heartbreaksmvp

[heartbreaksmvp]

Post-Mortem at Nineteen

I’ve started calling it an autopsy,

the way I lie awake and take myself apart.

Not with a scalpel,

but questions that slice all the same:

am I too loud?

too eager? too plain?

do I come on like floodwater, fast, and gone before anyone asks for rain?

I count the ways I might have failed

like rosary beads slipping through guilt-stained fingers:

my laugh, sharp,

my thighs, soft,

the way I speak with my whole face,

as if I’ve never learned discretion.

Maybe I haven’t.

I look in the mirror and try to see

what they see.

Not the filtered photo, 

the real me.

Am I not beautiful in the kind of way

that makes someone stay?

Is there something in my smile that says

take, don’t keep?

I dress like I want to be known,

then shame myself for being read too easily.

I try modest,

try sultry,

try neutral.

None of it works.

None of it sticks.

I am a costume no one wants to commit to.

And still I wonder,

am I wife enough?

Not just want, 

but worth waking up next to

after the fire cools and the real living begins.

Would anyone ever choose me

on a slow Tuesday,

with dishes to wash and socks on the floor?

All I’ve ever wanted was

to be loved

in the way that doesn’t vanish once the lights go off.

To be the kind of girl someone tells their mother about,

not just their group chat.

But love keeps slipping past me

like a train I run for and miss

again

and again.

Maybe this isn’t a rough patch.

Maybe this is my story.

Maybe the fairytale is just something I scribbled in the margins

to keep the loneliness from leaking through.

And if I’m the common thread

in every cut thread,

then maybe I am the problem.

Maybe I’ve been waiting to be loved

the way a girl waits for wings

when she was only ever born to fall.

[heartbreaksmvp]

Is it me?

I've never felt like so lost and so defeated. I am so unfortunately unlucky in love. Every guy I talk to is like an alley in a never ending labyrinth. I walk down, hoping that'll lead me to the end, but to no avail. I get sent back to the very beginning, yet trapped unable to leave. I want to throw in the towel, so desperately. A great guy I used to talk to, an absolute wonderful guy, Jared, and I stopped talking because of distance. He and I didn't want a relationship over the phone, him more so than I, and so he ended it, it was simply too much work. I was distraught, I see him post now with a new girl and I breaks my heart because he couldn't put the effort into me. It seems no guy wants to put the effort into me, into caring for me, loving me, treating me the way I deserve. No one other than Ben, and he is wonderful but my heart simply wasn't in it. At times like these I wonder about going back to Ben, he loves me and wants to care for me. Unfortunately for me and fortunately for him, I know that wouldn't be good for either of us, he'd be with someone settling for him and I'd be breaking his heart. He deserves so much better. What I really want to know is: Is it me? What is wrong with me that makes me so unloveable?

[heartbreaksmvp]

right one wrong time? it is definitely me

I posted a poem today entitled "The kindest goodbye". I wrote it after I broke up with the most amazing guy. His name was Ben, he was mature (2 years older than me, a senior in college, not mine another), smart (an engineering major) and the most emotionally mature man that I'd seen while being at college. He was wonderful, we had met on a dating app at a time where all I had wanted was a boyfriend. He was great and had all the things a good boyfriend would have. He got along with my friends enough for a few to even call us mom and dad. He listened to me, cared, made me feel valued, he was genuinely everything I had wanted. He asked me to be his girlfriend in the christmas village in the city I live in, right next to the big tree. Of course I had said yes. We had plans to spend NYE together, that I fibbed a bit to my father about. When we got to his town to spend it with him and his friends, my dad got upset and demanded I went to my best friend's house whom was 15 minutes away. Ben was beyond livid that I wasn't more honest with my dad on who I was spending it with. I ended up spending it with my best friend Lacey and her family/friends. The time apart just made me reflect. Even before NYE I felt a seperation between us, on my part. I just didn't have a spark for him, my heart simply wasn't in it. He was set to bring me home and I was set to break up with him. I told him I needed space and ended up breaking up with him around a week later. I told him how I cared for him but that I wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to be in a relationship, that I could barely take care of my feelings to be responsible for anothers. He was heartbroken, rightfully so, but he understood. Like I said, he is great, he is amazing, but I simply felt nothing romatic for him. I love him but only platonically. Since the break up he has stopped by my school a few times, bringing me flowers and getting me food. He texts and calls me quite often, I should cut it off, mercy kill the poor guy. He is moving to another part of the country for work in less than a month, I feel awful that I haven't cut him off. I'm not leading him on, I haven't promised him to get back together or anything, he hints at it in the far future but I don't feed into it. It eats at me at times. If I found a guy who is so great and respects me so much, why am I not more into him?

[heartbreaksmvp]

The Kindest Goodbye

I held his hands in mine,  

felt the weight of what I was about to break.  

His fingers, warm, steady,  

clung to a future I should have wanted.  

He said my name like a vow,  

like something sacred, something kept,  

but my silence curled between us,  

a ghost of all the love I could not give.  

