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For as long as I can remember I have struggled with managing my chronic depression & anxiety But only today have I come to a point where I realized that my depression & anxiety have something to teach me I've always managed my feelings by using my logic and my intellect to convince myself why i shouldn't be feeling the way i do I would use my mind against my heart...to try and convince myself that i have no reason to feel what i am feeling...to gaslight myself... At the end of 2017 i made a promise to myself that i would start allowing myself to feel whatever comes up...without judgement...to show compassion towards my inner child These past few months have been hard but nothing prepared me for how heavy my heart would feel this week. I've spent most of my alone time in tears, curled up in bed, or just crippled with emotions But today i realized something my depressiom and anxiety are not a punishment....they are my superpower My depression and anxiety remind me not to buy into the illusions. Illusions that everything is okay just because my outside world tells me that it is... or that everything is okay just because my mind tells my heart i have no reason not to be okay My anxiety & depression are my super power because they force me to appreciate the beauty in EVERY moment. They force me to always look for a glimmer of hope for a silver lining in my seemingly cloudy & gloomy existence I'm not saying I'm glad I have anxiety & depression but i'm greatful for the perspective of life it pushes me to have and maintain in Every. Single. Moment.

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Money is not the root of all evil... FEAR is Not because fear is wrong or bad...but because when you refuse to be compassionate enough with yourself to address the fact that you feel fear about something your subconscious has to find a way to transform it into an emotion or feeling that you WILL allow yourself to express So when you feel triggered When you feel angry When you feel paranoid That is unaddressed fear When banks "de-risk" their businesses by dropping clients of asian or african decent under the guide of "not wanting to risk them being terrorists" simply due to their last name... when individuals feel threatened by the presence of an unarmed individual (adult or child) with the wrong skin color and then use that as justification to murder them When you find your friends or family constantly bad mouthing people of specific ethnicity who they don't even know ALL of that...is FEAR And it needs to be addressed in a healthy way, but if you ignore it then it will manifest as feelings of Disgust Hatred Prejudice malice contempt Envy FEAR is not wrong...but if it is based in incorrect information or assumptions it can be dangerous deadly even And then all it takes is a fuse (a triggerig situation) to detonate all that pent up misdirected fear . . . . . . . . #fear #prejudice #racism #banks #derisk #subconcious #

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Self love is more than just bubble baths and glasses of wine. Self love is being courageous enough to allow yourself to release the: beliefs, situations, and people from your life that you have allowed in some way to limit you. Allowed in some way yo convince you that you have no true influence over the life that you are creating. All stemming from beliefs that you have allowed to convince you that you are merely a helpless bystander or victim in the myriad situations and experiences that "play themselves out" in your life That you have subconsciously relied on as the reason you hold yourself back from showing up as your best, healthiest, happiest, most empowered self You are truly powerful when you allow yourself to show up authentically in every moment, regardless lf how rational it seems or if it matches the version of you that you believe people around you perceive you to be... or the version of you that you believe to be acceptable . . . #selflove #authenticity #limitingbeliefs #selfexpression

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I know it's super easy to get swept up in all the post valentine's energy and jump into situationships (er...i mean relationships 😉) but there's a reason they say "The devil is in the details" Just cuz someone seems like a knight in shining armor riding into your life on luxurious steed doesn't meant shit Really think about it and ask yourself: If this "knight" is looking for love Why do they have on so much armor if they plan on being vulnerable with you? Why are they still on the horse if they plan on sticking around? Don't let your feelings (or their words) finesse you If someone is open to building with you, you'll know. No questions about it It's 2018, aka the year we actually learn from past mistakes 😉 📷: unknown but very fitting . . . . . #piscesseason #finesse #love #situationships #relationships #singlelife #datingtips

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The Lipstick Game 👄 Just because it's cuffing season doesn't mean you gotta throw any smidgen of common sense out the door I'm not usually one for playing games but I finally figured out the quickest way to tell if someone is trust worthy or not On a first date, leave a little bit of lipstick (or food) on your teeth purposefully and see how long it takes your date to let you know you have something on your teeth (if they even do) This'll save you months of time wasted in a relationship with someone only to find out they never really had your back or truly supported you Bonus points if you're brave enough to try this with your established friends 😈 📷: artist unknown (plz tag if u do) . . . . #igotissues #trustissues #lipstick #firstdate #games #mindgames #dating #relationships #playersball

