iwritebadthings

[iwritebadthings]

I keep Defending Elon Musk and he still wont Tweet back at me. I thought we were friends. I'm his son.

Every day I wake up and check my twitter for my Father. No not my actual father but the father I always wanted. His name is Elon Musk. Everyday I wake up and feel my thunder. I think about the electrical spark of a Tesla firing off like neurons of my brain. My father is on my mind. My father at one point went to the grocery store. He said he was getting milk, cigarettes, store made cake, breads, gum, cheap wine, shrimp, various non sponsored foods we could easily use the microwave for, and tea. He never came back.

My father sometimes sends me emails and texts. I don’t respond. He isn’t a billionaire. I don’t know where he lives or what he does now. I have no time to give to a father who couldn’t come back home to drop off the grocery's let alone become a billionaire. I have another father though and that is all that matters. I check my phone. It is twitter waiting for me. Elon Musk. Elon fucking Musk is the man. He is the father I’ve always wanted and needed. I look across my pictures. It was his kids but they had missing faces. My eight of his kids were now me. This wasn’t weird because I know I’d be a better kid than his kids. He’d actually want to spend time with me. We could tweet together. We could fight Bill Gates together. We could comb his hair as in the mirror. I could kiss his forehead and say daddy Elon love me. I could talk to Grimes on the phone when Elon gets tired. The amount of things I could do is endless! 

No, no, no he doesn’t look at me though. Everyday I get on twitter and fight checkmarks. I get in the comment sections of articles and fight anon accounts willing to say the worst things like “Dude hug one of your eight kids,” or “Why did you first person x at Tesla,” or “You’re a piece of sh1T.”

It is a thankless job. Elon Musk doesn’t pay me. I do this for free! He is a billionaire and the least he could do is help me out. Respond to me. I’m your biggest fan Elon. I’m your biggest fan. Telling people to stay poor and build your own billionaire company is incredibly hard to do alone without a father figure. I need you. Please respond. I’m your son. I promise. I’m the ninth. I hope he sees this article. 

xoxo to the dad I never had but could.

[iwritebadthings]

10 Proof God Doesn’t Exist

God is a hard pressed lemonade sold on every street corner but an adult who will act like a child when you say no thank you. That being said I made a hardy list in order to argue with you that of course again god does not exist. Here is why.

I don’t have a ps5 yet. If god was real I’d have a ps5 because every night between thinking about how fucking lonely I am and how horny I am the ps5 swings upon me like a Spiderman. Where is my ps5 god? Where is it?

The moon hasn’t smashed into earth yet. I know god is fake because if he was real he would’ve launched the moon into earth. Everyday someone is suffering. Everyday someone is making money off of war or scalping a ps5 or threatening to genocide someone or something. If god was real they’d smash the moon into earth because we’ve had a good run. Jesus didn’t die so someone could write 30 articles on Medium about how Yoga could make your butthole tighter with Tucker Carlson in the background.

If God was real then why does Netflix keep cancelling the shows I like? Where is the third season of OA. It’s called ORIGINAL ANGEL for a reason. Netflix how dare you. I’ll sign up with a cancelled credit card. I dare you try to charge me. I can’t even pay! I can’t even pay! I can’t! PAY!

God isn’t real because they won’t show up here. I’ve yelled at the sky several times now. I’ve shaken my fist at the sky. I’ve talked seductively at the sky. I’ve dressed up in drag doing a dance and lip synced for my life. Nothing. No voice came. No signs. I didn’t see chalk start writing upon the sidewalk. It was nothing. If god was real how come they didn’t respond to my text. 

God isn’t real because MEN WON’T LOOK AT ME. I MADE MYSELF LOOK GOOD TODAY.

If god was real then why do we have so much suffering. I’m suffering. My neighbor is probably suffering. My cousin decided to be a child and I call that suffering. Someone came up with the word suffering. The dictionary is long and anything with that many words is suffering. Suffering. Eating an apple with IBS. Now, that’s what I call suffering. 

