itsokaytobenotokayyy

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

Ruth Madievsky, All-Night Pharmacy

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

Will I as a person never be calm. I don't wanna live like this.

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

Title: Navigating the Storm Within 🌪️

Hey Tumblr fam,

Just a heart-to-heart post about the whirlwind of emotions I've been wrestling with lately. Anxiety and depression have become unwelcome companions, making it a struggle to escape the clutches of the past and the uncertainty of the future.

I'm at a crossroads facing one of the biggest changes in my life, and it's both confusing and terrifying. The apathy is overwhelming, and everyone seems to think it's just a matter of laziness, but it's so much more than that.

I'm yearning for simplicity, for the calm of just being lazy instead of drowning in a sea of emotions every day for the past three months. Hoping against hope that things will change, but in the same breath, fearing that maybe this is my new normal.

The well-intentioned advice and psychoanalysis from others only add to the weight, and the pressure to conform to what they think I should do is suffocating. Sometimes, all I need is understanding rather than solutions.

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

Tell me. What do I do? I love him. Loved him since 7 years. I cant make up the courage to ask him. I already did once 7 years ago, but I was so young and we passed it off as me being immature. But I still do.

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

“I want to calm down, to rest, to outlive this nonsense.”

— Anne Sexton, from a letter to Dennis Farrell written c. June 1962

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

I need a sign from God and not some wishy washy vague shit I need a vision beamed directly into my brain with clear instructions please and thank you

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

In the cocoon of my school days, the world seemed perfect—a vast, hopeful expanse viewed through the safety of a closed glass house. Now, released into the open, I find myself yearning for the sanctuary I once knew. Reality is a harsh contrast to the dreamy ideals of my past; the world, once promising, now elicits feelings of resentment. Life's complexities overwhelm me, and I yearn to close the door on this newfound exposure.

The optimism I once held has waned, replaced by a disdain for reality, revealing that my perception was crafted from imagination. The open door, once a symbol of liberation, now feels like a source of fear and discomfort. I grapple with the paradox of wanting to retreat while battling the inevitable force of change.

In my apprehension, I reject conventional wisdom that life is meant to be a certain way. Fear predates experience, and I dread the unknown—people, places, and even the once-beloved aspects of life. It feels like a struggle, perhaps exacerbated by a sense of laziness, and the prospect of a tougher future looms. Yet, in this abyss, I find no compelling dreams to ignite my soul.

To achieve, they say one must passionately desire a goal. But what if that passion is elusive? How does one navigate life when there's no burning aspiration to pursue? The path forward appears obscured, and the question lingers, begging an answer yet to be discovered.

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

i’m in a good place (my room) but i’m also not in a good place (deep physical and psychological suffering)

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

I love doing nothing, what I don't love is the inevitable overthinking that comes with doing nothing

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

Chapter 1: A Heart's Confession

In the quiet corners of my heart, there exists a love that has woven itself into the very fabric of my being. It began at the tender age of 14, an age when innocence still shielded me from the complexities of romance. He, the subject of my affection, arrived like a gentle breeze in the stillness of my life, and from that moment, I knew I had found my first love.

All my prior infatuations and schoolyard crushes paled in comparison to the depth of feeling he stirred within me. With each passing day, my love for him grew, an all-consuming fire that made my cheeks blush and my heart race. I had transformed into a hopeless romantic, a dreamer who indulged in wild fantasies of what might be.

Our journey began with simple conversations, but those exchanges sowed the seeds of a profound connection. I couldn't have foreseen when infatuation transitioned into the profound sentiments of my first love. His messages became the highlights of my day, and I couldn't help but obsess over every word he uttered.

As I ventured deeper into this uncharted territory of emotions, I confess I became a fool in love. I often disturbed him with my relentless attention, but he, in his infinite patience, bore the weight of my affection. I sometimes wonder if he ever grew weary of my constant presence, but I was blinded by my infatuation.

My days revolved around him, his presence my morning sun and nighttime moon. The anticipation of his replies became a source of inexplicable thrill. And even when he took his time to respond, I clung to the hope that one day he'd recognize the depth of my feelings, though I had never revealed them to him.

In my foolishness, I prematurely confessed my love. Thankfully, he gently declined, a rejection for which I'm now grateful. I lacked the maturity then to navigate a relationship. I might have made a complete fool of myself. Still, my heart remained tethered to him, and I continued to obsess, yearning for any chance to see him.

