improperfrog

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Me on my period

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I think I've been playing this game too much, because...

I had a dream that I was in prison with Astarion and he was under my protection. Our job was to style wigs and he was terrible at it.

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A lot of companions are attracted to Wyll and I have a theory why.

I don’t think it’s just about the looks. Don't get me wrong - he is a beautiful man, but I think it’s because he’s a good guy. A lot of these guys have had bad experiences and a hard life, so my theory is that, deep down, what they want is for someone to treat them right, and that’s exactly the vibe Wyll gives off right off the bat. You just feel safe around him and I think that’s what they all lowkey want.

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Am I the only one who loves Gale in this drow armor?

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‘God, what a ghastly sight that is,’ Astarion says with disgust, brows knitted together, nose scrunched dramatically as he watches me be nice to a random gnome (or anyone but him and an owlbrear cub)

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I need to check something

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Spoilers ahead

Astarion is not evil, you just don’t understand him or what trauma can do to people. 

I can’t even begin to comprehend the level of trauma this man has. People can get severely traumatized by one bad event in their life, now imagine 200 years of them. 200 years of pure shit.

People who were abused sometimes become abusers - then they feel like they’re finally the ones in control and in the position of power in this dynamic, no longer the powerless victim. They feel like they regained their power by becoming an abuser. 

People can become abusers because they don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. They may believe relationships are built on domination and not mutual respect. That there’s always a hierarchy - someone always holds power and they’ll do anything not to be the victim again.

People who were abused will sometimes feel better when someone else suffers abuse - then they’re finally not the ones on the receiving end of it. Finally they get a break. They may fear that if they interfere, the abuse will turn back at them, so they’ll comply, even abuse others themselves, not to make that happen. Standing up for others always ends up with severe punishment from your abuser.

People who were abused and weren’t helped can feel resentment and envy towards those who were helped. They’ll feel angry that when they needed to be saved so badly, nobody saved them. They were all alone, while all those other people had a helping hand reach out to them. They might not want to help. Helping other victims can also be a trigger that reminds them of what they have gone through.

Astarion doesn’t want to ascend for fun, he wants to ascend, because he has this false idea that when he does, he will finally be safe. That this will ensure nobody will ever be able to hurt him again. But that won’t be the case. He may feel strong and he may actually physically be strong, but that won’t erase the mental destruction he’d faced. He does this because he’s terrified. In his head, he still will be that until he processes his trauma and comes out of it healthier.

Ascending him emphasized some of his traits - this is why he will try his best to turn you into the spawn, or won’t let you break up with him or become an equal vampire - he will use his power to stay in control in your relationship, so he will never be the weak one again, nor can he be abandoned again, nor can you turn on him*. That only shows that ascending didn’t help his mind, it only helped his body. 

Astarion can become ‘evil’ if he lets his trauma win, but he’s not evil yet. The time frame of the game is far too short for him to process his hurt (especially since he doesn’t get to sit around and think - the group is in constant action, traveling and fighting, doom lingering over their heads - hardly a good environment for therapy. He’s in constant survival mode*.), and expecting him to simply become a nice, helpful teddy bear quickly is unfair and unrealistic. Let’s not perpetuate the ‘perfect victim’ standards on traumatized people. They’re not perfect and after what they’ve faced, they should be expected to be.

*An example of that fear is shown when we meet the hunter that’s after him, and Astarion says that we should kill every hunter we come across, except maybe Wyll. It’s framed in a joking manner, but it’s actually rooted in fear. He does fear Wyll (and presumably others) could turn on him. He confirms so when you romance him and he says his plan was to make you develop feelings for him, so that you don’t turn on him. 

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‘You shouldn’t be here for this, it’s about to get very ugly. Spare yourself this sight and wait for me at the camp,’ I say to Astarion as I’m about to be the nicest, most helpful bitch on the block

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my headcanon for my drow Tav is that  he marries Gale, they live a great, happy life until Gale passes from old age. Tav goes back to the Underdark, where by chance he reunites with Astarion. They find solace in their friendship, Tav grieves, Astarion still deals with his trauma. Only after they’re better and healthier, their friendship blossoms into a soft romance.

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Act 1 spoilers for The Dark Urge

me, playing Durge, being happy that Alfira joined our team, because I haven’t played a bard yet and was curious about them

me the next day after a long rest:

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Y’all I’m trying to look at the map in the floor and figure out how to go about the trial and I just hear this clanking over and over. I turn the camera and it’s fucking Astarion desperately trying to leave, I’m dying

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For me:

Dinner is ready

Later that night, he secretly wrote down her suggestions in his notebook.

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I played as a fighter first, now I play a sorcerer and let me tell you…

I took that carrying capacity for granted

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gotta give it to larian, they knocked it out of the park with all companions. They’re all great. Everyone has their own interesting, vibrant personality and story.

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Okay, but Wyll welcoming us to the one eyed club was really cute

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y’all, Ima be straight with you. I feel like we could have just used our tadpole wifi connection to show Astarion what he looks like