izumiphoenix

[izumiphoenix]

BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD! Once you are given this award you're supposed to paste it in the asks of 8 people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing happens, but it's sweet to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out ✨️

Thank you so much 🥺 Sending it right your way too! 🏆🫶🏻✨

[izumiphoenix]

A Little Fashion Show

Casual outfits:

Battle outfits:

@litsenn, @ranger-jahen, @missfortunetherogue, @elceewunjo, @irondeficienttav, @izumiphoenix, @rivereverie, @oonalovesastarionssimpleplan – let me know if you're happy with the outfits/colour schemes, I took some guesses here. (Ignore weapons/instruments, I forgot to hide them.) Oh, and don't mind the gallows, no one suffered during the fashion show :)

This is most likely the last update before I go on holidays next week, but I'm happy I was able to at least tackle the recreation of all those beautiful people :)

[izumiphoenix]

I love how feral he looks in this scene.

But it also breaks my heart.

Decades of anger and frustration bursting out the moment he sees his siblings. The resentment for their past quarrels, the memories the meeting brings back, Petras' arrogance (which might remind Astarion of his own) and his blindness when it comes to Cazador. How Petras is determined to fall into another of the master's trap.

"...my old master Cazador, taunting his slaves with hope when he knew the game was rigged.” Astarion says in Act 1, and here he realises Cazador did again. And that it worked. Again.

But not with him.

Not anymore.

But there's also fear in Astarion's violence.

He sees himself in them, he sees who he used to be, who he could become again.

Seeing his siblings almost feels like a threat, even if they didn't attack him (yet), even if he was expecting to meet them.

And the cruelty he displays...

He's hurting Petras - with a weapon he used to fear: sunlight. And it does look terribly painful.

But it doesn't stop Astarion. I wouldn't say he's enjoying inflicting pain, but he doesn't seem to mind torturing Petras.

Because that's torture.

A display of power too. He shows them what he can do now: stepping in the sunlight, which gives him a great advantage against them, against Cazador. He wants them to envy him, to fear him.

He wants them to tell Cazador to fear him.

There's something very satisfying in watching this scene, I won't deny it.

But It's also sad, with Astarion falling back into his old bias. Those of a world divided between the strong (the abusers), and the weak (the victims).

Forgetting all that he's learned during the past weeks with the group.

Forgetting that maybe the world isn't that binary, that there are other ways, good people and hope for something else.

Forgetting that strength doesn't have to rely on cruelty and power over others.

But here, he wants to prove them - and prove himself - that he has joined the side of the strong ones, of those with power.

He is no longer a victim, therefore he becomes an abuser. Because there's no other way. That is, at least, how he's been perceiving it for so long.

And that's where meeting his siblings brings him back to. To a world in which abuse is the only language, and violence the only way to exist among others.

Control or be controlled.

Astarion is merciless in his raw pain. He thinks he has to use the abuser's techniques to be respected and to keep himself safe.

Therefore he treats his sibling just like Cazador would.

It's hard to blame him. Because his violence is understandable. This display of power makes sense when you know how powerless he felt for son long.

His anger is valid, his frustration is valid. His raw desire to impress and threaten his siblings is understandable.

But we also know he's more than that. He's not just that.

It's painful to watch him tumble back into that old bidimensional world of abuse. But it's also a warning.

It's not a coincidence if the mask is back on right after his siblings have left.

How can so much pain and anger subside so quickly?

WeIl. They didn't.

Those painful feelings are still there. He just swallowed them back. Because he feels like he needs to be in control again. He cannot allow himself to feel miserable.

Cazador is too close. Astarion can't let him become a threat.

Astarion feels like he has to be the threat. Because he thinks that the only way to feel safe. Hence the attempt at manipulating you again concerning the ritual.

Because after such a ravaging emotional turmoil, he cannot even imagine that there's another way, another world. A world in which he doesn't need power to be strong.

But there is. This world exists. He just needs to find the way.

[izumiphoenix]

BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD! Once you are given this award you're supposed to paste it in the asks of 8 people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing happens, but it's sweet to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out 🫶🧈✨️🫀.

