inathinks

[inathinks]

I think about how nostalgia is so much about grief because it was once about love.

So much of the love you discovered with a person, unintentionally remains frozen and you can't help but keep coming back to it again and again. All my love is now yearning and all of my moments turn into nostalgia.

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Every time a person uses 'i'm just a girl' or 'girl math' to dumb down an incident/topic, istg it boils my blood!! Not everyone understands a niche reference or will try, instead you're just reinforcing harmful stereotypes for what? A CHUCKLE??!!

No hate to anyone but I've come across videos on Instagram where everything is explained in terms of movies like "mean girls" or any kind of entertainment that has a large female fan base. While it is not inherently harmful, calling something that is meant to be easier to understand as "for the girls" explanation is insane. It reinforces the toxic belief that women need concepts to be watered down and "feminine" ( for the lack of a better word) in order to understand or be interested in them.

You can be talking to someone and she'll be like, "Oh I made a silly mistake. Women don't deserve voting rights teehee." And you'll be like, "What." And she'll be like, "Oh I'm sorry! That must sound so bad out of context. No it's this Tiktok meme where, if you're a girl and you do something dumb, you say 'Women don't deserve voting rights teehee.'"

And you'll be like, "That sounds bad." And she'll be like, "No no. It's totally not that bad. It's just a meme. Men say it too. Like if a man does something silly he'll be like, 'I am like those women who do not deserve to vote.'" And you'll be like, "Does that make it better?" And she'll be like, "Well there was one guy who tried to make 'Men shouldn't vote' a popular meme. But it never caught on and also he got yelled at a lot."

And then you drop it there because like, you're harshing the vibe.

[inathinks]

Me because I need to come up with a topic as well as write a research paper in a month😔

[inathinks]

[inathinks]

a big lesson for me was learning that most things are not as fragile as I’d believed. missing a class, or turning in a bad assignment, won’t instantly destroy your professor’s opinion of you. accidentally saying something harsh won’t make your friend want to end the friendship. it takes work to repair these things - it takes effort and research and sometimes a sincere apology - but you can do that because they’re not irreparably broken. what you’ve worked to build, in academia and in relationships and in life, is stronger and more enduring that your mind may teach you to believe. don’t let imagined fragility lead you to giving up

[inathinks]

There's a scene in aftersun towards the end of the movie where Sophie tells her father 'Can't live in hotels for the rest of our lives.' Yet after you finish watching the movie, tears streaming down your face, you realise that is exactly what happens to Sophie. She will forever be trapped in that hotel, reliving her holiday over and over again. Each time more terrifying, each time more harrowing.

I wonder if adult Sophie, now more aware, now more Callum than Sophie, wonders what each action of her father meant? People do that, they tend to overcompensate for not seeing things the first time by overthinking the second time. Callum might have wanted to leave his daughter with one last happy memory but memory taints. The window you look at your memories through have glass panes made from emotions. I wonder if the grief gives over to anger or if it coexists. If the walls of the hotel gives up beneath her screeching fingernails, is Sophie free from the suffocation or does she realise she still has a continent to cross to meet herself? Does someone reach Sophie before she meets the same fate as Callum?

[inathinks]

you're allowed to be held.

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Have had the worst week imaginable and it has made me realise rock bottoms also have rock bottoms

Why is the first half of the year the hardest months to go through? I can't deal with anymore heartbreak pls let me feel better.

[inathinks]

I think I might go unloved romantically all my life

[inathinks]

Why is the first half of the year the hardest months to go through? I can't deal with anymore heartbreak pls let me feel better.

[inathinks]

I’ve been doing this thing for about a year now, where I’ve made it a goal to try and find the documentary that disturbs me the most.

I stay away from documentaries that focus on animal abuse, since that’s just a massive no-go area, I can’t even think about someone as little as shout at an animal.

But I’ve watched quite a few at this point. I know a lot of people out there are also interested in this kind of thing, so I’ll give you some of the ones that have really had an impact on me. I’ll start with the tamest ones (available on mainstream platforms like Netflix) and it’ll get progressively more upsetting lol.

I’m actually quite a desensitised person, so if a documentary affects me, you know it’s worth it.

Green = unfortunate and upsetting

Orange = Jesus that’s fucked up, that’s latched onto me for a while

Red = The above + will find it difficult to watch again, and this made me cry my eyes out

Bold Red = Kept me up at night for a while + all the above. Still think about it to this day.

Bold with ** = don’t watch if you don’t have a strong stomach and can’t handle emotionless gory images

Take Care of Maya (2023) - Netflix

A nightmare unfolds for Jack and Beata Kowalski after they bring their 10-year-old daughter to the ER with unusual symptoms.

Tell Me Who I Am (2019) - Netflix

When Alex loses his memory after a serious motorcycle accident, he trusts his twin Marcus to tell him about his past, but he later discovers that Marcus is hiding a dark family secret.

Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey (2022) - Netflix

The rise of Warren Jeffs in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and his criminal case.

Abducted in Plain Sight (2017) - Netflix

In 1974, 12-year-old Jan Broberg is abducted from a small church-going community in Idaho by a trusted neighbour and close family friend.

Dreams of a Life (2011)

Discovering the truth about the life of a vivacious, intelligent woman - and how she came to be so tragically forgotten. Nobody noticed when 38-year-old Joyce Vincent died in her bedsit above a shopping mall in North London in 2003. When her remains were discovered three years later, her heating and her television were still on. Who was Joyce Vincent, and how could this happen to someone in today's age of communication?