I know God isn’t real because writing is hard. Having to come up with ten cogent well thought out ideas is incredibly hard. Do you think I’m actually going to debate over a godly being I can’t see who can emulate whatever knowledge you do or don’t know in a book you’ll translate and consume in whatever way that justifies your ideas? No, I want a ps5 and to feel a little less lonely with friends and possibly a LOVER. GOD WHERE IS MY LOVER.

God can’t be real because if God was real then they’d make sure Monday was the day we all relaxed including the rest of the week. 

If God existed more people would be gay.

I just want a ps5.

[iwritebadthings]

Stay Away from the Books well trying to buy Milk

Milk? Milk? Milk? I stood at the glass. It was a sea of milk behind glass. It was all waiting. I really wanted the milk. I ran out of it so I had to race to the grocery store. So many kinds of milk. I was anticipating trying to look at each one and try to find what was the one I needed. Then I noticed him. A man. A person. They showed up like a shadow does as the sun falls but instead we were in a poorly lit dairy area of the milk place.

“You should be careful,” he said. 

He was a dusty older person. I was trying not to judge because I’m at the store trying to buy milk. The fashion contest was suppose to happen later.

“I’m sorry, about the milk?” I replied with diligence and grace.

“No, not the milk.”

“So, the milk is okay,” I replied because I really needed milk. That was why I was here. Otherwise why would I be at the store if I didn’t need milk?

“The books,” he replied.

I could tell he was nervous. He had a little sweat on his upper brow. He had a few stray hairs in the no mans land above the bridge of his nose. They were pesky and I’d always notice them in any reflection once I was out and about. It was as if the hairs were able to hide. “But I need milk,” I replied.

“This isn’t about the milk.”

“So the milk is alright then? I’ve checked the expiration date.”

“Yes the milk should be fine, I’m sure but the books.”

“I don’t need books.”

“well I don’t know if you’re like me but I’m just warning you.”

“Warning me about the books?” I said this well looking at the milk. I was up at the glass as if the milk was fish. If only it was easy as tapping on the glass for them to show me their expiration dates. 

“No you fool,” he said harshly.

I noticed the pool of sweat running down his face now. His body was crying. The books must of been really bothersome. Oh, yes the books and not the milk. 

“What about these books?”

“If you’re conservative don’t go over there.”

“A what?”

“What?” he replied.

“I don’t know what that is.”

“What, what is?”

“Conser- conservi, conservative,” I said it almost injuring my jaw. It came out like a dry whiplash. The sun was placing its palm in my mouth. Was was this feeling? Was I being punished? Did I just say a slur? I need milk not slurs.

“Yes, what about it.”

“I don’t know what that is.”

“How do you not know- what. Stay away from the books!”

“Okay-” I said this as he hurried away from me and I was just looking at the milk but the idea of books was sitting with me like the therapist I have yet to get. What is a book? They sell books at the milk store? I guess maybe I’ll check out the books. Maybe one of the books will be about milk? I moved like a lumbering fool full of imaginary milk I had yet to consume.

I could already see it. The store wasn’t fancy nor hiding anything. It was a tiled semi dirty floor with tungsten lighting. The isles looked like sad eyes but instead of hiding secrets you could see the chips overly stocked smashed together ready to be placed in a bowl for brunch. 

“These are books?” I said this outload as if I was making casual conversation but no one was around. This is what they’d say or someone would say “Joe Bidens America am I right?” which I also said this with no one around. I don’t know who Joe Biden is but he sounded like a Nascar racer or something.

Then I was making eye contact with the books. They were travel magazines to sports illustrated to various popular books that I thought were cancelled like Harry Potter. Crazy, Harry Potter was still around even though I was told it had been removed via lightning from something called a lib. The boy who lived or something like that. It only took a few seconds though and my vision was becoming strange.

“Harry?” I said with a bit of spit coming down my chin. I touched my chin looking down as if I could see my chin making eye contact with my fingers. Sticky mucus. I looked up again at the books. Oh, is this what he was talking about? My heart was racing. Oh, no. IS this. All the books had men on them. 