Aw thank you! I really appreciate the thought, and right back at you - you deserve one too!! 🫶🏻🏆✨

[izumiphoenix]

What kind of love is your OC?

Use this uqiz as your OC and share your result

Thank you for the tag, @corvusalbus93 and @litsenn :3

Some of you might have heard from me about the theme of love as a choice for these two. Literally recently, I mentioned it in the OC Love Song tag game! And now I’ve got this result here✨

Roanael had traveled around Faerûn – alone and with occasional companions – even before their adventure started. She’s been thought things. Her trust has been betrayed not once. She’s not always been welcome. She has been hurt and she has hurt others. She’s learned to be resilient and pragmatic to survive in this world. But she didn’t want it to take her warmth and courage away. She still wanted to be able to see the beauty in the world and those around her. To be able to love.

So Roanael chooses to seek a connection and understanding, again and again. She may be cautious and slow to trust, but when she does it’s steady devotion and gentle acceptance.

However love is also a process, action – it’s choosing each other every day, every morning. Working on it and nurturing your relationship, despite any possible struggles. Because you believe that what you have is worth the effort.

Anyways, I’m really happy with this result and how much it fits Roanael! 😊✨ I had no idea where my answers were going got take me, and imagine my face when I saw the title haha

No-pressure tag (sorry if you’ve been tagged already): @burnt-by-marigolds @elceewunjo @oonalovesastarionssimpleplan @rivereverie

[izumiphoenix]

I’m reading The Murderbot Diaries and this came up in a conversation with my friend so I thought I could share it here as well

[izumiphoenix]

🤍🤍 send this anon to 5 fanfic writers who you love and appreciate!! KEEP WRITING!! love you so much!

Oooh I don’t even think of myself as a fanfic writer, but thank you so much!! 🥺🤍🤍

[izumiphoenix]

The Night After

I saw the art on the bottom (made by @andsylphy) a while ago on Pinterest, and I really wanted to write something about this. To be honest, I wanted to keep it short and only focused on one scene, but somehow the dialogue happened, and it grew much longer than I intended.

Astarion hasn't said much. Not since the crypt.

He isn't triumphant, nor devastated. Just... tense. Pensive.

And still covered in blood. Cazador's blood.

The sky is bright, but the day is turning in, making the narrow streets of the Gate slip into dusk quite too eagerly.

It doesn't hide your dishevelled state from passersby, who flinch and cling to the opposite walls, quickening their steps as they fix their eyes on the ground or stare with fear, or even with shameless curiosity. Blood isn't a rare enough occurrence in this city to cause panic. Especially these past days.

But none of you cares.

You keep by Astarion's side – not too close, but enough that he can feel your presence nearby. But you don't talk, and even your friends only exchange brief remarks with hushed voices. Everyone can feel that thickness in the air when too many things have happened to try to put them into words just yet.

You reach the Elfsong's tavern, and the heavy steps on the stairs quiet down as everybody retreats to their corners with exhausted exhales.

Everybody except one. Astarion carelessly drops the weapon on the floor, runs his hand through his messy, silvery hair stained with dark red. Starts pacing the room, stopping to crawl out of the leather armor and toss it near his bed, only to keep measuring the lodgings with his restless steps.

You stand there, watching him helplessly, then carefully settle your weapon against the nearby wall. Your companions exchange worried glances with you, but you just answer with a little, tired smile and nod. There is a quiet understanding between you. They keep to themselves; some leave the room, like Gale, who heads over to the doors, muttering something about checking the supplies.

Astarion finally halts mid-step and wearily sinks onto the edge of his bed, elbows dug against his knees and chin pressed against his hands, staring into the silent space in front of him.

You squeeze the fabric of your shirt over your heart, as if trying to physically make it quiet and stop hurting so much. If you feel that way, how must he feel right now?

But Astarion needs you now, and you can deal with your emotions later. You cast another glance at your beloved elf, wondering what you can do for him right now. Does he want to be alone? Should you give him space or try to talk? And what can you even say?..

Your loving eye follows his features, so familiar and dear now. And still tarnished with blood. You swallow and turn away before the ache in your chest can overwhelm you.

