itsbluetoulouse

[itsbluetoulouse]

i hope you fall in love with being alive

i hope you fall in love with being alive they said, but everyday my footsteps get a little bit harder to drag just for a walk

i hope you fall in love with being alive they said, but most night i feel like it's getting darker and darker and my eyes are wide open but it's unclear

i hope you fall in love with being alive they said, but my heart hurts every time i think about tomorrow, the possibilities, the what ifs, the uncertainty

i hope you fall in love with being alive they said, but people around me don't know how to say i love you and that's a pity i will always have

i hope you fall in love with being alive they said, but i think it will happen someday, eventually, when the skies are no longer dark, and the rain doesn't make my heart ache anymore or when the sleep getting more hours and hours and my heart beats steadily. i really hope you fall in love with being alive.

[itsbluetoulouse]

falling out love is weird. like, you slowly chewing your gum just because you’re afraid the sweet taste of the gum will be vanished very soon. bad analogy, i know. but my mind could care less.

“you don’t think i can be tired?”

“you know i can’t run, right?

do you think it was December when you’ve decided that i should wear a pink coat to a dinner? i can’t recall.

i usually saw you running by yourself, wearing the jet black Airpods on both of your ears, sweating like a bear, and i could hear your muscle screams from afar.

but this time you’re not wearing your track pants nor the sleeveless shirt. the Airpods are there, still on. until i see someone approaches you and greet your cheeks.

then, i run too.

[itsbluetoulouse]

in a world where everything and anything can happen

a girl just want her heart to be sharpen

better than a point of a blade

wearing a smile while doing a charade

the facade was weak as hell but she celebrate

visually in hues of red and yellow but it’s all inadequate

having no pain is an amen

your heart broken is a spend

life however must extend

[itsbluetoulouse]

i am more of a words person rather than anything. i appreciate words in any forms and meanings. when i overthink i write words. when i underthink i read words. my love for words is immense. sometimes i stumbled into some great words in every places and corners, and i can’t help but let those words slid in to my heart. sometimes they leave. and sometimes they stay for a really long time. those who stayed help me create myself. and those who didn’t, help me to untangled the mess in my head.

i would dare to say that i’ve been in love with words since i’m fourteen. when i still think about which skirts should i wear to play with my friends. when i’m still obsessed with Alex Russo and her maroon-colored shaft of wand. to say i’m lucky is understatement. but i am. i am lucky to be in love with words. i’m less lost in this big world if only for a little. and i’m forever grateful for that.

[itsbluetoulouse]

I have lived for more than twenty years. I’ve been a blessing. I’ve been a lesson. I’ve been a burden. I’ve been a miracle. I’ve been a mistake. I’ve been everything. To each their own.

This is my gratitude in the form of a letter. To everyone who were kind and still is kind to me. To everyone who were always lending a hand. More than that to those who wronged me. Who made me challenge the life itself. Made me closer to my creator. I choose to send kisses to you rather than have animosity in me.

I have lived for more than twenty years. I’m very grateful to be here. With myself. Surrounded by people I treasured. Loved by the love itself.

I have lived for more than twenty years. And i’m full of joy knowing I will have to live this life without any remorse in my heart.

[itsbluetoulouse]

I used to dream about us. Having a lemonade cake on our wedding. You wear your black tuxedo and I wear purple dress.

I used to dream about us. Planning on two but got three kids instead. Perfect combo.

I used to dream about us. Walking on a seashore with our kids in our hands. Screaming internally to the ocean that you love this moment.

I used to dream about us. Not fighting over small things and don’t get tired with each other.

I used to dream about us. You would gladly tell me what’s on your mind without me asking first.

I used to dream about us. Reality has been cruel. I finally can escape from the dreams.

[itsbluetoulouse]

An Open Letter to All of You; If I Die Young

If I die young, don’t pity me.

Don’t go weeping on my funeral and say, “Poor girl. She’s still young,” for I’ve lived enough, laughed enough, loved enough, cried, burnt with passion, in despair, regret, kissed, hugged, and danced just enough.

I avoid thousands of possibilities of suffering and uncertainty that life could offer.

Don’t pity me.

Sing mariachi songs, dance a happy dance, wear your best clothes, raise a toast; “here is for the death!,” then talk about life in a most amusing way. Don’t go a thousand miles to my funeral. Don’t wait until I’m decaying, talk to me now, weep to me now, cherish our memories and moments now, reminisce now.

The value-judgment of death may make it sound bad, but it’s actually a friendly friend.

