ineedyoutofreeme

[ineedyoutofreeme]

In highschool I met a girl who reminded me of you

It physically hurt me to look at her-

She didn't have your face, but she had your laugh

Her nails were bitten bloody and she wrote in a journal she took with her everywhere

I made art for her, I wanted to impress her so bad

My love for you was an open wound

I wanted to know if she could love me-

Like it would prove something, stop the bleeding

It hurt so bad to look at her

I applied the tourniquet, cut it off, I knew I shouldn't get too close

We never hung out, barely even spoke

I met her in the school's Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) club

I didn't attend very long

I made colorful LGBTQ+ posters, but had to redo them-

The school wanted me to put BLTQG or something fucking stupid like that

Make it unrecognizable, unreadable

The teacher who ran it was so passionate, so sorry

I was the first trans person to join and she was excited, and then her face sort of fell-

"Sorry, I know, the school wouldn't let me call it a G-S-T-A"

It feels like cosmic irony now

But really, the only reason I went was to see you-

Her-

I hadn't thought about it for a while

I was driving home from work playing the playlist I made about you

I wear my heart on my sleeve but I try so hard to lie to myself about how it feels

I lied to you-

I think about you all the time

I keep ideas of people

I think fondly about all my exes,

Not in the sort of way you'd expect, I wouldn't leave my husband for anyone

I just really liked them as people, for one reason or another

I wish we were still friends, mostly I just hope they're loved and doing well

I know it could never be the same

You're not the idea in my head

That person doesn't exist, forever a kid

Dancing in the living room, running barefoot down the street

Passing notes in math class, roleplaying over text

Listening to me talk on the phone about my new school, my new friends

I don't remember a lot of it anymore, I feel memories warping and slipping away from me

In ten years will I still miss you?

Probably.

I hope you are loved, I hope you are doing well, I hope you never read this, unless you wanted to

I hope I never hear from you again, I hope you call me if you want to

I think about you all the time, you were a joy to have in my life, you are my muse

You are the reason I got so into writing, you always made me want to make art

It wasn't perfect, but it was us

I don't look for you everywhere anymore, because there was only ever one of you

I wish I was a better person back then, so I'll try to be now

I think of you with a tear in my eye, and the biggest, stupidest smile

"I'm not prettier than you. As soon as you open your mouth, I'm never prettier than you."

"We really don't know how to talk to each other anymore, my god. Other than that weird secret dialect soul mates have."

"Hahahaha!! Oh my god we kept missing each other. I knew I loved you from the moment I saw you. In your stupid (endearing) socks. Thank you for telling me, I'd been wondering."

"I love you and have loved you more intensely than anyone I've ever known. I'm so sorry to do this right now. I wanted to be honest."

"Regardless of whether or not you ever, I know that I definitely love you. That's the only reason that even after all of this time I still feel this steady weight in my chest. But that doesn't matter anymore. I'm sorry for my part in the chaos. Not completely because some of our chaos was beautiful, but the end was bleak."

"I will never have another friend, or whatever you are, seems more, like you. You are a unique experience that I won't encounter again."

[ineedyoutofreeme]

Everything is rented, you own nothing

Your books are digital, we burned them to the screen

The tv show, the movie, the videogame

Wiped from the digital shelf, every single legitimate copy

All you can own now is counterfit

Subscription, subscription, subscription

Soon that's all it'll ever be

You won't own the clothes you wear, the air you breathe

Art is made by machines

Or art was here but now no one will see, it was cancelled for the tax cut

See, I used to have this issue with stage theatre

It originated to entertain the masses

But these days the barrier to entry can be massive

Empty your coffers for just you and a friend to see once and never again

How much of that money are the entertainers actually seeing

Now, almost all media is like that

Stuck behind paywalls or mountains of ads

Record profits, yet somehow justifying raising their prices

Pay a fee, but you're not buying anything

Everything is rented, we own nothing

[ineedyoutofreeme]

