jasonmelton

[jasonmelton]

April 4TH ~ what's up

HEY BUD

What up, dudes. Remember the ‘everyone is a dude’ song from All That Good Burger sketch. You could never get away with that today. So edgy.

Hope everyone is healthy. I’m worried the death toll of the virus is gonna really affect my subscriber list.

I bought as much toilet paper as possible. Not stocking up.  I just didn’t want anyone else to have any.

It was easy to buy all the toilet paper, but it has really been tough to use it all. I’m just wiping a clean ass. What’s the point?

Anyway, i’m gonna keep this short.

Cocaine Murder Jam is doing an open mic tomorrow at 7 pm on Zoom. If you wanna perform or watch, shoot us an email at cocainemurderjam@gmail.com.

~NO SHOWS~

One other important note: I’ve started something called Root Beer Friday. It’s been a fantasy of mine to have a root beer every Friday. Now it’s spreading across the world. So please join us in having a root beer every Friday. #rootbeerfriday

Thanks for reading!

[jasonmelton]

JAN 21TH ~ THE ROBOTS AMONG US ~ AKA ~ MY KAMPF ~

HEY BUD

I had the most evil, bad thought there is, but... if I’m right, we're in trouble. 

What if autistic people are actually robots that the government hasn’t perfected yet? 

It explains a lot. They’re in the trial mode now, beep and bopping around society, getting ready to sway elections, infiltrate our homes, our lives, but they haven’t been perfected yet so they still get obsessed with Pro wrestling and slack on their world-domination programming. Or like get stuck in the corner like a Roomba. 

Someone you love might be a government robot. Scary right? Luckily right now, you can control them with Pepsi (the carrot)  and loud noise (the stick). 

Look if I’m wrong, this is the most evil thing I’ve ever said. Legit human beings with emotions, hopes, and dreams are getting severely hate crimed against here. 

But what if I’m right?

Lol, jk. I’m not right. But why have a newsletter if not to one day start a hate group?

CHICAGO << COCAINE MURDER JAM ~~~MY BIRTHDAY SHOW~~ IS JAN 30TH AT CROWN LIQUORS ~~~9 PM / FREE

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

1/21 Meeting Room at Hidden Shamrock. Chicago, IL. 8pm

1/28 Meeting Room at Hidden Shamrock. Chicago, IL. 8pm

1/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at Crown Liquors. Chicago, IL 9 p

It’s my muhfuckin’ b-day show. I hope you come.

2/1 Cocaine Murder Mic at Gallery Cabaret. Chicago, IL 7 pm

A curated everything comedy open mic.

2/7 Meeting Room at Hidden Shamrock. Chicago, IL. 8pm

2/8 End of the Line Comedy at Nighthawk. Chicago, IL. 9 pm

2/11 Mishawaka, IN

2/14 Meeting Room at Hidden Shamrock. Chicago, IL. 8pm

2/15 The Attic. Menasha, WI. 8:30 pm

2/16 go to Davefest at the Empty Bottle. Chicago

Support this charity show and celebrate Dave’s memory. 

  COCAINE MURDER JAM

BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ CROWN LIQUORS

CHICAGO JAN 30TH

Featuring author Sam Pink, comedians Kahlil Wilson, Paul Miller, and Ryan McGirr

//////////////////////////////////

PODCAST:

-COCAINEON MURGENESIS EVANGELIJAM 

(neon genesis evangelism (anime) (netflix) listen-a-long podcast)

LINK TO THE SOUNDCLOUD (link to the soundcloud)

 CHECK IT OUT

Visit my WEEKLY stand-up show: THE MEETING ROOM

@ Hidden Shamrock, Fridays (8 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Visit my WEEKLY open mic: BEER BELLY OPEN MIC 

@ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Read a short story (the first story from a short story cycle called ‘STAIRWAY INN’ coming soon!): STAIRWAY INN

Cocaine Murder Jam on Youtube

Read old newsletters: ARCHIVE

 PS BONUS

Back in the early 00’s there was a fascination with zen shit. Used to be pretty good to do. Get all zen’d down. The only place I can get zen from anymore is my friend Jim’s instagram Jim Shirts.

TWITTER:

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THANKS!

Thanks for reading! 

~thanks for reading~

 If you liked this (or not), hit me back at jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

 I know I just said a lot. What’s good with you?

[jasonmelton]

NOV 26TH - PORN, DEATH, NORMAL SHIT

HEY BUD

If I was a porn director, at the end of all my vids. I’d have a screen that says, “Thanks for watching” in a cursive font. I think it's just nicer to end a video that way.

Been thinking about inexorably approaching death. I imagined being an old person and having the urge to visit a graveyard to see the gravestones of all the people I used to know. Imagine having that problem. You can can barely walk, but how do you get to the graveyard to miss your friends? You know what I think about that? I think it’s bullshit!

Anyway, I’ve been pretty happy lately. I more or less quit all my jobs in exchange for debt, and that has been a really positive experience for me.

Also, I have great shows coming up in the next couple weeks. Check one out, I promise they’re good. I’ve been intermittent fasting. Only 3 days and I’m already thin. Also, I’ve been having a lot of ideas. Check out this one: An elementary school where all the children have beards.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Adios.

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

11/29 Meeting Room at Hidden Shamrock. Chicago, IL. 8pm

NEW WEEKLY SHOW & AFTER PARTY

12/1 Dead Comedy at AliveOne. Chicago, IL

I’m hosting, playing guitar, and interrupting comics.

