hopelessromanticsociopath

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

I am a recovering anorexic

i thought i recovered but instead i just adapted a different eating disorder. I am now at my highest weight, 165. I am considered overweight for my height.

I’m humiliated. I thought I was recovered but there I go again eating 1000 calories over what is normal. I just wish to be normal. The normal skinny, the natural skinny. The type of skinny that is imperfect, some flaws, some fat. Not stick skinny with bones sticking out. I used to wish I could be so skinny and starve myself to death, but now, I just to fit into my old pair of jeans.

They don’t talk about that part of the eating disorder. The whiplash. At least for some people, and i know this isn’t just me, I starved myself so much that i got sick of starving. I ate in fury and rage. I hated that I hated myself. I want to stop eating so much, but I can’t. It’s like I can’t stop. My body moves without moving. I just want to stop. why can’t i stop? I want to stop. I want to starve myself like I used to. I try so hard. I cry after every meal.

I used to be 100 pounds. Now i sit here alone at 165, knowing that everyone around sees my double chin and my chubby legs. I hide my whole body. I hate myself. This life I live is unsatisfying. I could take wear a bikini if I wanted to.

I’m the kind of fat that isnt pretty. I am the skinny fat. I’m skinny enough that I can get away with it, but I barely fit in size 7 jeans. It’s fucking embarrassing. It’s fucking humiliating. I want to be different. How do I stop this cycle?

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

here's a collection of songs that I've curated that made me go "holy shit they read my mind while writing this." i'd like to think they cover the full spectrum of BPD moods from "wow I hate myself and wanna die" to "I'm literally the best person ever why do people still not like me" to "am i even a person that exists". some of it isn't necessarily BPD related bc this is my personal feels playlist so please excuse that lol.

hope this can help someone feel less alone, and feel free to pop into my inbox if you wanna chat (bpd stuff or otherwise).

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

Alright! Chat time for my lovely followers who do read my posts! And the random people who look at the ana hashtags. This one is for you reading thus

This year i have fallen into a deep hole of binging and restricting and i lost around 40 pounds. I began eating healthier and working out but the results weren’t showing as fast as I wanted them to so I just stopped eating. It began to get very scary and dangerous. My hair started falling out, my period went away, and i was almost passing out everytime i stood up and i reached a very low weight. People began to notice and call me tiny and i was actually very flattered by it and it kept me going.

I also began to slightly lose it. I began spiraling and fell into a psychosis like state where i would act and not think. I eventually got hospitalized, for doing drugs yikes, not my eating disorder persay, but being there, you have to eat or else they’ll put tubes down your throat blah blah. I was not happy about this because i was on about a 2 week fast by that point. But once i began eating again, i noticed the cloudiness in my head began to slowly fade. I’m really really not okay with my life right now. And recovering is so hard. But sometimes it feels nice to eat something other than skinny pop and rice cakes and low cal yogurt and jello. I ate a sandwich the other day for the first time in like ..... months. My mind was absolutely racing, i was eating TWO pieces of bread like in my head that was like breaking a law. I also bought myself a kit kat. Kit kats are fucking crack. They are SO yummy and it felt so nice to just enjoy food for the first time in absolutely such a long time.

I realized that with my eating disorder came a lot of hatred. And it came with a lot of thoughts like oh I’ll be happy when I’m 105 pounds, but at my lowest weight, like 107, i was fucking the most miserable at my whole life. I was digging myself in such a deep hole. Everyone could see that except for me because I’m the type to refuse to ask for help until i am absolutely rock bottom. I wish I had gotten help sooner. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much.

So many dinners with my friends that i skipped. So much food I didn’t eat for months even though i loved it, i was just scared of the calories and gaining weight. And I won’t lie to you, recovery is one of the hardest things I’ve ever put myself in. I don’t know how long this will last either. Recovery is never linear. But it feels nice. It feels like a nice break. And I won’t lie, sometimes i look at myself in the mirror and cry because I don’t like what i see. Sometimes i skip meals, sometimes i throw up in the bathroom when i eat too much, i count every calorie in my head silently, i still check pro ana blogs. I don’t know if i would say I’m recovering correctly either because I’m just silently fighting this battle in my head. It’s scary. It’s really scary. This was how I’ve coped for the past year.

