ihadtoputitsomewhere

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

I wanted to think of something that would keep you up at night. Not in a scary or creepy way I promise. More of a why am I thinking about how you smell. Why am I thinking about how you stand. Why am I thinking about how you turn book pages. Why am I thinking about how your phone number has four 7s in a row and my phone has four 7s in a row.

I was trying and trying and trying to think of something that would have you bolted at 3am. Then I realised you’d done exactly that to me. And you hadn’t even done anything.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

I don’t think about you much anymore, not at all really. But I remember exactly what your hands look like and I don’t know what that means.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

And you ?

When did you realise that the house you lived in was not well ?

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

One day you won’t be able to look back on this moment. You won’t even remember it. I hope that makes you feel better…

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

I don’t really believe in gods. I don’t believe in angels or Cupid. I don’t believe in simulation. I don’t really know how I think it works, it hurts my mind if I think about it too much. I don’t really know what I’m sure of. I do think that people are supposed to meet though. That you come across certain people on purpose. So there has to be some sort of being controlling that, and whether that is a computer or a higher spirit I know they fucked up with me and you.

Maybe they got the coding wrong, or Cupid had a bent arrow, or the gods were especially vengeful. Maybe we were an experiment. All I know is me and you were supposed to be villains. Enemies. Foes. I think we were supposed to irrevocably hate one another. Because we fight. And argue. And make ourselves sick with one another. We rip each other a part. Stamp on the pieces. And the worst part is we love each other. And we still can’t fucking stop. Maybe we were cursed. I don’t know how to explain you. I love you but I can’t stand you. You are just like clouds. A little spread across the sky can make the whole scene better. Too much and you take my stars away.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

Tried to act like I didn’t have a heart. But it’s scientific fact that love has nothing to do with the heart and belongs only to the brain. And that’s the cruelest thing. Because heart break isn’t real. It should be called brain damage. It’s cruel because you can’t turn it off. You have to live with them forever until they leave your memory. But they won’t. You have to live with all the parts they left behind. Sounds like a curse doesn’t it ?

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

I don’t really believe in gods. I don’t believe in angels or Cupid. I don’t believe in simulation. I don’t really know how I think it works, it hurts my mind if I think about it too much. I don’t really know what I’m sure of. I do think that people are supposed to meet though. That you come across certain people on purpose. So there has to be some sort of being controlling that, and whether that is a computer or a higher spirit I know they fucked up with me and you.

Maybe they got the coding wrong, or Cupid had a bent arrow, or the gods were especially vengeful. Maybe we were an experiment. All I know is me and you were supposed to be villains. Enemies. Foes. I think we were supposed to irrevocably hate one another. Because we fight. And argue. And make ourselves sick with one another. We rip each other a part. Stamp on the pieces. And the worst part is we love each other. And we still can’t fucking stop. Maybe we were cursed.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

‘We keep doing this.’ You said. ‘Again and again we keep doing the same fucking thing again and again’. You’re tired when you say it. Completely drained of life. You have no fight for us anymore. You don’t want to do this anymore. I can see it. You don’t want me anymore. And all I can think is you are right. But I’d still do it again.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

You snuck up on me. You really did. I was listening to my favourite song, a song I had loved and been listening to years before I knew you. I was playing it on the train going out of London. You came into my head and I smiled. I don’t know what the connection is or what it meant. I have no choice but to start to imagine the unlived life we had. I listen to it more than before now.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

I feel like, I can only explain it as though I’m the guest in life and other peoples. I don’t naturally fade in or suit the back ground. I’m treated with the upmost respect and love and peace. But I never get to be comfortable where I am. I never get to fit into a persons life perfectly. I’m the moon in the day. I never feel right.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

You took away all the memories we were supposed to have together. The ones we didn’t get to create. I’ll never forgive you for that.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

The best weather is rain. Everyone is rushing about, heads down and hoods up. Umbrellas covering them. No one can see me. And I can look up.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

If you could ask the universe one question, what would you ask ?

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

Humans are beautiful yet stupid, we love people and moments as if they will last forever. And I wouldn’t change it.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

Every human who has ever walked this earth has felt the same suns warmth on their face. And I don’t know why but that always makes me feel better.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

I was looking for a distraction. I didn’t care what just anything that would work. You came along when I was looking for a distraction and I’m fucking sorry. I am so fucking sorry. Because to me you were my distraction. But you should have just been you, you were a beautiful person. I hope you still are. And I have nothing to offer you to make up for what I did because there is no action or thing that can fix it. I broke your heart trying to fix my own. I think things hurt more when they’re not on purpose. We think we can see dangerous people, that they sneer at us on greeting and will throw harsh words and always be constant in their role of breaking souls. Sadly people do not come with potential cautions we just have to deal with that when it happens. We have to jump right in like taking an unknown drug, ride out the side effects, pray they are not fatal. Things hurt more when you were the perfect personalities together. When you both made each other’s faces hurt from smiling. When you stay up late because you have to keep talking about whether stone henge has alien visitors. When your playlists become each other’s and now you can’t listen to your favourite songs. They aren’t yours anymore. When you weren’t expecting it to hurt you. The distraction didn’t work. I never fixed my heart. I made yours like mine though. I knew I had when you were looking at me lifeless like I had punched you hard in the face. When you told me,

‘You can’t use things as a bandage when you need stitches. You can’t use people to make yourself feel better’

I’m fucking sorry. Im sorry I never told you that I’m sorry.

[ihadtoputitsomewhere]

‘I don’t know’ she shrugs.

‘I just like you I want to be your friend’.

She smiled at me wildly, squinty eyes and too many teeth, but it was warm.

I didn’t understand I really didn’t understand. I’m not funny like at all really, I think funny things in my head but I never say them because they’d probably offend people or no one would laugh so I just keep quiet. Private joke really has a different meaning to me.

I’m not very clever, I get by with basic grades very average not good or bad but just in the middle. That doesn’t bother me much but I’m not talented. I don’t have any special talent. I can’t play an instrument, when I cook it always burns, I’m not very good at drawing. Those are very generic talents but still I can’t do them and I can’t do anything else.

So I say - well actually it was more of a mumble because I’m embarrassed to admit it out loud;

‘But I don’t have anything to offer’.

And she looked a bit confused also a bit offended.

‘I’m not asking you for anything you idiot, why would you need to offer anything, I don’t want anything from you. I think you’re really nice’.

That stopped me in my tracks.

Nice. She thinks I’m nice. In school they told us off for using the word nice to describe things. They said it was boring which I thought was stupid so I did it anyway. Could be why my grades were average but I don’t know. There’s nothing wrong with being nice. It’s nice. I am nice. I can take that. Sometimes I think we’ve been taught to stand out and be perfect to have attributes that will make people fall in love with us. Have things to offer people. But maybe it really is okay to just simply be. To be nice.