idlecommotiony - Tumblr blog

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My god, is this it?

It doesn’t get better now does it?

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Being paranoid of your paranoia is such a crazy feeling honestly

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I know nobody will see this -only honestly that’s okay, apart of me is telling myself this.

I’m so lost. The world is fucking spinning out of my control and I can’t hold onto anything suddenly.

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Why do I fucking trust my family to tell them I’m on my period?

Suddenly, I’m over-emotional and being dramatic and need to “get control over my hormones”!

When someone tells me I’m overreacting when I’m over a level seven on the pain, guess what? I’m going to be angry. I’m going to quite frankly be a “bitch” -because not every emotion a woman may have is because of hormones! Not every emotion we have is because of our bodies but maybe because of being so fucking tired of always being called “that ugly bitch” and “that super annoying girl” and that “attention seeking “whore”. Maybe we’re just exhausted and experiencing something called human emotion.

-‘cause you know: we’re human.-

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I want to go home.

There’s voices telling me to end this all, and though I know it’s my internal monologue, it’s still sucks.

I wish I didn’t think that a conversation was about me when it clearly wasn’t.

God, I’m so paranoid!

I need to lay down and actually sleep. I need to go home. I need my cats and my dogs. I’m so lonely.

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So, we had a little sign in the hallway with pride flags on it just as like a little decoration and some guy just ripped them off and throw them on the ground throughout the hallway, and just walked away. 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

Sir, it’s going to be okay. Chill the fuck out. We all got the message. You hate the gays now CHILL.

God damn 😤

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I don’t need help ➡️ 🏥🏥🏥🏥

I need help➡️🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

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Love this.

To some people you’re an NPC

To other people, you’re the special, unlockable character that they worked and worked to finally get- and when they do they’re so happy because they got the game just so they could find you.

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You know those times when you’re sitting in your room wasting away alone. Yeah, same.

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We cannot change what has happened to us.

We cannot change what they say about us.

But regardless I am valid and I am sure of my identity.

Today, I had to look my younger selves in the face, the girls who went through different things, and tell them that I couldn’t carry them with me.

I have changed from who I was then, and learned from who I was and in that way they are still apart of me. But alas I cannot take them with me. I need to find who I am now and that requires me to leave them unfortunately.

I will visit them. I will remember that I was them, but I can’t take them with me.

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I’m coming up on my one year mental hospital anniversary/attempt anniversary, and I thought I would feel accomplished and feel great that I’m not in the hospital, but I feel horrible actually. It’s been eleven months since I was put in inpatient and yet I feel like $hit. It’s like this horrible cycle and I don’t want to go back in inpatient but I feel like I’m going back in there regardless even though that’s unlikely to happen. I’m so scared. Anyone relate? Advice? Commentary?

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This is going to be a hot take. People will be mad. But just bare with me for half a minute.

As a person with a chronic tic disorder, I always daily have to deal with ignorant people, who think they know better than me and my doctors. I’ve realized a pattern recently in my college classes about the demographics of these people; they are all people of privilege. It starts with one white boy in the back of the room whispering why my condition is fake, why I am fake, and why every move I make is basically “wrong” and not real. Its annoying but then the white women around him start believing him almost immediately and go with it.

The thing is in my five years of having F95.5 tic disorder and going out in public, a POC has never once said something regarding the lines of how I’m faking my disability. NEVER. And that’s why I found even as a white person I’m subconsciously drawn to them because I feel safer around them because we’ve both faced discrimination and know how it feels to be treated differently because of something beyond our control.

Now here’s where some of y’all are going to be mad but this is my experience and I am valid for that. First of all, I am apart of the LGBTQ community (I am a lesbian who is not out) and respect everyone who is part of that community. But I do hate the modernized portion of it involving how people view what is valid or not. I have had many people apart of the LGBTQ community (them assuming I am straight as well because I am never gay enough for them) bully and criticize my disability because they feel superior because they have received hate from their gender/s$xual orientation so they put that hatred out on someone who is also vulnerable. I am not saying this is all of the community but a portion has recently begun a surge of superiority for there orientation and has begun deciding that no one else can have it “worse than them” (an oppression race basically).

I know one girl in my class who is gay who stares evil eyes at me because I must be faking and suddenly one day she started telling people in class how quirky she is with all her problems and trauma and then continues whispering to her friend why I am faking this disorder that I haven’t even told her of, but since I haven’t mentioned it by name, it’s not real I guess.

It’s an ongoing cycle and I’m sorry for anyone who had to read this long but I’m so F-ing frustrated at these people who feel that they are educated and know everything and everyone’s issues when they know absolutely nothing of what every person goes through every day. The difference is for them it’s a competition -for me, it’s a thing in my life that I would stop in a heartbeat if I could to avoid the devastation it has brought me. I don’t want the attention, I don’t want the pain, I don’t want the people laughing in back of the room or the snapchat cameras I see briefly pointed at me and sent to god knows who

-and yet I will never be good enough for those people.

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Hi ticcers, I need your help and advice. So, super long story short I was bullied to the point of wanting to not be there anymore last year for my tic disorder and ended up in a psych hospital. The rest of my senior year I spent in and out of hospitals and medical appointments and suffered through the whole thing. I got to college ready for a new start and everything and be open about my disorder yet the same people from highschool restarted the same rumors. I have post traumatic stress from this last year and this is really giving me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do. I never did anything wrong but be me and yet here my disability is leading the way and publicly embarrassing me. I am not ashamed but it’s hard to keep this confidence when there is nobody even trying to help me stay afloat.

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Anddddd once again I’m sitting the bathroom crying because of something someone said about my tics. They’ve been dormant for a few months as they do for a while but every once in a while when I get stressed they show up during this period. I work at a summer camp and so I’m pretty close to the staff and many have disabilities themselves so you think they might understand. But one of my closest friends and coworkers just whispered to another coworker how she doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m faking, which btw I have NEVER brought them up. These comments upset me so much because I was literally bullied out of highschool for this to the point I had to leave and it’s always triggering when someone says this because it takes me back to being in my highschool classes and getting laughed at and picked on and called awful names. The fact that I thought she was my friend all this time is even more upsetting. It’s been five years now since the tics started and three years since my diagnosis of a tic disorder and I’m still not very open about it because every time I have been open about it I get dragged down because I must be faking or being an attention seeker so most of my coworkers do not know about them. I wish I could stop. I wish so so much. But even in a time when they’re dormant they still find a way to ruin my life. I need support and this isn’t it. Any advice?

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I need to get out of this family. My toxic father is the car with me right now, and I’m having to not say anything when he calls me a bitch and a liar and delusional. I can’t get out of this situation until I go to college in two and a half months. I’m so scared I won’t make it…..

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Another hallucination moment:

I was at my friends school and his mom, who is a teacher there, needed something from her classroom so I offered to get it. The school was already closed for the day so it was almost completely dark, the lights off and everything. I was walking up to a forked hallway when I suddenly saw a dark, inhumane, completely black figure dart across the hallway. I stopped for a moment trying to gather myself and then got up some courage to look down the hallway where it ran -except as soon as I turned the corner I saw that it wasn’t in fact a hallway but a dead end. And there was no one there.

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Hallucinations and delusions can be so embarrassing. Like I literally was convinced my sister, who I’ve always had a great relationship with, was out to get me and was secretly conspiring with her therapist to ruin my life. I literally saw words on her phone that were never there in her notes app that said how crazy she thought I was so I confronted her and then she showed me that there was nothing that said what I thought it said -my name wasn’t even in there…