hyacinthcare

[hyacinthcare]

I hate the notion of "I've only been made uncomfortable by cis men" as a gotcha for transphobes and terfs, because, no, actually I've been made uncomfortable by a trans man, I've been assaulted by a trans man, but you know what? It had nothing to do with him being trans and everything to do with him being a shit person.

[hyacinthcare]

I seen a lot of posts like that recently and I hate notion of "wow turns out getting off the phone and taking a walk really works" and "now when I'm adult I would also advice angsty teenagers to touch grass" because like it depends. Amazing if it works for you, but it won't for everyone. It's not a universal remedy you think it is. At my most unstable, depressed and self-destructive, I was doing multiple sports and was part of multiple sports teams, I had friends and barely used my phone. I didn't have any socials other than Facebook, and my favourite use of free time was playing ball with my friends or going for a walk in a park/forest. I was an outdoorsy kid who was chronically offline. It didn't save me from feeling miserable. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't prevent me from eating disorders, underage drinking, suicidal thoughts and and self-harm. I was crying myself to sleep and feeling lonely and hopeless and then I was waking up to hang out with groups of friends welcoming me with open arms and going for a run around the park leaving my phone silenced with wi-fi off. It didn't change a shit about my mental health.

[hyacinthcare]

I would love to have my own family one day, but since it looks like I can't have it, I will settle for being a reckless adventurer with a backpack as my only companion.

[hyacinthcare]

It me

[hyacinthcare]

I didn't have a panic attack for so long I forgot how terrible they are. Now I'm alone, terrified, hurting and so so tired but I have job to do and there is no one to come here and save me and my lungs are burning and I feel like I'm dying.

[hyacinthcare]

oh to have someone who loves you despite everything

[hyacinthcare]

I wish someone really loved me. I'm not good at crushes, and as much as I try to convince myself that I am one night stand type of person, I don't think that's true. As much as I don't look it, I'm anything but casual.

[hyacinthcare]

hate when people are like "trust your gut! listen to your intuition!" like okay well my gut is telling me every person i lay eyes on is hunting me for sport and my intuition is saying i should find a secluded cave and live there forever so what do you suggest i do with that information

[hyacinthcare]

i think, in part; that skittish people will always need to have a way out. I think it's really comforting to them if they know that if they need to flee then they can. loving someone like that probably should include being comfortable with the idea that there will need to be an escape route for the skittish critter. even if they feel the most at home with someone they ever have, knowing they're not trapped is important

[hyacinthcare]

I'm tired of being fucked up and I'm tired of trying to get help. Why can't I just like myself.

[hyacinthcare]

First week of the new year, and I already spiral in self hatred, want to sh and cancel my psychiatrist appointment. We're off to a great start.

[hyacinthcare]

I'm so good at leaving space and going away, but, oh God, I'm so terrible at staying even if you beg me to stay.

[hyacinthcare]

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

[hyacinthcare]

Occasionally we're afraid of those eyes who don't even have the courage to confront themselves

[hyacinthcare]

Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

[hyacinthcare]

Why do I always break promises, why can't I just go and get help?

I'm becoming like all those people I never wanted to be and I'm very aware of it, but can't stop it. I'm a piece of shit.

[hyacinthcare]