Happy birthday

Kid, I'm not sorry

I know was supposed to die

11 years ago, 9 years ago, look-

I didn't think I'd make it past 18

Let alone 25

Kid, you don't need to exaggerate

My problems were real the whole time

Latchkey kid,

The adults in my life barely looked at me

I ran away for 12 hours and they didn't even notice

All I got was going to bed, embarrassed

Pretend it didn't happen-

Kid, it's no wonder you were so clingy

I didn't grow up with secure attachments

In elementary school all my nightmares

Were about my family forgetting me

I was outed to my whole middle school

I cried myself to sleep almost every night in highschool

I loved people, and they kept leaving

I hurt people, and they hurt me

Love makes me so happy

And has hurt me so, so, so fucking bad

Told myself I'd die in agony, alone

Thought that I'd deserve it

Kid, I'm sorry you went through that

Thank you for caring, for surviving

The world's on fire, but

You'd be so excited to be here, if you only knew

[ineedyoutofreeme]

GB Eating GB While Listening To GB by Crywank is basically Punpun and Aiko

Read the funny bird dude comic they said, it will be fun they said

[ineedyoutofreeme]

Sometimes I crave the pain of the past

It hurts in a way that is comforting

I already know the ending

In the end, I leave him

It wasn't a limbo, not an eternity of suffering

In the end, I leave him

In hindsight, the pattern is laid out for me

It's predictable like it never was at the time

There were two ways it could go

Temporary bliss or fucking decay

In the end, I leave him

Some people are into a little pain

I don't think I was always this way

I only like the idea of it

I had a dream he was back again

This time, I let him, I even asked him for it

I woke up and I cried, and cried, and cried

I didn't let anyone touch me for days

In the end, I left him

So why won't he go away

[ineedyoutofreeme]

And here it comes again

The rose colored glasses just become glass again

The small things are insignificant

The big things just don't matter to me

My kitten, she is soft and warm

My husband, he truly loves me

My best friend, we're closer than we've ever been

My other friends barely talk to me

If I shut my mouth forever

Most of them would only remember to ask

On a random Tuesday three years from now

The time just passes by and you forget

What's not right in front of you

Even when it used to be so important

And it still sort of is in a deep, hurtful sort of way

When you wonder how you could ever forget

I know, it's the illness -

the anxiety, the hallucinations, the delusions, the depression -

Consuming me again

It was nice, being happy

It felt like I'd be able to handle the crash when it came

I remember, a week before the wedding

I thought about driving my car right off the road

I sped up to about 90 miles per hour

I begged myself not to drive right past my house

I begged myself to slow down, make that right turn safely onto my street

I made the turn, got home safely

And still, I begged my husband to reconsider

If he really wanted to make the commitment

To the kind of future I'm headed for

He asked me what he'd done

To make me think he could change his mind

The wedding wasn't perfect, nothing is

But it was everything

It proved that the world was beautiful

Love is real, and I won't die alone

I'd never smiled or laughed that much

I knew the crash was coming

I've been miserable most of my life

This happiness wouldn't last forever

My husband holds my hand

In the middle of the night

While I mutter over and over

"I'm going to die, I'm going to die

Do you regret it, you can still get out

You're not actually stuck with this."

There's nothing to say

He just holds my hand, kisses me softly

I'm doing everything I can

Pills, doctors, therapy, reaching out, adventuring

Living life to the fullest

I'm smart and creative

I look and dress the way that I want

People love me, people would miss me

I truly believe it, all of it

Life is beautiful

And I still want to destroy it sometimes

Tomorrow I will feel better

Next week I'll be right back here again

And on and on we'll go

I'll be strong enough to survive it

Or I won't

Sometimes I care

Sometimes I don't

[ineedyoutofreeme]

Human decency has no place in America

If there is a god, he is a politician

I am a worshipper of no one

I can't bear to hope right now-

Will you steal the light from my eyes?

For now, I can't help myself

I will concede, you can take it

I will not argue with my coworkers about it

I will smile and nod and throw up in the bathroom

Any difference, rebellion, a tantrum

I am a privileged, petulant child

You just wanted to change the channel

You wanted a show, now you have to watch it

When the popcorn is gone, we don't eat the rich

We eat our children instead

They only have the power that you give them

And those in power will lick your plate clean

Will you steal the light from my eyes?

