ificouldexistwithoutyou

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

unflinching

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

DIY Patchwork (+Upcycled) Denim

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sew-much-to-do: a visual collection of sewing tutorials/patterns, knitting, diy, crafts, recipes, etc.

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

DIY Soup Bowl Cozy

Easy sewing project for the kitchen that you can do in under an hour to make a DIY fabric bowl cozy from quilting cotton fabric.

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sew-much-to-do: a visual collection of sewing tutorials/patterns, knitting, diy, crafts, recipes, etc.

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

There's this never ending pressure to suffer more so people will care about me.

Why is it so different to be cared about when your hurt than when ur okay?

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

The first Lost Boy

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

Still a bad person.

I'm so fucking sick of this.

I wanna rot into the earth and feel the wind brush my bones.

I want to be beautiful in death as I'll never be in life.

I wanna provide the dirt and plants a place to grow like I've never provided anything else.

Did you know butterflies feast on decaying flesh?

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

HEY IM SICK OF THIS

IM A BAD PERSON AND I WANT TO DRAG MY INSIDES OUT

I dont want to do this anymore.

I used to care

Why dont I fucking care

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

to touch palm

to unloveable palm

& mouth

to unworthy mouth

only to purge me of my sins--

what kind of worship is this?

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

My inner voice is incredibly mean and critical. What is yours like?

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

I really appreciate when people with good parents find some of the child abuse content, and are openly horrified and stunned that people would do such things to children. It’s really putting our experiences in perspective because we forget that there’s children out there not going thru hell, we’re told there’s only worse out there, but in eyes of the non-abused, we are the worse, we are the worst case scenario.

When someone else is so openly horrified at what happened to us, it’s easier for us to know that we have the right to be horrified too. When horror is such natural response to our situation, it’s a strong clue that our parents lied about it being normal, lied about it not being “that bad”, lied that everywhere else is worse. It also tells us that parents don’t have to be like this, they don’t have to abuse, they do have a choice to be loving, to be kind - after all, other parents did it just fine, so they have no excuse. Abuse is something they chose to do. They could have chosen differently.

Thank you to those who express horror over child abuse and remind us that this all, is not normal, is not necessary, is not acceptable, regardless of how common it is. We need those good parents to make our abusive ones look like what they really are - vicious monsters. Otherwise they easily convince us there’s “worse out there” and to be lucky we’re still alive.

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

Somebody hurts your kid

Somebody puts his hands on your kid

Now your kid has to live with that

Forever

They dont ever forget how it feels

And maybe he does

maybe you do too

Until their crying at the family birthday party because

"I saw his parents! Dad please can we go home? I just wanna leave, please please take us home!"

And then you remember.

Oh yeah

This guy put his hands on my kid

But you don't really know how to react

Not in a good way at least.

You say

"In a minute. Stop crying"

And you say this because you're so desensitized

To all the damage and hurt a mans hands do

You forget because your sisters are fine

And someone put his hands on them

But they don't cry at birthday parties

Because they've been told

"In a minute. Stop crying."

So many times that they stop asking to leave.

Someone hurts your kid.

Someone puts his hands on your kid.

You let him walk around them and your youngest son.

You leave him alone around your kids

Because you kid hasn't started crying at birthday parties yet.

So it's fine.

You get to forget.

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Your kid is older now

They stop crying at birthday parties

They refuse to go

They want to tear him apart but they dont say it

You dont know that

How could you?

They dont talk about it

Not with you

They dont talk about anything with you

And one day

You get so fed up

This is your kid.

They wont even tell you what's wrong

["In a minute. Stop crying."]

You corner them

Your so much bigger

They're scared of you

You think it's respect

[I'm so sorry you think fear is respect]

You say

"Why didn't you tell me?"

["In a minute. Stop crying"]

They dont remember what they said.

You probably don't either.

You get to forget after all

But you say things they twist into screws

And plug into their heart

Because they're your kid

"What do you want me to do? Beat him up? He's family. He's a kid"

What were they then?

Not A kid remeber?

Your kid.

They lock themselves in the bathroom and cry

Cry

Cry

Somebody hurts your kid

Somebody puts his hands on your kid

But your kid is wrong

For wanting him to hurt back

They dont ever forget that

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You haven't seen your kid in three months

You text

But the replies get shorter

You call

They don't pick up

Then they text you

"Mom said you're taking us to buy groceries. That's the only reason I'm going with you okay?"

[And it comes off cruel

They relize now

But they don't mean too]

Sure you reply

And you pick up your kid and son

and take them to dinner

You kid is a brat the entire time

Honestly

They say they dont want to talk and they ignore you

It's upsetting

You get angry

So did they.