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4am thoughts: We often attract what is familiar Until we have a more clarified understanding of what we desire, we will typically find ourselves attracted to situations, jobs, and relationship dynamics that are familiar If you struggle with expressing an aspect of yourself (be it anger, excitement etc) you might find that you attract dynamics where you feel you are expected or pushed to express that aspect of yourself. You may attract partners who have no issues expressing their anger, excitement, or ambition but the ways in which they choose to do so will trigger you. What is familiar about it is that the dynamic gives you more opportunities to choose to suppress that aspect of yourself again But the underlying intention of the dynamic is actually quite empowering if you choose to recognize it When you find yourself in a similar dynamic, you are being presented with an opportunity. An opportunity to find a way to incorporate, integrate, or at the very least acknowledge and validate that aspect of yourself that you had before been invalidating by suppressing and ignoring. You are being presented with an opportunity to come into synthesis through finding healthy ways to acknowledge and validate this part of yourself that feels rejected If you find yourself in a cycle, it may be due to the fact that subconciously a part of you truly desires to start validating a part of yourself that you have previously suppressed or deemed "unacceptable" Until you come to a place where you can acknowlege and love that part of yourself...and find healthy ways to express that part of yourself...you will continue to attract dynamics that externally mirror and feed into that internal disruptive interaction with yourself We as a culture really need to work on allowing ourselves to *feel* uncomfortable with ourselves without deeming it bad or attaching shame For example, If you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable with being angry it will propel you to look for a healthy way to express that aspect of your self that feels anger Once you have, you will no longer be attracted to dynamics that trigger your anger because you no longer need an external catalyst to express it

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"Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next" - Jonas Salk Don't downplay those random connections your brain makes...sometimes its your intuition's way of giving you hints about something in your life Everytime i found out a partner was cheating on me it was never a surprise. Not even with whom they were cheating...but the way i would be triggered into suspicion never made logical sense so i would ignore it Things like noticing that my partner would ususlly tell me the name of which friend they were going to hang out with, BUT when they were hanging with the person they eventually cheated on me with they would always say "i'm going to go hang out with a friend" no name. (mind you i never asked who it was, cuz i was naively trusting...even when in the midst of a plethora of red flags) Even now as a single woman...i am learning to trust my gut more and more. Becuz it has clued me into things EARLY ON that helped me realize a person was straight playing me. The thing is, now I never let the person know I'm aware of their games. I let them keep playing... Once you become aware you are being played, you can emotionally detach ftom the situation. After that the whole situation just becomed a case study entitled: "let's see how dumb this person thinks i am" Its more entertaining than any korean drama i've ever watched You learn so much about a person after that. Maybe its weird but i find the way people express their fear of intimacy, through introducing power dynamics into romantic relationships (aka mind games), i find it all very fascinating. Once i get past the "WhoTF does this person think i am?!" processing stage that is. Long story short, follow those hunches. Trust your intuition Save yourself some unnecessary heartache this cuffing season And invest in a high quality heated blanket . . . . . . #intuition #stevejobs #jonasalk #dating #trustyourgut #cheating #cuffingseason #heatedblanket #fearofintimacy #powerdynamics #mindgames

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I am coming to the understanding that it is not what I experience that shapes my views of the world but rather the way i view the world that shapes my experiences So I choose to view the world as nothing less than magical (at Springfield, Missouri)

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Sometimes when someone important says something that makes you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome at a wedding...you go outside and take pictures in the rain. Old people say covertly racist uninformed things...but to say something grounded in prejudice and misplaced nationalism, and then to have a whole room of people applaud in agreement, including the people nearest you...and you are the only person of color in the room at the time...it can become overwhelming. And you feel betrayed. It's frustrating to spend a day supposed to be about love and have one comment rooted in hatred seemingly supported by every person in the room (that the issue the comment was made about) doesn't even directly affect....especially when you are the one person in the room the issue does directly affect. Of course i didn't say anything. The day wasn't about me. It was about the happy couple. So i bit my tongue and went outside to cool down. I'm not one to bring up these kinds of situations like these on social media, but i felt it was...important. If you identify as an "ally" and you're wondering when the moments will come for you to show up and be a supportive ally to your friends of color...the reality is...those moments will be at the most inappropriate and seemingly random times. There's never an "appropriate time" to shake up the status quo. And all of us POC...we need you to be able to speak up for us in those moments where we are out numbered and may not feel safe to. Even if its just to have a one on one conversation with someone off to the side. Even if it's just by...not clapping in assumed agreement because everyone else is At the end of the day hesitant/reluctant approval...is still approval....you may know what you feel in your heart, but the people around you applauding with you may not. But everything happens for a reason i guess...cuz during that time i took to cool off i was able to capture these . . . . . #mylifematters #blacklivesmatter #417land #WOC #POC #microaggressions #covertprejudice (at Sparta, Missouri)

