hikaruneesan

[hikaruneesan]

Hello sadness my old friend

Won’t you say goodbye again 

I don’t mind you now and then

But every day? you’ll be my end 

[hikaruneesan]

Hell of the Selfish

Hell is in the selfish

They are a sea of emptiness 

No love can fill their reservoirs 

What they give are metaphors

They pray for rain from their prey

It was a blessing for them to take

Then curse the earth

For their own darkness

Not seeing their hell

That burned the helpless

[hikaruneesan]

oh the vanity of reckless insanity

endlessly repeating feckless inquiries of beauty

worthless, unconvincing evidence

the heart believes nothing for confidence

[hikaruneesan]

Elements of Loneliness

Loneliness is conducive to writing. It is of a strange and pure beauty. That which would be evaporated into deaf ears is frozen into permanence, and like one appreciates a silent tundra, begins to appreciate loneliness. Merely by pondering, merely by wondering can I experience a landscape of emotions. Words of rain fall as tears, words of empathy collect in lakes, words of solitude smother as snow. Writing made me feel as no person ever did or could.

 Yet, loneliness is a colorless beauty. No matter how vast the world, I am alone in my words. No matter how feeling, my words do not have a soul of their own. I sought within that which I failed to seek without, for I did not know how. I have learned to appreciate loneliness--even welcome it--yet my soul still yearns for persons.

 That which I thought was God could not fill the void, for He too was as intangible as words. He was water passing through my hands, unable to be grasped--first water then gas, an element too complex to understand. With all His ethereality, my soul an isolated desert of His own making, He was to befriend me. Still, I was lonely. Before a body of all knowing and all giving water, I lay dying. Deaf ears spoke with mute mouths, only God is enough. Take your heart, your everything, and drown it with tears from above. However, words, no matter how feeling, can never be enough. Loneliness, no matter how beautiful, cannot be formed into love.

[hikaruneesan]

Words of Worth

When I was a child, I wanted to be a writer. When I was a child, I wanted to help people. Most importantly, I wished to use my words. They were simple dreams that drove me to achieve. However, the words weaved in my mind were those of worthlessness. Like water and ice, they froze in darkness and shattered my heart. The ensuing flood could not be stopped, and one by one I barred the gates to my mind in hopes to live.

 Now, I, one by one, am unbarring those very gates. I have painstakingly created canals, fortified the levees, repaired the channels, and now, I can think again. Now, I can write. The dreams I had given up on, the dreams I had let go of in efforts to focus on living, are now, even if not yet feasible, they are least dreamable. As a result, I am once again hoping to use my words. I am hoping that the waters constantly circulating in my mind could be refined, and that by the time they reach the world, that my words would be of worth.

[hikaruneesan]

Without Hope

If I hope, I will be disillusioned.

If I hope, I will lose it.

For she is a bird with the world as its nest,

And before it can birth, she will die in my chest.

Even should she live, she cannot fly.

With eggshells at her feet, she will not dare to try.

Betrayed by the air, a creature I cannot bear,

Hope without feathers becomes despair.

I abandon her, and she never returns.

Freedom becomes a dream I do not yearn.

Yet, still the sky comes to me, and I find I have no reason to be.

Without hope, I have no wings.

[hikaruneesan]

A Butterfly’s Weight

I break from the weight of butterfly effects of fate For I consider all options with grandeur burdens to make And though it takes much of little for little to mean much I cannot help but to give more meaning to every choice I make up Yet actions are as human as their masters are in passing— Fleeting but with significance to some Thus to fly free I must let go of butterfly wings of destiny For choices are as fragile as they come

[hikaruneesan]

a melancholy happiness

[hikaruneesan]

Music is my caffeine.

[hikaruneesan]

Sleep Paralysis

I wake up to a dream. It looks just like reality. Only I cannot move. I struggle to wake up, opening my eyes like in Eternal Sunshine, and succeed—only to wake up to another dream. The room is the same and the bed is the same and the perspective is the same, and just the same I cannot move. But I know I must wake up. I need to wake up. Just above me there is a force, pulling me in, and all I want to do is escape. I know not how many times I wake before reality hits. And still, even still, I cannot move.

Nightmares do not scare me as they one did. Drowning or running for my life do not compare to sleep paralysis. In such dreams there is an underlying feeling of fictitiousness and no sense of consequence. Emotions are as in a play--I am acting but not truly experiencing. But sleep paralysis is different. Though there is lucidity, because it is a copy of reality my body believes and acts as reality. Being unable to escape from life is inevitable; but being unable to escape from even a copy of life, that is frightening.

[hikaruneesan]

ハイセ by 頭の中カユ太郎

Permission to upload was given by the artist!

[hikaruneesan]

[hikaruneesan]

And Sanity

i live as if there is no insanity but i know my heart has the tendency for sanity must first be in me for it to be a possibility

i am repeating, a playlisted song never-ending lyrical breathing but an echo of restarting inner turmoil beating, defiance desperately screaming every chorus rising to every bridge then falling and unlike a recording i grow weary of singing

if insanity is repeating and unresulting then i am encircling madness by endlessly trying again and again

sanity is spiraling while i am feining normality i am starting to believe this as reality but my heart is unforgiving as i have ceased the mending and it will not cease to bleed until i reveal what is rending

i find myself pleading to silence the thinking no thought more freeing than the apathy of living for every yearning ends in painfully gasping with just the thought of once again dreaming and so continuing i hide my unraveling

brokenness befriends me a condition lending me a wound that cannot unwind i am left burying the remnants of my mind tired of endlessly trying yet this is a rented life and i must send the price thus i find myself unable to not try

insanity you are a part of me for you remind me of my humanity that i am dying but alive and though you are in me i must act to sanity trying but not wanting to try

[hikaruneesan]

Insanity

I plead to my sanity Oh please do not leave I won’t think deep of things Nor will I live waking dreams I won't see past meaning Just please do not leave

.

I clutch my head and dread such thoughts And try to be as living dead I try so hard to not try hard But I can never go far That is how I do not fall I just don’t stand at all

.

I scream to insanity I know you are inside of me Not trying but still breaking free Not fighting but breaking me Taking down and possessing All the remnants of my being Yet you are my sanity For you are inside of me

[hikaruneesan]

You have a poor and tortured soul, A dying, breaking mind Don't use more words Just keep lying