jennifer-tsai-blog

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

sometimes, you have to walk away. you have to look at the things you’re giving energy to and realize that even though you could stay, and try to win their validation or try to make it up their ladder, you could also make the dauntless choice to take whatever energy you have left to a space that welcomes you. it’s never an easy decision to make, and it’s never easy to accept that you might be walking down a path that will involve risk and new unknowns. But there are times in life where walking away is the best thing to do for the health of your heart, and who you are becoming. even if it means that people will change their opinions of you...opinions of you that are not even rooted in truth. you may still need to walk away, trusting that there is so much more ahead of you.

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

flourish;

a few quotes that have immensely changed the way i think in everyday life:

1. whenever you feel like criticizing someone, just remember that all the people in the world haven’t had the advantages you had -- f.scott fitzgerald, the great gatsby

2. stop dwelling on the past: you can not change what has already happened, but you are in full control of how you react and go about the situation -- dad

3. and when he died, i suddenly realized i wasn’t crying for him at all, but for all the things he did. i cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the backyard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes in the way he did. he was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. he was individual. -- ray bradbury, fahrenheit 451

4. the less you care the happier you’ll be

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

en route to ...

In the past few months, I have learned how important is it to pursue what brings you true happiness, and leave off other matters behind. I have pushed myself to work hard and overcome challenges. I have learned to stand up for what I believed in; to not let the opinions of others impose limits on my abilities. More significantly, though, this one realization has become increasingly distinct throughout my personal pursuits: success, no matter how you define or measure it, will never be what you have initially wished for it to be. I have been through many journeys where I have constructed an idealized goal for myself, believing that if I worked hard enough, I will be able to achieve this glory of success. I became blinded by this ambitious objective, overlooking the obstacles and bumps I must grind through along the way. When faced with a challenge, my only motivation to keep going is the fear of not achieving my goal; so I persisted without genuine reason or purpose. In no way am I implying that goals are bad, in fact, they are valuable to help guide people in a general direction of their pursuits. They shouldn’t be, however, in any way restricting to what you should or must achieve. Overly lofty or specific goals often leads to frustration when this measure of “success” is not attained; anything that doesn’t align with this goal can be seen as a failure or irrelevant.

Let me illustrate this using personal example. A year ago, I had a goal of qualifying for the national science fair. Despite having little experience in the science fair scene, I knew that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to reach this goal. Working tirelessly on the project with my partner, my motivations were focussed towards winning rather than enjoying the process of exploring my interests and passions. In this state of mind, the work felt boring and meaningless; yes, I was working hard, but I felt like a machine that just wanted to get things done. I was drained of passion and enthusiasm for the project. Two months before the competition, the synergy between my partner and I became strained. He was uncompromising for what I had to say and we were not cooperating well together. As a result, he decided to drop out of the project. I was upset at his sudden decision to abandon the project we have been working on for months, but even more so, I was frustrated that my chance of winning was instantly destroyed. Failing to acknowledge the skills and knowledge I have gained throughout the process, I realized that I had, in fact, failed at attaining my goal. I thought all my effort and dedication had gone to waste, and that my journey was over.

Should I have had a mindset to learn and grow from my experience, I would have been much more accepting of the way the project turned out. Should I have been less goal oriented and placed less burdening expectations on myself, I would have at least felt a sense of accomplishment for how far I had come. No, I didn’t reach my goal, but little did I realize that I was successful in the acquirement of invaluable problem-solving, innovation, and research skills. I became more aware of my strengths, interests, and weaknesses. In hindsight, I am proud of what I have achieved throughout the journey; I broke out of my comfort zone to explore something new, I worked diligently in various aspects of the research project, and most importantly, I discovered what success and happiness truly mean to me.

When the measure of success is explicitly defined at the beginning of one’s journey, it hinders individuals in their ability to accept downfalls and to recognize personal growth. No matter how lost you feel, don’t expect too much from yourself; bear an open mind to change and development. Step into the journey with an objective to learn from your experience. By all means, work your fucking ass off. Effort and genuine passion will pay off and steer you in the right direction of success. Ultimately, happiness and fulfilment will follow naturally when you liberate yourself from external and personal expectations.

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

eclipse; letters to the seasons and the men they used to be

winter: i have a habit of clenching onto everything i love, and you were no exception. you blew furiously into my heartstrings: my body numbing with pain, my voice shattering like icicles. i was fighting, yet you shamed me for the cracks on my skin. its like you were waiting for me to fall -- so you could embrace me with your white blanket, to satiate your desires with ice-burning strokes. when you touch me, i sting. but baby, that will never be a bad thing.

spring: you told me to be patient: that the downpour of despair will soon cease, and to wait for the blooming of new hope. yet, all i’ve seen is an ingrown plant; captured by towering shadows above, struggling to make an appearance to reality. what’s the point of fertile soil if all you’re going to do is drive the sunshine away? what’s the point of waiting if you’re just going to drive the sunshine away from me?

summer: i used to envy your energy, your undying heat -- but for the first time, i learned that i needed a shield to look into your eyes. you make me glow, except you also wilted the plants that gave me breath. i waited for the prismatic colours you cast onto the seabed, every dawn and dusk. kaleidoscopic; your changing hues, i wonder if your emotions towards me will ever be steady.

fall: now, i can’t tell whether i’m falling for you or if you’re falling on me. forget brisk, autumn breezes: you are the gusting winds howling in my mind. ever so often, pieces of you drift down from the sky, hopeless, as if you want me to rake up your mess so other people can jump into your disillusioned joy. you tell me to be grounded with you, but i stumble in your darkness. i wish i could show you how lost i would be without you.