When you return, a basin of warm water weighs heavily in your hands, steam curling faintly in the light. A soft cloth rests across the rim. If words are failing you, perhaps your hands can help you reach him right now.

Your steps are soft and deliberate as you approach Astarion – the last thing you want to do is to startle him.

He doesn't move as you lower the basin on the bed beside his thigh, then carefully climb onto the bed yourself. You sit there for a little while, legs neatly curled under your lap, until he finally shifts his attention to you.

Astarion blinks as he straightens and looks at you; weary crimson meets the soft concern in your gaze.

You smile just with a corner of your lip, and he answers with a still tired yet warmer look. Then his gaze drops down to look at the basin. The water faintly glistens in the dim light of the inn.

His fingers brush over the rough, brittle smear on his cheek absentmindedly, and realization flickers in his darkened red eyes. But the intention slips away, as if even the thought of cleaning himself feels too heavy right now. You pick up the cloth from the rim, squeeze it to rid of the excess moisture, and bring it up, showing it to Astarion with a somewhat inquiring wave of your wrist. The vampire nods, his body shifting ever so slightly toward you.

You stroke away unruly curls from his face and softly press the warm, damp cloth to Astarion's temple, tapping it lightly. Water drops run down his skin, caressing it along the way. He closes his eyes and tilts his head closer. Your hands move with more confidence now, but your rhythm and movements remain gentle, with little pauses to confirm he still doesn't mind your ministrations.

It's not even about washing the stains away. You want to be there for Astarion and remind him he is not alone, even if he is not ready to talk about what happened in the castle yet.

The cloth's caress is almost reverent as you slowly make your way through all the dried blood and start to see the pale skin underneath. Your thumb carefully grazes the skin under Astarion's eye, and he lets out a soft sigh, slightly nuzzling in your warm palm, as if grounding himself in your touch, your scent.

The light gradually returns to his crimson eyes - lighter, more present. 

“I... This is not how I expected to feel.” He finally breathes out, watching you rinse the cloth in the lukewarm water.

You hum in acknowledgement, not interrupting, just listening. You haven't even noticed how helping him has soothed you as well. How the air has enveloped the heaviness into something intimate and hushed, shielding you both in your own little world.

As you trace his neck, washing away the droplets of blood, Astarion continues.

“Wasn't I supposed to feel... victorious? Elated, even. Finally free of that wretched Cazador. We should be celebrating right now. And here I am, sulking and brooding yet again. Pathetic, am I?..”

There is a trace of familiar resentment in his voice, yet his rounded eyes are trembling with vulnerability, both hopeful and terrified to hear your verdict.

“I don't think so,” you reply with soft firmness in your voice; your hand never stops moving. “You can just be, Astarion. No one tells you what to feel. You can just be, my sweet. And I'll be right here. If you have me.”

You feel his shoulders relax as the tension starts leaving his body. Astarion lets out a sound that reminds a tired laugh.

“If I have you... This ought to be my question, my dear. Isn’t it?” The vampire spawn narrows his eyes slightly, his chin pointing up in that defiant gesture of his, challenging your kindness over and over again.

“Was I too dreadful back then? Stabbing that bastard again and again. A monster in the flesh – the resemblance couldn't have been more striking.”

There is that bitter humor in his voice that cannot mislead you. Astarion's eyes are piercing yours as he waits to hear what you say yet again.

You take his hand, the one that was clenching the dagger just a while ago, and start meticulously cleaning the dried blood from his forearm and fingers, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And it is, because it is him. The man you love.

“You were terrifying.” You say with a warm yet sad smile hiding in the corner of your lips. Isn't that something he would usually be delighted to hear? “But the monster lies on that floor. Defeated by you.”

“I wanted him to feel everything. Every damn year, everything he took from me.” He continues, watching you take care of his other hand. Astarion's voice is even, almost indifferent, but you can hear a painful strain in it. He doesn't seem to feel regret, but it must still be weighing him down, the picture still too vivid in his memory.

