itdoesart - Tumblr blog

[itdoesart]

Waiting for salvation in sleep...

Anhedonia has taken center stage and I’m waiting for a stage hand to give it the hook. There are no stage hands, though. Just me, watching and waiting and hoping it goes away. Dissipates. Something. Anything. I’ve been having nightmares for a couple weeks, sometimes accompanied by sleep paralysis. I try to scream to get myself out of it, but I’m just frozen. Recently, I had a dream that I was…

[itdoesart]

Houston, we've lost contact...

My brain is detached from my body, somehow, or perhaps it’s just my mind detached from my brain. I’m not sure. Some part of me is floating into the ether or space or something and I can’t reach it. I have no art to share, only ramblings and scrawlings and what not. I have lost insurance, therefore I have lost some of my medication and this brain isn’t handling that very well. Or mind. I’m not…

[itdoesart]

It's been 40 months...

I was triggered, in the PTSD sense of the word, on the 23rd. I have yet to find stability or some semblance of sanity. The 24th was my little brother’s birthday, Jes or Palsie or Jespa (his name is Jes, but Palsie and Jespa are nicknames). He died 40 months ago. He was an excellent pool player, tons of awards/trophies, and wanted to go pro. Died before he could. My plan for his birthday was to…

[itdoesart]

A touch of psychosis...

Sometimes I’m psychotic for days and, once I’m aware, it feels like it will never end. Other days, I’m psychotic for periods of time, but can reality test (typically relying on Jeremy or Joe for that part) and not snap out of it, exactly, but understand that my brain just isn’t working right. Today has been one of those days. Moments here and there, but mostly I’ve been dealing with dissociation.…

[itdoesart]

Part One of Adulting...

I’m not sure if there will be a part two. Just sayin’. Things are a cluster of fudge right now, but I’m sure everything will turn out okay. I hope. I have to hope. There will be an upheaval, or many, in the coming months and I’m just going to try to keep myself together with the reassurance of Jeremy and Joe. The biggest part of adulting today, for me, has been to not only call STEP, but also…

[itdoesart]

To sleep, perchance to...

Draw. Yes, that’s it. Much of my artwork, especially my paintings, come from my experiences while sleeping. Things that I see, am shown, what I should do, sometimes I’m lucid, sometimes I’m not. Anyway, dreams are a massive influence. For a bit over a week, I became stuck in sleep. I don’t know how many hours per day I slept, but I know I was asleep more than I was awake. Tonight, though, I’m…

[itdoesart]

A working brain...

I’m feeling somewhat nostalgic lately, so I decided to dive into some old sketchbooks and look at old files on my computer. Bad idea? Yep, sure was. Part of my frustration with doing that is I look at previous work and ask myself “Did I make that? How the fuck did I make that?” because I have poor-to-no-memory or ability to retain many things. I look at a painting I did and have no idea what…

[itdoesart]

Blood is thicker...

My blood is thick, pumping through me like molasses. I can feel it, struggling to move through my veins, desperate to keep me alive. As desperate as I am. Things are getting better. I talked to my pdoc and tdoc and yeah. Still, my blood is heavy and thick and struggling. There is a light at the end, I spot it. It made me think of a drawing I did. I called it “I will try not to breathe…” and…

[itdoesart]

Perhaps a bit of discomfort...

I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, ever. I enjoy comfort and enjoy helping people be comfortable. However, I thought perhaps we can talk about something that’s uncomfortable to talk about. Something that has affected me greatly throughout my life and heavily influences my work, whether the viewer realizes it or not (please note: it’s not the *entirety* of my work, just an…

[itdoesart]

Still working on him. Thinking about adding flowers at some point. . . . #wip #art #drawing #sketch #itdoesart #dreag #rock #papermate #graphite #fabriano #hotpress (at Raleigh, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cnuvci-vmG1/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itdoesart]

The beginning of something I've been meaning to do for a very long time: A portrait of a nice guy. . . . #art #portrait #sketch #drawing #itdoesart #dreag #papermate #fabriano #rock https://www.instagram.com/p/CnpkUEuv7-g/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itdoesart]

They're sitting here, open, screaming at me to be used and it's overwhelming. I miss the grit and the discomfort of holding them, but the comfort of blending with my fingers, making that grit finer and finer, til it's like the softest part of cremains and the colors turn into unnatural clouds. Maybe toss some watercolor in there. Idk. Let's see what happens. . . . #art #pastels #nupastels #prismacolor #lost #blankcanvas #blankmind #longing #itdoesart #dreag #jdreag #whatshouldido #flashingideas #florals #nudes #getbacktonature #ideas (at Garner, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnWTDG9O7Ee/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itdoesart]

But the fly...

But the fly…

Slow. I’m moving slowly. Slower every day. I catch myself going too fast and I say to myself, like the bunny in the back of the car meme “slow the fuck down!” so I move slower. Slow, slowly, and then slower. I catch my steps, my physical steps. “Slow down” I say to myself. The fly, though, the fly keeps flying. The fly has been here for days. It buzzes by, a house fly, one of those big ones…

[itdoesart]

Untitled Document...

Untitled Document…

Better days are unknown. Historically, when I’m starting to go downhill, I talk about it a bit. When things are bad, I mention it, perhaps in passing. When they get worse, I mention it, perhaps in passing. When they get S level, I no longer know what to say because I’ve already said it. The flares have already been fired and are dying out. The arms are tired of waving, so they fall limp to my…

[itdoesart]

My depression? Super high....or super deep. I don't know. It's bad, yo. HOWEVER, the book arrived today. So, I will be curled up, still wearing Sunday's "trying to feel better" makeup and clothes, unbrushed, unwashed, and reading. May also indulge in a soup bowl full of wine since I also haven't done dishes. . . . #art #artcritic #jerrysaltz @jerrysaltz #books #read #newbook #newbooksmell #ididntbiteityet #thebookimean (at Raleigh, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/CkcS8XsLqd0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itdoesart]

#wip that is annoying me, so I cut his feet off. . . . #art #drawing #itdoesart #dreag #graphite #figure #missingparts (at Raleigh, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj3yFOnPtZk/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itdoesart]

I want it to be done, but I'm not sure yet. Signed it anyway because it's how I roll. . . . #art #itdoesart #jdreag #dreag #pastels #watercolor #bristol #callalily #flower #ikindoflikeit #ikindofhateit (at Raleigh, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cj1DiJUPmll/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=