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but its funny how we hate ourselves but then we see other people hating themselves and we’re like nO NO DONT DO THAT NO

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Pet peeve: People who yelled at you and made you angry but try to joke with you a few minutes later because they can’t stand the atmosphere they created

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damn, Tina!

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Disappointed letter to my grandma

It disappoints me to see someone who I've come to truly respect and admire form opinions and thoughts about a situation you only hear from one person. Granted, that one person is your daughter who you've helped raise, but I hope that's not just a justification for a particular bias towards her. Yes, I understand my siblings and I have more than you could dare imagine providing for your children as they grew up, and more than you think necessary for even now. I know we have a lot, I understand that. Even as my parents provide a lot and do all they can, we are also working hard to provide for ourselves, to support our own needs and desires, while, yes, living at home rent free. Even so, everyone does work full time, and that's grueling work. Some of us have even more tasking jobs than others, but we still aren't trying to skid by in life by riding our parents' wagon and do absolutely nothing. Sometimes the house is less than stellar. According to experience, even when things are cleaned and sometimes one thing is out of place, my parents, mainly my mom will stress out over it and complain we don't pull our slack (or do anything at all sometimes). So many things in her eyes look so pale in accordance to her wants and desires for a house, for children, or for a family in general, and she very much has expressed that throughout our lives by consistently complaining, nit picking, and belittling us. I'm not trying to say we never do anything wrong. I know sometimes we, especially myself, could do more. But even as I have learned, when I would try so hard to 'make her proud' and whatnot, all I ever received was more complaints about how I missed a spot, or I didn't do something the particular way she would've done, and usually I get the speech again about how "she's tired from working and the house looks like a mess and why do we never do anything", thus completely bypassing everything we did try to attend to. Just as she sees that as a failure and a reason to break down about her life and say her kids always stress her out and how she wishes she was gone and alone, how can someone who literally nitpicks and always focuses on the negative or finding something negative, expect us to try any harder to 'satisfy' her? I have other real world experiences with these type of people and I know some, no matter how much you try to help them or do more, they still won't be happy. Now, I'm frustrated and disappointed because as much as I know my mother "complains" or "talks" to you, and probably cries about how hard she tries and has tried and how much she has done, I know that while you understand the hardships of being a mom, I think as a very understanding and usually fairly objective person, it does not make sense to simply agree with her. Granted I don't know the conversations that go about when you two are conversing, but my mom has clearly stated you are completely sickened and tired of our disrespect and spoiled nature. This isn't one sided, and I'm not trying to say 'why are you taking her side' or trying to make sides, but I know you cannot judge a situation, nor people, from just one distressed point of view that has proven to consistently complain and hate her home life regardless of what each of us try or have tried to do. I'm not saying it's 'all her fault'. I know we can do more and I feel bad about not doing more, but even when I've tried to sacrifice a lot to help out, I felt so insignificant and that it didn't matter because I would be berated and ridiculed about something else. Then, whenever my parents decide they're going to lecture us and complain, or even loudly and publicly talk to each other about how ridiculous their children are, but say it's a private conversation sometimes, they expect us to just sit and 'listen' and adhere to their rules. Yes, it is their house. But, as parents, and people in general, you cannot just criticize and chastise others and tell them they aren't allowed to talk back. Every time I have ever 'talked back' or 'gotten defensive' was because I saw their argument as unreasonable and very narrow minded. I used to just sit and 'take it', tearing myself down for everything they ever laid on me as my fault and my seemingly lack of worth in their eyes. They'd say they loved me, yet regretted my existence, or how it's too late to just 'return