“...You did what you needed to do. To be free. To let go.” You feel your heart pounding in your chest as you settle the washing cloth away and carefully cup his face. You wish you had all the right answers that could make him feel better. But the words felt like helpless sounds flowing from your lips in a desperate attempt to comfort and soothe, all while knowing perfectly well that it isn't so simple. “You walked away from that horrid ritual and saved thousands of other spawns, Astarion. You are still here. Still you.”

“Then why do I feel so empty?..” Astarion groans and leans forward, resting his forehead against your shoulder as he pulls you closer.

You drop the cloth and wrap an arm around his frame, your other hand sinking into his curls. He trembles faintly, overwhelmed after everything, after release. So you rub his back, vaguely feeling the raised lines of old scars through the thin fabric of his shirt.

The moments pass, and Astarion raises his head, his eyes studying your face, as if he is seeing you for the first time in a while.

“You are still here,” he says, quiet but pensive.

“I am.” You simply confirm, your eyes meeting him without a flinch. 

He leans in closer, red eyes half-lidded, and lightly – almost tentatively – presses his forehead against yours. You shift slightly closer, your eyes shut as you feel something soft tremble inside of you, savoring the moment of connection. 

Later, Astarion lets you coax him to lie down on the bed. You curl into his side, and he settles his head upon your chest, your legs cozily intertwine.

For a while, you just stay like that, your fingers lightly threading through Astarion's silvery white hair in soothing and affectionate caress. You know he is still awake, his thumb brushing patters on your skin mindlessly as he is listening to your heartbeat.

After a while, turning his words around in your mind, you whisper a sudden thought that comes to you.

“Maybe it feels empty because it's a new page.”

You don't explain it further – he understands what you are trying to say. You know it because you feel how Astarion freezes for a second, and then you feel his weight sink more fully against you. He places a soft kiss – barely a touch even – on your chest and closes his eyes. 

“You always know what to say, do you.” He mumbles quietly against your skin.

“Not even the slightest idea.” You murmur with a smile and rest your chin against his head. “But I'm glad if it's working.”

You hear him – or rather feel – chuckle softly as he holds you tighter. Slightly possessive but tender grip.

“Apparently it does, for me.”

“Good.” You kiss his hair.

Your hand never stops moving – across his back, along his shoulder, the side of his neck – every gesture whispering ‘you are safe.’ And slowly, his body begins taking it in. The stillness in him isn’t numb anymore, but restful.

Astarion lets out a soft breath – more a sign of contentment rather than need. He’s asleep. And soon you follow, your eyelids close with comfortable heaviness as you drift off to join him.

Maybe tomorrow you'll be ready to start clean, from the new page. But tonight you just hold onto each other, because for now this is enough.

[izumiphoenix]

[izumiphoenix]

Tfw you robbed your former master's vault 😎✨

I took like 10 versions with different poses but I like these two the best

[izumiphoenix]

Striking from shadows...

[izumiphoenix]

Love this gaze

[izumiphoenix]

"Thank you, but this isn't about sympathy."

This line always strikes me.

Not because I thought he wanted sympathy. No, on the contrary, I expected him to refuse any kind of pity, I expected him to actually refuse compassion, refuse to be seen as a victim in need for commiseration – at least in act 1.

What strikes me is how seriously he reacts. Surprisingly calm.

Whereas I would have expected him to answer with irony, sarcasm, bitterness hidden behind a dismissive joke.

But no. Not here. He doesn’t exactly shrug off your empathy, he doesn’t mock you for it, he doesn’t tell you to bugger off.

He accepts it and thanks you for it, and this "thank you" sounds like he means it. Which is a first surprise to me.

But that’s just not what it is about.

It’s about being practical:

There is the threat. You have to know about it to get ready, to know the cruelty of said threat (that is Cazador).

Astarion doesn’t want you to underestimate his former master.

And yet, while warning you, isn’t he oversharing a little?

He just told you much more than was necessary to warn you. He shared his terrible experience – yes, with sarcasm and irony (defence mechanism) – but still, he explained quite explicitly what Cazador would do to him. He didn't have to say all this.

He’s not looking for sympathy. But maybe that’s because he doesn’t expect any.

Perhaps it’s because he doesn’t think you mean it.

Perhaps it’s because he thinks he doesn’t deserve your sympathy.

