inconsistentcowgirl

[inconsistentcowgirl]

it's late at night, and you're on my mind against my will. it's miserable being nostalgic for you, while knowing how much you hurt me.

i'm not the better person, you know. i actually hope i haunt you. i hope you remember every detail about me, everything you liked. you probably don't, but i can't stop myself from loving the idea. you liked my eyes, my hands, my voice. you could've had all of me. you chose not to. i asked for nothing from you. my heart's so soft, it could've belonged to you with nothing in return. i was happy just being held, feeling protected. i hope you miss holding me.

you asked me to come back to you, to let you try again. i laughed when i saw that. i wasn't laughing at your pain, i was laughing that you thought i'd forgotten my own.

do you sit alone thinking about me now? it doesn't matter, but i still wonder. if you do, i hope you keep thinking about me. i hope you know i could've been yours

[inconsistentcowgirl]

(This is a result of my recent mental state and listening to Ethel Cain every day)

You’ve changed, girl. Where’s the little child from so long ago, being sugar-sweet to everyone, afraid of the world but so curious about it? Look at you now. You’ve got the same big, soft eyes like a rabbit, but now a rattlesnake’s heart racing in your body. You became predator and prey. That old sweetness didn’t help you survive. You survived anyway though, clawing your way through life, gnashing your teeth while you wept.

Didn’t your mama always call you angel? Well angel, do you remember when you fell, crashing down from the heavens? You try so hard to stay soft and lovely. But your father’s anger also runs in your half-rotting blood. You hold that fire and it burns you from the inside out.

Do you still believe in God? Did you ever really believe, or did you sing hymns and read verses just for the hope that something greater might be looking after you? You know you’ve never seen God. You only feel him sometimes, when you’re drunk around a bonfire noticing how bright the stars shine.

Go outside, girl. Go to the fields and let the wind bite your skin while the vultures wait for you to fall. They can wait a little longer. Your eyes have dark circles, your hands are always shaky, but God knows your flame isn’t out yet.

[inconsistentcowgirl]

This man will always confuse me. He hurts my heart so much without ever realizing. He's older and wiser, but doesn't know what he wants.

Why am I his intermittent lover? Am I soft and warm enough to hold, nice enough to care, pretty enough to want but not to love?

He's seen my fear, my crying. I've seen his pain, his sorrow. We've held each other for hours when the world has gone to sleep. His arms feel safe, treating me kindly when life doesn't.

He could love me, I could love him. My devotion is like a dog's, he abandons me but I wait for him. But it still hurts.

Why can't he tell me the truth? How long can I wait for it? There is love for me in his heart or there isn't. He holds me like treasure, then puts me back on the shelf until he comes around again.

I never know if I've done or said something wrong. He wouldn't get angry with me, I think he knows I'd be too afraid. Despite what he may think about himself, I know he's a good man.

I don't know what he's doing or where he is most of the time. I worry though, I worry and silently wish that he was near me. Maybe I'm selfish in that way.

[inconsistentcowgirl]

Letter to/about My Brother?

Sometimes it occurs to me that I am in fact an older sister. I'm the crazy girl with music playing too loud, staying up till dawn. I'm the girl who drives too fast taking you to school. I let you pick the music on the way. Well, sometimes.

You wonder why I'm always out with my friends, coming home a day later with smudged makeup still on my eyes, smelling like my cheap perfume and just a little bit like cigarettes. I don't tell you much about how I drink with my friends. The last thing I want is for you to be like me.

I want to get out of here, away from our house and this town and this state. It's okay if you don't understand why. You'll be just fine here, but I need to leave.

I'm still protective over you, I probably will be no matter how many years pass. I don't mind that you annoy me, not really. I'll always be here, whether you want to talk or keep it all inside for the sake of being tough. I'm still your older sister.