“What is going on!!!” I started to scream. “AHHHHHH,” I grabbed book after book opening each of them up and flinging them. Cocks and butts were everywhere. “Harry Otter and the Sources Bone!” I YELLED. “WHERE THE SPERM WILL GO!? WHAT IS THIS?” I was covered in sweat flinging my body around like a dancer. I had no ability to control myself. Then I’d die. The agenda had me. I was converted. I was craving the cocks, penis, ass and hole. I was doomed.

I was sitting on a bench next to an old lady. I was overly dressed waiting for the bus. She was taking in my story. Her eyes were slightly looking upward towards the blue sky. I was waiting for her to respond.

“So you’re telling me, a stranger that the books converted you,” she said.

I nodded my head.

“Really?” she said. “You sure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Sounds like you’re just gay. Be gay. Be gay,” she said getting out a cigarette. “You’ll be happier.” 

Then that’s when I realized I was just horny the entire time!

[iwritebadthings]

100 Things Will Smith Could've slapped instead of Chris Rock

Will Smith slapped for love so I’m slapping this ever older topic with my long E.T fingers. Should you slap someone? No, probably not. I wouldn’t recommend it. Often slapping someone tends to make things worse but that being said lets pretend what else he could’ve slapped if it was limitless.

Hitler

The Editorial Board of (any news organization)

Hillary Clintons need to be heard

Whoever said Pelosi should write a poem

Donald Trumps Ass

Superman

Isis

The KKK and the fashion director

Sith

Mosquitoes

people at the gym who sit on their phone not using the machine

Josh Hawley as he put his fist up on January 6th

Milo Yiannopoulos to make him gay again

Dick Cheney

Elden Lord Bosses I can’t beat (all of them)

George RR Martin so he will write faster

The Lich King

Elon Musk’s Bank account so we can all pick up the money off the ground like peasants

The primordial earth 

All the dinosaurs

Ted Bundy 

Anyone who wrote a letter to Ted Bundy

Putin

Racism formed into an evil god

Richard B. Spencer after he was already punched

Jesus but the slap brings him back to life

The concept of war

Journalists who want nuclear war

Glenn Greenwald every time he says the word Russia

Tucker Carlsons home windows so he has to spend hours cleaning

Godzilla

Maxine Waters for shoving and murdering Michael Tracey

Transphobia

The world of Harry Potter

Disneyland Prices

The homophobia out of Dave Bronson of Anchorage Alaska

Winter

The gay need to take a selfie

Kanye West each time he complains about Kim

Remixed music that only adds clapping

Pregnancy pictures 

Kathy Griffin so she has another story to share

The American forefathers 

Chris Rock again

The Rock and Vin Diesel well they fight

The Shark from Jaws

Cheeks

The beat for any song

God

Chris Rocks shadow self

Lactose Intolerance

The Poor

The Rich

Willow Smiths hand because her music career is fantastic

The walls of a house where the Ghost Adventures bros are walking around being scared

Another comedian with a bad joke

The ninth cup of coffee out of someone's hand

Naraku’s decapitated head after he tries to flee in battle

Alex Jones really thick neck

Meat 

Tim Pool’s beanie

Captain America’s Ass

Chris Evans Ass

Thanos

The Marvel Universe to end it all

Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle

Adam Carolla for every bad joke

Julius Caesar after he was stabbed

Someone in need of cpr 

Independence day alien ship

Abusive League of Legend players

Britney Spears Dad

Medusa 

Zeus 

Cher after she says do you believe in life after love

someone who won’t wake up after their alarm goes off

The Terminator 

Jay Z for thinking even for a second he should cheat on Beyoncé

U2 for putting an album on everyone's phone

Nicki Minaj cousin in Trinidad to help his balls

Lorne Michaels for every bad snl sketch which is most of them

Corporations that advocate for the gays and then donate to people who would alt delete them