Perhaps it isn’t about sympathy all. Maybe he’s just being pragmatical. Strategical. Nothing else to see here.

But I can't help thinking that this man is trying to connect, and who knows? maybe to find someone who can see him through his sarcasm and distance. Whether he acknowledges it is another matter.

And perhaps, just perhaps, he’ll be thinking, later, about the way you said that you were sorry for his torments. And that you really seemed to mean it.

Or maybe not.

Maybe he’ll never think about it, because it doesn’t matter anymore. Your empathy won’t change the past, it won’t erase the pain.

Maybe it’s not about sympathy - because that's not what he's looking for, or what he expects.

Maybe he prefers not to hear your sympathy right now. Because that's just not the point.

But you're most probably the first person in 200 years who empathises with his torments.

Maybe that explains why this "thank you" sounds like he means it.

And maybe the pragmatical way he takes it is also a defence mechanism, a shield - an unconscious one. A way to brush off how much it could mean to him. Because he can't allow himself to be emotional.

[izumiphoenix]

Your OC as a Forgotten God

If your OC was a forgotten god, which sacrificial offering would awaken them?

Use this quiz - Picrew Opt 1 - Picrew Opt 2

Thank you @litsenn and @burnt-by-marigolds for tagging me! It was fun.

Here is Roanael's result:

I can’t be provided with a choice – it makes it impossible to decide. I like the first picrew, it’s really beautiful, but the second one is closer to the theme and you can choose elven ears there.

Roanael is a druid, close to nature, and especially forest – as a Wood half-elf. She is usually more positive, but this result actually suits her.

Patient and wise, she is a goddess who waits for you under a sacred tree, ready to listen to your pain and soothe it with her presence. She doesn't take it away, doesn't give you oblivion. She accepts it and weaves your sorrow into her forest, so your pain doesn't go in vain. It is imprinted there to become a force for moving forward and growing further. Today's tears will water the dry soil, so tomorrow the hope can sprout from the earth. For that, she wears her crown of grief with pride.

A bonus hehe :]

I think everyone has been mentioned already, but please join if you are interested.

[izumiphoenix]

More Zevran doodles <3

[izumiphoenix]

𝘗𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘵: 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘤 𝘰𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘰𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘖𝘊 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳?

Thank you for the tags, @oonalovesastarionssimpleplan, @litsenn and @missfortunetherogue – it was so great to see everyone's stories told through music.

I have several songs about Astarion and Roanael together, and many just for Astarion, so it was hard to pick. In the end, I chose 2 songs that convey the feeling of their love and where the lyrics fit them both, and... please bear with me – I decided not to hold back and explain everything! (It's very long, sorry)

turning page - sleeping at last

I've waited a hundred years But I'd wait a million more for you

It sounds like it is about Astarion, who has lived for centuries, but Roanael has been waiting to meet her person, too. Maybe it was shorter for her, but also meaningful.

Nothing prepared me for what the privilege of being yours would do

A part of that wonderful bundle of feelings they have for each other to me is always a sense of a miracle. They both are still trying to believe that what they have, what they have found in each other, is real.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch If I had only seen how you smile when you blush Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough I would have known what I was living for What I've been living for

They like watching each other, noticing those little gestures, habits, that make their loved one so painfully them.

And it also reminds me about those words that are mentioned in the end, before the reunion – how Astarion said that those last six months of happiness were the counterweight to two hundred years of misery.

Your love is my turning page

For both, this encounter became a turning point, a life-changing event. And since Roanael (Sage background!) and Astarion both love reading (well, he does spend a lot of time with a book in the camp), the metaphor seems more than fitting!

Only the sweetest words remain

After all the cruel, humiliating insults Astarion had to hear for so long from Cazador and others, finally, there is a place where only sweet and loving words are said.

Every kiss is a cursive line Every touch is a redefining phrase

These lines make me think of Astarion and intimacy – how they slowly and carefully explore the new kind of closeness, grounded in trust and respect.

I surrender who I've been for who you are For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

Astarion and Roanael both need to step away from something in their past for their relationship to work. Astarion, held by fear inflicted on him by his former master, eventually learns how to accept himself and embrace the newfound freedom. Roanael, ever wandering and reluctant to attach to anything, learns how to stay and belong.

