hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

The Happy kind of sad

There are days when the sun doesn't shine...it just merely peeps through the curtain of the clouds

Then there are days when despite the sun shining all around, you turn the blinds down, blocking any and every possibility of light inside.

What drives you to it though?

The black clouds of fear and death crowding and foreboding.

The gloomy happiness of your soul feasting on the loneliness that is life.

A life chosen by you. Built by your truth. And broken by the same.

And while you trace the angles of the shards, with the ghost of regret for the broken, you smile at death.

The death of all of reality.

The death of all the lies and those that lied.

Its the happy kind of sad.

The happiness you always wanted.

The sadness that left you bare.

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

I was tagged by @zarryiscanon to jot down points I like about myself...well, I tweaked it a bit to:

5 Things I love about myself:

1) I have a very strong sense of right vs wrong and stand up for what is right even if that means the whole world, and I mean literally 99% of inhabitants of my social world hate on me for it. I cannot stand injustice, and would fight against it no matter what. Something which probably scares people,but more so definitely makes them uncomfortable, especially if they decide to let things be and go with the flow no matter how unjust it is.

2) I actively stay away from the herd mentality.

I've fallen off the wagon quite a lot of times, but in the end I somehow or the other do end up deciding against going with the herd, as 9/10 times it turns out to be a sure shot recipe for ...well..not failure exactly...but mediocrity. At least my definition of it.

Which brings me to...

3)Living and being comfortable in my own skin. A very recent development, work still in progress, but I'm proud of how its going.

I hold nobody accountable for my decisions in life except for me and me only. Tough job as i often bungle up and twist myself into a mental twister of my own making, but well, it is of my own making and evem though quite unpleasant, I have total control over it. Not a puppet controlled by the strings of societal norms and niceties.

4) well, obviously by now it is quite clear that this is basically an excerpt from the diary of a social Pariah...

So it is quite fitting that point no.4 in this list is my close group of loved ones.

My amazingly imperfect family, a nerdy owl like bestie ...and the love of my life who is literally my moral compass in all situations...i could and would do anything to protect them . I love them to bits, and really am thankful to them for staying around and keeping me sane in insane situations.

Why is this a featurette in this list of "points omI love about myself" you ask....well, that's cuz everything I love about myself stems from my love for them. They ARE my life!

5) despite what all the aggressive and fierce talk above may portray me as...

I am a softie at heart. A beautifully fragile, gentle, and empathetic person whose own empathy comes back to bite me in my butt, very frequently.

And lately, I am trying to be forgiving as well

And no, I'm not saying this to earn any brownie points out here...cuz lets face it... I'm anonymous, and so are you aka.the reader, assuming there is a reader, as for most purposes, I'm jotting this down as a self-love project that I'm on. (Something to give me a popeye-and-his-spinach-like boost during tough times, cuz folks, times are tough and they are getting tougher and tougher)

But yeah...I digress.

I have haters. Many. Please do not underestimate the word "many" when I say it because I legit mean MANY.And tbh, I do not know why...no.. actually I do, its just I feel people lack perspective and are acting out like 5 yesr olds who discovered a broken crayon during an art class they dont even like to attend.

I digress...again.

So yeah, I have haters, I have been at the recieving end of many many hurtful, vile, jealosy filled toxic emotions and experiences.... mistrust, accusation of lying, blah blah...you name it , and I got it girl.

But yeah, in the core of it all, despite, the current atmosphere literally tearing me from within( yeah, im not that ruff n tuff ... surprise surprise),i forgive each and every one of them because I know they are just lashing out. Its human nature. Projection of self insecurities and shortcomings ontu a target, generally the one trending (remember the taylor swift hate days...yups...that)

And I completely understand that. Times are tough. For me as well as them. But if both sides keep fighting, there is going to be no end. They can compulsively crush me socially, but I forgive them for it as I choose to.

No im not all saint like or achieving nirvana or zen or anything. Far from it.

It affects me. Deeply.

I cry myself to sleep each and every night. I am dangerously close to my breaking point and can cave in any moment (even while I type).

But remember point no.1,2 and 3....

I am my own person, and I choose to forgive them as that's the only way I can feel a tiny bit of sanity in this crazy situation. People whom I considered damn close to my heart, I still do, and I would still do anything for, were damn hurtful. Some expectedly, some u expectedly.

Unfortunately, this chaos is bringing out the worst in people.

But I am choosing not to. Every day I wake up to a fresh bout of accusations and hurt, I choose to mentally be kind to them, try to understand their pain as it sure must be 10x worse than mine for them to be so harsh.

I choose to forgive. Not made it to the forget part of the deal, but getting there...

Its one of the hardest projects I've undertaken, but that's where my tiny entourage of loved ones come in. The only support system i can and am blindly falling back upon.

I have fallen, I am falling and i will definitely fall multiple times before I'm gone, but that's how I learnt how to ride a bicycle... a lesson ingrained in me forever.

This was wayyy longer than I meant it to be.

To whoever reaches the end of this post, first of all, congratulations! i commend you on your attention span.

Secondly, consider yourself nominated to carry on the chain.

Go ahead and type your heart and guts out.

If nothing, this will stand as a reminder on your blog on a rainy day, as to why you are the best person you could have ever met. It certainly helped me during one of my mini solo breakdowns.

Love yourself folks... you are all you have, and all you will ever need!

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

Meanwhile, after the news broke:

Zayn,

I know it has been quite a while since we spoke. Now that could have been attributed to me changing my number and not giving you my new one but that is neither here nor there.

Point is, you and Gigi are having a baby girl. Yeah, Kendall told me. We are quite good friends. Speaking of which, she also told me that she is going to be your daughter's godmother.

Now, I know that we have had our differences in the past what with me calling you Ringo and the bold faced lies on your part as to how we never really talked while we were in the band together. But I am willing to put it behind us in the spirit of forgiveness for the new life that has been created.

I would like you to consider making me the baby's godfather. Kendall and I have already agreed that we will make amazing co-godparents. Don't worry. Take some time to talk it over with G and get back to me.

On a completely unrelated side note I will be making a trip to Pennsylvania next week and would love to drop by.

My best wishes to both of you.

All the love,

-H

P.S. If you haven't decided on a name yet, may I suggest Harriet or Veronica

All the love once again

-H

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

Poetic words from Sophia Joan

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

The boy has never had anything nice and the second he gets his hands on some money he tries to buy a fucking solid gold cauldron like started from the bottom now we here I love him so much

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

harry potter was such a pure child like he went to a ghosts death day party, he talked to myrtle bc she was lonely, he set a snake free bc it was unhappy, he genuinely was friends with luna even thought people thought she was weird, he attended aragog’s funeral, he met some lanky kid on the train and his immediate reaction was to buy the whole fucking trolly to share with him, and then when they got to hogwarts and malfoy was talkin shit about this kid he met a few hours ago he just went oh no u didnt ima protect this one

hes just so pure feel free to add to this

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

Tears.

Give this person a pultizer already 🐦