I’m not in nearly as deep as so many people are. I know this post could never stop someone from their lifestyle. And who am i to judge? I’m not. But eating meals just has made me already so much better. I feel a little bit better. It’s like some of the emptiness is gone. Because literally. The emptiness inside my stomach is gone

That being said gaining weight that you lost is one of the worst feelings ever. Months of progress just like that ..... gone. But I’ve decided the perfection I’ve strived for is unachievable. I will never be happy with myself no matter what weight I am; and I’m not the girl who’s naturally model thin, and I’m very much not okay with that, but I’ll have to be if I want to stay alive. And making that choice is actually life vs death. I’m choosing to live. I’m choosing freedom.

And it’s the scariest thing ever

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

i drew stories all over my body

little doodles

and scribbles

each anecdote telling a different story

One for the boy who broke my heart

Two because it was my fault he broke my heart

third one because i deserve it

fourth one because he hates me so i hate myself too

fifth one because i’m wrong

wrong wrong wrong always wrong

sixth because you’re not pretty enough

seventh because you’re too awkward

I begin to lose track at this point as the tears blur my eyes

I can barely count anymore I’m just alone with my thoughts

Not skinny enough pretty enough funny enough

Not enough

I deserved it

I deserved it

And as blood drips to the floor, I feel satisfied

Those are the stories of the scars of my body

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

Restaurants Safe Foods Masterpost

Food from my master post, this is just so you don’t have to scroll through the whole thing if you didn’t want to on my masterpost

A&W

Applebees

Arbys

Bojangles

Burger King

Bj’s

Carrabas

Cheddars

Chick-Fil-A

Chilis

Chipotle

Chuck E Cheese

Cici’s

Cracker Barrel

Culivers

Dairy Queen/Orange Julius

Denny’s

Dominos

Dunkin Donuts

Fire House Subs

Five Guys

Fuddruckers

Golden Coral

Hard Rock

In and Out Burger

IHOP

Jasons Deli

KFC

Krispy Kreme

Little Caesers

Krystals

Logans Road House

Long Horn Steak House

McAlisters Deli

McDonalds

Movie Theaters

Olive Garden

Outback Steak House

Panda Express

Panera Bread Co.

Papa Johns

Papa Murphys

Pizza Hut

Popeyes

PF Changs

Red Robins (yuUUMMM)

Ruby Tuesday

Sonic

Steak and Shake

Subway

Taco Bell

Texas Road House

Tim Hortons

Waffle House

Wendy’s

White Castle

Zaxbys

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

this user is still healing

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

this user believes the world is a computer simulation

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

this user suffers from alcoholism

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

You can still be happy while living with your disorder.

You can and will eventually get to a place of stability eventually.

You have a lot of potential to heal and grow.

You aren’t too broken to live the life you want, to live a happy life, or to be loved.

You are inherently lovable and worthy of existing.

Your future is not sealed.

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

God dammit I just can’t let myself have one thing can I

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

i need a new life

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

i miss myself

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

things i remember from when i was 105 pounds

-i ran A LOT i made myself

-i was really cold

-i was tired. really really tired

-i ate peanut butter a lot

-i drank a lot

-i got an alarming amount of sends on my post because you could see my rib cage

-i didn’t eat ever because i didnt think i deserved to

-i took a lot of pictures of my body

-people called me too skinny

-i would eat and immediately throw up because it made me sick

-i ate an alarming amount of peanut butter

-i wasn’t even hungry

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

he said 😂😂😂😂he’s scared of me😂😂😂i have literally no one😂😂😂no one texts me😂😂😂😂 or talks to me 😂😂😂😂or likes me😂😂😂😂😂every1 thinks im so happy because i’m so bubbly😂😂😂😂but i literally want to die😂😂😂😂why does no one care😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i’ve ruined everything 😂😂😂😂

[hopelessromanticsociopath]

i get so scared when people touch me hashtag trauma alert yikes