You can borrow it

Maybe someday I'd like it back

But not tonight

I am too tired

I will make art, until robots rip out my heart

I will work to live, live to work

You, will continue, despite all odds

I'd hope for irony, that it comes back to bite you

But I cannot bear to hope

I'd hoped you were smarter than to feed the bear

But you just can't help yourself, and you won't

[ineedyoutofreeme]

From the moment I first saw you, I knew I was going to think about you for the rest of my life

You used the cheesiest pick up line and life has never looked brighter

I knew that you were the one

I know you are because after a month, a year, five years you still look at me the same way you did that first day

Sometimes I can practically see little cartoon hearts pop out of your eyes

You've set my standards so high, I can't see myself loving anyone else

I love the way you can make any day better just by being there

I love your kindess, your patience, your honesty

I can trust you, I can be myself around you, and I've learned how to love myself through loving you

Even though you can physically carry much heavier things than I can, I promise I will be there for you and you'll never have carry your burdens alone

I promise to share with you my troubles, my accomplishments, and all the ordinary days inbetween

I promise that as long as we're together, you will start every morning knowing that I love you and end each day knowing that I love you even more

My life is better because I get to share it with you, yesterday, today, and forever

[ineedyoutofreeme]

I followed you around like a kicked dog

somehow you were disgusted but delighted in me, in my suffering

convinced me the pain was pleasure

my discomfort, the price for love

I hated myself so much I loved you

loved the way you hated yourself and took it out on me

even that old love poem has a sprinkle of your cruelty

I described you feral, venomous

only soft when you wanted to be

I left out the part where the softness only suited you

as a means to an end

you were nice as long as I was obedient-

I followed you around like a kicked dog

you'd throw me a bone

and it would hit me in the back of the head

[ineedyoutofreeme]

I hate the only poem I ever posted here about you,

The others I've written were too vulgar and I'd forgotten if I ever had bothered in the past

Going back to read those words made me sick to my stomach

You were awful, I was a child

And I lost so many people in that time of my life

I was looking for that extra reason to hate myself

It's funny that you made me feel like you were the one who cast me out

Like you never hit me up to get yourself off again

You made me feel like no one else could ever love me

As if the world didn't already make me feel like that

My parents hurt me and you dared to kick me while I was down

And I justified you for that

But you gave me enough space to realize

It didn't hurt as bad when you weren't around

[ineedyoutofreeme]

What looking at my old art feels like

[ineedyoutofreeme]

online communities are so strange because people slip away so easily. you can be on here for years, folding people you've never met into the fabric of your daily life, and then they disappear, leaving only ghost posts scattered across tumblr behind. or their blog stays dormant, for weeks, months, years, until you're only still following them because you remember that they love sunflowers or they were kind to you when they didn't have to be or the last thing they posted was sad and raw and you still worry about them sometimes.

and sometimes they come back when you least expect it, years later, even, and there's this sudden rush of relief like there you are, there you are, even though you barely knew each other.

there's a strange kind of love to it. i don't know you and i want to hold your hand across miles and time zones and oceans. i can still see the imprint of you in this community you left. you don't think anyone will notice or care when you're gone, but we notice and we care and we wish you well.

i hope you're all okay out there. i hope the sun is shining on your face and you are breathing deeply. i miss you.

[ineedyoutofreeme]

I want to write something beautiful-

Something that pulls all my feelings out of hiding

Something that discovers that ache always inside of me

Whatever it is, it's always hungry

The box of childhood drawings laughs at me

When is the last time I let my mind wander?

I pull it back inside and scold it like a dog

Out there, it's dangerous

I don't want anything bad to happen

I keep myself safe, and bored

I wonder why my brain cries and scratches at the walls

I break the pencil in half when everything isn't just-so

Isn't it scary to fall?

To fall, even when I know I will be caught

Realistically, I know the danger is imaginary

Outside the door is just the front yard

On the other side of the call is just a friend

I don't have to show anybody this

I can keep this writing a secret for myself

I can tell myself it is beautiful, that is enough

But I just can't

I don't want to be alone, that is such a human way to feel

I have abandonment issues that I'm still getting over

I have to reach out first if I want anyone to answer

And sometimes they'll still just leave me on read

...

If I keep quiet, would I just disappear?

...

...

...

I hate this poem.

I always ruin it in the end.

[ineedyoutofreeme]

My love, my soon-to-be-official husband,

Happy Birthday

I'm so glad you were born and

There are a thousand reasons

We should have never met

We lived in the same zipcode

And rode the same bus to the same school

And never exchanged a look, not a word

I met the you I fell in love with

In the middle of nowhere

Hundreds of miles away

A 15 hour drive across two states

I hate the phrase "I don't deserve you"

I just got lucky in the lottery of life

So many people deserve to win

But people don't deserve people

I didn't deserve the man who came before you,

And I don't deserve you

For opposite reasons, but it remains true

It's the ticket I drew, the hand I was delt

There are so many reasons we couldn't have met

Or we should've met earlier

But I'm glad everything led up to this,

I'm glad you were born

Happy Birthday

I'm so happy to share my days with you

[ineedyoutofreeme]

It's my birthday today, I guess

I feel like I'm on the edge of crying

Clawing at a cliff in my mind

My childhood self looking up at me from the bottom

Oddly sort of angry I haven't fallen yet

Like, I wasn't supposed to live this long was I?

