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[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

Children of The Corn (Short Story)

Thank God, I've finally come to the end of my Children of The Corn marathon, and I can say that in 11 movies there's probably and hours worth of material watching.

However, I decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by reading the short story that started this entire franchise. It was boring, to be completely honest. Almost nothing happened, and I was rooting for Burt's death because he was so insufferable and a terrible husband. I can understand why someone would want to adapt the story; the idea is interesting, but Stephen King ultimately fails to convince the reader that the story is worth getting invested in. Perhaps that's why none of the adaptations succeeded.

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Children of The Corn (2020)

3.56/5 stars

Before I go any further, I'd like to acknowledge that I have terrible taste when it comes to movie, which might be why I liked this movie so much. This is a complete reimagining of the central story. This movie is literally about climate change, specifically the idea of older generations killing the planet for short-term gains, and leaving the younger generation to pick up the pieces of a broken planet. That being said, the message is really mixed and doesn't always come through in the intended way. It's also not treated with any sort of delicacy, just shoved into the movie in really obvious ways.

What I really liked about the movie was that it understood what a Children of The Corn movie should be about. Kids killing adults, and we got that in spades. We also finally had convincing child actors, at least, convincing enough for a COTC movie. I also really enjoyed that our protagonist wasn't an adult, but rather a child. Elena Kampouris gave a stellar performance as our main character, Boleyn.

Is it a good movie? No, but I liked it.

[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

Children of The Corn (2009)

2.5/5 Stars

While sometimes called a remake of the 1984 film, this movie is much more of a readaptation of Stephen King's short story. It's an almost completely faithful adaptation. However, that might be this movie's downfall. Not much happens in the short story, and as a result, not much happens in the film. I left the movie wanting more action.

David Anders as Burt was pretty decent in this film. His acting was some of the best I've seen in the entire franchise. The same cannot be said about Kandyse McClure as Vicky. Her performance is overexaggerated and borders on ridiculous. I'm inclined to partly blame this on the fact that she's performing word-for-word dialogue taken from King's short story, and as much as I love King, his dialogue often sounds artificial and precious at times. Overall, this film is on of the most technically proficient movies in the franchise.

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Children of The Corn: Runaway

3/5 stars

Wow, the second queer entry in the franchise! Okay, not really, but I was feeling the vibes in this movie.

Okay, this movie borrows from Isaac's Return in the fact that we're dealing with the child of a former cult member. Except this time, the cult member is our main character. Ruth has been on the run since she gave birth to Aaron, until she decides to settle down in a small town. There, she meets Carl, a mechanic, and Sarah, a waitress. Carl gets her a job at his mechanic shop and also allows her to rent a house from him. Sarah flirts with Ruth and also becomes a sounding board for Aaron. Ruth has been having visions of a young girl gathering the children and killing adults. However, she's been brushing them off. Everything goes well until she rejects Carl, and he throws a fit and fires her. At the same time, Ruth's visions become true, so she asks Sarah to take Aaron and run. She leaves them and decides to confront the cult kids, but things backfire, and Ruth returns home, only to find Sarah there, alone. She confronts Sarah, and Sarah attacks her, eventually pinning her down on the bed. Ruth realizes that Sarah is the incarnation of He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows. She escapes and finds Aaron, begging him to run away. He stabs her, killing her.

Okay, this movie was well-written and decently paced. I found the single-camera setup to be a little cloying, but it was an overall decent film. I was also fascinated by the tension between Sarah and Ruth. Overall, I really enjoyed the performances given by Marci Miller and Mary Kathryn Bryant as Ruth and Sarah, respectively.