I persistently urged my friends to take me to places where I might catch a glimpse of him, to moments where we might accidentally cross paths. Our late-night calls and messages filled me with an indescribable rush, making me yearn for more. Slowly, I learned to suppress my emotions, becoming a true friend who celebrated his birthdays with heartfelt gifts, striving to make him feel special.

Encounters with him, whether fleeting or extended, ignited my heart with emotions so intense that I sometimes thought I would explode from the sheer intensity. There were moments when my feelings grew overwhelming, and I wished he were committed, for the thought of his love being shared with another pained me deeply.

But then, one day, I discovered that he was in love, and I was left in the shadows of unrequited affection. Surprisingly, I didn't shed tears, though my emotions remained bottled up. I continued to love him from afar, my heart racing every time I glimpsed him.

Life moved on, and I, too, withdrew into my own world. We spoke occasionally, but not as frequently as before. I yearned to see if he considered me a friend and if he would take the initiative to reach out. My desire to see him initiate contact led to extended periods of silence, where I patiently waited for his messages.

I became increasingly busy with exams, all the while nursing the sadness of my unrequited love. I had no qualms about loving again, but my heart remained loyal to its first love. Then, one day, he confided that he had ended his previous relationship. The joy and hope that surged within me were undeniable.

But as we rekindled our friendship, my old worries resurfaced. Would they get back together? In those moments, I was a staunch optimist, a stark contrast to my current self. Our conversations resumed, but I noticed they gradually dwindled. I began to overthink, trying to decipher the reason for his distant behavior.

And then, on his birthday, I saw a quote posted by his ex, a quote that shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. I realized I had been foolish to hope too much. I questioned why I had spent time with a committed man, even if it was purely platonic and friendly. My love for him blinded me to the reality of the situation.

So, I withdrew from him completely. However, one year later, fate brought us back together, all due to an unknown message of mine. Our conversations resumed, deeper and more meaningful than ever before. Perhaps it was because I had matured and gained a better understanding of life and love.

But here I am, trapped once again, at the worst stage of my life, clinging to my first love as if he were a lifeline. I find myself drawn to him like a moth to a flame, desperately hoping for his affection. My peace has been found at the cost of losing it all over again because I don't know if he will ever love me in return.

It has been six long years, but the depth of my affection remains unchanged. I'm aware that he rejected me back then because I was too young, and now, I wonder if I am simply not attractive enough. Despite the years that have passed, my love for him remains unwavering.I realized long ago that I will continue to love him completely, truly, and irrevocably for years, leaping at any chance for love and affection from him. I will continue my love until someone actually loves me with equal fervor of mine such that I am forced to forget my first love. And however disgusting it sound a part of my heart would always get elated at his thoughts or memories or glance. Even if I come to love someone else in the future, a part of my heart would always elate at the mere thought, memory, or glimpse of him, no matter how disgusting that might sound. I heard somewhere that you can never completelt get over your first love.

But the thought of him with someone else, sharing moments with another, is a pain I can't bear. I wonder why I'm unlovable. I love him, and you might call it "mohabbat," but he has become my "ishq." I know I can continue, but that's only as long as he's single. If I ever discover he's in love with someone else, I might shatter, because I love him – I have loved him since I was just 14.

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

In the depths of despair, you find yourself lost,

Once full of dreams, now at a heavy cost.

Life's purpose, a riddle, ever-changing it seems,

A month ago, you danced with hopes and gleams.

Reality, a mirror, reflects a different view,

Twice you've quit, as expectations grew askew.

Your dreams, once vibrant, now a fading stream,

A part of you withers, lost in the extreme.

Alone in the shadows, you silently dwell,

No purpose, no direction, a desolate spell.

Fear clouds your vision, and trauma takes its toll,

Invisible shackles, holding your heart and soul.

Facing people becomes a daunting quest,

Afraid of tomorrow, the future's a test.

But remember, dear soul, in the darkest night,

Stars still twinkle, there's a glimmer of light.

Though joy eludes you in life's mundane stride,

A path to healing can be found inside.

Break free from the loop of negative thought,

Seek the guidance and support you've long sought.

Find solace in small things, let healing begin,

Embrace each moment, let the past fade within.

Aim for self-love, let self-compassion lead,

In time, you'll find love for life, indeed.

It's okay to be lost and not have a clue,

In the journey of life, you'll rediscover you.

With patience and courage, your spirit will mend,

In time, your purpose and dreams will ascend.

[itsokaytobenotokayyy]

having so much love in your heart is beautiful and amazing right up until you’re alone in your bedroom clutching at your chest and whimpering like a wounded dog