iamtheocean-sea-blog - Tumblr blog

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

On a awesome diet called "I'm so stressed out, my body is literally rejecting food."

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

All I wanted was to make everyone happy. To the point where I'd take the brunt of everything and anything as long as others would be happy. And I did. And now I feel as though I've fucked everything up. No one is happy. I'm not happy. But I can't not be happy because that's who I've made myself to be. I feel as though everything I've tried to do has exploded, and I don't know where to go from here. Just know that I've tried so hard to please everyone, and I'm sorry I failed. I didn't mean to.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

New year goalzzzzz

1. No more one night stands. 2. Enjoy every cigarette. 2016, ya done. 3. Find more meaningful relationships. 4. Work on fear. Learn to be brave. 5. Don’t waste time on people who don’t care about you. 6. Stop playing games.

7. Stop glamorizing self destruction. You did that. It was fun but it's time to stop.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Someone remind me to stop while I can.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

ED-not eating made me feel strong. Dating- not being in love makes me feel strong. I'm not brave. Help me be brave.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Just friends. Nothing more.

And that has to be okay.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

I'm so dumb I'm so dumb I'm so dumb I do want love I know.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Almost guy high stories

I really wish you had time for me I really like you Maybe you do like me Nah I’m just the girl you fuck drunk Goddmit Do you? Nah you don’t Fuck You don’t You don’t You don’t You don’t No one will

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Growing up is learning to tell the difference between who wants to get to know you, and who says they want to get to know you and actually just wants to sleep with you.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Why do we love celebrities and other thoughts from a stoned 21 year old

Its such a strange concept to me. Why are we so fascinated by celebrities? When you really think about it, who are they? What they do doesn't dictate who we are  as a nation. on the other hand. politician, important cases, riots, fucking tornado warnings. Why are we not as aware of those things as we are with celebrities? I don't know anything about this country. I don't know anything about anyone who has any effect on the way I live, and yet, I can tell everything I had read about any celebrity. its such a movie concept. I imagine a big hit movie where normal people star and they're normal because they is no such thing as celebrities.Maybe thats what it is? People crave to be entertained. They watch these celebrities and get a glimpse into what they see as  a great fucking life. They idolize these people, they hate them and judge them because they fucking can. why would you hate someone you have never met? someone who has no effect one you? why are we as a society so god damn judgmental? But the movie is about people starting out, entertaining small groups of people, soon they tell a friend who tells a friend, kind of like a medieval twitter account so shit we basically always gossiped and acted the same. Like we all, all over the globe act the same. America's twitter account on their Iphone is the same interactions as a third world country interacting and sharing news. Are we the bad generation? the entitled generation? or have we always been like this as a society? we always killed. we were always sad. we always worked hard, its just a little easier now?

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

"I’m not sure if you’re looking for feedback at all to this, but it takes a really big person to put some of the blame onto themselves as well, and I really commend you for that!" barsandguitarss

Thanks! :) I figure I can't grow as a person if i don't take some responsibility myself. :) 

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

I'm trying to write an article about why I love sex and why I hate commitment but I haven't had sex sober in a long time so it's just turning into me discussing why i hate commitment and sober sex

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Reason 1736393 I love Colorado. ✌️

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

hi thoughts

I googled why people get hungry when they're stoned. It says the body thinks it is literally starving. 

its so scary that i used to believe so much and my view one things have changed so much

family guy is hilarious. like whatever its clever.

i think one day my siblings will be chillen with me and we'll be smoking together.