12/14 Comedy Night at 18th Street Brewery. Gary, IN

12/21 Waukegan, IL 

12/28 Nighthawk. Chicago, IL

12/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at the Hideout. Chicago, IL. 9 pm

 MEME OF THE WEEK

follow @cmj69420 on twitter for more of this shit

 COCAINE MURDER JAM

 BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ THE HIDEOUT

CHICAGO DEC 30TH

Featuring music by RXM REALITY and comedy by JON LYONS, JACOB LOWERY, & LAUREN WALKER

 COME TO THIS^^^ SHIT!! (9pm / free / byob)

///////////////////////////////////

 PODCAST:

-COCAINEON MURGENESIS EVANGELIJAM 

(neon genesis evangelism (anime) (netflix) listen-a-long podcast)

LINK TO THE SOUNDCLOUD (link to the soundcloud)

 CHECK IT OUT

Visit my WEEKLY open mic: BEER BELLY OPEN MIC 

@ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Read a short story (the first story from a short story cycle called ‘STAIRWAY INN’ coming soon!): STAIRWAY INN

Cocaine Murder Jam on Youtube

 PS BONUS

I think about how hard I work on jokes and comedy stuff. How much thought and energy I put in and then the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life is THIS. And it really makes me feel dumb.

TWITTER:

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follow me personally 

THANKS!

Thanks for reading! 

~thanks for reading~

 If you liked this or not, hit me back at jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE

[jasonmelton]

OCT 28TH - VIBE ME OFF

HEY BUD

It’s hard to think of something to write here. I’ve been sleeping like 15 hours a day. I’ve barely been alive. 

Oh. Doesn’t it suck when you’re wearing your super hot guy shirt, and all these neck-bearded weirdos come up to you talking about “That’s My Favorite Pro-Wrestler.” Come on. I wear the shirt cuz the guy is hot!

Got a big cocaine murder jam show on Wednesday. Please come! Info below, but it’s free / byob / halloween feeling.

Been noticing a lot of people talking about ‘vibes.’ Some new slang? ‘Vibe.’ Hey, how about these people ‘vibe’ me off. ‘Vibe’ me off until I ejaculate. thanks. 

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

10/28 Sorta Secret Spooky Video And Spooky Story Show at Celtic Cross. Chicago, IL 8 pm

Premier of Cocaine Murder Jam’s new vid: “NEW PAIN”

10/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at Slate Art and Performance. Chicago, IL

11/9 18th Street Brewery, Gary, IN. 8 pm

11/10 Dead Comedy at AliveOne. Chicago, IL 

11/14 Justin Golak’s Album Recording. Hostel Earphoria. Chicago, IL 8 pm

11/15 Justin Golak’s Album Recording. Hostel Earphoria. Chicago, IL 8 pm

11/16 Justin Golak’s Album Recording. Hostel Earphoria. Chicago, IL 8 pm 

I’m very excited to do warm-up for my bud, Justin Golak, who is recording a stand-up album. If you’re a fan, we want you there. Make this recording special and/or magical.

SPECIAL AND/OR MAGICAL LINK FOR TICKETS

11/20 Verified Laughs at the Laugh Factory. Chicago, IL 8 pm

 MEME OF THE WEEK

follow @cmj69420 on twitter for more of this shit

 COCAINE MURDER JAM

 BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ SLATE ARTS & PERFORMANCE

CHICAGO OCT 30TH

Featuring music by JESSICA RISKER and comedy by DARIUS KENNEDY, MAX SHANKER, CHRIS DAMEN

COME TO THIS^^^ SHIT!! (9pm / free / byob)

 -COCAINEON MURGENESIS EVANGELIJAM 

(neon genesis evangelism (anime on netflix) listen-a-long podcast)

LINK TO THE SOUNDCLOUD (link to the soundcloud)

 CHECK IT OUT

Visit my WEEKLY open mic: BEER BELLY OPEN MIC 

@ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Read a short story (the first story from a short story cycle called ‘STAIRWAY INN’ coming soon!): STAIRWAY INN

Cocaine Murder Jam on Youtube

 PS BONUS

s/o to Chad for showing me this brilliant piece of of Cleveland investigative journalism. This vid cooks. Wait for it. 

TWITTER:

View THIS Tweet

follow me personally 

THANKS!

Thanks for reading! 

~thanks for reading~

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

EMAIL ME BACK

:

questions, comments, suggestions, or you just wanna drink from my titty hole jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE

[jasonmelton]

MON SEPT 29TH - THE IDEAL HOMELESS LIFE / HIDE-AND-HIDE

HEY BUD

A woman once told me, “You should realize that a lot of homeless people want to be homeless.” 

I’d never reflected on it, but I thought about those puddles of oil that you see in a parking lot and how beautifully the sun reflects across them, creating a swirling petroleum rainbow. How magical would be to sleep on top of one of those. 

Tonight, I’m throwing a charity show at the Continental to buy socks and supplies for homeless people. ~Info below~. It’ll also be a great show. Please attend, get drunk, party, and help someone other than yourself for once.

Other than that, not a ton of news. Working with kids again. 

I look after a little blond girl with a German accent like a sinister Nazi double agent. The other day she said “Do you want to know what I know?” and the hairs on my neck are still standing even though she was just referring to Michael’s good hide-and-seek spot.

I’m exhausted. The kids take from me. They all want to play. They all want to talk. To tell me their go-nowhere stories. I developed a new game to deal with it. It’s called “hide-and-hide.” They hide, and I also hide.

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

9/29 ALL TALK Comedy Charity Show at the Continental Lounge (upstairs). Chicago, IL. 9:30 pm (suggested $10 donation for the homeless)

9/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at Cafe Mustache. Chicago, IL

 MEME OF THE WEEK

follow @cmj69420 on twitter for more of this shit

 COCAINE MURDER JAM

-BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ CAFE MUSTACHE

CHICAGO SEPT 30TH

Featuring comedy by SAM TALLENT music NATALIE ALFORD improv by  GNAR GNAR SHREDTOWN

COME TO THIS^^^ SHIT!! (9pm)

  -NEW SHORT VIDEO (new short video)

 -LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST:

CMJ’s podcast follows and reviews each episode of an anime, Neon Genesis Evangelion (on Netflix). Watch the show and then listen to our corresponding review / analysis / school shooter jokes. 

