idyllicchaos

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc

Chapter 6 - Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here (on AO3)

warnings: panic attack, implied emotional and mental abuse of oc (past), dark themes, PTSD, but we finally have some fluff and comfort :)

Joel wondered at what point he was overstaying his welcome. Was it the first day he brought Kiera into the infirmary? Was it when she woke up the first time? The second time? Or was it when he brought her some clothes and still decided to stay? He told himself he would leave when she asked him to, but she never did. Then, he told himself he needed to leave with or without her say so. However, every time he conjured up an excuse for why he couldn’t stay any longer, he took one look at her and kept his mouth shut. When he caught her staring, her brown eyes softened and her whole body seemed to relax, like somehow, he made her feel safe. Something inside him pulled taunt at the sight. The cynical side of him, the logical one, told him she’d just be more baggage. Joel had Ellie and Tommy. He told himself that was all he’d ever need. However, the side of him reborn after Ellie, screamed at him to not fail Kiera too. He refused to be like every other man she’d come across. Refused to fail her where every other had. Joel reasoned he owed her for saving his life during the raid, but that was a lie. The minute he agreed to a wellness check at Maria and Tommy’s request, Joel knew he was in too deep. He cared whether the woman he met by chance one night at a bonfire was all right. As much as Joel hated to admit it to himself at the time.

notes: Oh boy, this one was fun! I highly recommend reading the end notes on AO3 after this one... Loved how it turned out and I can't to hear what you all think! Sorry for that cliffhanger...

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc

Chapter 5 - From My Rotting Body (on AO3)

warnings: canon typical violence, implied SA (no explicitly written scene), self harm, attempted suicide mentioned, PTSD, trauma/angst, dark themes, COMFORT TOO, fluff

Then, her hands were yanked away from her. Large, warm hands sternly grasped her wrists and trapped them against the bed. Her eyes snapped up to see warm brown eyes staring back at her. Joel. He hovered over her, encasing her in his shadow. One of his knees dug into the bed next to her hip as he held down her hands. He was barely putting any weight on them, just enough to keep her from clawing her neck to ribbons. His eyebrows were furrowed in worry, jaw ticking from clenching it. Then, she remembered something else. Something not tinged with agony and demented torture. She remembered him. Her mind snagged on one detail. Through the foggy haze of her memory, she remembered what it felt like to be held by Joel. What his heartbeat felt like underneath the palm of her hand. When he came for her, she knew she didn’t have to worry anymore because Joel would take care of her. There was no doubt in her mind. He had her back and at least trusted her enough to have his. Joel came for her when she disappeared because he noticed she was gone. And for the first time in years, her body listened to the logic her mind was screaming. And she slumped under his touch, tears streaming down her neck. “Joel,” she sobbed, “It was supposed to be me. Don’t make me leave her there.”

notes: This has to be, without a doubt, my favorite chapter I've written for this story so far. I fear I might've peaked, unfortunately *shrugs*. Oh, well. Chapter linked above! I hope you guys enjoy it, and I can't wait to hear what you think. Would love to hear all your thoughts <3

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc

Chapter 4 - Forgive Me (on AO3)

warnings: canon typical violence, vague mentions of SA, suicide attempt (thwarted), lots of angst with some fluff finally, use of the nickname 'baby' by jackson!joel

She was still breathing heavily; the faint metallic tinge of blood coating her nostrils and mouth only prolonged the bloodlust. The barbarity. Except this time, she wasn't alone in her darkness. Joel was next to her, eyes just as blacked out and sharp. Just as feral. The body beneath his feet was mangled. The raider had a broken arm, maybe a broken neck too. His face looked unrecognizable. It was the first time she'd seen Joel like this. Jane knew what was inside him all along, but seeing it was different. A sob got caught in the back of her throat because she wasn't alone. He was here beside her. Joel didn't hesitate when fury was necessary. He descended into the dark, not caring if he remembered the way out. They were one in the same. Standing together, covered in blood, more than a dozen deaths on their conscience. This was what being seen felt like. Utter overwhelming relief. Joel hadn't just seen her. He'd recognized her. Seen her value. But most importantly, he had trusted her to have his back. And that was the thing, trust was the only thing worth a damn to her anymore. It was a sacred offering, more valuable than the air in her lungs. 

notes: Love this chapter, but damn was it a pain in the ass to write! So, I really hope you guys like it. Happy reading and come chat with me over on AO3 or here. Chapter is linked above <3

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc

Chapter 3 - Armistice (on AO3)

content: jackson!joel, protector!joel, soft!joel, slow burn, angst, hurt & comfort, fluff, PTSD, panic attack, trauma, age gap, shitty therapy methods that somehow work?? (thanks Gail), bonding with jackson!ellie and jackson!tommy

enticing blurb: “It never stops,” she whispered out a half-baked confession, one that held too much history. Too much pain. However, it fell from her lips, too big to carry any longer. She never stopped surviving no matter how much she wished she could.

“I know,” Joel answered, solemnly. Because, of course, he knew. They were one in the same. Cut from the same cloth. Cursed to forever keep moving. To keep surviving.

