hc-did-culture-is

[hc-did-culture-is]

HC-DID Culture is- going from an endo system to a questioning system to a did system to a polyfrag c-did system to- Oh my god did that actually happen to us? Holy fuck- [screaming] .... Okay. Wow. No wonder that guy is here. Anyway-

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[hc-did-culture-is]

hc-did culture is "That isnt a cult. Thats a discord server of mentally ill teenagers encouraging each others issues and sending LiveLeak gore"

(Sorry if this ones??? a lot?? Blunt??? im having a lot of feelings.)

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[hc-did-culture-is]

suspected HC DID culture is having a part that comes out to do physical labor that you shouldn't be able to do, ignoring pain or risks in order to get it done "because they're supposed to" upon a certain trigger. and, upon trying to get your partner to help test out how it works, a gatekeeper came up and told them "nevermind, another time" and then we stopped wondering about it altogether??

+ a regular experience of trying to have our partner help us figure small things out like that only for that same gatekeeper to immediately shut it down

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[hc-did-culture-is]

HC-DID culture is having an IH delete programmed alters. :/ wtf Andrei.

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[hc-did-culture-is]

hc-did culture is looking through the posts of this account, reading through an ask YOU SENT IN, saying "oh lol that's so me", scrolling away, and then realizing ten minutes later that it in fact was you who sent in the ask 😭

- 🪿✨️

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[hc-did-culture-is]

HC-DID culture is…

noticing patterns in splitting while organizing simply plural

Realizing your system structure is more convoluted then you first thought

Struggling to accept what you went through is in fact ramcoa and that yes, it was worse than what we originally believed

There are always more introjects and littles introducing themselves

Always having at least two through four people fronting and/or co-con

An upsetting amount of baby fragments (there’s nothing wrong with them, its just sad)

Constantly feeling like youre in a cafeteria full of people (the sound of people talking)

What we like to call “headmate radio” where our headmates will sing to us and narrate our day

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[hc-did-culture-is]

hc-did culture is feeling like the trauma i remember is “too similar to other people’s” and therefore im a massive faker

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[hc-did-culture-is]

HC-DID culture is Monarch of Monsters by Vylet Pony

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[hc-did-culture-is]

I’m not a programmed system. I’m just a regular system. Is calling them regular systems offensive? If so I’m very sorry.

But you said non-HC-DID systems could interact as long as they didn’t send culture-is asks. And this technically isn’t a culture-is ask. I know this is me splitting hairs/playing semantics games. It doesn’t start with “[blank] culture is”. So it’s technically not one and isn’t banned by the rules.

But I guess I recently found out that some of my experiences could technically maybe fall under some working definitions of torture. Which I really hate. I mean, it’s bad that that could even be included in the working definition. Which means it’s a bad definition. Yes, this is more of me playing semantics games.

I feel like you all here would hate me for using that word. Because it makes light of what happened to you. Considering that your experiences are actual torture. And mine aren’t. I mean, it fits the definition. But the definition can be discarded as needed. If I called it that, that would hurt you. Or something.

I don’t know why I’m sending an ask saying this. Is this some roundabout way to ask for validation? Kind of pathetic tbh. If you want to block me for sending this go ahead. But I don’t know where else even to send it. I don’t know what other blogs talk about this kind of thing.

(preface - the tone for all of this is neutral and genuine. My specific speech patterns are pretty formal so I wanted to specify just in case. I'm not mad at you, this is just how i talk.)

We+ don't personally find calling non-programmed systems 'regular' offensive, but systemhood is such a vast and varied experience that we+ aren't sure that anything can be called the 'regular' experience.

I don't think you're splitting hairs, and I completely agree that sending this ask is fully in keeping with the rules of this blog. Any/all interaction other than specifically 'culture is' asks are allowed and welcome from non-programmed systems.

We+ cannot tell you whether or not what you experienced was torture.

What we+ can say, is that if you decide that what you experienced was torture, and you label it as such, we+ will believe you, and we+ will not hate you. Just as we cannot tell you that what happened was torture, neither can we say that it was not.

We+ are not an authority, nor are we+ a border guard. We+ do not get to choose who does or does not belong.

You choosing to use a label that we+ also use does not hurt us+, even if your experiences are different to ours+, same as with any trauma.

I don't think you are pathetic, I think you are struggling, and there is no shame in that.