 EPISODE 7 DROPS THIS WEEK: 

LINK TO THE SOUNDCLOUD (link to the soundcloud)

 CHECK IT OUT

Visit my WEEKLY open mic: BEER BELLY OPEN MIC 

@ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Read a short story (the first story from a short story cycle called ‘STAIRWAY INN’ coming soon!): STAIRWAY INN

 PS BONUS

I saw Connor O’Malley’s solo show a couple months back, and he used this Christian gun disarming video for one part. I had to look it up. It’s so funny.

TWITTER:

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follow me personally 

THANKS!

Thanks for reading! 

~thanks for reading~

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

questions, comments, suggestions, or you just wanna drink from my titty holes jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE

[jasonmelton]

SEPT 20TH - JIMMY ‘SUPERFLY’ SNUKA T-SHIRT / HOW TO GET A PERSONAL NEWSLETTER

HEY BUD

I now own a Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka t-shirt featuring a cartoon of him gesturing like this: 

Snuka famously leapt from the top of a cage to crush Bob Backlund in front of a packed Madison Square Garden crowd. Despite losing the match, his dive from the cage immortalized him. Also, he likely murdered his girlfriend.

Here’s a pic of him diving off the cage:

Snuka’s girlfriend, Nancy Argentino, died in 1983 at the age of 23. It’s a sad story if you care to research it. While it's unclear exactly what happened, she was likely killed by Snuka and probably lived through more of his violence than that which brought about her end. 

Snuka was arrested at the time of her death but was never charged. He didn't even pay the $500,000 bail claiming 'financial inability' whatever the hell that means.

32 years passed and Snuka was arrested again. New evidence had been brought to light by journalists at the Morning Call, and the demented 72 year old was detained. He went before a judge but charges were dropped. Snuka was deemed 'not mentally fit to stand trial.' Days after, he died. 

I own that guy's shirt.

The fuckers at Prowrestlingtees.com gave it to me. Snuka’s big cartoon head and cowabunga hands. I put up $8 for a ‘random shirt’ and this is the one they chose, no returns allowed.  In a purely capitalistic sense, this is a very clever scheme for unloading murderer t-shirts.

Just a P.S.A.: if there’s one thing that’s not ‘superfly,’ it’s killing your girl. 

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!) (BOTH THESE SHOWS ARE SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT TO ME. PLEASE COME.)

9/29 ALL TALK Comedy Charity Show at Continental (upstairs). Chicago, IL. 9:30 pm (taking donations for the homeless, suggested $10)

9/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at Cafe Mustache. Chicago, IL featuring Sam Tallent, Natalie Alford, and Gnar Gnar Shredtown

 MEME OF THE WEEK

follow @cmj69420 on twitter for more of this shit

 COCAINE MURDER JAM

CHICAGO SEPT 30TH

BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ CAFE MUSTACHE

Featuring comedy by SAM TALLENT music NATALIE ALFORD improv by  GNAR GNAR SHREDTOWN

COME TO THIS^^^ SHIT!! (9pm)

  LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST:

CMJ is doing a review podcast for the anime show Neon Genesis Evangelion (on Netflix). Enjoy the show and then listen to our review / analysis / school shooter jokes. 

 I’m dumb and forgot to promote this for awhile now. We’re on episode 6 but I recommend you start from the beginning with us.

LINK TO THE SOUNDCLOUD (link to the soundcloud)

 CHECK IT OUT

Visit my open mic: BEER BELLY OPEN MIC 

@ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Read a short story (the first story from a short story cycle called ‘STAIRWAY INN’ coming soon!): STAIRWAY INN

 PS BONUS

S/O to Jim for this clip. I have not seen Stranger Things, but I love whenever someone shits on something that is popular (and it’s well done and funny). 

TWITTER:

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follow me personally 

NEW: PERSONAL NEWSLETTER

Reply to this with your address, and I will send you a personal newsletter that I tailor to you personally. It will be very ~personal~.

THANKS!

Thanks for reading! 

~thanks for reading~

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK:

questions, comments, suggestions, or you just wanna drink from my titty holes jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE

[jasonmelton]

MON SEPT 8TH - TRAINING ~~NOT JUST FOR DOGS ANYMORE~~

JOIN MY EMAIL LIST FOR FULL NEWSLETTER (MSG ME FOR DETS)

HEY BUD

School has started. Back to work at school, now a member of ~middle management~.  

They had me lead training. Me in front of 100 employees espousing the virtues of the rules. Hey motherfuckers, the rules are great!!

This is the shit you do. Make the kids follow the rules. You follow the rules. I love the rules. It will suck ass but here’s my ~fake smile~. Don't take it too seriously. Half of you will quit in the next 3 months.

I stand in front of the newbies, the first in a line of people and experiences that will demonstrate to them how this job sucks.

At one point, I  let slip during the last one "you tell the kid to take his hat off everyday and you're like is this my purpose? And it is your purpose."

Fuck work. If I didn’t have to work, I'd have enough time to prove to the world that everyone should be sucking my fat dick, and the world would all be on its knees sucking it.

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

9/10 Smokestack Brew in Mishawaka, IN. 7 pm.

9/13 Wet Cash at Dark Tower Comics. Chicago, IL. 8 pm

9/29 ALL TALK Comedy Charity Show at Continental (upstairs). Chicago, IL. 9:30 pm (taking donations for the homeless)

9/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at Cafe Mustache. Chicago, IL

BLAST FROM THE PAST

I work at a school with a pious security guard. A man of God and officer of safety. Protector from pedophiles and people blocking the bus path. Great part about believing in God is you don’t have to be the boss to feel better than everyone around you. Last Halloween, he attempted to prove obnoxious point. He came to school dressed in religious garments to mock people who fear religion in school. To say, “See! Not only am harmless, but I am moral compass for these children.” The only problem is his religious garments included a white collar. He looked liked a priest which, as we all know, is ~for real~ the scariest thing to have around kids.