He understood.

notes: third chapter is uploaded and linked above! It definitely is my favorite chapter so far. And for goodness sakes, I've got to make a masterlist. It's on the to-do list...

[idyllicchaos]

do fic readers know that their comments actually influence the course of the story sometimes? i don't mean in a "you need to write it this way because i say so 😡" type of comment, i mean when people are asking questions or really engaging with the plot and the themes in the comments they sometimes bring up things that i didn't even think of, or dig into parts of the story that i've overlooked, or get really interested/fixated on something i was going to just kind of glance over--and it has me going 'oh wait that's actually really interesting, that's a good point' and fully adding or tweaking or changing things about the story going forward. i'm literally adding an entire additional chapter to something right now because someone's comment had me like "oh i didn't dig into that as much as i could have." you have impact!

[idyllicchaos]

tlou.

this is the last time i'll say anything about this, hopefully, and the ppl who should read this won't, but we always end up in this conversation again and again and again. i'll put it simply for you:

to ignore the inspirations behind the last of us, to say that the people talking about it are just bitching, just complaining, saying their takes are dogshit, that their consumption of that show isn't normal is ERASURE. no one is saying you can't watch the show, no one is saying you can't enjoy it, because it's okay to critically think about media, it doesn't make you a hater.

people's lack of ability (i won't name who because we already know what i'm talking about) to differentiate critical thinking and being hateful is concerning. they genuinely believe that if you like something, you have to defend everything about it tooth and nail, and if you don't, if you even slightly agree that something about it is wrong or not well portrayed, that you're no longer a fan. open up your world view, because to view the world in such a shallow manner is harmful to not just you but the people you engage with.

i've run this word to the ground but i implore you guys to read about intersectionality, to learn how the things in the real world connect to the things in media, how perceptions of media affect our thinking, how the problems of the world come to intersect and grow from each other, and the hills that we choose to die on just to allow ourselves a few reblogs and shitposts about a show. learn nuance.

the idea of people of color advocating for themselves to be taken as a threat, being spun into some sort of attack by white people is a historical pattern, and it doesn't make it not real just because it's fandom. imploring you to learn, understand, broaden your worldview and be more accepting, more educated on the things that you consume isn't a threat, an insult, it's a suggestion that'll better more than just your tumblr experience.

also, if the creator of something says word for word that he is inspired by real life events, and you get on tumblr and say that it's simply not true, and that people are being cynical and negative and just trying to ruin the viewing experience for others. not only are your comprehension skills an issue, but your willful ignorance, your purposeful dismissal of what is important, what is being talked about for the sake of your enjoyment is genuinely something to worry about.

get it the fuck together.

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc

Chapter Two - Aim to Kill (on AO3)

content: jackson!joel, protector!joel, soft!joel, slow burn, angst, hurt & comfort, fluff, mature themes (as expected, this is TLOU after all), PTSD, trauma, age gap, more tags on AO3

chapter summary: she worked so hard to hide from the light, but what happens when too many people start to see the cracks in her carefully crafted mask?

notes: the second chapter of my new joel miller/female oc has been uploaded to AO3 and will be linked above! Please read the tags. Always protect your peace. Can't wait to hear what you all think. Happy reading <3

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc

Chapter One - Kindness Too Sweet (on AO3)

content: jackson!joel, protector!joel, slow burn, angst, hurt & comfort, fluff, mature themes (as expected, this is TLOU after all), PTSD, trauma, age gap, more tags on AO3

summary: Death was a kindness too sweet to even dream about. Jackson Hole, Wyoming was an oasis in a world split between infected, raiders, and slavers. Her life was split into before and after. Not before and after the outbreak. But before and after her name was taken.

Before and after darkness became a refuge instead of a nightmare. Nothing could change the past. Nothing could change who she had become. Who she had to hide from the light.

There seemed to be one person she didn’t have to hide from: Joel Miller.

notes: the first chapter of my new joel miller/female oc has been uploaded to AO3 and will be linked above! Please read the tags. Always protect your peace. Can't wait to hear what you all think. Happy reading <3

[idyllicchaos]

Where She Had No Name

joel miller x female!oc - {Coming Soon to AO3}

content: slow burn, jackson!joel, angst, hurt & comfort, fluff, mature themes (as expected, this is TLOU after all), PTSD, trauma, more tags will be added later as I develop the individual chapters more

a/n: this story has been whirling around my brain for far too long and I'm so excited to finally be able to post a little teaser of the first chapter! It will most likely be a short story 3-5 chapters tops and it will be posted on AO3. I love this OC with all my heart and I hope you all do to. Anyways, hope you all enjoy the little blurb below. All the love <3

[...]

Jackson was home, in the sense it was her basecamp. It was the place she always came back to, but that warmth from the embers of the hearth had never been lit again. Home wasn’t warm. Wasn’t cozy or safe. It was a temporary relief. So, no, she never allowed herself to be a part of the social life in Jackson, because reliving her own nightmares in the dead silence of her house was better than the creeping disgust that crawled underneath her skin every time happiness so much as graced her presence.

It felt too good. Too bright. And all she did was taint it. So, she stayed away.