--

@jennifer-tsai

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

finifugal -- gr. 10 memoir

(adj.) hating endings; of someone who tries to avoid or prolong the final moment of a story, relationship, or some other journey.

1. the bustling of dancing trees, crunching gravel rocks beneath my feet. mama says not to cut through the forest but i do it anyway. winter petrichor, the bitter stiffness in the morning breeze making my skin sting; "goddammit i forgot to put on chapstick”. racing the 8:15 bell until my calves get tight.

2. cold sweat, swarming butterflies before a math test. i studied right? vociferous laughter to mask the lingering angst in the classroom atmosphere. the frantic shuffling of notebook paper even if i know i’ve studied well last night. scared of failure? pshh, we all were.

3. i’d call it my safe spot: there's something within the crackles of witty jokes, the mellow War of 1812 documentary screening that everyone pretends to listen to, the whirlwind of chatters that makes it so comforting. eyelids heavy and weary, letting my own head fall. monotonic murmurs, unintelligible now, dazy, half-slurred screams fighting over what, a candy box? telling myself to sleep earlier at night, but who really does that.

4. it’s the mental mindset that makes you strong, people say. fire fueling in my lungs, dirt muddying my shoes, letting the downpour wash away my mascara stains. how much longer until the finish line? each stride must penetrate the gusting winds, but soon enough, i’ll succumb. no, come on!! not yet. you’re not losing to this pain; almost there, almost there, almost there...

5. overpacked suitcases, blazers i stole from my mother’s closet. blistered toes from high heels, surprised to find myself unscathed by the turbulence of lunch hour crowds. adrenaline rushing like the torrent of a hurricane from being the first one to speak, but standing up the next time to find that my legs are no longer wobbly. sleep deprived coffee runs through milky Vancouver street lights; dragging each other out of bed, slathering on undereye concealer to look somewhat pretty. the love, the community. bittersweet longings, this is my type of a weekend getaway.

6. realizing the cliche saying that “nothing is fair in life”. with swollen eyes, a heaping mountain of tissue paper, wondering why tears taste of salt water; complaining about how i always get the short end of the stick by my father’s bedside. in hindsight it’s silly, but everyone’s ought to learn it in some way.

7. impulsive downtown adventures to soothe what we call exam-stress. overpriced desserts in jazzy, cocoa-infused coffee shops, walks along the quay, skyline pulsing with a golden hour glow. light-hearted conversations, unadulterated joy, dozing off on skytrains. oh, don’t forget to get home before dark though! 

8. i guess you can call it the uncivilized, shady part of town: saturated with makeshift tents, scattered with filthy clothed people, hunched over with garbage bags slung behind their backs. don’t get too close, they’re all drug addicts, they say. -- but here we are, hauling boxes of fresh-baked bread and apple juice, rigid ice hands but warm-flowing hearts. gifts: the glimmer of tired eyes, yellow-stained teeth revealing behind saggy smile lines, the mere “thank you”. virtues: respect, empathy, open-mindedness.

9. the solace of finally finding ‘my type’ of people. genuine undying love, telling me that “i can do it” or that “it’s ok”. laughing hysterically at the computer screen, deep midnight talks until finally deciding to sleep, inside jokes.

10. yearbooks brimmed with sappy messages, bear hugs, backslapping goodbyes. to all those who supported me: thank you.

here’s to new beginnings; junior year please be nice.

--

@jennifer-tsai

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

This is about losing someone you love. This is about trying to cope and save them…but losing them anyway.

[jennifer-tsai-blog]

Still, you want something bigger than this. This, this meadow of memories. This, this room drenched in everything you want to forget. This, this grey world with nowhere soft to land on. You dream of a moment that you have no name for. Though sometimes, the way love sighs seems close enough. After all, there still remains a part of you that loves like it’s eyes meeting at first sight. Believes in stolen glances and peppering kisses on bruised knees. After all, there still remains a part of you that stands in the middle of a crowd, curling inside itself with a slight flutter in your gut for someone to notice you. Still, you want something bigger than this. This, this forever hoping but never fully satisfied. This, this dream that always seems to lead right back to the fantasy you’ve known could never come alive. This, this room with too many exit signs but not enough welcome mats. You want something bigger than this. You want something bigger than what your heart can contain.

(NJ.) // a universe within a moment  (via nostalgicjoy)