COCAINE MURDER JAM

CHICAGO SEPT 30TH

BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ CAFE MUSTACHE

Featuring comedy by SAM TALLENT music NATALIE ALFORD improv by  GNAR GNAR SHREDTOWN

COME TO THIS^^^ SHIT!! (9pm)

CHECK IT OUT

Visit my open mic:

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

Read a short story (the basis of a short story cycle called ‘STAIRWAY INN’ coming soon!):

STAIRWAY INN

PS BONUS

I died laughing at this whole story and especially the video interview.

TWITTER:

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THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

~thanks for reading~

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK:

HIT ME UP

questions, comments, suggestions, get my social and come drink from the titty hole jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE

[jasonmelton]

STAIRWAY INN

by JASON MELTON

-they get to motel 

New asphalt looks wet under streetlights where they put a shitty motel. The man stops his shitty blue Subaru. He’s got a woman with him and a greasy bag of pizza for dinner. The motel, really everything about this, has gotta end.

He looks up at the motel sign. “Huh, the STAIRWAY INN,” he says as blood runs into his left eye. He dabs a cut with his sleeve and smears blood across his forehead. “Shit.”

She climbs out of the mid-sized vehicle slowly. She doesn’t slam the door, but pushes it until it’s all the way closed. He waits. She makes it last a little while. She stands near the car looking on. She holds her elbow. Her arm protectively covers the area just above her belly. Biting at dry blood caked to her lips. 

-enter motel office

She doesn’t approach the counter. She fumbles through her bag. She finds her credit card and hands it to him. The clerk watches. He shows the clerk the card and says “looks like I hold all the cards.” He smiles really big as he hands it over.  The card is declined. “Thanks for the help,” he says to the clerk or maybe the credit card machine? He looks kinda toward the corner of the office. No one can tell if he’s joking. 

He pats his wallet, watching her through the side of his eye. “It’s really funny that I’m paying for this.”

He straightens up and says, “Why is this place called ‘The Stairway Inn’? Motels don’t have stairs. So what the fuck?” No one seems to hear. By the way, she seems smaller than ever.

-leave motel office

The motel has a nautical paint job, glossy white building, rooms with blue doors. Beside the wet concrete, they walk past many rooms heading toward their own. It’s nauseating. 

“I feel like a dick,” he says. “Here’s what should have happened in the office. When you gave me your card, I should have said ‘You sure you got this?’ and you could have been like ‘no, and I could have been like ‘don’t worry, I got this.’ Also, instead of saying ‘it’s really funny I’m paying for this.’ I should have said, ‘It’s kinda funny I’m paying for this,” he looks in her eyes, “Right?”

She stops, crosses her arms across her belly. Her concerned face points at her feet. She is crying really hard.

The big guy frowns. He says, “Look, I can’t wait to see this fucking stairway. They named the whole goddamn place after it so you know it’s good. We’re both gonna like it. Best stairway in the midwest.” His head bleeds.

-eat pizza in room

The greasy pizza bag lays on the counter. 

She sits on the bed, mouth stuffed with pizza. Her legs dangle without touching the ground. She takes more bits from the giant slice before swallowing lumps of cheese and sauce already filling her mouth. 

He says, “What do you think?”

She almost smiles.

She realizes she’s almost smiling. She drops the pizza on the floor, and rolls away from him wrapping herself in the blanket. Smothered whimpers creep from under the sheet. 

-noise down hall

“Weak ass stairway,” he says, turning on the TV. “It’s just metal. Simple design. Weak as hell.”

She uses the remote to turn up the volume. In a motel, people are allowed to listen to TV at full volume because everyone there is as equally good dead as they are alive. 

Forensic Files blares. Victims, law enforcement describe horrific crimes. He and she share the bed but do not touch. They take in the crimes, lying about a foot away from one another.

“It’s a shame they don’t let the pedophiles on this show defend themselves,” he says. She looks at him, wiping part of her tear stream away. “‘I was fucking born this way’ the pedophiles should say that. ‘Just let me fuck who I want.’ The big problem with pedophiles is they don’t stand up for themselves.” She hears what he says.  

Noise down the hall gets loud. It drones under the sound of the TV. Layers of sound.

He notices her clenched fists. Blood pools in the corners of her mouth. The tears are trapped under her eyelids. Noise down the hall. Noise from TV. Static in his head.

With his back to her, he refers to the sound in the hall saying, “Sounds like the bikers are back to rape my mom.” He pauses and braces himself for her reaction. 

Nothing happens. He looks back. She’s unphased by the line. Doubling down. “They’re going to be pretty disappointed when I tell them mom is dead.”

Her body tightens. Her spine arcs backward into the bed. Blood smears off her lip onto the hard motel blanket. He says, “Guess they’ll have to rape her corpse.” Leaning away, bracing himself again. 

Her spine solidifies. It’s one solid bone, a horn spiking from ass to neck. Two seconds pass. Finally, her body deflates. She’s a puddle. 

He says, “Hey, it’s time for bed, okay?” 

-morning

Sunlight pushes into the room through thin curtains.

She watches him as he stands shirtless in the mirror. He raises his arm over his head and inspects teeth marks that run up his ribs. She scrunches her nose. “It’s fine,” he says directed to her. 

He looks back. Her eyes are closed. She pretends to be asleep. 

“It’s fine,” he says again, directed to no one.