They learn that showing vulnerability can be a strength, not a weakness – something they want to cherish and protect in each other.

With the whisper we will tame the vicious scenes Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees

With them, it's the quiet moments that are the most powerful. They don't need to be loud – a whisper, a soft touch to remind them that they are not alone, they are seen and heard.

Just like Astarion, on the verge of the ritual, only needed to hear that he was already enough.

I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes It′s like watching the night sky Or a beautiful sunrise Well, there's so much they hold

There are many beautiful moments they can share, so much depth they can see behind the eyes of the other. But I also love the mentions of the night sky with stars, since Roanael often calls Astarion "my star" in tender moments, and for him, her presence is like a dawn that came after a long dark night.

And just like them old stars I see that you��ve come so far To be right where you are How old is your soul?

Astarion was turned very young and spent 200 years as Cazador's slave, with his youth, his time to discover himself, taken from him. His soul might be old, as an elf too, but he is only starting to live now. Roanael is younger, but she has that wisdom and patience in her, like an old soul.

Well, I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I′m still looking up

My other favorite motif in their story is love as a choice. Loving someone is never easy. It's not just those butterflies in your stomach and head in the clouds. It is working together and choosing each other again and again because they are important, because you want to be with them, and you are willing to make an effort for it.

It is true in general, but these lines also make me think of Astarion's confession in Act 2.

They both have their shadows from the past, but especially Astarion is deeply scarred and still healing. But Roanael chooses to stay – she doesn't want to give up on what they have. And she wants to believe in Astarion, in them. And the same for him, too. Astarion is scared, but he doesn't want to lose what they have – whatever it is – so he chooses to trust, to tell her everything and where it brings them. He doesn't want to give it up. He wants to build something real with her.

And when you′re needing your space To do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting To see what you find

Another motif I love in their relationship, the one that Roanael's presence brings – patience. She never pushes Astarion, but waits for him to process everything at his own pace. Astarion is more impulsive and emotional, but I think over time he will learn to do the same for her, too. And this also reminds me of that moment at the reunion celebration, when he softly says: "I'll be here when you’re ready. I'll always be here, my love."

′Cause even the stars, they burn Some even fall to the earth

Here again, I imagine Roanael to think or say this to Astarion. Yes, he had a fall, got burned, but he still is a star, her star.

We got a lot to learn God knows we're worth it No, I won′t give up

And they both need to learn how to do this, how to treat each other right. But it's worth all the struggles.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I′m here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Again, no matter how hard it can get, neither of them wants to walk away. They see each other's vulnerabilities and want to be there for their loved one.

Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake

They are different, yes. But both Astarion and Roanael have many wonderful qualities they can bring into their love, to keep it strong and protect it. (I wanted to get more into details, but I started digressing and also realised I already have a post about this in my drafts, so I would rather finish that one and post it later)

And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did intend For us to work, we didn't break, we didn′t burn

They are not just lovers, they also are friends. And I think even if it won't work out (but of course it will tho ^^), they will remain an important presence in each other's lives.

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I imagine this describes their journey – all these dangerous adventures, but both of them are resilient and determined to survive. They will also need to adjust their lives post-tadpoles, since Astarion has all the vampire spawn limitations back – learn to bend around them or find some ways to cure or reduce the effects of the vampire curse.

I had to learn what I got and what I′m not And who I am

This especially fits Astarion, who has learned that he is not what he was made to be. That he can choose who he wants to be, and to be loved the way he is. And Roanael learns how to stay, to walk by his side, how to be seen and accepted fully herself.

Well, I won't give up on us (no, I′m not giving up) God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

Roanael has that quiet resilience that led them through all the adventures, and Astarion is definitely a tough survivor, as well. They used this toughness to survive before, but now they'll protect their love with it.

Because they know they are loved, and they won't give up on each other!

I’m sorry, I don’t remember who has been tagged already, so gently tagging: @burnt-by-marigolds @corvusalbus93 @rivereverie

[izumiphoenix]

Random thoughts I have about Ascended Astarion because he is an interesting creature.