Just Melvin, Just Evil (2000)

In this documentary focusing on his own tortured family tree, James Ronald Whitney chronicles an evil that seems too pure to be real: Melvin Just. Over the span of three generations, Just, who married Whitney's grandmother and was later convicted of child molestation, is revealed to have abused his stepchildren from two marriages. Whitney not only explores the unspeakable acts perpetrated by his grandfather, but also the legacy of self-destructive behavior that can all be traced back to Just.

Tickled (2016)

In a story stranger than fiction, journalist David Farrier uncovers a strange tickling subculture. Delving deeper into the dark world of a tickling competition, he meets with fierce resistance.

Holy Hell (2016)

Filmmaker Will Allen documents the time he spent with the Buddhafield, a Los Angeles spiritual group.

Jesus Camp (2006)

Filmmakers Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady visit an evangelical Christian summer camp called Kids on Fire, where children take part in programs designed to strengthen and intensify their beliefs. The camp's founder, Becky Fischer, discusses her mission to indoctrinate youths in the word of God, while young campers play certain combat video games and talk about their love for Jesus.

There’s Something Wrong with Aunt Diane (2011)

The accident made national headlines: a suburban mother drove the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway in New York and crashed head-on into an SUV, killing herself and seven others. In the aftermath, Diane Schuler was portrayed as a reckless drunk and a mother who cracked. But was she the monster the public made her out to be...or the perfect wife and mother that many say she was? Investigating the case six months after the accident, this documentary searches for answers to a mysterious and senseless tragedy.

Goodnight, Sugar Babe: The Killing of Vera Jo Reigle (2020)

The discovery of the mutilated body of a mentally challenged young mother begins a journey into madness that is so unbelievable the mastermind behind the crime ultimately got away with murder.

Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (1996)

Paradise Lost was a groundbreaking true crime documentary series released in 1996 that set the bar for the genre and influenced similar productions. The trilogy follows the story of three teenage boys who were wrongfully accused and convicted of a brutal triple homicide in West Memphis, Arkansas. The series explores themes of societal hysteria, wrongful convictions, and the power of media influence, and it launched the careers of filmmakers Joe Berlinger and Bruce Sinofsky.

**Orozco the Embalmer (2001)**

A Spanish-language, Japanese-Colombian mondo film (a subgenre of exploitive documentary films) directed by Kiyotaka Tsurisaki, following a Colombian embalmer named Froilan Orozco Duarte, who is shown living in El Cartucho, an impoverished and crime-ridden area of Bogotá, Colombia, where the homicide rate is high and corpses can be seen on the streets.

The Dying Rooms (1995)

Documentary about a crew going from one orphanage to another in China to investigate these so called "dying rooms" where the orphanage workers leave baby girls to die.

The Dancing Boys of Afghanistan (2010)

In Afghanistan many hundreds of boys, often as young as ten, are being lured off the streets on the promise of a new life. Also known as Bacha Bāzī: an ancient Afghan practice in which men train, buy, and keep adolescent young boys for entertainment and sex in a society that keeps women hidden from view.

Boy Interrupted (2009)

Filmmaker Dana Perry documents the life of her son, Evan, a 15-year-old who committed suicide. The film traces Evan's growing mental illness, including videotapes made throughout his short life and interviews with his friends and doctors.

Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008)

Dear Zachary is a both a touching tribute to a fallen friend and a heart-wrenching account of justice gone astray, skillfully put to film with no emotion spared.

[inathinks]

do you have or could you make a webweave about nostalgia? specifically of the yearning and grieving variety. it's killing me that all of it is gone forever, that all that remains is an echo, and that it will only keep fading. big yikes.

@robertszombie \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman \\ @wearemadeofstardust0 \\ david foster wallace \\ jordanna kalman \\ okechukwu nzelu here again now \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman

kofi

[inathinks]

do you have or could you make a webweave about nostalgia? specifically of the yearning and grieving variety. it's killing me that all of it is gone forever, that all that remains is an echo, and that it will only keep fading. big yikes.

@robertszombie \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman \\ @wearemadeofstardust0 \\ david foster wallace \\ jordanna kalman \\ okechukwu nzelu here again now \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman \\ jordanna kalman

kofi

[inathinks]

Everybody moved on. I stayed there, dust collected on my pinned up hair.

@lilyflxwers/hold this - fortesa latifi/@trxuma-system/the good witch - maisie peters/@heavensghost/@archivedsmile/unknown/@lilyflxwers/@therezeegoes/right where you left me - taylor swift

[inathinks]

Toska

Russian, noun

tuh-SKAH

An immense ache for nothing and everything at once. An anguish from the bottom of the heart.

[inathinks]

“nostalgia is a villain that we are told is a hero, all it ever does is hurt.”

[inathinks]

i say this a lot—that i’m inherently a sad person. like, if i don’t smile enough or i’m too lost in my own head, people think i’m just going through it. and it’s not true all the time, but sometimes, i do shut myself off. everything on the outside looks fine. deadlines? met. work? done. day? moving along like any other.

but inside? i feel like i’m just doing what needs to be done, without any real purpose. not in a dramatic, soul-crushing way. it’s more like this quiet acceptance that maybe life isn’t meant to be all that exciting, and maybe loneliness is just going to stick around. and honestly, i don’t even have the energy to fight it. to go out of my way to find my people, my tribe. whatever i have, i’ll make do with it. if people leave, i probably won’t replace them.

and some days, it’s just that—a whole lot of not feeling much. not desperately trying to feel, not actively avoiding it. it takes me time to process change. i’ll go numb for a while, and then, out of nowhere, it’ll hit me. a fight i had years ago that should’ve broken me but didn’t? it’ll sneak up on me during a random tuesday afternoon. that’s just how i work. that’s how i function.