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Children of The Corn: Genesis

To be quite frank, this movie was horrible. It was terribly written and had a confusing plot. I really didn't understand what they were going for. The movie has a weird anti-abortion stance that felt out of place in a movie like this. There's a 'plot twist' that happens at the end of the movie that just feels stupid and out of place. The only saving grace of the film is Kelen Coleman. She manages to pull off a believable performance despite the script. 1/5 stars

[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

Children of The Corn: Revelation

I struggled with this movie; I really couldn't decide if it was good or not. I've mostly settled on meh. It was decently paced, well-acted, and the movie trusted the audience by not writing everything out in explicit detail. Unfortunately, they didn't quite give enough details to make the film make complete sense. As in most of the films in this franchise, the child acting fell flat and took me out of the film. The terrible CGI also left me slightly frustrated.

This film reminded me so much of Silent Hill that I was sure that it had to have been inspired by it, but to my surprise, Silent Hill wouldn't come out for another five years. That being said, as far as sequels go, this one was almost worth watching. 2.9/5 stars.

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Children of The Corn 666: Isaac's Return

Who's ready for a gay ass Children of The Corn movie? Okay, while not actually gay, it does feature an onscreen kiss between two men. Unfortunately, that's about all this film has going for it. Actually, the fact that it's an actual sequel is really interesting as well.

This movie follows Hannah, a child born to Rachel, an original member of the cult. After Burt lit him on fire in the first film, Isaac survived and has been in a coma. He left two things behind when he was comatose: a prophecy and a child (let's ignore the fact that Isaac is meant to be prepubescent in the first film and that his son is a teen). Rachel had given up Hannah for adoption in order to circumvent Isaac's prophecy that her child would restart the cult. Hannah's presence in town awakens Isaac and alarms Matt, Isaac's son. Gabriel, another child born to a former cult member, takes a romantic interest in Hannah. Most of the teens in town start partaking in cult activity as Isaac grooms Matt to take over the cult. Matt's girlfriend, Morgan, tries to get him to run away. Gabriel helps Hannah track down her mom, who tells her to run away. Isaac's group kidnaps Hannah to start a cult ritual, but Morgan helps her escape. Morgan is killed by the cult as Hannah gets away. Gabriel confronts Matt and kisses him before saying he should 'go to her.' Matt then impales himself on a scythe. Gabriel finds Hannah, and they hook up. Gabriel and Hannah find Isaac and Rachel, whereupon Gabriel kills Isaac after explaining that he is the true heir of the cult, not Isaac's son. Rachel then stabs Gabriel and lights the corn on fire. Hannah and Rachel escape as Gabriel resurrects and says, "the seeds have already been sown."

I'll keep it a buck. This film is ass. The timeline doesn't make a lick of sense and the writing is half-assed. The storyline meananders and film splits it's time being a neo-noir mystery and crappy slasher. 1.45/5 stars

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Children of The Corn V: Fields of Terror

Again, despite being labeled as a sequel, this film is a reimaging of the original story. I also think this film wanted to capitalize on some of the post-Scream horror fever and failed miserably. Also, you might notice that this film stars Eva Mendes, and unfortunately, I understand why she's in this film. She is not very convincing in this role. Each time she's on screen I find myself cringing from embarrassment.

The movie follows Allison as she and four friends are on a road trip to spread the ashes of their recently deceased friend. After getting stranded in Divinity Falls, the group rests at a bar when they hear of He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows, this freaks out Allison because her younger brother, Jacob, ran away to join him. She tracks down the cult and is rebuffed by her brother, but he gifts her a cult bible as a parting gift. Kir (Eva Mendes) reads one page and decides the cult knows what's up. She makes her way to the compound and partakes in a sacrifice ritual meant for 17 year olds. It should be noted that not only is she in college, but she is old enough to legally drink. Meanwhile, Allison decodes a message in the book and realizes her brother needs help. She and the rest of her friends wage war on the compound, leaving only her and a boy named Ezekiel alive. She shoves him into a burning silo and lights the corn on fire, seemingly killing He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows. In a credits scene, Allison meets with the parents of Lily, a former cult kid who escaped while pregnant with Jacob's baby. The child's eyes then light up with really bad CGI green and red fire, indicating He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows possesses the baby.

This movie really wanted to capitalize on the reinvigoration of the horror genre in the late 90s. It was reheating Scream's nachos, after digging them out of a hot dumpster. In all seriousness, this film aspired to be something it could never be for several reasons.