This is so long I'm so sorry.

On his love for romanced Tav:

Sooo I'm straight up not an AA fan (as far as like, choosing that ending for myself because to me it's sad yk) but I don't think just because it's a tragic ending for Astarion that that means he doesn't in SOME way love Tav - and I honestly don't see him being anywhere near as awful to them as Cazador was to him. (Other spawn, idk, after a few hundred years anything could happen)

Cazador may not have been as bad to his spawn as Vellioth was to his either. Just from what we know, Cazador was impaled for 11 years just for asking for help from a friend, but when Astarion disobeyed Cazador and tried to save a random "darling boy" from being Cazador's next victim he "only" locked him in a tomb for a single year.

In his fucked up vampire brain, maybe Cazador considered that merciful.

Personal example lol:

My parents weren't as bad to me as theirs were to them, but that doesn't mean they didn't fuck me up real good in their own ways. I've also never doubted my dear ole dad loves me, it's just that he sucks at it and he has a really fucked up way of looking at the world that makes his love unhealthy and painful.

So I imagine Astarion's love for Tav becoming obsessive the way it's typically depicted for vampires. (Very Strahd of him)

I imagine if they break it off with him it's only a matter of time before he starts stalking them and setting up situations to make himself look good in front of them without having to be the one to admit he misses them first... and I think that last bit kinda gets to the main flaw I see in Ascended Astarion's love for Tav which is that it is DEEPLY insecure.

On AA's insecurity:

I'm sure most people who read this (ty btw this is already long as shit and I'm not even close to done) have known someone at some point that seems wildly arrogant at first glance only for it to become incredibly obvious the longer you look at them that all of their arrogance comes from a deep place of insecurity and need for validation.

I'm not saying Spawn Astarion isn't insecure as well, he IS, but by the end I think he's coming around and showing a forward momentum for growth that's inspiring. AA on the other hand just fully sinks into the misbelief that he's only worth anything if he is the most powerful person in the room. Only to his horror, actually BEING the most powerful person in the room doesn't soothe all his fear and self doubt - which is weakness, of course. So he needs to remind everyone all the time how big and strong he is and that he doesn't care about anyone or anything as much as they care about him.

He's toxic masculinity the guy and it blows.

He gets PISSED if you mention Cazador to him because it still makes him feel scared/upset and that makes him livid. That he can be so powerful and Cazador can be dead and still hold that much power over him.

Speaking of power:

Obviously there's physical strength and the ability to defend himself bodily against most threats. I think AA is pretty satisfied with his power in this aspect which is why it's what he chooses to focus on.

But there's also the power he said Cazador enjoyed most: "power over people."

This is what he's most afraid of now because in my opinion, I don't think the ascension "fixed" this issue for him the way he wanted it to.

He saw Cazador as all powerful for so long, and whether or not it was true, Astarion saw him as untouchable not only physically but emotionally as well.

That's the thing that hurt most.

That Cazador could make Astarion feel such a depth of turmoil grief and anger all the while looking completely unaffected himself.

We see it when we walk into the room. Cazador calmly insults Astarion and acts like his presence here to kill him is childish and Astarion can't stop himself from taking the bait and getting emotional, because that's just who he is and I'm very willing to bet that Cazador and maybe even the other spawn told him endlessly that this was something to be punished for/wiped out.

(Personal divergence feel free to skip lmao.)

I understand this too. Maybe it's projecting based on my own experience but what else are long ass posts like this for? My dad had a very similar opinion on feelings. The only emotion acceptable to express was anger, and when my youngest brother couldn't understand that, when he was a "crybaby" and acted soft or scared, it wasn't just my dad who would punish him for it. It was us, his siblings, too. I thought I was helping him grow tougher so he wouldn't get targeted so much by my dad.

When I fucked up and couldn't keep my emotions in check I felt like I was too weak to manage them and even though I never thought my dad was right for how he punished us, I didn't realize that I was implicitly accepting that being emotional was in some way deserving of punishment, or at least derision. I had an unexamined value placed on stoicism and intellectualizing rather than feeling and assumed that that value was in some way universally applicable.