“You need somethin’, ma’am?” Joel eventually broke the silence, turning toward her. She was yanked back to the forefront of her mind. Back to the present, momentarily halted in her spiral.

Joel’s politeness was somewhat a shock, but then again, not really. His words may have been polite, but there were undertones of tension. Maybe, irritation or frustration? Hard to tell when the only thing he ever wore was a scowl.

She shook her head, pushing down and boxing the darkness swirling inside her long enough to reply normally, “Ma’am? Guess I missed the part where I went from miss to ma’am.”

She wasn’t exactly sure how old she was anymore after years of surviving in the dark. She could have been in her mid- or late twenties. Or she could have been thirty by now. All she knew was, her depthless eyes showed decades of time she still hadn’t physically lived yet.

And there were times when she wasn’t sure she wanted her body to catch up.

She curled her arms around herself, before finally answering his question, “No. Didn’t feel like talking and I figured you’d— People don’t come up to you, so I think I’m safe here.”

The way Joel watched her wasn’t like the way his brother or Maria did. There was no pity in his eyes. No judgement either. He was just looking, assessing. Exactly how she did with him. Just two people trying to figure the other out.

They must have made an odd sight. Two people staring each other down, avoiding the festivities. More comfortable in the dark than the light.

“My brother put you up to this?” Joel suddenly asked. It wasn’t accusatory exactly, but it wasn’t necessarily kind either.

Her practiced politeness stumbled and ran head on into the ground. She was out of her element here. Not a single one of her studied and practiced responses fit his question. She was flying blind. Her knuckles burned from how hard she was wringing her hands, but somehow a response came out of her mouth, “Why would he do that?”

Joel paused a moment, but he recovered quickly with a scoff, “Ain’t exactly an answer.”

“Neither is that,” she fired back before she could assess the best thing to say.

Joel turned back towards the bonfire, but the corner of his lip turned up slightly, “Fair enough.”

She felt the need to clarify, “I wasn’t lying.”

He nodded, glancing at her, “Then, reckon I should keep my mouth shut.”

She almost sighed out in relief. No questions. No prying. Just silence. Companionship to keep away all the others.

It was an odd thing when she found herself taking a step towards him instead of away.

[idyllicchaos]

Knee deep in a new TLOU/Joel Miller one shot that quickly turned into "not a one shot" because I'm seemingly incapable of writing just one chapter... Anywho! I'll maybe post a little teaser blurb soon :)

[idyllicchaos]

Personally attacked... Because seriously, WHEN???

I love when you’re reading multiple fics by the same author and you start to spot all the phrases and adjectives they like to use

[idyllicchaos]

A Thousand Times Before is finally complete! The last chapter has just been posted on AO3 and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

All the love to everyone who has shown so much love and support for this story! Thank you, thank you, thank you <3

[idyllicchaos]

No truer words! Anytime I get a reply from an author after I comment on their story, I get an added dopamine rush after they already hammered me in the head with their amazing stories.

Dear fanfic authors,

I love you. Never stop being you. Your work is valuable and so so so appreciated. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Sincerely, with the utmost love and respect,

A dedicated reader <3

You know what's cool to me?

Like, before I made a Tumblr, I would read (and reread) certain fanfics. To me the authors are celebrities. Full blown famous people. Now Im mutuals with a couple of them on here and it makes me so fucking happy. Because these folks who put so much time, energy and effort into these stories are some of my favorite people on the planet even if we don't actually know each other. I mean seriously, they're not just taking fictional characters and making stories. They are literally giving someone (me) who struggles to even want to be here some days, a distraction from the world and feelings of absolute happiness.

[idyllicchaos]

Hello lovelies! Quick update. The last chapter of A Thousand Times Before will be uploaded tomorrow instead of today. I want to make sure I get the chapter right so it's a satisfying ending for everyone! See you tomorrow with the final chapter and a new story aesthetic/collage :)

All the love <3

[idyllicchaos]

Lethal face card. Who wouldn't bow to the rightful Queen?

Rhaenyra Targaryen's red dress in House of the Dragon Season 2

[idyllicchaos]

Will never get over this! Could not have summarized it better. Still kills me thinking about them, and it's been YEARS... sue me.

“So you still believe there are good people. What changed your mind?” “Oh”

Biggest show of care! Daryl believed in Beth so much that he was willing to believe there were still good people out there, because she was right in front of him, showing him that kindness is a form of strength.

I love their little moment at the funeral home. Daryl seemed so unguarded and content, even when he asked her to sing him to sleep. It shows how he accepted her for who she was, not trying to change her or make her tougher to survive. He accepted her form of strength. And then, wanting to settle down and live in a house with just her? it gets me every time. She was a good person in a world full of bad, and he was starting to come around to that, instead of staying defeated. She gave him the strength to look forward to a future.

[idyllicchaos]

Literally. They're the fuel I need to get through the most skull numbing writers block. Plus, I'm always down to yap. The day I stop replying to comments... just assume I'm dead :)

Not sure about anyone else but I re-read all my favourite AO3 comments when I’ve had a rough day so if you’ve ever taken the time to write a deep, funny, or just kind comment, thank-you.