imsodeadinside666-blog - Tumblr blog

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I miss him so much…

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Instead of studying for my finals I found a new anime to watch along with many different shows 🤝

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I started playing tears of the kingdom and its so fucking good.

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Today is the first day of school after two weeks off. I am losing my mind. I don’t want to go.

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School

I am a perfectionist. There's not much to say about this tbh, however, I can say one thing for sure; I put too much pressure on myself at school even though I know that I can't achieve my unrealistic goals. This makes me hate myself even more and makes it impossible for me to focus, therefore I have decided to completely give up on school. No more giving a fuck about the grades that I get, only the desire to pass with the bare minimum.

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Crushes

I keep gaslighting myself into thinking that I like someone out of boredom. It never ends well.

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It feels like everything’s falling apart, but you know what the worst thing is? I keep on holding onto my melancholy, or rather it’s holding on to me like the plague. It won’t let go. I won’t let go either and I’m weak for holding onto such negative emotions for so long. However, I feel like pessimism is what gives me inspiration, what has given other artists inspiration. I feel like I will lose all my creativity once I let go of all the negativity within my brain.

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Tw: eating disorders, mention of ptsd/trauma, vomiting, bad punctuation and spelling due to hasty typing ig

Let me start from the beginning. I have been struggling with a fear of vomiting my entire life due to getting traumatized by some events related to it, which created various issues while I ate. I would be scared of not being able to swallow my food, or the food getting my sick, hence I stopped eating for a year all together and became severly underweight. The year after this I developed an eating disorder and have been struggling with it for years (since I was 11). Now, I have been sent to a therapy method called multiple family treatment in which my parents force me to eat. It is not working. I can eat the food that they give me, however, I feel like Im gonna break any moment mentally. I get scared about vomiting and various different things and start hating myself. It really sucks. I just want this pain to end but it doesnt stop its almost like torture. I want to go to the gym to feel better about myself, but im not allowed to due to me ed.

I also have been getting flashbacks and having panic attacks about vomiting. Sometimes they get so bad that i dont know who i am anymore. I feel like i have totally lost my sense of self and feel dissociated from the outer world, it feels very scary. I sometimes feel like im going insane. I dont know what to do.

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Ok so…I had deleted tumblr but now im back after three years. I have been going through some pretty fucked up stuff that will include tw, I just need to get everything out of my chest. My username might not make much sense but whatever, it was created when I was still a child so it doesn’t matter.