Astarion's emotional. He just is. He doesn't think things through all the way and he acts on emotion whether it makes sense or not. 🤷‍♀️ He can't help but react. He can't help but scream when he's in pain or yell when he's angry or cry when he's sad even if he tries so hard to do it, and he was punished for it EVERY time... Until the nautiloid when Tav has the opportunity to REWARD every tiny morsel of vulnerability he expresses.

But saying yes to the ascension is accepting that he needs to be more like Cazador to be safe, and that means whatever vulnerability he might have started to allow himself needs to go away and never see the light of day again, even if he can.

Nobody can ever have that kind of power over him, the power to make him feel and act on emotion in that way that made him so weak before.

Except romanced Tav already has a power over him: his feelings for them.

And that is his NIGHTMARE.

Which is why the only way he can be at all comfortable maintaining the relationship is by lowering their status in his mind and dominating them, or making them believe that he isn't as invested in their relationship as they are/were.

Ex:

You can go mingle at the party because I LET you, but I'm still watching. You will always be on my leash.

You can sleep with Mizora and I won't be angry because I don't CARE enough to be jealous or upset.

Haha it's a good thing you broke up with me because I would've ruined your pathetic love with my super powerful evil mastermind manipulation. If you thought I actually loved you it's just because of how good at manipulating I am and I'm definitely not devastated because that would mean that you could hurt me and no one can hurt me.

I'm a good owner, but I'm still your owner and you should remember that I could choose to be less good to you if I wanted because I am more powerful than you and you can't hurt me if you're beneath me.

You can have my affection but only if you earn it because I don't want you to have the opportunity to know you could break my heart if you wanted to because that would ruin my image which is the most important thing to me now.

On AA's fear:

Astarion's #1 fear has always been other people having power over him again and despite how powerful the ascension makes him, it doesn't make that fear go away, it makes it WORSE.

Vampire traits are your traits magnified and twisted. That doesn't just apply to things that were once positive. Just like his love becomes obsession, I believe his fear also becomes obsession.

Obsessed with maintaining the appearance of invulnerability. Obsessed with making himself feel confident and powerful 200% of the time and getting rid of anything that keeps him from feeling that way.

Hiding anything that could be perceived as weakness from absolutely everyone at all times.

Spawn Astarion cries when he finally kills Cazador as centuries of catharsis wash over him and overwhelm him. Do I think Ascended Astarion isn't also overcome with relief and emotion at finally being free? I don't actually. I think he is, and won't allow himself to feel it or to cry or to display anything but the facade of what he thinks he SHOULD be feeling in a triumphant moment like this.

He's confused if Dame Aylin kills that stupid fucking wizard why she isn't celebratory and cheerful. So he clearly expects that to be his reaction to killing Cazador.

When he's a spawn, regardless of whatever he expected, he just lets himself feel all the shit he feels and expresses it without worrying about what anyone else in the room will think because that doesn't matter to him right now.

But AA isn't allowed that moment of vulnerability or relief because he is and always will be first and foremost concerned with what other people think of him. He'd rather be seen as evil and cruel but completely untouchable than risk being seen as weak.

The tragedy isn't about Tav, it's about Astarion:

I don't think his ascended ending is his bad ending because he will inevitably be a monster like Cazador or treat Tav horribly. That's what could potentially happen to other people maybe, but that's honestly not even what makes this ending so tragic.

It's tragic for him to spend the rest of his immortal life not being able to let go of his performance. To be trapped forever playing the part of the all powerful, untouchable ascendant. To lose out on the opportunity to grow past the toxic idea that being soft is being weak. To let someone else take care of him when he needs it.

That's why I don't like it (again, for my playthroughs, because I enjoy giving everyone a happy ending if I can. AA ending is fascinating to me as an option to be given though. I think about it a lot, and that's good writing right there.)

Spawn Astarion isn't a perfect good boy with the heart of a saint but I don't want or expect him to be. He is however, finally comfortable in his skin and unlearning all the terrible lessons Cazador gave him. He's accepting himself for better AND for worse. He's just being himself, unapologetically, for everyone to see and I think that's his perfect version of a happy ending.

Ok bye. ❤️