who would be worse a hitchhiker or someone picking a hitchhiker

i could totally see myself as the mom from the goldburgs 

sometimes i just really want to get married

then fast forward to when i'm 72 and stll married

i want to hire a cute by to touch my butt untill i fall asleep

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

I'd rather date an asshole

You read that correctly. I'd rather date a self proclaimed asshole then a "nice guy." If you tell me you're an asshole, there's an excellent chance that you're an asshole. If you tell me you're a nice guy, I don't know what to expect. Then if I don't panic and run and you actually are a nice guy, the fear sets in. And it goes back to the saying that every hipster blog on tumblr has from that book I hate, but is so painfully true, "you accept the love you think you deserve." I guess I don't feel as though I deserve someone nice, and that's something I've been trying to break through recently. I've been on a journey with my emotions and spirituality and I've been trying to figure out who I am and why I do the things that I do and why I feel the things I do. I have come to the realization that I thrive off of having the upper hand in relationships. I only mean that when I do have some sort of interest in someone and only when we're "talking" or "hooking up." I need to feel like I have the upper hand. We talk when I want to talk. We stop when I want to stop. But every once in a while someone manages to get the best of me, someone manages to have the upper hand and I kind of become infatuated with them, at least I always thought that's what it was but the more I think about it the more I see that it's the fear of not having control and not knowing what they're going to do when I actually open up to them that keeps me trying to go after them for so long. I guess it's insecurity as well. Am I not skinny, pretty, interesting enough? Did I straight up bro zone myself? I've also realized that the idea of letting anyone in right now is so terrifying to me. I've felt so guarded against so many people. I don't want to let anyone in. Just a simple conversation, I can cut so short because I feel as though someone is trying to get through my walls and I can't have that. It doesn't turn out well often. I know I'm young. I know there's plenty of time for romance and love and all that stupid shit but I can't get over the huge fear I have of letting it happen, of letting someone in. I mean, everyone was "forever alone" in 2011. That was just the cool thing to call yourself but I never once doubted it. I really feel as though my guard is so strong that no one is going to break through it. To be clear, this isn't a "fuck all guys" post. This is a I have seen a lot of shitty relationships, I have been hurt, I have hurt others. I just cannot see how two people can be so compatible that they want to be together forever. It just logically doesn't make sense to me, but I secretly crave it. Then guilt sets in and I worry about people I may have hurt. And then more fear sets in, and I wonder if the right guy will come by and I'll turn him down or run, stop talking to him because I am scare if the what ifs. Which leads me back to the asshole I'd rather date. I feel as though I've believed so much and have ended up looking like a fool. I'd rather just know what I'm getting into instead of figuring it out later.

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

I love the idea of soul mates. 

I don't mean it in the sense of we fall in love instantly, make beautiful, passionate, movie love and we're together for the rest of our lives. I mean it in a simple and platonic way.

"With genuine platonic love, the beautiful or lovely other person inspires the mind and the soul."

I also consider the possibility that I can have more then one soul mate. I feel like that goes against the entire idea. I guess, when I say "soul mate" I mean someone I was meant to meet for a reason. Someone that inspires all the good in me.

I can't deny, she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I show her off to everyone I talk too. She's my best friend, my rock, and my reality check when I need it.

This is short, sappy and lame, but I love her to pieces. She is and will always be with me.

And I guess that's how it was meant to be. 

[iamtheocean-sea-blog]

Tales of an emotionally unavailable girl

Claiming that I’m an emotionally unavailable bitch comes naturally to me now. It’s who I am, or at least who I claim I am. There is absolutely nothing more terrifying to me then liking somebody.

Actually, there is. Admitting to that person that I like them. Once it’s said, it’s said. There’s no going back.

Relationships have always scared me. Growing up, I never saw one that I would love to recreate. I never dated in middle school or high school. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 20.

I guess it starts with the original fuck boy. The one I claimed I was in love with, when in actuality he just listened a little more than others and called me pretty. I mean, fucking call me Tom from 500 Days of Summer, this fuck boy told me from the start how he felt, but I just hoped he would change his mind. He never did. I just taught myself that boys would always make you cry and they’d always like your friends just a little bit more then you.

That was about two years wasted. I didn’t learn anything, well I didn’t learn anything that would benefit me.

Then I actually dated a fuck boy. Someone who originally didn’t want to date me because of his religion, but didn’t have any problem sleeping with me despite it. Talk about red fucking flags. I didn’t listen, and once again, claimed I was in love with him, when in actuality, I was attached in such an unhealthy way. I opened up to him, and never wanted to do that again, so I felt stuck. I didn’t love him. Not one bit.

I can’t deny, I’m a bomb ass girlfriend. I treated him so well, even though he continued to treat me like shit, belittle me, made me feel bad for not praying to his God, and just feel stupid on the daily. Eventually I gave up. I slept with someone else, then broke up with him. Became sort of, kinda, not really exclusive with the guy I slept with, realized yet again, that I’m wasting my time, and just like all those times before, felt like an idiot.

See, my problem is, I fall hard and fast. I’m that annoying, sarcastic girl who will let you know that I like you by telling you how much I hate you or playfully hitting you. I get lame and goofy, and self-critical.  

It’s terrifying to get to that point though. Now if someone seems remotely interested in me, I tell them “I’m emotionally unavailable. I do not want a relationship.” Which is usually followed by, “You just haven’t met the right guy yet.” Then we more than likely end up sleeping together, and I just pray that they leave as soon as we’re done. I do not like attachments to people. It’s scary, and unfortunately, if I lower my walls, I will end up sad, and alone, and pretending that they’ll change their mind about us.