

I wasn’t working however I still continued to do my university course but if I am truly honest with myself it was about status again and what it looked like to other people so I could get better jobs with more money, so I was never 100% invested in it. I put it on hold, my pregnancy changed me a lot, it changed the way I looked dramatically but most of all it changed me into a complete different person mentally. I was vulnerable, I was insecure, and I was uninteresting. I was consumed with being a mother, I lost every spark of ambition I once had.

My career then became something I just needed to contribute to the house and to get out of the house by myself for a while. It was hard and I wasn’t prepared for it. I lost all my confidence. I then got a job working for a construction firm, I did way more than my pay grade I was very good at what I did but it wasn’t what I wanted to do but was the only thing I was experienced for. Things changed and new people came in and I was overlooked. I was so tired of it all the long commutes to different sites, leaving my kid at childcare costing most of my wage to go and do something that made me unhappy. I actually left to get a lower paid temporary job at a retailers which was hard, for some reason the supervisor took an instant dislike to me and tried allsorts to pull me down and was on a serious power trip most of the time.

My contract ended a few months before I was due to get married, we had to cut our budget and save all we could to make it work. I signed with a temp agency and got another job working for a very small family run manufacturing company, I was in an office by myself just off the shop floor and it was so dated and lonely. Again doing horrible mundane work that is not suited to my personality at all. Paying invoices, answering calls, etc. I got married in October 2017 and welcomed another son in June 2018. I didn’t go back there after my maternity, I couldn’t face it. I applied for other jobs and managed to secure a role as an administrator again the same type of role I have done throughout my life, I get told I am good at it and get rewarded but there are always people there to take it away from you and say negative things about you.

I am 35 years old in 3 months and I have absolutely no idea where I go from here, I have no idea what interests me most, I am mediocre at most things. I have no passions. But I am already mourning the loss of my working life I never had. Where I could have been right now had I been born somewhere else or born a boy?

To make matters worse my husband who was in the same classes as me at school, is a national manager for a global manufacturing company.

Offers on a postcard please…

#working life #career #career goals #work #job #life #mother #working women #workingmumlife #writers #life story #memoir #lifestory #career path #job hunting #hobbies #passion #goals #mid30s

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