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A Reflection on My Decision Against Suicide. - from my journal

December fourth approaches, and with it comes the one year anniversary of my decision to live. For all of my struggles remembering daily events, I still remember exactly where I was when I decided.

I was on the last leg of my run and had just rounded a corner running uphill when I started thinking about how many people were being murdered in genocides with my every step. How they didn't get a chance to decide, and never would. I thought of people who had big dreams, small dreams, people who never got to say goodbye whose bodies wouldn't ever be recovered, who wouldn't be identified because everyone who knew them had already died, who just wanted to see their kid or parent one last time, who left a puzzle unfinished, didn't want to die, had already accepted death, people who realized death was not release, but another measure of control by their oppressors.

And suddenly, my years long debate with suicide seemed so, so ridiculous. Who am I to reject the gift of life. If I don't live for myself, I thought I should at least live for them, for the the ones who don't get a choice. I made my decision, then and there, that I would indeed live for them, if not for myself. And hopefully, I would find reasons of my own along the way, and I have.

I haven't thought about killing myself since that day, and I've discovered that life is so much more beautiful without the filter of a funeral shroud.

This is not to say that I don't have to work for it. I wasn't lying about possibly having undiagnosed depression, OCD, and ADHD. And you know what? I don't wish that I was. I am only who I am now because of who I was before. I still deal with paranoia, night terrors, insomnia, rejection sensitive disorder, and more. But I am here. I am living, breathing, and against all odds, I am happy.

I think what got me through is my sense of justice. My completely and entirely overwhelming care for the world. I know a lot of people tell each other not to watch the news to "protect their peace." But, like my favorite Eugene V. Debs quote emulates, I say that you cannot live anywhere in this world in peace. Poverty is a war. Famine is a war. Prejudice is a war. War is all around you, and, no matter how far down you've shoved it, you know it to be true. War does not need fire and bombs to kill people. For you, perhaps it wields exhaustion, overconsumption, self hatred, beauty standard, the threat of not obeying normalcy. War wears you down whether your head is in front of the gun or shoved deep in the dirt.

But whether you let it weaken your bones or not is your decision. That day, December fourth, I chose to fight. I refused to give in, and I will fight until death if I must. And I'll fight that too. I am only here because thousands of people before me, for thousands of years, had the urge to go on, the urge to stay alive despite it all. and though you may be thinking I have confidence in my ability to end war, I'll tell you right now that I don't.

In the same way I raise my hand even when I am unsure of my answer, I put my effort into researching, speaking out, educating myself, and, most of all, preparing myself to help the best I possibly can. They need doctors willing to go into fights and help civilians. I'm good at biology and enjoy it, so I've decided that I'll try to become a doctor. And all the way, I will not silence myself. I will make use of my privilege for those who do not have any.

My dream is to go to space, see Mars and the moon with my own eyes. But I know that, more than not achieving my dream, leaving behind a world in this state would eat me up inside. I could be on a different planet and still feel every death like it was a bullet to my own heart. In the same way I have decided not to abandon life, I refuse to abandon Earth.

P.S. - the Eugene V. Debs quote I mentioned is "Your Honor, years ago I recognized my kinship with all living beings, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on earth. I said then, and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it, and while there is a criminal element I am of it, and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free."

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When you support Israel. This is what you support. When you support Zionism. You support annihilation of Palestinians.

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Never again is now.

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Who killed him? How did he die?

He was tortured to death. I want everybody to imagine the strength it takes to endure weeks of painful torture (that include electric shocks) and not make the false confession the zionists tried to get to justify their hospital massacres.

He endured the pain to protect his people

A more detailed post abt Palestinian Prisoners

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this year while we all celebrate pride month and celebrate ourselves as well as those who came before us and paved the way for us to do so, we must also think of those in gaza, queer or not, who live every day under a brutal occupation and don’t have that same privilege. happy pride, and may we see a free palestine in this lifetime.

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never forget how the mainstream media spread the fake beheaded babies news while completely ignoring the 40,000+ palestinians butchered by israel.

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As pride month begins, let us not forget our Palestinian brothers and sisters.

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If you're on Instagram I'm sure you saw everyone and their mom share the "all eyes on Rafah" template and, don't get me wrong, any and all solidarity is good and welcome but what really fucking enrages me is the timing.

The fact that influencers who literally never posted about Palestine in the past 8 whole months you'd think they're on a completely different planet, are all of a sudden just sharing a template that says "all eyes on Rafah"? Full fucking offence where were your eyes for the past 200+ days?

I say this because, again, the timing is fucking enraging. Did it have to be charred bodies and beheaded babies held up in front of the camera for you to finally say something? I know you had access to the same internet and the same resources that now magically bring this template to your own screen. Did it really have to be the smell of burnt flesh in the air for you to turn around and say "oh yes and all eyes on Rafah"?

Fucking sickening and I honestly don't care what anyone says at this point. I always said even changing your mind on the last day of this genocide is still good but at this rate? With this timing? In this manner? It says a lot more than you think about how callous and selfish these motherfuckers are than their pretence of a final recognition of our humanity.

YOU are the reason Palestinians burnt in their tents, because when they were shelled inside hospitals you said nothing, and when they were struck inside mosques and churches you said nothing, and when they were sniped while trying to get aid you said nothing, and when they were massacred inside schools you said nothing.

So anyway, fuck you. This is the laziest attempt to displace the guilt of your complacency.

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From Ghassan Abu Sitta, April 1, 2024. The massacres of Al Shifa Hospital and the IOF's 14 days siege of it.

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Cape Town, South Africa 📍25 May 2024

🇿🇦🫶🏻🇵🇸

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Hello everyone, I drew this at the request of my dear friend @mohammedayesh who asks for your help from the heart of Gaza. There are no words to describe the danger he is constantly in, especially in light of the recent massacre in Rafah.

Please donate whatever you can to his GoFundMe or his Paypal. As of 27th May 2024, he is less than 3,000 euros away from his goal:

7,108 euros / 10,000 euros

Every cent is precious. Do not slow your efforts!

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‘I wish for death’ - Twelve-year-old Alma says. She fled bombing and shelling twice before the third place they sheltered was bombed, She was rescued from the rubble only to find out both her parents and all four of her siblings had been killed. She found her 18-month-old brother in an unimaginable state. Her little brother was beheaded from the rubble after the IOF massacred them.

Source: BBC

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Don’t fucking look away from Rafah, don’t look away, if you are willfully looking away then you should be ashamed of yourself.

Fuck the Met Gala, it means nothing but a distraction for those of you who are willingly looking away.

The Palestinians need our attention, they need our support, they need us to witness and remember and help when it is asked for and when we can.

All Eyes on Rafah, All Eyes on Palestine!

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My senior doctor told me that a Palestinian patient who crossed from Gaza to Egypt came with a complaint about stomach pain. It turned out that because she was starved for so long, her stomach shrunk. So, when she finally got her hands on foods she tried to eat her full, and her stomach couldn't digest it.

My senior told me that she was talking so sincerely about how she wanted to eat so much because she missed food.

Couldn't tell whether I should be glad for her or cry for her

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