1. It fundamentally misunderstands the concept behind a Children Of The Corn movie.

2. The script makes little to no sense. How is Eva Mendes allowed to take part in a cult ritual for 17-year-olds if she is at least 21?

3. No one gives a believable performance in this film. Stacy Galina and Alexis Arquette come close, but even they couldn't cut it.

1/5 stars.

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Children of The Corn IV: The Gathering

Despite being billed as the third sequel in a franchise, The Gathering functions much more as a reboot than a sequel. It takes the central idea of children killing adults and spins a new tale from there. Gatlin is never even mentioned. Also, this movie stars Naomi Watts, who you might recognize from Mulholland Drive or The Ring. What a shock to see her. She delivers one of the two only decent performances.

So this film follows Grace (Naomi Watts) as she comes home from medical school to take care of her agoraphobic mother (played by horror icon Karen Black) and younger sister. She also begins working as an assistant to the town's only doctor. Grace's mother is plagued by dreams of being murdered by a little boy. All the children in town suddenly come down with high fevers, most notably Grace's sister Margaret and neighbor Marcus. After recovering from the fevers, the kids in town begin going by different names. Grace's mother's dream begins coming true and she finally overcomes her agoraphobia by escaping the house, only to get murdered in the barn. Marcus kills his mother at the same time the doctor is murdered by a pair of twins. Marcus' father, Donald, is framed for his wife's murder and goes on the run, eventually tracking down Grace and demanding an explanation. She does some weird science and determines the children are sick (?) with something. Donald then forces her to drive to the house of two old women who then tell them the tale of Josiah, a boy who was forced into preaching tent revivals by evangelicals. Eventually, realizing Josiah would age, the preachers made a demonic deal the kept Josiah a kid forever. He killed the preachers and was then burned alive by the townsfolks, after being poisoned by mercury. Now, he's looking to posses a child, and Grace believes it's Margaret because she's actually her daughter not her sister. Grace finally finds Josiah and battles him, eventually shooting him with a mercury bullet and slicing him with a scythe. Margaret and the kids return to normal.

Wow, what a film. I tried to streamline the plot summary, but it was a Herculean task. The plot was almost nonsensical in parts, and completely shoehorns in the story of Josiah. The pacing is off as well, we spend time with characters who have no bearing on the plot and almost abandon our main storyline at points. The bright spot of the film is undoubtedly the performances given by Naomi Watts and Brent Jennings as Grace and Donald. Other than that, the children weren't scary, the story didn't make sense, and the effects weren't great. 2/5 stars

[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

Children of The Corn III: Urban Harvest

Did I decide to watch a Children of The Corn movie on Easter Sunday? Yes, next question. What's a little sacrilege between some friends? It also occurred to me that I should probably include a plot summary in these reviews, however, these movies are convoluted as hell.

So, to make a long story short: two brothers (in a slightly incestuous relationship) are sent to Chicago after the younger brother, Eli, kills their father. The older brother, Josh, acclimates to urban life (e.g. finding out black people exist), while Eli plants corn in an abandoned factory and sways the youth to join He Who Walks Behind The Rows. Eventually, he kills some adults while Josh finds out that his brother is adopted and hasn't aged since 1964. Eli's corn starts eating kids, and Josh fights him after acquiring Eli's bible, which is the source of his power. Eli then transforms into a giant corn weevil and is killed by Josh as he simultaneously destroys the bible.

I think that about sums it up. This movie is creative, I'll give it that, but it lacks the menace and atmosphere that I want from a horror movie, although I suppose I should start tempering my expectations when it comes to these movies. The acting is mostly tolerable, and the script is cohesive. The film also includes two black characters who survive until the end of the film, and the effect of the giant bug was enjoyable. 2.56/5 stars.

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Children of The Corn II: The Final Sacrifice

Wowee, forget anything I said about Burt and Vicky being a boring couple. Compared to the two couples we end up with in this film, Burt and Vicky are the most interesting people on the planet.