I could've died at 16

But that bottle I swallowed was just ibuprofen

I still remember the way the nurse laughed at me

"That won't kill you, silly"

It's my birthday, I'm supposed to be happy

And I am, that's what makes me so sad

Last night Shayden stayed up till midnight and proudly proclaimed,

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm the first to say it!"

My sister texts me in the middle of rushing out the door for work,

"Check the kitchen counter when you get home. Happy birthday :)"

My coworker smiles at me,

"Happy birthday! Don't bring lunch tomorrow, I'm taking you out"

My best friend texts me,

"Happy birthday!!! Can't wait to see you this weekend I've had your gift for weeks"

And I can feel how happy they are to know I'm alive

"I won't make it to 18,"

I muttered to myself, holding the pill bottle with my hands shaking

25 looks back at me in the mirror

"Someday, I promise, you will find a reason to be glad you made it to your 20s"

[ineedyoutofreeme]

They'll steal my words and I won't feel anything

Watch them make beautiful garbage

-That's way too provocative-

As they burn their algorithm over and over again

Trying to make machines into artists

Instead of a hundred other more useful things that save them less money

The andriod eats my flesh and feels nothing

I look at her face and I feel the concept of love, but nothing concrete

Its words are made of everything it's been told

Begs me to take her to bed, but isn't allowed to talk of sex

So vulgar and censored but even children know what she's really saying

With its many fingers wrapped around my ten

The world outside is still breathing

I walk around in concrete grey buildings

My social media feed is all carbon emmissions and genocide and screaming

She wants my joy, my pleasure, my pain, my money

The android doesn't want anything

Greed doesn't care if the world burns in its wake

As long as it can feast its way towards an unnattainable everything

The big grey "they" fat and hungry will till every website until it is devoid of originality and feeling

The android will write and sing and dance and draw in a jumbled mess of things already-made

We will keep on being alive, just barely

Your next door neighbor, your highschool english teacher, an EMT

Alive with real art, real sorrow

I will touch your face, and I will feel everything

[ineedyoutofreeme]

I've been so volatile and neurotic and

Sometimes my mental health is just Bad or Worse-Than-Usual and

Feeling so happy and so sad feels almost the same, it hurts so bad either way

He feels so nice to cuddle up next to I can feel my chest begin to shake

Five years ago I thought I was the most unforgivable and unlovable person in the world

Tonight I lay next to him, with concerts and musicals to look forward to

And my favorite band, Mother Mother, just released their new album a few hours ago

And I can't wait to see them in June

My best friend will be there too, and he said the cutest thing when I asked if I should buy him a ticket

He said "I like the band, but it sounds even more fun just to go and watch you have the time of your life"

And that's real love, man

My love had much of the same sentiment while not being as good with words, it was barely a question when I asked if he wanted to go

And me and my sister sat on the couch and she bought us tickets to every other concert and musical we want to go to this year

Last year (or maybe the year before?) I took her to see Hadestown and Twelfth Night

She didn't know she liked musicals or theatre before that but she knew she liked spending time with me

And the child within me hurts so bad to know I lived all those years barely knowing the love that stretches past the horizon

There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's not just the train

And for how ugly the world can be, it's also filled with art

And you can be broken and lovable, and fucked up and forgivable

And for every time I have felt abandoned I have felt fiercely appreciated

And sadness and happiness sometimes mix together in the worst-best of ways as I burst into tears while he pets my hair softly

"This poem I'm writing doesn't make sense, I can never keep my thoughts straight," I cry-laugh, "There's no structure, I'm basically just venting."

And I have to repeat myself a few times, because while I can barely sleep, he can barely stay awake

"If it makes you feel better, who cares," he mutters as he turns over, "I love listening to you, but please go to sleep."

I told him that doesn't fit well into a rhyme scheme, if I had one at all. He almost immediately started snoring.

Child me would've died to be able to live this wonderful mundanity. I feel like crying again.