Secretly gay republicans who use glory holes

The opponent in the new Olympic slapping sport

Marsha Blackburn’s hair

Devimon in digimon for each pun made

people who steal memes

NFT People

Scammers of NFT

People who ignore the scamming of NFT

NFT celebrities  

Anyone who says they are “just asking questions” as they push conspiracy theories and not actually try to answer the question

The chess game you’re losing

Martha who is being racist to the waiter after church

Lucifer

The governments incredibly slow process of getting anything done

Santa for giving you coal every Christmas 

The Gym crush for not crushing you

E.T

Will Smith

[iwritebadthings]

I'm sorry I tweeted that. I fell down the stairs and was drinking and on Ambien.

I’m really sorry I tweeted that stupid thing that might be (racist, sexist, misogyny, transphobic homophobia, insensitive, ableism or whatever) because I fell down the stairs and was drinking. I also was on an Ambien. I had been getting only five hours of sleep and sometimes even three hours. I got into several arguments with family members. Several people were mean to me so I had to tweet with rigorous vengeance. Tweeting isn’t serious so I meant no harm. I’m a dummy. Is that a defense? I’m a writer not a sensitive thinker. My father didn’t hug me enough. My mother didn’t say she loved me ever and that’s why I tweeted that. My finger slipped. My entire hand typed something out I didn’t mean to type out and then send. I didn’t mean to hit send because I meant to delete it but I will defend that I tweeted it because free speech? Free speech is the key question here and statement. I have a freedom to tweet and you have a freedom to not critique me. If I apologize and then take it back will it make everyone happy?

I didn’t mean to tweet my very correct opinion.

Leave me alone because I really did mean it.

I’m sorry you’re offended.

I’m so sober god is telling me to have some wine.

I’m now joining a university for cancel culture because you can’t handle my (insert horrible whatever it is tweet) and I hate that you hate it.

I don’t block people because I get paid six figures.  Yes, you might notice that I am in fact blocking tons of people but that’s because they are really wrong and I don’t have the time to debate every single person who makes below six figures. It is part of my free speech to mute and block you. If god blocked you I think you’d also feel some form of acknowledgement by a higher power.

Okay, now I’m submitting this to New York Times.

[iwritebadthings]

How to be RICH: Have Rich Parents.

One key way to being rich is being born with rich parents so lets explore this concept and how to do it.

Now this is a hard issue to solve because many of us will in fact be born to people that love us very much and some who don’t and they all could be and probably are poor. Some will have some money maybe but not the amount of money we NEED. How much do we NEED? Does the word infinite mean anything to you?

This is why it is important to be born to incredibly rich parents. Imagine, you are born and you see your mothers eyes and they are like gold sparks as she wires you a future of infinite possibilities. You could go to private school. You’ll learn to fuse with the symbiote of technology. You’ll be playing god amongst the poor and doing hunger games. You’ll be Ariana Grandes best friend and telling her things like “that’s so cool” and “You should sue Starbucks for using Grande”.

Now the catch is you might be reading this and thinking “wait I’m not super rich. I didn’t have rich parents,” and yes you missed the bus. You did not roll the correct dice of egg and sperm. You need to try again and how do you try again? For most of you it’s already over. You can’t go back. You already messed up. Some of you can try this simple trick.

1. Go to sleep. Make sure before sleeping you drink your favorite tea and relax. You need to do this thing called lucid dreaming. I read about it online. It can make you miracles happen.

2. Sleep. This is important for lucid dreaming. Sleeping. You must sleep and make sure it is deep. If you can find a deep hole to sleep in or the abyss of a forest then it might help you further.

3. As you sleep wake up in your dream. Surround yourself with your dream like a warm blanket. Now you must be rich. Think about being rich. Then think of your parents. Find them and slap them like Will Smith. If you don’t understand this reference then think of many other references of slapping. Think of lightning being a type of slap that comes out and meets up with another point on the surface of earth. Think of the sound. Think of the richness. Think of the money.

4. Avoid waking up. If you wake up you won’t be rich. It’s important to stay asleep and lucid for as long as possible. Threaten everyone in your dream that if they wake you up you’ll go back to sleep sooner or later and execute them for their insolence.