He touches the red and purple marks, and listens to noise coming from down the hall. It sounds like someone carrying furniture in and out. Or maybe someone is replacing a sink. His head feels hot. Scabs that have replaced wet lacerations.

The teeth welts scabbed too. Must have been three or four good bites. Hard to remember.

He notices her looking at him from the bed. He says, “Good morning, do you want to talk with me?”

She yawns and watches him, silently. Her eyes look big though.

He begins, “I read this thing once…”

She turns her back to him.

He goes on anyway, “I read this thing once. About atoms, quantum or something. Like science shit. They compared atoms to people who get on and off a train in a city. It said on a given day, some guy Bob might ride the train to work. Some lady Christina might take the train to the park. Lots of people create a stream flowing on and off the train. It looks like a stream but it’s individual people like Bob and Christina. But then one day, Bob’s sick so he doesn’t go to work. On that day, just by chance, Jimmy decides to visit a museum. He gets on the train in Bob’s place, and you never know that Bob was missing. The stream is the same as always. This whole thing is supposed to prove something about science, but I forget what. I just always like that image of Bob on the train. The idea that sometimes you disappear, and it doesn’t affect anything at all.”

She doesn’t move. Back in a city, people get on and off a train.

He touches her arm softly, he whispers “Hey, it’s time to go... Okay?” 

This moment is the saddest moment. Things were often bad, but this moment is the abject worst. They only feel it. The lowest feeling ever. However, they never understand its true gravity. It’s too abstract. There isn’t a concrete action or event for a memory to attach itself. The saddest part of the whole thing is easy to forget. In fact, they both forget it within the minute. 

-they walk to the car

For some reason, the asphalt looks dry with the sun up.

She walks ahead, gets to the blue car and climbs in. He walks slowly, making it last. He notices the sign. 

“Oh shit.” 

It says, ‘STARWAY INN.’

“Hey,” he starts, “the whole stairway thing was...” 

She is stunning. She looks sad and more beautiful than anyone he has ever seen before. Importantly, she is not crying. 

Right next to her in the car, a speck of dust floats. The air is still inside the car, and it creates a vacuum. The speck of dust does not fly in any direction but hangs in the air, perfectly in place. 

[jasonmelton]

MON AUG 12TH - NAME AND FACE PERSON / STAIRWAY INN

HEY BUD

Yo, it’s dumb as hell when someone is a ‘face person’ and not a ‘name person.’ Name people can remember faces too. It’s not like they remember your name but not your face: ‘Your name is Scott, but your face looks crazy to me. That’s your face, Scott??’

You remember faces, not names? Well, I can remember both, motherfucker.

Gonna keep this shorter than usual. Instead, I would really like you to read my new short story called STAIRWAY INN.

SHOWS OF THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

8/21 Clipped Mics at Crown Liquors. Chicago, IL 9 pm

8/24 Cocaine Murder Jam at Gallery Cabaret. Chicago, IL. 9 pm

8/25 Cocaine Murder Jam at Shithole. Chicago, IL

8/27 Tomato Show at Comedy Bar. Chicago, IL 8 pm

9/10 Mishawaka, IN

9/30 Cocaine Murder Jam at Cafe Mustache. Chicago, IL

BLAST FROM THE PAST

In 2015, I gave a man a 5% discount on a guitar. He dialed my call center from Gary, Indiana and told me his wife left him so now he gets to spend all his money on himself.

Pretty sweet way of dealing with a traumatic experience.

I gave him the discount for no reason. He didn’t ask. I just liked him. I liked the idea that he’s going to treat himself from now on.

He was overjoyed. He told me I could marry his daughter but added 'she's a little slow.' Then he asked to talk to my supervisor so he could tell him I deserve a Cadillac.

I felt incredible that day.

COCAINE MURDER JAM

CHICAGO

AUGUST 24TH

BIG SHOW ALERT:

COCAINE MURDER JAM @ GALLERY CABARET

Featuring  music by Andrew Young / comedy by Arish Singh, Chad Weaver, Rebecca Loeser

COME TO THIS SHIT!! (9pm)

COME OPEN MIC

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm) ~stand-up comedy~

PS BONUS

I respect you all as subscribers, but this is more or less what would happen if any of you tried to fight me.

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

HIT ME UP

questions, comments, suggestions, get my social and come drink from the titty hole jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

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[jasonmelton]

MON JULY 222TH - GHOST BIKES / THINKING ABOUT STOLEN PACKAGE FOR 14 HOURS

[jasonmelton]

HEY BUD

Been working for the Biggest Paint Company in the World. It’s true. The Biggest. Hot women love that I am employed by the Biggest Paint Company in the World. They ask me “Please let me suck your pee pee. Please. Please.” And I respond: “No way. I’m gay as hell, dumb-fuck.”

Truth is I’m not gay. I’m saving myself for true love or an upper middle class woman who can support me cuz I make close to minimum wage.

At the Biggest Paint Company in the World.  

Morning, city roads, I have the good fortune of delivering 44 gallons of paint thinner to Alsip, Illinois. Driving around with that horrid combustible shit in the back of my van for hours.

After slamming brakes on the expressway, some asshole, I have an epiphany. The best thing that could happen to me right now is for my van to explode.

Action movie ending. Someone slams into me, I lose control, launch a cliff, and then 44 gallons of fire shoot out the back of the van. Look I don’t have much going for me. This is worth it.

I have no kids, no property, making close to minimum wage. Action movie ending. Certain deaths are better than certain lives. Sometimes Bruce Lee kills a man in one punch, and we jump to our feet and cheer! That man’s death! Good!

Before you feel all bad for me, remember Jesus. Remember it was important for him to die. If not for his death, then some shit about sinning. I’m like him. I’m like Jesus.

SHOWS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE (CHICAGO!!!)