I tried, I swear I tried,  

to stitch my heart to his,  

to let his kindness heal the wreckage  

others left behind.  

He was gentle, patient,  

the kind of man who would have stayed,  

but I have always been a leaving thing,  

a girl with wings too tired to land.  

I told him the truth;  

that he deserved more than a heart  

that could only echo love,  

not hold it.  

His eyes dimmed like a house going dark,  

a quiet grief, a silent fall,  

but he only nodded,  

as if he had always known.  

And as I walked away,  

it was not relief I felt,  

but the hollow ache of knowing  

I had let the right one go.

[heartbreaksmvp]

is it worth it?

Freshman year of college I met this guy on the basketball team, John, whom I developed a crush on. He was a bit goofy looking, big ears, skinny, and very tall. I joked to him and would call him my future husband and he'd call me wifey. When I would visit my friends in his building, I'd always stop by his room and if he wasn't there I'd leave a note. We'd snap, joke, talk, nothing crazy, for goodness sake we'd never even hung out or had a real conversation, but I was enamored. One night while I was hanging out with my friends, he was texting talking about hanging out. I responded with saying how great that would be, how we should, really taking his invite as just another one of our jokes. Turns out I was wrong, he roommate wasn't there and he was actually inviting me over. I ended up going, absolutely exillerated to be actaully hanging out with him. He lifted me onto his bed and we made small talk and made out. That was it. He asked to take it further and I said no. I liked him, I wanted something with him, I didn't want to take things too fast. Not going to lie, I kind of think I fell asleep making out with him, I don't remember stopping and going to sleep, I just remembered waking up. I woke up and he had practice so I went back to my room. A week or two later, with no hang outs since, he posted a girl on his story for her birthday, a girl he knew from home, which was fine until the caption said "happy birthday wifey" WIFEY???, i had just got home from a party so the post was made at 12/1 something AM. I was sobbing in complete and total disrepair. I was just hurt that he'd call me and her the same thing, and I was "the other woman" obviously it was something he had called her first. I stopped talking to him then and there, until it started up again. Sometime later in the semester we began snapping again. One night I was drunk and lonley and invited him over. We had boring brief sex, but I guess I had liked it because it was with him? We'd snap and that was all, nothing came from me relinquishing my body to him. We are both from the same city so we talked about meeting up over breaks. He came and picked me up one night (when i say night i mean probably 12 am). We drove a bit, made small talk and parked. We ended up in his back seat only for him to drive me home 5 minutes after he finished. It was debasing and painful. I was filled with what I can only imagine being regret. It happened twice and that was all. We went back to school in the fall and not much happened. I didn't see him often, even though he now lived the floor above me. I had moved on, still talking to him occasionally or seeing him out. He dropped out the end of the fall semester. He'd visit in the winter and always ask to see me, even going as far as making out with me in the bar. Still nothing. His last visit of the semester he asked to hang out, I was assuming his usual small talk and sex, but I was done. I told him no, that he doesnt even attempt to make conversation with me, doesn't even try to get to know anything about me. He yesed me and that was it, I didnt hang out with him nothing. Now that we are both home, he has asked me out on a date? I have not clue if it is one or not, but he asked to hang out, i told him I refused to hang out if it was being naked in the backseat of his car. He said no that he wanted to do something else and asked for ideas, I suggested a movie and he picked Sinners. We haven't gone out yet but I am wondering, is it worth it? I mean why is he making the effort now, and am I being blinded by the possibility of just wanting him to finally want me the way I did for him.

[heartbreaksmvp]

unnamed #1

I am a mosaic of broken pieces,  

each shard a reminder of my failures,  

my inadequacies, my irrelevance.  

I have woven a cocoon of self-doubt,  

a shelter from the pain of rejection. 

[heartbreaksmvp]

Fallen Petals

In the meadow green, I stood so tall,

A bloom of beauty, admired by all.

My petals danced in the gentle breeze,

A vision of grace, a sight to please.

People came with hands so kind,

To pluck my petals, one by one, entwined.

At first, I thought it was love they sought,

But soon I realized, I was merely caught.

For with each petal taken away,

I felt a piece of me begin to fray.

Their touch turned cruel, their intentions clear,

I was nothing but an object, to them, dear.

They stripped me bare, with no regard,

Left me broken, my spirit scarred.

Once vibrant and full, now just a stem,

Used and discarded, forgotten by them.

In the silence of the meadow's embrace,

I stand alone, a withered trace.

For I was more than just a flower fair,

I was a soul, left to despair.

So heed my tale, oh passersby,

See beyond the beauty, hear my cry.

For a flower deserves respect,

Not to be plucked and discarded, left wrecked.

[heartbreaksmvp]

Icarus Again

I tell myself this time will be different,  

that the sun won’t burn as bright,  

that my wings won’t melt like before.  

Every time,  

I believe it,

that maybe love can be softer,  

a flame I can hold without fear.

But I always fly too high, 

too fast,  

chasing a light I think will last,  

and every time,  

I fall.