5. When you wake up probably cry or something. You’ll need to drain out the disappointment. More or less you must be content that you can’t have rich parents at this point. You can’t be given the money that others will so gladly hold over you as they tell you to work harder.

6. Talk crap to people who were born with rich parents as you work several jobs.

It really sucks to not be born with rich parents but don’t worry. It only gets better and or worse.

[iwritebadthings]

100 More Things Will Smith Could've Slapped but didn't 

Should you slap anyone? Probably not I guess. If someone was about to kill you and your family and a slap could stop it I’m guessing someone would say yas sis. Don’t slap people but also lets discuss who Will Smith could’ve slapped for various reasons because this topic needs to be revived like Jesus.

Tickmaster for selling tickets to American Express card owners but you don’t have that

Scalpers who are stealing the ticket you deserve

The incredibly sexy person who looked at you for five seconds and then said nothing to you and went on with their day

The old men behind the NFL

All the books Jared Kushner’s read for middle east peace 

The tall person sitting in front of you at the movie theater

The parent who is letting their child ruin the store isle

People who liter on the beach

People who liter in your home with their skin cells

The barber after cutting your hair too short

The meteor that missed earth

Someone random at the Oscars

Roger Stones ugly Richard Nixon Tattoo

Richard Nixon's dead body

Creepy Photographers

Maggie Haberman's book

Chuck Todd for every Republican that they let lie

Clearance Thomas's ethics

Movies that run over two hours

People somehow park in three spaces

Nintendo making it hard to play their old games

Steam sales not going even cheaper

Bob Woodward because what other secrets could be coming to a new book

CBS using Mick Mulvaney as a contributor

Sand that has been in your shoe since last year

Fireworks

Nazi Furries 

Babylon Bee so they can forget to use the one trans “joke” they have

Ben Sharpies good podcast reviews

Dave Rubin for lying about canceling Disney Plus over Gina Carano

The people who can’t decide if Pluto is a planet or not

Ice that I slipped on

People who miss the toilet with their piss and don’t clean it up

internet bandwidth caps caps

AT&T for funding One America News

The snake that spoke to Eve

Eve for listening to the snake

God for putting the snake there that he knew Eve would talk too

Adam because everyone else was slapped

Twinks

Power Bottoms

People who say they write poetry on twitter

BBQ Meat

Josh Barro for writing slurs about BBQ

Star Wars Prequals

Tom Nicholas being inarticulate about the n word in Pulp Fiction

Centrist

Avocados that went bad the minute you bought them

The Warhammer figure you just stepped on

The Supreme Court

The woman selling breast milk outside your gym

Twitter for banning you for saying Ron Desantis should trip and hurt his penis

Your racist uncle

Pizza hut for making you have diarrhea

The person who decided you needed to hear an AD for the Hulu for the Kardashians

Movie Reboots

Billionaires

Joe Manchin

Joe Manchin’s coal

Journalists that said Trump was Presidential

Sisyphus

Vincent van Gogh after he cut his ear off

Museum art

The stove

Wild Fires

Tom Hardy for being straight and Venom

Ken Klippenstein for making fun of Elon Musk our King

Time’s Person of the Year for making Elon Musk the person of the year

Random twitter users who post nazi anime memes

CNN for inviting cats on their show to complain about drinking so much milk

Madison Cawthorn for not dropping the names for who would be at these orgies 

Christopher F. Rufo for starting a war on teachers 

People who listen to Christopher F. Rufo 

Homophobic parents

that hot jock who bullied you in high school and is now a hot chad at your gym with a six figure job and a stare worth a book and Netflix series 

Facebook emails about likes and pokes and whatever bullshit you don’t want to know about 

Bill Cosby

Bill Clinton

Creepy people named Bill

Meta 

The future clone of Mark Zuckerberg

The dentist who I think is taking out my healthy teeth

Numerology

Bari Weiss substack

Peter Thiel’s ability to say he is a proud gay as his money funds the push to get rid of the gays

