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Working from home be like

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HAY BAE #10 - Beautiful Darling

02/07/20

Hay Bae, you good?

I watched a documentary today about Candy Darling (Beautiful Darling, 2009 - Dir. James Rasin) who was a "muse" for Andy Warhol in the Factory days. Candy was a trans woman & absolute fierce bitch who dazzled the scene so much Lou Reed wrote a couple of songs about her (heard of "Walk On The Wild Side"?) I mean, I can relate - Lou Reed wrote some tracks about me as well, it's just a shame they were on "LuLu" and no one heard them.

The doc is really good. It gives a lot of contradictory angles on Candy from the different people who knew her at the time. Some kind, and some not so much. I think a good documentary should have that though, right? Because that's what people are, they're contradictions. Some points of view are a joy to hear, like John Waters gushing over how Candy was more than a Warhol freakshow, and instead was a great actress in her own right. Other points of view aren't so sympathetic, like the bitter biological essentialism that comes from the writer Fran Lebowitz. I've read some of Lebowitz's work before (Metropolitan Life) and I really liked it at the time, but I guess even those who were immersed in the rule breaking, transgressive environment of Warhol's Factory can still end up with a fairly base outlook on life. Maybe she's been spending too much time hanging out with her pal Bill Maher? It just seems like a weird choice to spend your time as a talking head in a documentary about a young trans woman, who died of a cancerous tumour at 29, insisting that the audience understand that Candy wasn't a "real woman". To give Lebowitz a bit of credit though, she does at the very least refer to Candy as "She" throughout the entire documentary.

I sort of idolise Candy. I have for a while. I'm not much like her - for one thing I'm nowhere near as beautiful and elegant as she was. I could never be a muse, I don't think. Maybe I should put out an ad in the newspaper- "Looking for a transsexual Muse to place into cheap art house films for a period of time, before completely dropping and moving on to 'chicks without dicks'? - well, I'M YOUR GAL" But I indentify with a lot of her internal struggles. There's a short portion of the film, which deals with Candy's personal confusions. It takes extracts from her diary, and you can really hear the existential exhaustion that comes along as standard with the "trans experience". You're constantly pushing the boulder of Sisyphus up the hill - sometimes making what feels like progress, when ultimately you know that the true end goal is impossible. She comes across as a person who exudes confidence on the surface, starring in films & modelling. She's a social butterfly, with a self aware & dark sense of humour. But at the same time, her diaries come across as deeply sad & lonely. She refers to her situation as a "veritable prison" and laments that she can't do normal things like go swimming, or find a husband. I feel this exact same way sometimes. I can perform comedy on a stage to hundreds of people, but I can't wash my hands in a female public toilet without feeling fear or discomfort.

"I am not a genuine woman, but I am not interested in genuineness. I am interested in the product of being a woman, and how qualified i am to do it" - Candy Darling.

There is mention of an off-broadway show that Candy starred in. She was the centre of the entire production, and during its run audiences would come just to see her. And still, she was relegated to her own private dressing room so as not to disrupt the harmony of the other male & female dressing rooms. There's something ironically tragic about that, I think. Although, I dunno - I'd probably prefer my own dressing room too. When I was at Uni and I started transitioning, I was told I could use the disabled toilets.

It was also interesting to hear about the complaints against Candy's role in the film "Women In Revolt" from a division of feminists that sounds strangely reminiscent of the "gender critical" movement we have today. It just goes to show how deeply ingrained these things are.

Candy was a trailblazer, and like John Waters said - she was more than just a freakshow. She was smart, talented, funny, ironic, knowing, satirical, contradictory, beautiful, strong, soft, sad, joyous... I think "Beautiful Darling" is a great documentary to watch, because it shows a trans woman as a more rounded person. She was a self-realised Goddess, and she left a big impression in those short 29 years. She made herself known at a time when it was literally illegal to go out in a dress if you were a "man" (as Fran Lebowitz would like to remind you Candy actually was). She was rejected by her mother, forgotten by Warhol & had to go through a lot of shit. And on top of all that, she was 100% herself.

"You must always be yourself, no matter what the price. It is the highest form of morality." - Candy Darling

The entire documentary is available on Youtube for free.

[imjenives]

Hay Bae #9 - The Woman of Cumberland Hill

01/07/20

Hay Bae, you good?

