#csa vent

[flowersbark]

did yall know repressing stuff makes it worse

[victim4life]

I disgust myself

I hate myself

[bpdmaxxer]

I’m not aggressive. I’m scared.

[saltair-and-webweaves]

memories feel like weapons

would've, could've, should've, taylor swift/ @come1nalone/the hurting, rupi kaur/unknown/@/geloyconcepion on instagram/would've, could've, should've, taylor swift/ @come1nalone/unknown/praying, kesha/ @hel7l7/would've, could've, should've, taylor swift

[terriblethingss]

and every single person i look up to, i wonder how disgusted they would be if they knew, if they knew the things that were done to me and the things i did to survive, i wonder how much they’d hate me if they knew. if they could see my rotting insides, the bugs that eat away at my eyes until everything is dark dark dark. i wonder if they’d wish i’d never been born too.

[interruptedsblog]

I feel empty, I feel a hole in my chest while sadness and anguish are invading me. I don't have enough strength to get up, move, concentrate and eat.

[unstablemotions]

Being simultaneously sex repulsed AND hypersexual in the same moment is painful. I feel gross and want to puke but also I just need to get off and I want someone to use me

[autismvampyre]

i used to think i was dead. like the real me died when i was 4 and im just the leftover scraps of that little girl who died. like i'm a corpse that's sewn itself back together. like every my whole life has been as a direct result of violence

sometimes i still feel that. i mourn the little girl i was, and i mourn the woman she could've become if she hadn't become me. i mourn the life he stole from me

[flowersbark]

having a complicated relationship with sex/sexual things after sa is so weird because like . it'll be 1 am and ill be switching through apps and ill be thirsting over a character and then ill open tumblr and i remember everything bad shes ever done to me

[takemetodragonstone]

I think the worst thing about having very vague/spotty memories because I was so young when it happened is feeling like I can’t ever fully accept that it DID happen. I will always second guess myself—even though the evidence is always with me (the body keeps the score, as they say). I will probably never tell anyone who knows him about it because what if I’m wrong?? What if I’m making up these flashes of “memory”, and seeing “signs” in my present self where there are none just because I want an easy answer that would explain the way that I am???

It would be such a horrible thing to accuse someone of if it wasn’t true. Especially family. Even just thinking it feels cruel and unfair to him sometimes. And there’s no way for me to get the truth unless he were to confess it to me himself.

I fantasize about that sometimes—I like to picture him apologizing to me at some kind of reunion, scared out of his mind that I’ll tell someone about it and ruin his life. Or even unapologetic, making jokes about it. At least then I would have confirmation. At least then I would have validation for the last twenty years of my life.

Anyway if anyone else feels like this, you’re not alone.

[bullet-ant]

"Before she even touched me, I realized what would happen. It was as if I'd known this for years, that I knew the secret to the reason I'd never approached anything remotely resembling sex: it would take me back to something I didn't want, a memory that had hovered for years, hidden, in my head."

Scott Heim, Mysterious Skin

[bpdmaxxer]

“But he was just a child”

So was I

And I’m suffering and he’s not

[factumnihil2]

i think an important part of my recovery is my textile hobbies. the hands-on work is enough to keep me grounded, but not so much that i cannot process emotions during. it's like my breadmaking, i put the emotions into the string and something beautiful emerges.

it's the closest i get to a meditative state. it's let me cope with whatever repressed abuse happened this time of year, in a healthier way than scrubbing my skin raw and losing my shit all the time. instead, the fear is only a thrum in my veins, and i have a strawberry bucket hat to show for it.

[morays-lament]

"Oh I'm fine, my sa doesn't really affect me"

Mf you can't even open your legs sometimes without feeling total and utter despair

[flames-and-feelings]

will I ever know what happened? I need to. I need to know so badly; it is tearing me apart to have no memories of ANYTHING.

Nothing explains the sidesystems we found. We can’t come up with entire organized structures and alters and roles overnight.

Nothing explains the trafficking ring we have in the main system.

Nothing explains the giant gap in memory we have from birth til age 13.

Nothing explains why we get triggered by whips or chains or neon lights.

Nothing explains how we wrote a story with oddly specific torture and characters with behavior and triggers that we found within the system too.

Nothing explains why we’re even a system!!! how could we have been programmed I don’t believe it man!!! we had a good life there was no trauma the most was probably just emotional neglect!!!!

sure there was that one memory of us in 2nd grade when we were 7 where a teacher or staff member likely SA’d us in the school staff bathroom but ?!;?;?; it explains one thing but doesn’t explain anything else

I JUST WANNA KNOW!!!! WHY IS THAT AUCH A HARD ASK

im literally living a burning movie reel, everything is present and past and future at the same time. I can only see it happen and I can never see it again. why can’t I see it again

[cantthinkstraightcuzimnot]

I'd rather rot in hell for the eternity instead of lowering my head for a god that allowed all of this