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If the love don't look and feel like this, it ain't for me then I'm too grown to be diluting myself for potential partners #TrueLove #Soulmates #DivineLovers

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To say this song is cathartic would be an understatement...Some songs are just straight healing To all those who marched in charlottesville On behalf of all the lives lost due to the deep rooted kind of self hatred....hatred manifested as over identification with race, gender, religion sexuality. This song is for you "I hope they find you praying I hope your soul is changing I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees Praying" We are here inspite of you We will go on despite of you We will be stronger...because of you . . . . . . . . . #kesha #charlottesville #proudtobeme #soulgrowth #healing #cathartic #1111 #praying

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i fully support people being able to vent

but i also firmly support a person’s right to say “hey, i really would rather not hear this right now” for any reason, so if you ever don’t want me to mindlessly ramble about how much my life sucks PLEASE feel free to tell me because i strongly think that helping someone deal with their problems should be VOLUNTARY

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July 30th , 2017

I’m a recovering self loather. But I still have bad habits of reverting back to why I’m not happy. I’m a recovering vindictive. But I still find myself thinking of ways to hurt you more than you’ve hurt me ..just to see if the effect would be the same.

I’m a recovering talker. I’ve been listening more than chatting and yet I still say too much all the time. I am a recovering angry woman. But I still get upset and twisted In the mind. I’m not afraid to be human. I’m not afraid to point out my flaws or showcase things that I’m not really proud of.

Why ? Because the best artist , the best people are those who reveal so much yet are still a mystery to everyone else.

I speak but you don’t listen. I show you but you don’t truly see. I allow you into my mind but you don’t make it a home. You walk around and don’t even take your shoes off.

It’s not my job to tell you how to take in my being. It’s your job .

I am a recovering human, who sometimes is just too big for the world they live in.

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Dear God, on the whole “creating dark skin black women” thing?

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Morning Musings: I think we all can agree there is nothing more frustrating than the feeling of trying to move forward in life, but feeling like everything is conspiring against you. That's probably why we're all suckers for a good underdog story. It gives us hope that if we hustle hard enough, if we push for long enough...something will give way...something will break through. Its easy to get swept up in the "hustle" But no ones tells you that staying in "hustle" mode can lead you to your own demise In a culture that glorifies staying on the grind, we've created for ourselves quite a substantial blind spot We've created a codependent relationship with #thestruggle Over identifying with struggle, can sometimes rob us of the types of forward momentum that can only be achieved when we take a step back When we take a moment to pause Sometimes things in life get hard for a reason, but the reason is not to push you to work harder. Sometimes life gets harder because its time for us to recognize that what we're hustling for...is no longer serving us....is no longer in our best interest But those realization can only come to us when we pause. There's a reason the daily grind is jokingly referred to as "the rat race". It is up to you...to save yourself from being tripped up by staying in hustle mode Instead of allowing frustrations to fuel your hustle...take them as a cue to reevaluate what and who...is deserving of your: time, affection, attention, and energy. Save yourself from the familiarity of the rat race, it wasn't serving you anyway ❤❤❤ #meditation #leoseason #dailygrind #theratrace #hustle #thestruggleisreal #edsheeran #musicmeditation #417culture #springfieldmo

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Just discovered this wine and im SO in love with the company 😍😍😍 This is what is written around the label: "Beliefs manifest realities. Allow yourself greatness. Trust in self What is difficult is worth while..." Saved Wines is KILLING IT 🔥🔥🔥 (at Hy-Vee)