icedcoffeeandcreatine

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

i beg you to love me, say that i'm enough, but you tell me— why are you like this? i think there's something wrong with you.

for @shestrying

thanks to @acelania for finding the unknowns!

in image / desperation sits heavy on my tongue, tumblr user tullipsink / mary oliver, ‘north country’ / virginia woolf, letter to violet dickinson / in image / blythe baird, from if my body could speak / Alice in Bed: A Play' by Susan Sontag (link in comment) / lynee rae perkins, criss cross / elena ferrante, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay' (trans. Ann Goldstein) / rainer maria rilke, from rilke’s book of hours / in image/ in image

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

With guilt I have longed for you, for I know the hurt it took to separate us (I still miss you against the wishes of my heart)

the moon was so pretty today

it reminded me of you

i clicked a picture

wished to send you

but i stopped

i cannot risk a 'hi' for another 'goodbye'

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

This post halted me in my tracks, op

just saw a comment about colin and penelope's first kiss which said the first time that a kiss has awakened the prince instead of sleeping beauty and i'm openly weeping because yes.

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

My two favorite shoes colliding is something I never thought I’d see on a random Wednesday morning

#Nicola Understood The Assignment

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

Nostalgia has its hand to my neck and for some reason I seem to relish the sensation

“I cling to everything - CDs that skip, rings that turn my fingers green, the dead ends of my hair, old love notes that turn my stomach over and over. And I’m not proud but there are still boxes under my bed. And I’m not proud but my closet is still running out of space. And nostalgia is a fucking waste of time but my heart is full with it. Tell me I won’t hold this forever. Tell me there will be a day where I let gloriously go.”

— Fortesa Latifi - Hold This (via madgirlf)

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

You turn 18 and life doesn’t have rules anymore. Home isn’t home it’s just another building you fill your time with. Sleep is either an escape or a prison. I’m lawless now and I’ve never wanted to be controlled any more.

How I long to be 6 again and the worst thing is being forced to go to bed at a decent hour. I wish I could tell my younger self, with every hour you see on the clock you meet a new version of yourself. It isn’t as pretty and gracious at you hope, rather it’s full of fear and self doubt. No matter where I run I will always remember my past.

My memories will haunt me like a lovelorn ghost and I can try and try but I cannot forgot the dreams I had at 9. Her dreams will stalk me and pierce my mind nightly when I finally begin to have rest.

I will be plagued with the knowledge that at 11 I dreamed all these dreams and I have come to fulfill none of them. That I am a complete failure to my childhood self and she is none the wiser to the future she must suffer through or the person she will inevitably become. I must watch as she is put through the same mistakes I made while I am silenced from making a change. I cannot escape her, she follows me with her naïve dreams of simplicity while I am chained to the curse of reality.

I am forced to know every detail of my friends when all I used to care about was if they were free on Friday mornings. Now I know every sin, every wrong they have made and worse more is that they analyze every flaw I ever dreamt of having.

I am buried with the wishes of my 15 year old self who only ever dreamed for someone to love her. She begged the skies and prayed every second of every day for someone to see her, to know her, to want her. But she was only met with horrid people who wished her harm and were the catalysts that brought upon her ruin.

But I must sit back and watch this happen, I am no longer in control. I cannot interfere with this cruel world’s rules. It plays a far greater game than I and I haven’t a guidebook to this mess.

I know one day I will look back on my days of 17 with a grief filled fondness and wish I could have been wiser, stronger, more bold and less cautious.

But for right now I am horrifically 18. With a wry laugh I whisper to myself “I’m an adult” I wished my life away. I no longer can afford to dream like little girls dream, of fairies and mythical creatures who may save me from this wretched world. But I must dream of bigger things. Careers and colleges and lifelong goals. Oh how I wish I could go back to those days. Do it over. Do it right. Just please, do it all again. But alas, my alarm is going off and it’s time to get ready for work.

*I put down my phone and start mindlessly preparing for another day in adult world, slipping soundlessly into insanity as I wait for someone to save me*

“The torture of aging” (sentences highlighted in red for emphasis)

May 15, 2024, 1:43 am

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

Ummmmmm that’s genius

Took me until about halfway through college before I realized “study” means “play with the material in a variety of ways until you understand it” and not just “read the assigned chapters and do the homework” and I think that probably should have been discussed at some point prior to that.

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

Maybe I can fall in love with myself yet

one thing i need to start living by is “become the thing that you want” if i want friends who throw themed parties maybe i should start throwing those parties. if i want someone who writes me love letters maybe i should start writing letters for the people i love. if i want to hang out at museums and pretty cafes maybe i should invite my friends to these places. and maybe even then i won’t find the kind of people i want to be around. but then i would have become the exact person i want to be around. and maybe that’s good enough.

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

*at the gym with my 10 lb lat raises*

“I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO BEST ANY MAN IN HAND TO HAND COMBAT”

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

“ISO someone to love me”

*someone shows me any minor interest*

“Ew, that’s actually disgusting why would you even do that”

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

“Oh me? I’m fine!”

*vomits and starts rocking back and forth in a ball*

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

“All righty boys, time to get some shut eye” I say as I take out my eyeballs and put them in my collectors jar with my others

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

“I can’t do this” I whisper to myself as I finish crying, pick myself up and do it anyway

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

Oh look at that, I’m full of the rage again

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

“Time for me to hyperfixate on school!!!”

Narrator who sounds oddly like Morgan Freeman: “But she did not hyperfixate on school, instead she rewatched her comfort show and failed all her assignments”

[icedcoffeeandcreatine]

Indeed