[hc-did-culture-is]

pro-endo [and mixed origin] hc-did culture is all of the support groups being anti-endo

like man. i get not wanting endos in your spaces. i get it. but i also hate being so isolated from the few other people thst could even begin to understand. it hurts

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[hc-did-culture-is]

Questioning HC-DID, while have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, culture is...

Is the fact our system is so internally organized and hierarchical a sigh of programming, or is it just because we have OCPD? Alternatively do we have OCPD because of organizational and hierarchical programming?

And, as a result of the uncertainty this questions poses, the OCPD gets triggered.

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[hc-did-culture-is]

Questioning hc-did with multiple systems culture is the current "main" system denying your "side" system's programming

I was one of the first hosts, I was here when we were in the cult. Just because we are so far removed from it now doesn't mean it doesn't exist. But they'd rather hide us and keep us a secret.

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[hc-did-culture-is]

HC-DID culture is the orignal identity is dead and I killed it and I'm so sorry for what I became.

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[hc-did-culture-is]

(this started out normal and then turned into a vent, sorry about that 😭)

polyfragmented system culture is not using traditional terms like “hc-did” or “ramcoa” or even “oea/oa” to refer to yourself bc you’re constantly obsessing over whether or not you’re intruding spaces that aren’t yours because your abuse isn’t “traditional” or even a specific type that you’ve seen talked about at all, despite your most desperate attempts to find community in other survivors’ stories

furthermore, polyfrag’d sys culture is feeling isolated even amongst your own system friends, because your trauma is so wildly disproportionate to theirs that even mentioning what happened feels like you’re trying to play traumalympics with them, even when you’re just trying to relate in your own weird way :/. or better yet, watching all your traumatized friends going on to live somewhat functional lives and being happy for them, because of course you want the best for them; but also aching so badly to have that same solid place in the world from which to move on from your trauma. and of course you can’t just ask them for support, because you know better than anyone that your trauma is too much for anyone to bear, and you would rather be damned than inflict that on anyone else.

(anyway if anyone happens to be reading this and recognizes the term “parental alienation” & is interested in befriending those of similar experiences, please interact with the post!! god knows i need more friends lmfao /nf!!)

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[hc-did-culture-is]

turned into something of a vent (long)

questioning ramcoa(? ramcoa-adjacent?) system culture is having no clue what's going on but you keep looking into things and getting headaches and little flashes of panic that ease once you stop focusing on whatever it is you were looking at/reading

and wishing it was easier to find actual resources just to try to understand and prove to your brain this is all just a weird coincidence and there's no way this actually could've happened like this

but there's a lot of strange things from your past and the one guy in your system who keeps angrily telling you to stop looking at this stuff but everyone keeps ignoring him because we've been bothered by this stuff for a while now and not looking can feel just as bad as looking

but your experience was very atypical compared to what you've been able to see of others' experiences, as the only abuse you can remember came from a peer-aged family member and 2 school teachers,

but then there's also that little flicker of fear whenever you think about your school's principal and the intense fear you had in the art room that there was always something evil in there and wondering if maybe there's actually something there that we just don't have memory access to despite our therapist working through it with us and telling us it was probably just because we had conflict with the art teacher

and everything is a lot and long story short i did a bad thing and looked at something i shouldn't've (like, 3 times) and now i'm trying to fight all the mixed up feelings i can't even name

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[hc-did-culture-is]

(kinda venty) questioning ramcoa survivor culture is

"will I ever find out what actually happened to me? or will these memories stay lost forever? but how can I ever be certain then what actually happened if I don't have proof?"

constant spiraling basically because we literally have not a single memory that would align with ramcoa. but many symptoms of programming (which ig would be conditioning if it wasn't ramcoa).

our beliefs about our "purpose" don't even align with any typical things that survivors get programmed for. they sound like some sci-fi shit.

and we only remember coercive influence from a single person, from the age of 14 on. nothing before that. sure, memories might be repressed. but those that we have, they don't even include anything torture related. they're "just" the forming of a trauma bond.

anyways... we're so tired of not knowing what's going on. we don't want to claim the label if it doesn't apply to us. we don't even know if what we went through counts as mind control, even if it's not ramcoa.

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[hc-did-culture-is]

Programmed culture is struggling with feelings of being a person and wondering how much is "really you"

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