us' and how their love is 'supposed to hurt' to make our lives better. Then when I realized I am worth more than that, I would 'talk back' because, as I said earlier, I found their argument unreasonable. Usually it has been a focus on what they 'see' or 'don't see' us do, but we have done things that they haven't seen and sometimes they happen to see remnants of a mess we were just about to get to, yet somehow they use it as an argument to justify why they say they 'always' see a mess or 'always see us not do enough'. Maybe you think I'm being unreasonable in my perspective. My sister, Rachel, is a very gentle soul, who tries to work hard and put forth her best foot forward, who tries to go out of her way to get things done and be responsible. Almost always if you ask her to do something she will do it or ask for help, she will do all she can. My mother completely and outright said Rachel has a really bad attitude simply because one moment my mother asked for her to do something and Rachel heaved a bit of a frustrated sigh but still did it. That in no way entails someone having a 'really bad attitude'. That is just the result of someone being a bit frustrated at being asked to do a lot, yet she still humbly did it and didn't create a complaining storm and rage of comments about it at all. If anything, I find that very admirable, that even if she was frustrated, it's not always easy to just 'hide' that, and she simply let out a sigh, but continued on without any actual fuss. Yet, for my mom to use it as her justification for Rachel having this really bad attitude? I didn't find that reasonable at all, in fact it was enraging. Then to belittle Rachel's idea of fulfilling work, which was being a janitor, I found that outrageous also. I believe, if you finish school, wonderful for you, but you don't have to get a job in that field. It is okay if you don't. And if you find something that you feel is enriching and you enjoy it or find it fulfilling, good for you, no matter the income or 'social view' of the job. It is a job that needs to get done and all the more power to someone who actually doesn't mind doing it versus someone who hates it and just goes day to day thinking 'I hate my life'. There is absolutely nothing wrong with liking the job of scrubbing toilets. I personally want to finish school, but I know I thoroughly enjoy my job as a warehouse worker. A lot of people react to that job with a face of disdain and judgment, but I feel it is rewarding in manual labor, my responsibilities to train and handle several important duties. I simply enjoy it. But I have been told by both my parents before that I'm a failure simply because I got pregnant and had a daughter and didn't finish school. There is NOTHING stopping me from finishing school so how does that equate to me being a failure? Because I haven't tried living up to my potential yet? Life isn't always about how much money you make, how 'nice' your job is, or how 'fancy' your degree or schooling is/was. If I find my job fulfilling and it supports me to do what I find fulfilling outside of work, what's wrong with that? The problem with me being considered 'smart' by my parents my whole life has resulted in them consistently making me feel like I had to be perfect and get perfect grades and be in some high social status of a career. They view it as 'good', and yet, when I make very valid points in arguments, they instantly just say 'oh cause you're smart you just think you're perfect' or 'you think you're better than all of us because your smart' but I have never ONCE used my intellect as a basis for invalidating them. They use my intellect against themselves and as a form of belittling what I'm saying. I have never used my intellect as a justification or in their face form of argument. I have always really tried to just use my brain to really think and understand people/situations thoroughly and objectively. It is hard to say anything because they view my elaborating and truly just explaining as just being defiant. Then they're the first to just jump right to a 'mighty' tone and stating 'I'm not perfect. I always apologize. I'm sorry.' Then continue to be hypocritical with double standards, as if that moment of 'humbleness' completely gives them that right to make ridiculous claims and criticisms. I know they aren't perfect and I'm not trying to expect them to be. What I am 'expecting' or hoping from them if for them to be open minded, listen, and be more objective in their reasoning and thoughts before outright staking that we stress them out and never do anything and are completely disrespectful. When someone is treated in such a way though as a child and is being demanded to respect them, how can they truly expect their child to respect them or want to do more to help and be better when the children have simply always felt diminished?