It’s always the same,

I rise on hope,  

stitching together dreams that fray too soon,  

and when the sky cracks open,  

I don’t even feel it coming 

until I’m already tumbling down.

The sea greets me  

with the same cold embrace, 

salt in my mouth,  

the taste of everything I lost  

and all the things I can’t hold onto.

I tell myself I’ll learn, 

that next time  

I won’t fly so close, 

but my heart never listens. 

It beats with the same reckless want,  

believing love will hold me up  

even when my wings start to fail.

I am always Icarus,  

crashing into the same sea, 

and yet,  

I never stop hoping  

the sun will love me back.

[heartbreaksmvp]

why wont you let me in

In the silence of the night, I wait,

My heart heavy with love, my soul in debate,

I offer you all I am, all I've been,

But still, you push me away, why won't you let me in?

I've bared my soul, laid it at your feet,

Hoping for a chance, a love complete,

Yet you remain distant, your walls thick and thin,

I'm standing here, pleading, why won't you let me in?

I see the way you look at others, their allure,

But in my eyes, you'll find a love pure,

I'll be your rock, your light in the dim,

Just open your heart, why won't you let me in?

I've tried to show you that I'm worth the fight,

To prove to you I'll make everything right,

Yet still, you hesitate, your doubts begin,

I'm here, waiting, begging, why won't you let me in?

I know I care more, I've seen it clear,

But my love for you only grows, my dear,

I'll stand by you through thick and thin,

Please, my love, tell me, why won't you let me in?

[heartbreaksmvp]

The Many Faces of You

You flirt like it’s a game,  

casting smiles and half-truths to anyone who listens,  

your charm a currency you spend freely,  

while I stand in the corner,  

wondering where I fit 

in the parade of attention.

Your honesty is sharp, 

unforgiving,  

you speak without pause, without care  

for the way your words land,  

and I’ve felt the sting of your truth,  

cutting deeper than you’ll ever know.

Commitment is a door you never open,  

a promise left hanging in the air,  

always just out of reach. 

You tell me you’re not ready,  

and I’ve seen it

the way you linger on the edge,  

a player in a game you refuse to quit.

Sometimes your words degrade me,  

turn love into something small,  

something lesser.  

You aren’t emotional, 

you don’t cry,  

you don’t spill your heart into mine  

the way I crave.  

Instead, you stand guarded,  

locked behind a wall I can’t climb.

But still,

I love you.  

It’s in the way your smile softens  

when no one’s watching, 

how your laugh brightens even my darkest days.  

You’re unapologetically yourself,  

and somehow, even with all your edges,  

you make me feel seen, 

alive,  

as if I’m the only one who knows  

what’s hidden behind your mask.

When you hold me,  

everything else falls away,  

your flaws, your fears, your distance,

all I see is the man 

who loves me in his own broken way,  

and maybe that’s enough.

Because even in your imperfection,  

I find something real, 

something worth holding on to.  

And every flaw, every misstep,  

only makes me love you more.

[heartbreaksmvp]

[heartbreaksmvp]

love bombing and lying

Boys truly seem to think I am stupid. Time and time again I find myself talking to guys who try to get one over on me. I was talking to this guy, Dylan, we met on Hinge (don't judge me, I'm home from school and bored). We began snaping, texting, facetiming, just really getting to know each other. We seemed to have a lot in common and I valued the things that he wanted for his future, which were eerily similar to mine. He'd compliment me, a lot, say how much he valued me, how amazing I am. At this point we've maybe been talking 3 days. I recognized the heeps of compliments and constant attention from a previous boy I've talked to (we will get to him at a later date) as some slight love bombing. I was a little suspicious of my assumption of it being love bombing, passing it off as me overthinking from previous experience. We made plans to hang out Memorial Day, the saturday before we stayed up till 4am talking on the phone. Sunday he was suddenly not feeling the best, saying he'd feel awful if he got me sick when we hung out, to which I lied and said I had an amazing immune system (I'm sick every 2 weeks). He told me had the flu. That evening he said he was staying at his aunts house because he didn't want to be alone. MIND YOU HE SHARED HIS LOCATION WITH ME THE FIRST DAY OF US TALKING. He was in fact in a parking lot, when I brought it up he said his aunt lives next to his old high school... For the first time in my life, my gut was yelling at me telling me soemthing was wrong, that he was lying. I brought it up and he made some comment about trusting him. I contuined to mention the feeling i had, to which he finally came forward with the "truth". He made some story about being upset he can't work because of he helps pay for his father's rehab. He sends me quite the short essay explaining it, to which i respond asking him why he is still lying. He said he was worried about telling me that he went out with his friends to play basketball because he didn't want to miss out and knew I'd say something because he didn't feel well. YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. I told him lying wasn't okay, how it was stupid for him to think I'd care about him hanging with his friends, and lastly that he was stupid to think I was dumb enough to fall for multiple lies. His excuse was he has a problem lying about little things because he is a people pleaser. We called talked about it and in the end it is better off that he is NOT in my life. Why is it that i keep attracting these type of boys?