Whoever thought giving teachers guns was a good idea

Pickup artists 

Halo 5

Resident Evil 6

People who won’t define CRT

Hunter Biden’s overly expensive art

AI Art Generator for making a cursed image of Elon Musk humping a gold couch under the full moon

Bees for attacking your wife

Steven Crowders funny bone

People who think Steven Crowder is funny

Steven Crowders horrible racist jokes

Steven Crowders ability to complain

Steven Crowders love life

Hasan Piker stupid handsome face

Old fries from McDonald (non spon)

Sponsors

[iwritebadthings]

Don’t ask, Don’t Tell School Edition

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) stood at the podium profusely sweating but he knew he was losing water at an accelerated rate for a good reason. His mouth was dry yet wet at the same time. He was fighting the atmosphere that was Florida trying to crush him under incredible not global warming because that’s not real and he’d dare not say it much like saying Voldemort's name in the middle of a party and all the wizards would stare horrified.

“Don’t say gay is a bill I fully but my back end for. I fully support the equality of every student to be bullied equally including the teachers. As you know we’ve cancelled critical race theory. No child will hear the name Martin Luther King and have any idea who that is. Our dream is we don’t need to dream anymore. That’s equality. No child will be groomed. No trans of gays anymore. No more suffering of the youth! I AM GOD.”

The crowd before him cheered with ravenous storm like behavior until they became a storm. They literally became a storm. The clouds rained down hell fire. Buildings randomly lost gravity and started to lift off and explode like Elon Musk rockets. Women with blonde hair started coming up from the sewer as Karen banshees yelling slurs and blaming it on their hunger. A boy who managed to find a critical race theory book that was written for college level students inherited physic abelites and started exploding cars as he screamed for Legos cursing their inflated prices caused by Biden.

“We were too late,” Ron DeSantis whispered. He was frozen at the podium seeing the world become chaos in the matter of minutes. “I will resist!”

Down the street a small child held his moms hand. They saw Ron DeSantis saying some shit. The chaos wasn’t real. The mother could not hide her expression of displeasure for both the heat and the governor.

“What’s going on,” said the small child who was beyond his years in advanced knowledge. “isn’t that the angry man.”

“Yeah, honey, yeah.”

“What’s he talking about?”

“It’s pretty simple. He hates gay people. They do.”

“Why?”

“Politics, irrational fears, actual beliefs, ironic beliefs, easy points with terrified parents or something like that. I couldn’t tell you.”

“So politics.”

“Yeah, honey. Awful politics.”

They both walked on the extremely hot pavement that was melting cones and even some cars. Trees in the background were catching fire. The child’s eyes started glow with red hot searing heat.

“One day he’ll have to deal with me,” said the small child sneering holding back a evil laugh that wanted to crawl out.

“What is that dear?”

“Lets get ice-cream!”

“Yes my darling, let us get ice cream.”

They would have ice cream. The bill would pass. Many people would pretend everything was normal. The kids though are waiting for revenge.

[iwritebadthings]

I’m leaving the Democratic Party Again.

It all started like it always does. I wake up and then I check twitter. Someone on the far left said something about the police or something. I’m not exactly sure because I was very tried and had to work in three hours but I also only got two hours of sleep. Biden keeps going the worst things too. I can’t exactly explain to you what those things are in detail but what I do know is the white people are being replaced maybe because Tucker Carlson really loves truckers and that Green M&M that made me feel weird but now I don’t feel it anymore because she decided to change up the shoes. If woman can’t wear heels then are they even woman? What has the liberals made me do?

This man named Glenn Greenwald like the Green M&M also appears on Tucker and now I’m subscribed to his substack because I want to trust actual media that doesn’t involve big corporations. I did see the libs yelling at him over and over about him because he never critiques Tucker or Fox but also Fox is just always right so why would he say they were wrong? Are these people critiquing him even journalists know what they are talking about?