[itsbluetoulouse]

stuck with u

So, go ahead and drive me insane. Baby, run your mouth, I still wouldn't change. All this lovin' you, hatin' you, wantin' you. I'm stuck with you, stuck with you, stuck with you.

Cheap bears on the table, along with a leftover pad thai and dumplings. Knees stuck on the couch, managing the raging breath. The background sound of Saturday Night Live is still playing, but their heartbeats are more louder.

“You know,” eyes filled with glass-kinda liquid looking at the man in front of her, “I never tell you this, but,” finger crossing behind the nape of his, teeth digging into her bottom lips, “I’m so happy.”

“Like, you, I mean, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Not gonna lie that is so cheesy but, uh, it’s true. You, umm, fuck, thank you. For the lot of things that you were going through for me. I didn’t think I deserve all of this, but...thank you.”

The girl smiles so wide, the corner of her lips almost touch hear ears. This time, she is not hesitating. It’s precise.

“You make me the happiest, you know that?”

The man’s lips mirroring her. Eyes almost filled with stars staring back at the girl. Then, his finger starts to tighten on her back. Bring her closer until they’re foreheads meet. The second the girl feels something warm agains her plums, the liquid in her eyes sliding down her cheeks. But, their smile still lingers, blinding each other eyes with such an endearing feeling.

They have gone through a lot to make this happen. Heart slit into pieces in the process. Trying so hard to avoid deaths with all of the energy left. And it’s worth it because it works. The man didn’t need to say it out loud, because the girl had known. She knows. The man has been having a hard time because of her, and she definitely relieved he still lingers around her till this day. She didn’t need to hear those words from him. I mean, look at the man. He looks at her like she hang the fucking stars for him. But she didn’t surprise at all when she heard the words coming from his lips.

“I know.”

[itsbluetoulouse]

hurt is when you feeling lost and you have nowhere to go even when you’re already home, you still have nowhere to go

       ; life is unfair, what’s new?

maybe because i read too much but i feel weird like i have two different world live inside my mind. half of them is practically dancing with the clouds and another is having its feet stuck on the ground

my mind flies easy, as easy as to flutter

easily open and easily get torn down 

       ;fantasy is excellent, great even, however imagination is terrifying

[itsbluetoulouse]

Trista Mateer, "Baggage", from Honeybee

[itsbluetoulouse]

perihal darah diatas tanah semua yang padam akan meriah

jerut ditaburkan lebih ke parasan perut bumi pun penuh dengan pekikan

banyak awak tidak ada pun suara lazimnya  itu semua karena cedera

que sera sera (whatever will be, will be)

[itsbluetoulouse]

Winter in the Nucleus

Been feeling a lot of things lately. Been discovering a lot of feelings too. Some say it’s just a part of growing up. Some say there’s something wrong with the heart.

Didn’t get excited with anything lately. Didn’t get sad out of sudden too. Some say it’s just a part of growing up. Some say there’s something wrong with the mind.

Not letting anyone know what’s happening inside lately. Nor did I tell people about it. Some say it’s just a part of growing up. Some say “you shutting people out won’t help anything.”

“Are you okay?” One said.

“Yeah.” I exhale. “Yeah, I think.”

[itsbluetoulouse]

not everyone has the same heart as you. so, don’t be surprised if you ever faced something that not sit right with you or hurt you because not everybody created to please you. life is already hard, don’t make it complicated.

also, you always think that people hurt you. whether it’s intentionally or not. but, do you ever feel that maybe you’re the one who is actually hurting someone? or anyone? or people? maybe it’s the slightest different between one color and another. but for sure it’s still different. so what makes you think that it doesn’t hurt someone the way you think it hurts you?

[itsbluetoulouse]

The thing about expectation is, they really can let you down in a second because the truth may come more bitter the next split second and oh and oh you never thought it would happen.

[itsbluetoulouse]

She is not going to put it into poet or poem,

She just going to let it be, whatever it is

She is going to take a deep deep breath,

She doesn’t want to die at young age

But her heart is already at risk

She knows all along it hurts

She know it does.

[itsbluetoulouse]

If loving you was too much, then I don’t know how to be enough.

[itsbluetoulouse]

when you’re laying in

your bed thinking

about him, he probably

in her bed sleeping

 when you wake up

tomorrow morning

the breeze hit you

like a wave while

he is as warm as a glass

of brandy with her

laying beside him

 when you go to work

you probably going to

rant about how your

car won’t start easily like

usual while he’s kissing

her forehead for work

 while you’re crying in

the bathroom after

you work, he probably

drinking wine with her

on his lap listening to

some jazz music