I was thinking about ghosts today (well, I think there's always at least one part of my brain that's thinking about ghosts, I'm quite into the spectres), but I guess I was just thinking about how when I was like 10 - I told my parents & most of the kids on my street that I had seen an actual ghost down by the new flats on Cumberland Hill. I had gotten myself so worked up about it, that I was bawling my eyes out & in a sort of manic, panicked state. I told everyone that a see through woman had appeared, and she was floating off of the ground. I rallied everyone down to the flats to look at the empty area where it had once materialised. The only thing is, I was totally lying. I remember conceiving the lie, and putting it into action. To this day, I still don't really know why I did it - probably for attention, I guess. What's weirder to me though, is that I still remember feeling genuinely scared and upset. The fear was real - but the ghoul that was givin' me the willies... was me (how's that for a twist, M.Night?)

I don't know if I've ever really seen a ghost, I don't really know what a ghost is. I do know that I've seen some weird stuff though. About 9 months ago, when I was in one of my "blue periods" (which is coded language for "having the weepies") there was one evening when I was convinced I had seen a pen move across my desk completely of its own volition. I remember saying to myself out loud "This is real. This is actually happening. You've gone mad. You've gone fucking mad, Jen". I rationalised it by telling myself that it was depression making me hallucinate, and hey - there's definitely some logic to that. Sometimes, on a really bad day, the world does seem hazier - or more ethereal. Thing is though, reality isn't even real is it? (how's that for some philosophy). You know what I mean, though - what we see is just our perception of the world. It's the way our particular brain evolution makes sense of the world through our particularly evolved eyes. Therefore, ghosts are real and I don't wanna hear anymore about - alright Dawkins?

Philosophers are always going on about how when you look at a table, a table doesn't actually look like that - it's just your relative perception of a table. But what I wanna know is, why are philosophers so obsessed with tables? If you like tables so much, give up the philosophy and go work in an Ikea.

If ghosts are real though, why do they choose to haunt houses? You'd think that after you become spirit & give up the physical body - you'd probably also give up on sheltered accommodation. If I were a ghost, I'd just fly about around the sky and stuff. I'd probably float right up to the top of the Shard and scare whoever the hell works at the top of that. I dunno, maybe ghosts just have to haunt houses. Maybe God just really cares about real-estate security & employs ghosts to house sit for families when they're on holiday.

Do you reckon there's at least one proper dopey ghost who thinks he's haunting a house, but he's actually just in one of those Ikea show-homes. All the other ghouls make fun of him and call him a berk behind his back (or whatever the ghost equivalent of a back is. No body, no back).

I'm really into ghosts, even if I haven't decided if I believe in them yet. I watch a lot of videos online of apparent "real ghosts" caught on tape, but most of them are undeniably hoaxes. It doesn't make them any less thrilling or fun though. Maybe that's what I was trying to do as a 10 year old. I was probably just trying to entertain an audience (in a misguided and insensitive way - I know my fellow comedians can relate). What I do know though, is that a lot of people say they've seen one. And I like people, and I usually give them the benefit of the doubt. So, when someone tells me they've seen a ghost, I believe that they saw something weird. I reckon that's the least I can do. I hope that one day I do see a ghost. I'm not really scared of them, on account of them being see-through and sort of camp. I mean, what's it going to do - move a pen in a passive aggressive way towards me?

Anyway, was nice chatting at you. Same time tomorrow? Cool. Can't wait. Spook ya later.

more at www.jenives.net 

[imjenives]

Documentary on the Warhol ICON that was Candy Darling. Hard recommend 

[imjenives]

My 5 best albums of the week wot I’ve been listening to, in no particular order. They’re not all new or anything like that (except the Jehnny Beth one) but I’ve just been rinsing them non-stop.

1) Jehnny Beth - To Love Is To Live

2) BC Camplight - Shortly After Takeoff

3) Divers - Joanna Newsom

4) Bjork - Debut

5) Julia Holter - Have You In My Wildreness

[imjenives]

YAS. Bill ODDIE ODDIE ODDIE.

[imjenives]

Pingu ASMR (warning - very relaxing)

[imjenives]

Hi. I wrote a new episode of IT Crowd (don’t tell Graham Linehan!) I hope you enjoy it.

[imjenives]

helo timblr me jen

Hello. I am a stand up comedian & writer from London and I have decided to make a Tumblr account so I can stay relevant and not feel old. This is still a thing, right? 

I will mainly be using it to share my work & videos I think are funny. 

I love you. But not in a weird way. See you soon.

www.jenives.net