Then I saw the say gay or something bill by the genius conservatives Ron Desantis who wants to protect the kids from the gay agenda. I’m a gay man. It doesn’t sound great but also why can’t we all just learn some math? Yes some kids bullied me growing up but this will stop the bullying. Bullies will have to spread around who they bully because the school won’t be allowed to tell anyone about it unless a teacher complains but I love teachers. I don’t love unions and bad teachers much like cops who I also love.

I can’t keep up anymore. At the local school board in Alaska conservatives came with good arguments. The left decided to side step the issues by pointing out the slurs and other things that came up but that wasn’t the point. The one man who pointed at one of the members I can’t name was not being anti-semitic. I know this because a local journalist with a website that Is Reread or something that wears a very tight beany told me that the man was siding with the jews! Why would someone wear a star if they weren’t siding with the Jewish people!?

I don’t know what the democratic party is even more. Why do they care so much about so many things like money and helping people who should just work several jobs and if they can’t then well what do you want a cookie made of your dreams!? Get another job! Corporations would pay you more if they could! They would never lie at least if they were owned by Trump. I’m still waiting to join his social network but I got an error message. Sorry, I’m rambling.

I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m retiring from the democratic party again. I’d announce it again if Twitter would unban me and stop banning my accounts. I must let the people know that I’m finally leaving the democratic party.

[iwritebadthings]

The Fox and Friends Skeletons

Three skeletons sat on a couch together. Two skeletons were adult boys and one was an adult girl with blonde hair and heels because Fox had to fill a quota. The lights were blazing the bones of their souls but they did not feel the heat. They could not feel the heat because they were mortal husks that had one job and one job only. What is this job? You’ll quickly find out on THE FOX AND FRIENDS SKELETONS!

“Oh guys, its the Ukraine segment,” said the female skeleton looking into the camera with her mouth gaping open. Her jaw needed to be fixed but they were rolling so she knew she had to play it off as natural.

“Oh I know what time it is,” said one of the male skeletons. It was incredible hard to tell who was talking.

“Blame Biden,” they all said together. The female skeleton started to clap the hand bones together.

“Ukraine?”

“Yes, Ukraine.”

“So, Biden doesn’t want to be president so he has to blame this Putin guy.”

“What’s Putin’s deal?”

“I’ll tell you what his deal is. He is a real man. Putin is the real patriot.”

“I mean doesn’t Russia have issues?” said the female skeleton. You know she said it because both the male skeletons looked at her with disappointment but it couldn’t be seen. She knew she fucked up. “Issues with Biden I mean!”

The two male skeletons laughed. The female skeleton felt like she saved herself and let go of any doubt she had for where she worked. They all knew where they worked and knew the true message had to be a certain particular message.

“I’d live in Russia. You can probably have a drink with Putin.”

“Oh man imagine playing some B ball with Putin.”

“What do you think Putin’s favorite sport is?”

“Hunting, the libs,” one skeleton said as they the other two skeletons laughed overly hard and all the bones jiggled.

“What about Russia in the Olympics?”

“Oh I have a joke about that.”

“What is it share.”

“What do you call an Olympic skeleton competitor who stays out in the snow too long?”

“No clue, No clue.”

“A numbskull”

The entire studio erupted in laughter. The camera filming them shook as the camera operator threw themselves around like a drunk uncle during thanksgiving.

“Anyways, Thank you Joe Biden.”

“You mean thank you Brandon?”

“How about thank you Putin.”

“Why don’t we endorse Putin for the midterms to replace Biden?”

They all started to laugh and it didn’t matter if it was a fake laugh or a real one.

Later the female skeleton left the stage to go to the bathroom. Her skin came back. Her eyes were a very vibrant blue. Her teeth had pink gums and the tongue that wanted a taste of coffee. Was she a husk? She never saw the other two tools with skin. Was she different? In one blink it all fell away though. She was a skeleton. Was this the type of existence you gain when you work here?

“I should wash my hands. Hegseth doesn’t wash his hands and I touches everything,” said the female skeleton leaving the bathroom.