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I'm not attractive enough to be as 'picky' as I am. I don't even consider myself super attractive just decent, so why am I so particular? D:

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I think I just realized that when it comes to a bit of sexual frustration, I can’t tell that to just anyone I know. Hmm I can’t really tell that to anyone I know actually. lol It sounds weird and well...whatever! I definitely don’t want to come across as slutty to people or even myself. The only place where I can just talk about it is really my blog. It’s a bit dumb but whatever. I think most normal human beings have some wants and desires. So what? I’m just admitting to the fact. Does it really matter? No, not really, but that’s why I just post whatever is on my mind or what I’m feeling or my mood here. I just so happen to be in a "wanting" mood is all. That doesn’t mean I’m just going to go find some random guy or any guy or whatever and bang him. Geez no, I have more dignity than that and more respect for myself. I don’t really know if I’m ranting, more so venting. I don’t even know if this could be considered a rant. No…it’s more like just an expression of what I’m feeling. Honestly, I’ve given some (not very serious) thought to well, ‘personal helpers’ or whatever the less vulgar or outright term would be for female self-pleasure products. The thing is that’s really not for me… It’s so fake! The idea of it sounds dumb to me. It's not an actual person, just some object. It’s not the real thing of warmth, sweat, intimacy, and well, it’s just not the real thing. There's a nice experience about sharing pleasure with someone, making them feel good and they help you feel good. I don’t know why I’m talking about this but I personally don’t find it appealing to find pleasure with uhhh an inanimate thing. This was supposed to be a simple post of saying that my hormones are making me feel, well to put it plainly, sexual. Awkward. Haha...

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Why am I becoming like this anti-social introvert? I don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling down about myself and keep thinking mean thoughts, thinking I don’t like people. But I do like people! Is this a phase? Maybe it’s my lack of self confidence right now... T-T

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I think I need to record my thoughts and feelings more... I think it used to do me some good... Or maybe it was the everyday workouts... Hmm

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6 favorite selfies from Zack

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I'm independent

The problem I have sometimes is that I’m more so independent in nature, and do not like to have to take care of anyone or anything that cannot first care for themselves.

This is probably why I much prefer cats to dogs.

This is why if I’m ever in a relationship and a guy can’t make his own phone calls and appointments and talk to important people, I can’t stand it. Or if he can’t cook for himself at least a tiny bit. It especially frustrates me if a guy won’t choose to try to take care of himself more. I’m not saying you have to suddenly drop all junk food, only eat the healthiest of diets and exercise 24/7, but when you never exercise and never eat healthy foods and never drink water? No, I can’t handle that because at the very least TRY to care for yourself in the least bit. I especially can’t handle it if the guy will COMPLAIN about how his body feels weak, and sore if he barely does labor, and that he doesn’t have energy, that he doesn’t get why his body feels so old, etc. Really?? You’re wondering why and complaining when you do absolute jack shit to improve your body/situation if you can do something about it. I do not respect that type of behavior. Nor do I respect if a person will honestly just whine to get what they want or whine for how they’re complaining about what they want. A little whining I understand sometimes and think it can be a bit cute, but that’s easily lost if it’s constant and is just obnoxious. Know when to stop. That goes for a lot of things.

This is why I feel I’m better off not in a relationship. There is a lot of demand in a relationship and sacrifice. It’s spending a lot of quality time bonding with someone and trying to grow with someone and learn. It’s spending time compromising or having some arguments, learning to agree to disagree. It’s a lot of emotion involved too and effort. I’m not saying relationships don’t have fun and really good times, but serious ones come with a price too.

This is why I struggle with being a mom often times still. I’m not a bad mother I feel, but I struggle with committing so much of my time to raising a child and trying to spend time with her and teach her, because I like being out and about, doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, and just have to really care for myself, whether I’m with people or not. Having a child is different because she’s an extension of that I have to give the same if not more care for if I go out or stay at home versus when it’s just me. It’s being patient, it’s cleaning up after someone and feeding them, taking them to the bathroom, and so on. Also a big commitment and responsibility. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy being a mom and being with/having my daughter but I definitely have my struggles that I deal with.

I know my independence sounds selfish, in ways it is selfish, but I know it’s just how I am. I’m not trying to use it as an excuse. I’m just trying to reach an understanding with myself and how I am and who I am, and it’s hard sometimes…. It’s hard to balance myself and my life and others sometimes… It’s hard when I want to be there and help care for people or things and yet I don’t always want to. It’s hard when I want to be a free spirit and yet I want to have a family and be with someone who I enjoy being with. I’m sure I’m not the only one in the world who feels this way. I wish I could articulate this better… This is the struggle of being an independent person.

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Parents That Don’t Want to Buy New Things 💸

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