7/25 Comedy Bar. Chicago, IL 8 pm

7/31 Crown Liquors. Chicago, IL

8/2 Opening for Sam Tallent, Elgin IL

8/8 Freshman Experience at Transistor Chicago. Chicago, IL. 7 pm

8/24 Cocaine Murder Jam at Gallery Cabaret. Chicago, IL. 9 pm

9/24 Cocaine Murder Jam at Cafe Mustache. Chicago, IL

WHAT’S GOOD?

Hitting a peak of being busy. A long time ago, I saw a science exhibit which was just the circulatory system of a cadaver. They had removed all other body tissue besides the veins and arteries using science, patience, and serial-killer like curiosity. I am so busy I feel like that guy. Like I have been stripped to just my blood pumpers. I’m working 6 am shifts at the paint warehouse, teaching myself to code Javascript, visiting family, hanging with friends, Cocaine Murder Jam rehearsals, podcast meetings, writing a talk show, and stand up. Last weekend I saw Bill Callahan AND Built to Spill. How do I do it all? The answer is simple: uppers.

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

Season 3 in progress! So far, we’ve recorded one episode. It was a fucking mess. The guest was topless half the show, trying to fuck me and Adam. Worst of all, we didn’t get through enough celebrity birthdays. It’s shaping up to be a good season.

LISTEN TO SEASON 2:

1. Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin 5. Blake Burkhart 6. Lael O’Shaughnessy 7. William Beteet 8. Joe McMahon

COCAINE MURDER JAM

CHICAGO AUGUST 24TH

BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ GALLERY CABARET

COME TO THIS SHIT!! (9pm)

COME OPEN MIC

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

Thanks Mike. Now I appreciate the lives of cop wives.

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

HIT ME UP

questions, comments, suggestions, corrections, ask for my social and come drink from hole in tit jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

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[jasonmelton]

MON JUNE 11TH - PEDOPHILES NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE BUDGET!

HEY BUD

Big things this month: SOUTH BEND: support me at the Drop. rare chance to see me do a long set. CHICAGO: cocaine murder jam is back at the best venue to see weird comedy, the Hideout.

A kindergarten boy whispered to me: sometimes when my mom isn’t paying attention, I sneak on my iPad and watch youtube videos about King Tut.

Fucking Pervert.

The kids are learning about jokes. Here’s a few we wrote together:

Q Why did the chicken go to space? A He wanted to see the Earth.

1 Knock knock.

2 Who’s there?

1 Mama.

2 Mama who? 1 Mama mama.  

1 Knock knock.

2 Who’s there?

1 Sense.

2 Sense who? 1 It doesn’t make sense!

Speaking of kids, there’s an openly pedophile candidate running for congress. How does being openly pedophile help you? Is he trying to secure the pedophile vote?

These pedophiles are single issue voters. Seems like the only issue they care about is legalizing sex with children. Hey! What about the budget! Jeez!

LIVE SHOWS (SOUTH BEND, IN; EVANSTON, IL; CHICAGO!!!)

6/14 The Drop Comedy Club. South Bend, IN

6/15 The Drop Comedy Club. South Bend, IN

6/16 Wild Comedy Club at Celtic Knot Public House. Evanston, IL 7 pm

6/23 Cocaine Murder Jam at Shithole. Chicago, IL. message for details

6/24 Cocaine Murder Jam at the Hideout. Chicago, IL. 7 pm

WHAT’S GOOD?

I got kicked off the producing team of High Dive. I still like those guys. Be careful when you speak your mind. Check beforehand if you have a crazy fucked up mind.

It feels like I’m going through a breakup. I’m hoping I don’t accidentally bump into say a Nate Burrows (my ex-coproducer). I fear the shame and rejection that will wash over me. They’re gonna be sorry when they see how thin I get.

Listen to my account of a wedding where my brothers eat toxic spray paint PLUS OTHER BS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgTGmTndJt0

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO LISTEN. IF YOU CAN’T PICK, I RECOMMEND NUMBER 2.  

1. Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin 5. Blake Burkhart 6. Lael O’Shaughnessy 7. William Beteet 8. Joe McMahon

COCAINE MURDER JAM

CHICAGO JUNE 24TH

BIG SHOW ALERT: COCAINE MURDER JAM @ THE HIDEOUT

COME TO THIS SHIT!! (7pm)

VISIT MY OPEN MIC

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

Somehow listen to the song ‘Drover’ by Bill Callahan. Figure it out yourself, fucker!

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / Me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

questions, comments, suggestions, corrections, ask for my address and come drink from my chest? jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

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[jasonmelton]

MON MAY 29TH - ELICIT GAY CHILDREN

HEY BUD

Come to Cocaine Murder Jam at Slate this Friday 9:30 pm. Free. COME TO IT, JESUS

Trigger warning: later, the word “gay”

While I was monitoring children, a 7th grade boy mimed deep-throating a banana. I pretended not to see it because I’m excited for summer.

Can’t be excited when children are performing sexual acts all around you like a Greek painting.

You can choose to be happy, folks.

LIVE SHOWS (CHICAGO!!!)

-Every Thursday: High Dive Comedy at High Dive, Chicago, IL 8:30 pm

-5/31 Cocaine Murder Jam at Slate. Chicago, IL

MEME OF THE WEEK

image5.jpeg

sneak preview of an upcoming CMJ meme.

WHAT’S GOOD?

Feel generally confused about what’s going on. Having nightmares of loved ones fucking fat people. Thinking about going to an art museum or maybe just ending it all. I want to write an album. Music. I just am inspired by Bill Callahan who I’m seeing in a month. ANYONE I KNOW LIKE BILL CALLAHAN?! If I know me I’m gonna think about writing an album for a year then never do it.