Never one to back down from you

You yell

They yell

Its obvious this is getting nowhere

Why are you still doing this?

[You or them? Who knows]

You twist your words in circles

Any argument is pointless when you dont truly care

"You're such a child"

"You should be mature"

"I'm the adult"

"You're not listening"

They get fed up

So do you

[Common pattern isn't it?]

You speed the car up

Raise your voice

"You're going with me and you can call the cops if you want I don't care."

They start to breathe funny

They call their mom

Their having a panic attack

Your kid gets put of your car in a Walmart parking lot

And runs to their moms red jeep

Saftey they think

Their brother follows them

Their mom yells at you

You leave

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Someone hurts your kid

Who's hurting your kid?

Your kid got a new phone

A new number

You have to get it from their little brother

You call

They pick up

"Hello?"

They don't recognize you

You don't know that

"I'm playing minecraft"

They say fake annoyed

"Haha how are you?"

They pause

"Who is this?"

They cant see how you react

"Your dad?"

They get nervous

[You cant see them]

"I don't have a dad."

[They cant see you]

"Oh. Is he dead or something?"

You sound annoyed

[They realise now your hurt

God they hurt you so much

How awful they were]

"Something like that."

Vauge. Not specific

"Okay. Is Gordo there?"

You cant see but this is where their heart drops

They would never had said that

If they knew it was you

On the other side

[They killed it.

They could have got you back but they killed it]

"He's at home. I'm not there."

They hang up

They cant see you

You can't see them

They text their brother to ask before giving out their phone number

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You hurt your kid

They hurt you back twice as much

Neither of you forget

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

Okay so!! I’m kinda on a mission to clear out the insides of my kitchen since I’ve hoarded so many cans and tins and jars and spices and things that I ought to use em’ so I made oat milk and some bread (I’m a vegan oops) and so uh I thought I’d give you the recipes if that’s something you fellow goblins, gnomes and fae are interested in!!!

Bread (vegan friendly)

Ingredients:

1 & 2/3 cup of luke warm water

2 & 1/4 tsp of fresh or instant yeast- I always use fresh since it’s a lot cheaper and works pretty much without fail. Plus it’s an excuse to go to my bakery (it’s called moss and sons... come on)

1 tsp salt

2 tbsp of vegan butter/margarine for the top- you could use oil but I really think butters better for this bit.

2 tbsp of vegan butter/margarine (I use flora) or if you really don’t have any just use oil

1 tsp & 1 tbsp sugar or maple syrup if that’s your thing

4 & 1/2 cups of all purpose or bread flour

Okay so you’re gonna wanna get half your water and mix it with your yeast and sugar until you’ve got it all dissolved up in there- allow it it chill for 5-15 minutes till it’s foamy & fizzy

In another bowl you’re going to want to mix your salt, flour, rest of your sugar and just pop your fat in there too- then add your yeast and water mix!

Kneed it for like 10 minutes till the whole thing sticks together & leaves the bowl alone a bit. Oil yer bowl, cover and leave for 45 minutes some place warm.

Once that’s done rising punch yer bowl of dough down till it’s all nice and compact then split your dough into 2 halves (that’s right- this makes two loaves) and shape into logs or round lumps or rocks or whatever you fancy- I popped one of mine into a loaf dish and the other just a blob heh.

You’re gonna wanna pop these fellas onto a tray (make sure you grease it first) and cover it & leave it for another 45 minutes in that warm spot. Turn your oven to 190C 10 minutes before you gotta pop em in- then bake for 25-30 minutes till golden yada yada.

Once they’re out you’re gonna wanna get em out of any pans ASAP so you can brush that melted butter on top so they stay nice and soft!

Boom. Bread. Real goblin food.

Oat Milk

Ingredients:

1 cup of rolled oats

4 cups of water

1-3 dates

A pinch of salt

So this is hella easy you just want to put your water, salt and dates into a blender until the dates are literally pulverised

Then add your oats, please make sure you don’t over do the blending or else you get this weird slimy consistency & it’s just not nice.

Strain through cloth, paper towel, tea strainers, sieves or whatever else you can get your claws on and pop it in yer fridge. Make sure to compost any remains!!!

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

You know what? It’s really like that sometimes.

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

All my music is to loud. I already can't think but it hurts my head.

I just want to go somewhere else.

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

[ificouldexistwithoutyou]

It's been raining outside today.

My windows are wide open so I can hear the water trickle off the roof tops.

My blinds are up so that I can see the shiny wet ground and press my face against the screen and breathe.

And when the rain gets heavy I put on a wet jacket and run outside to lean on my balcony and watch the ducks by my house fly away from the temporary pond the water has caused.

It feels so much cleaner in the rain.