heartnbrain

[heartnbrain]

Day 1

I am done.

I don’t know at what point, but I know that at some point, I believed that if I wished for something hard enough, if I just exposed myself and waved my arms over my head and sang loudly, louder that my lungs could do, “Hey! I’m here!”, that the wish would come to me.

If I’m honest, I wonder sometimes if I try hard enough, or if I really just wave my arms, sing, and hope for the best.

I feel lately like I let everyone down. Most of all, myself.

This persona I cannot be is interesting, and happy and wild. She is not caged by people’s opinions. She is well-liked, and it is well-deserved. I am but a shell of that person. I cannot understand why I’m not liked.

But I’m done, and I know it, because I have looked at my wish in the eye, and felt it warm my fingertips, and felt it fly away and simmer into someone else’s hands. And I knew that I was done as it turned into a small bird and it nestled, eyes closed, into the comfort of someone else’s care.

I’m done, and I know it. And I want to stop. I want no one to expect nothing of me. I’d like nothing more than be free. Free of the expectations of others, that they were created in the first place because of me.

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I think there's people who think: Hey, you need help. I know. I swear I know.

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But if I do go ahead and ask myself what I want to be

I think what I most want to be a is a crossfit champion.

An amazing urban dancer.

And a speed swimmer.

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“Indecision may or may not be my problem.”

[Jimmy Buffett]

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I don’t want to be a coward.

And yet it seems that the only thing I can do

is do things that I know how to do.

Because I don’t know how to stop. 

Because stopping is failure.

But I want to be happy, as happy as I can be, for the rest of my life.

I can’t be happy if I’m a coward at stopping

I can’t be happy if I stop, and I fail.

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Hey

[10:02:32 PM] Jennie π: Hey [10:02:34 PM] Jennie π: Can you say [10:02:49 PM] Jennie π: That in a time that's now so far [10:02:57 PM] Jennie π: we were not born for a single star? [10:03:06 PM] Jennie π: Were we old together? [10:03:15 PM] Jennie π: Did we grow together? [10:03:54 PM] Jennie π: Did I nurse your wounds an autumn night? [10:04:04 PM] Jennie π: Did you cut my hair on fire's light? [10:04:22 PM] Jennie π: Is that why we find in no other [10:04:27 PM] Jennie π: what we have now in each other?

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The Eagle Nebula, observed with the 0.9-meter telescope at Kitt Peak, Arizona.

(NASA/APOD)

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All the planets as one! (plus Pluto…)

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xx transparent xx

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When you came to this world, you were alone But ever since I've come to this world, I have been with you I have walked were you have walked And lived where you have lived And traced your steps, place by place, corner by corner of this city In time, I have been where you have been, and loved what you have loved. And since then, to now, and to never You will never be alone For I have loved you from the day I came to this world And ever since I came to this world I have been with you.

[heartnbrain]

Off Key - 1

"I met Alexander a couple of years ago.

He is my superior, my teacher, an inspiration of what I hoped to achieve through my career. It is one of my greatest satisfactions in life to play beside him, to be beside him. I don’t know if I love him, I just know that I can’t lose him.

Alexander is kind, and gentle. Even to the girls that so annoyingly try to get his attention. Even to the reluctant students, even to the worst of directors. I think, among many, this is his greatest virtue. If I love him, I don’t think I can ever have him. For as long as I have met him, he has remained single and I could dare say, uninterested in companionship.

If he needed someone, I would know. I must believe that I would know if it were the case. 

I was wrong.

An August afternoon, before the start of a practice session, Alexander gave me tips on technique for the piece that we would be playing. I drift away when he starts playing. I know he wants me to look at his fingers and focus on the notes, but I can’t help getting pulled into a world of fantasy and excitement and oh my god… did he just go out of tune?

My attention came back to the present. I looked at Alexander, his playing slightly slower, his glance fixed in front of him. I turned to see what he was looking at.

And there she was.”

cont…