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

Gotta re-edit the live one. Look for that soon. Also my ex asked me to take down her episode cuz she wants to destroy any evidence we ever met or some gay shit like that. Enjoy what’s left:

1. Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin 5. Blake Burkhart 6. Lael O’Shaughnessy 7. William Beteet 8. Joe McMahon

COCAINE MURDER JAM

CHICAGO, BIG SHOW THIS FRIDAY AT SLATE (5/31, 9PM, FREE)

New sketches about old people, the Japanese, and Donald H Trump.

image2.jpeg

VISIT A WEEKLY STAND-UP SHOW

HIGH DIVE COMEDY: @ High Dive, Thursdays (8:30 pm)

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

Check out this man’s weird body.

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / Me

image3.jpeg

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

image4.jpeg

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

questions, comments, suggestions, corrections, ask for my address to come blow me?

jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

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[jasonmelton]

MON MAY 12TH - I REALIZE IT"S NOT MONDAY

HEY BUD

I'll begin with a personal admission. In the morning, I go to bathroom, grip the towel rack, and whisper “Hiya!” as I forcefully drain my piss into the toilet.

Dodge ball is deemed unsafe and banned by Chicago Public Schools. One 3rd grader's opinion:

“CPS already isn’t safe because a video of Momo came on Krishna’s computer and everyone started crying.”

Hey, if you put up more than 8 Instagram stories in one day, I’m worried about you.

Anymore, I just have ideas. I can’t tell if they’re good or bad. For example, on my desktop 'New Doc 36' contains a note that reads “how about a stand-up show where comedians are gruesomely tortured and murdered near the exit as you leave the show.”

How about it?

LIVE SHOWS (CHICAGO!!!)

-Every Thursday: High Dive Comedy at High Dive, Chicago, IL 8:30 pm

-5/31 Cocaine Murder Jam at Slate. Chicago, IL

WHAT’S GOOD?

There’s only one life hack: do drugs. Here’s a newish clip of me doing stand-up comedy.

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

Super-mega thanks to everyone who came to the live show on Wednesday. That episode will available soon. Just gotta edit it. In the meantime, check out an episode from Season 2:

1. Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin 5. Blake Burkhart 6. Lael O’Shaughnessy 7. William Beteet III  8. Judaea Driscoll 9. Joe McMahon

COCAINE MURDER JAM

We finally reached 250 followers on twitter and in only 4 years so we got a Pinata and stuff. Thanks, if you’re a follower.

Our next show is May 31st at Slate Art + Performance. We got new sketches. Come see it! Also, we’re back at the Hideout soon. Will announce that soon. Shirts and zines will be available for purchase.

VISIT A WEEKLY STAND-UP SHOW

HIGH DIVE COMEDY: @ High Dive, Thursdays (8:30 pm)

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

E-mailed this haunting video to myself sometime in the last 6 months. No idea where it’s from. Check it out.

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / Me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

questions, comments, suggestions, corrections, ask for my address to come blow me?

jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

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[jasonmelton]

