i-deserve-it-all

[i-deserve-it-all]

you are needed even when it feels like you aren’t.

Thank you <3

[i-deserve-it-all]

I think I focus on imagining the aftermath and people's reaction to my suicide so much because I just desperately wish I could hear them tell me how much they cherish having me in their life and how they miss me. I feel like I'm just floating through people's lives and that my presence doesn't add to their life much. I don't feel like I was ever a priority to anyone or that I'm really needed.

[i-deserve-it-all]

when it’s really bad again and it’s still way better than it used to be but it’s still really bad. and you do all the right stuff and you try and try and it still really hurts but it’s working but it still hurts and you go see the beautiful majesty of nature and your soul is so close to being at peace but your mind is still in pain. and it’s better but it’s still bad. and the sun is setting.

[i-deserve-it-all]

[i-deserve-it-all]

sexual abuse isn't worse than emotional abuse btw. physical abuse isn't worse either.

abuse is abuse. it impacts everyone differently. we shouldn't be comparing trauma to see who had it the worst.

[i-deserve-it-all]

[i-deserve-it-all]

They say that I don’t want to get better, that I like being sad. Maybe it’s true you know or I don’t know. It’s a little more than liking the sadness. It’s more how I’m scared to let go of my sadness and misery. It’s all I’ve known, it’s all I’ve had. My life has been pain, I don’t know anything else. Every single time I’ve tried believing that my life can be more than pain, there’s only more pain that follows. So how do I let go of the one thing that makes me feel alive?

[i-deserve-it-all]

I might try to plan suicide for real this time

I'm a lost cause

[i-deserve-it-all]

Fear of abandonment 🤝🏻 The desire to leave before I'll inevitably be left

[i-deserve-it-all]

i don’t make the rules, my brain does and unfortunately that bitch is chemically imbalanced

[i-deserve-it-all]

My psych appointment didn't go well. I think she misunderstood that I do actually always ask people if I can vent, because her hypothesis was that I don't feel empathy towards people who can't handle my vents. She later said her hypothesis was wrong but this had an effect on me and I just feel like a huge burden.. I'll try to not vent to people ig..

I also at the end tried to open up how suicidal I am but I accidentally didn't realise our session time is over so she interrupted me that we're very over time and have to stop with a very specific face expression, she probably wanted to have her 10 min break but bc of me it was like a 2 min break instead.. I feel horrible

[i-deserve-it-all]

I think I'll start planning my suicide again, I'm tired

[i-deserve-it-all]

I realised it's been 6 years since I was 18 and I remember writing suicidal shit on this blog all those years ago and I want to throw up because nothing changed, my life is worse and I should've killed myself at age 18 because there's nothing worth living this long for

[i-deserve-it-all]

Had a good day but everything got ruined by I saw my ex's art on front page bc someone retweeted it. She traumatised me so bad I almost killed myself... the triggers are still hard to deal with :(

[i-deserve-it-all]

It's my birthday

I feel like I wasn't supposed to live this long

[i-deserve-it-all]

Your periodic reminder that in people who have been subject to threats and punishment for having emotional responses or ‘inappropriate’ facial expressions, panic attacks look different.

They may look like the person has become calmer and less involved, dismissive, even. Some people become intensely subservient and silent. Some become catatonic.

Panic doesn’t always involve screaming, crying, and obvious signs of distress. It involves an extreme form of the person’s fear response – which can be altered by circumstance, ability, and what they’ve learnt to fear.

Which is to say, it’s not your place to decide someone isn’t having a panic attack, when they’ve told you that’s what’s happening.

[i-deserve-it-all]

“If you get that gut feeling that something isn’t right about a person or situation, trust it.”

— Unknown