I firmly believe that the worst thing a movie can be is boring, and unfortunately, this movie is that. It drags on and never seems to know where it's headed. It also doesn't know what story it's telling. Despite being a sequel to Children of The Corn, the movie is primarily a romance. Its main focus is the blossoming love between our main character and a poorly written teenage girl who literally wants him to save her-"Take me with you. When you go back to New York, take me." Yeah, cool. It then seems to remember that it's a horror movie, so we get a kill or two before actually moving the plot forward with a shoehorned expository dump via a stereotypical Native American character. He shows up, an eagle cries, and then he gives a made-up explanation for what's happening before being killed in the climax, protecting our main characters. Unfortunately, this movie has nothing going for it.

The barely comprehensible script, terrible acting, senseless direction, and blatant racism earn this movie 1/5 stars.

[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

Children of The Corn (1984)

It's almost corn-sowing season here in Missouri, so as a treat, I've decided to watch all of the Children of The Corn movies. Good God, what have I got myself into?

The movie follows one of the most milquetoast couples to ever grace the silver screen: Burt and Vicky. The absolute lack of chemistry between them is palpable. Our other pair of protagonists, brother and sister duo Job and Sarah, are slightly more entertaining to watch. Isaac, our main villian is less terrifying and more annoying. A film rolving around children killing adults relies on the strength and believability of its child actors. Unfortunatley for Children of The Corn, none of the child actors can give a convincing performance.

Despite having a 92 minute runtime, the film only has roughly 30 minutes of screentime actually worth watching. Most of the movie is taken up by long shots of corn and empty highway. Cheap special effects and a lackluster script spell doom for this movie, and franchise as a whole.

2.75/5 stars

[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

The Fear of Second-Wave Feminism and The Decline of The Nuclear Family in The Exorcist 

The Exorcist is a hallmark of horror. From its amazing technical and special effects to extreme blasphemy, it's easy to see why The Exorcist is still revered today. It lives in the Horror Hall of Fame. However, one cannot watch the film without noticing a disturbing pattern. The Exorcist argues that second-wave feminism and the nuclear family's decline threaten America's future.

First, let’s tackle the depiction of second-wave feminism. The 50s and 60s depict a largely false picture of American happiness. As we all know, the America described is not real; it’s propaganda. And the rise of second-wave feminism in the 70s sought to overturn this idyllic charade. Chris MacNeil is representative of a stereotypical 70s feminist. She’s a divorced mother who’s a breadwinner. She works in Hollywood. In fact, at the beginning of the movie, she’s recording a film in which she portrays an activist. She is feminism incarnate in the film, and as a result, she was not there when Regan first contacted Pazuzu. Chris’ job kept her away when Regan finds and uses the Ouija board which ultimately leads to her possession. Chris is a great mother and she has a great relationship with her daughter, but without a masculine figure in the house, it’s not enough to keep away the forces of Hell. Regan is symbollic of the future of America; she is the progeny of a feminist just like future generations of America would be the offspring of a feminist nation. The future of America is grim.

Next, let’s look at the decline of the nuclear family. Regan’s father stepped out on her, going as far as leaving the country after his divorce from Chris. Chris MacNeil does her best as a mother. She takes care of Regan. They even have a loving relationship. However, there is something missing from their happy family: the presence of a father. The lack of a male figure is pointed out throughout the film. Initially, none of the doctors will listen to Chris. Even Father Karras writes her off as hysterical. It’s only when Father Merrin steps in as a spiritual father that Regan can find solace. He becomes Regan’s father, and it's only through the eternal father, God, that Regan is saved. 

“Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.” 

[he-who-walks-behind-the-bros]

Current Ranking of Teen Drama Shows

1: Buffy The Vampire Slayer 5/5

2: Teen Wolf 4.55555/5

3: Roswell (1999) 4.39/5

4: The Magicians 4.3/5

5: Veronica Mars 4/5

6: The Vampire Diaries *only watched 2 seasons... not good 2/5