MON MAY 4TH - I CAN PROVE GOD IS REAL I.E. I FOUND $60

HEY BUD

Firstly, Chicago people! Please come to the live Robocop 2 recording at Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday at 8pm (FREE!). Before you ask, Pepsi will be available.

~~~

Anyway, I believe in God now.

Didn't a week ago. Driving to karaoke, I argue with Kristen about it and, angrily,  she says, “You don’t believe in anything!”

I am like ‘damn.’ Ever realize you’re a bummer? No wonder barely anyone ever wants to suck my huge ass dick.

We drive to this karaoke bar, and 5 minutes after walking through the door, I find $300 bucks. A pile of $20s on the hardwood floor. No one else around to claim it. I gather it up and split it with my pals so I walk away with $60.

Here’s why I believe in God: Who else? Who else? but an omniscient, omnipotent being could know that my price is $60? That’s EXACTLY how much I cost.

See ya in church.

And to the poor soul who lost $300. I mean clearly there’s no God.

LIVE SHOWS (CHICAGO!!!)

5/8 ROBCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON LIVE! with Adam and Jason (special guest Dale McPeek) @ Gallery Cabaret (8pm FREE)

5/31 Cocaine Murder Jam @ Slate Art and Performance

~~P.S. Check out High Dive Comedy, Thursdays @ High Dive (8:30 pm FREE)~~

WHAT’S GOOD?

How about how people apologize for being inconsistent? “~~Oh sorry, we didn’t get the podcast, newsletter, insulin to you in time. We’re blah blah excuses excuses.” Look buddy, I took a month off of writing the newsletter because I was very busy visualizing my own death. Uh yeah. Sometimes, there’s more important stuff to do.

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

Like I said at the top: please please come to the live show at Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday (5/8 - 8pm - free). It will be fucking big!

In the meantime, get caught up with the season:1. Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin 5. Blake Burkhart 6. Lael O’Shaughnessy 7. William Beteet III  8. Judaea Driscoll

COCAINE MURDER JAM

We’ve booked Slate Arts and Performance for May 31st. Mark your calanders. We have 3 news sketches. A couple classics and a new format. It will be badass.

VISIT A WEEKLY STAND-UP EVENT

HIGH DIVE COMEDY: @ High Dive, Thursdays (8:30 pm)

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

S/O to Jim for showing me this sludge oldies shit. Can’t stop listening to it: Chipmunks on 16 Speed

PPS BONUS

Thank you Roman for this.

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / Me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE 🎵EMAIL ME BACK🎵:

questions, comments, suggestions, corrections, directions for how to cum (I don’t know how!), corrections for how to cum (I don’t know how!).

jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

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[jasonmelton]

MON APR 10TH - REAL FEAR /// DOG THERAPY

HEY BUD

I never cry over real threats. I’ll be in the bath--where I have my deepest fears-- worried about what the guys all think about me.

I never fear like Al Qaeda. No matter what George Bush says about my endangered freedom. I’m like, ‘please god, let the guys approve of my sweater’

Then, I have a servant squeeze a sponge full of warm water over my head.

///

I’ve been in therapy almost two years. I don’t have insurance so I see student therapists. Right, there’s no chance I'm getting the good stuff.

Plus, my therapists keep graduating and then I have to get a new one.

I can’t tell if any of this mindfulness or cognitive shit is really fixing me. Usually I go home and attempt some psychological exercise, spend most the time worried if I’m doing it right, and by the time I’m done, I forgot what my problem was.

Hey doc, maybe I’m gay? Doc responds, “meditate on how it feels to be alone.” I attempt meditation: I close my eyes and ask myself: Is this meditation? 10 mins pass. I open my eyes. Guess I’m not gay.

What happened? I spent my energy wondering what meditation is, but I did that instead of being a mentally ill, spiraling idiot.

My therapist uses meditation the way you use a chew toy to keep your dog from eating the furniture. To which I respond: If I’m just a dog then how come I can’t lick my own balls?

LIVE SHOWS (CHICAGO! CINCY! NASHVILLE! GREENSBORO!)

4/11 High Dive. Chicago, IL 8:30 pm

4/13 Brendan Burns at North Bar. Chicago, IL 8 pm / Hit me up for comps

4/17 Cincinnati, OH (let’s hang out!)

4/18 Brewery Laughs at Southern Grist Brewery. Nashville, TN. 7 pm

4/18 Comedy Bar. Nashville, TN. 10 pm

4/19 Comedy Bar. Nashville, TN. 10 pm

4/20 Sky Blue Cafe. Nashvile, TN 8 pm

4/20 Comedy Bar. Nashville, TN. 10 pm

4/21 KNOW AN EASTER SHOW I CAN HOPE IN TN / NC AREA??

4/22 North Carolina Comedy Festival. Greensboro, NC

4/23 North Carolina Comedy Festival. Greensboro, NC

4/25 Comedy Bar. Nashville, TN. 10 pm

4/26 Comedy Bar. Nashville, TN. 10 pm

4/27 Comedy Bar. Nashville, TN. 10 pm

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

Listen to episodes from Season 2::: !!

Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin 5. Blake Burkhart

COCAINE MURDER JAM

We’re locking down a date at Slate, prob early June. Will let ya know. In the meantime, we’re posting nothing but heat on twitter. 100% quality, baby. Follow.

Shirts: $20 plus s/h

VISIT A WEEKLY STAND-UP EVENT

HIGH DIVE COMEDY: @ High Dive, Thursdays (8:30 pm)

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

My current fav tune: Numb Numb Juice

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / Me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK:

questions, comments, suggestions, funeral arrangements, directions for how to cum (i don’t know how!)

jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE

[jasonmelton]

MON APR 3TH - LIFE FEELS LIKE HOW I IMAGINE THE BOOK ‘THE STRANGER’ IS BUT I HAVEN’T READ ‘THE STRANGER’ SO I MIGHT BE WAY OFF BASE

HEY BUD

Grandpa died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can’t be sure.

Just kidding, he died yesterday for sure. That's the thing from ‘The Stranger,’ a book I have never read.

My grandpa died, and I loved him. I thought he was funny especially before he became demented.

When I was a kid, he told me he knew he didn’t snore because he stayed up one night to listen, and he didn’t snore even once. He had mostly self-deprecating humor, but one time, he told a waitress the fat lady with us wanted to order page 1 and page 2 of the menu.

He had dementia for the past few years. He wasn’t himself. On his 87th birthday, my dad asked him if he knew who I was. He said, “Oh yeah, we were in school together.” Oh were we? This dumbass get held back 60 years??

It must have been tough having dementia as beards became the prevalent style. The cousins showing up to Christmas looking more like a biker gang each year. Frightening, but at least it explains why we kept beating his ass.

I’ll miss him, but I already missed him before he died. I kept his copy of Ulysses. As kids, if we weren’t behaving, he’d always threaten to read it to us.

LIVE SHOWS (CHICAGO!)

4/4 High Dive. Chicago, IL 8:30 pm

4/6 Blackout Diaries at Under the Gun Theater. Chicago, IL. 10 pm

WHAT’S GOOD?

Terrible, really nothing but terrible. Except my friend Sabeen gave me a brownie. That was nice. I’m watching Twin Peaks. Picked up from where I left off on the show from 3 years ago when I was drunkenly binging it. No idea what’s happening. Who are all these people? Tonally, it is calming and very scary. That’s good enough.

Other night, I was buying chocolate chips at Aldi, and I stood in line behind a woman who looked like an exgirlfriend. I wasn’t sure. Spent a long time that night trying to look at pics of my ex and found myself blocked on every kind of social media. Still unsure if that was just a stranger, or in fact, the woman I spent years of my life with.

ROBOCOP 2 WITH ADAM AND JASON

Listen to four new episodes from Season 2::: !!

Kahlil Wilson, 2. Tim McLaughlin, 3. Sammy Arechar, 4. Nicky Martin

COCAINE MURDER JAM

IN rebuilding phase after the big Hideout show. Looking to secure a venue, constant steam of tweets, eating Chinese at Jim’s marble countertop. Mike got some kind of green coffee. Idk, keep in touch.

Shirts still available:  $20 plus s/h

WEEKLY STAND UP

HIGH DIVE COMEDY: @ High Dive, Thursdays (8:30 pm)

BEER BELLY OPEN MIC @ North Bar, Thursdays (11 pm)

PS BONUS

This song about making music in the basement gets me pumped.

TWITTER:

Cocaine Murder Jam / Me

THANKS!

Thanks for reading!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK:

questions, comments, suggestions, funeral arrangements, directions for how to cum (i don’t know how!)

jasonmeltoncomedy@gmail.com

ARCHIVE