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I will never forget the moment that I've seen you in all eternities.

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The magic is, whatever you think will happen, happens.

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the day I decided to love myself

If you are waiting for a specific day when I started to love myself, I wouldn’t give you that. It’s because loving yourself is a continuous process, it doesn’t just happen in an instance, it’s a lifetime decision you got to commit to every single day. I am writing this down to remind me and anyone who would read this that as soon as you felt that you are no longer happy with how you look, how you feel and how things go around you, you just have to do it. I’ve talked about self-love but this time, I’d be more specific – my weight.

I have been out of school for almost 7 years and throughout those years, I have been working. I’ve been with variety of work schedules, graveyard, morning, afternoon, you name it. Not to mention that it often changes every damn week. I’ve been through happy times, heartbreaks, failures and lots of challenges throughout my journey and I guess all the emotional and physiological triggers that I had and still have up to this day brought me to my endless struggle to lose weight.

I knew I was a bit bigger than my classmates before I started working but I’ve never been overweight. It has always been normal. I used to believe that I would never be fat-looking because of my height because it has always compensated my weight but sadly, it didn’t remain like that.

I gained 20 kilograms (44 lbs) in the course of 2 years and that made me feel insecure big time. I thought my personality will balance it all but guess what? no. My self-esteem just dropped to 0.

Last 2014, I started working out to lose the weight I’ve gained and I also did clean eating. I would do home work-outs whenever I skipped gym trainings. I would go to the gym at least 6 times a week which made me too sleepy to function at work. I lost 10 kg after a couple of months. I became so happy. But my happiness made me forget why I started working out. I over-ate again. I also learned how to drink. I drank beer almost every week. I stopped going to the gym because of my temporary success of losing half of the weight I was trying to lose. I thought that was enough. I was just at 50% progress yet I indulged myself into things that made me the same person I hated a few months back. I hated myself more.  Back to square one. My clothes started not to fit my body again. I would dump all my jeans for not fitting my waist. Fuck, I remember getting to the point where I don’t wear jeans anymore. I wore leggings instead. I literally bought like five of them so I can wear them to work instead of spending too much time trying to fit my old jeans I can’t even pull to my waistline. What a shame, I got one job and that’s to take care of myself but I messed up. 

I started doing fad diets. I even tried to take slimming capsules. I did portion control and all other diets that my friends would suggest. But all those just gave me temporary results. I became more frustrated. I told myself to just drop everything off and be the fat kid I never wanted to be. After analyzing everything, it wasn’t about the gym or the diets. It was all about ME. I wasn’t consistent, I was lazy and most of all, I was doing it not for myself, but for all those people I wanted to show off to. That awakened me. I’ve realized that quite a bit ago already but not until recently have I started to workout religiously. I know I am doing it right this time because I am now doing it for MYSELF. 

Update: I’ve lost 15 lbs since 2015 and I am wishing to drop 15 lbs more in the next few months. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week and I also try not to eat junk and sweets which makes it very hard. I drink at least 2 L of water everyday and drink green tea as well to maintain my metabolism.  These are just the few things I hope I can keep my discipline with. I don’t know how I am writing all these but I just found myself typing one of my most unheard stories in here. I think I realized that when I write things, things get easier to be remembered for me.  So this post would serve as a reminder that I would never be perfect so I shouldn’t stop doing good things for myself even after one success because success is boundless. If we get successful at one path then we should continue to do the same things we used to do to achieve it unless we’re ready to drop it all off  without being devastated. Hard-work, consistency, determination and self-love. All these traits are the things we should feel when doing something whether it be for weight loss of any other goals we have in life. Dream big and dream bigger even after you achieve it.

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I HATE MYSELF

Wait, no. Not the kind of “hate” you’re thinking. I hate myself because of being still for quite some time.  I have always wanted to write something here, but my lazy ass never did... I just kept going back to my Quora.com post about LDR (which btw reached more than 30k views already) but I never attempted to write even a single letter to answer any questions randomly sent to my email. 

I honestly don’t feel anything before opening Tumblr again. I’m not happy nor sad. Maybe because I’ve been hating on myself for not pushing myself well enough. But I never thought that “hate” moments can turn into something beautiful. I’ve hated my self so much in the past that I realized that I should be focusing on self-love rather than hate, insecurities and minding about the societies standards. 

Back story:

Growing up as the tallest girl in class, my insecurity grew. I have always wanted to be as short as my friends so I never wore heels even up to college. It’s funny because it was evident that I will not be that cute medium-sized girl everyone will like but I know that even before I have something that makes me stand out, I was just not sure about what it was. High school was fun because I get to re-discover my passion for writing (I started writing when I was on 5th grade) and oratorical speeches. I wrote poems almost every single day about everything I notice around the campus. I wasn’t sure if I’m really good at it but at least I enjoy what I am doing and surprisingly, people appreciated it. I also got crazy into Scrabble so I knew that my passion is something that involves words, letters and creating stuff.

But then, college came. I enrolled to a Nursing school - maybe the last option I had back then. I was supposed to take journalism in PUP but my parents didn’t approve. Long story short, I never got the chance to pursue my passion. 

That’s when I thought I was stuck. I will just remain as that insecure girl taking a course she never wanted and sacrificing her own happiness for her parents’.

See what happened there? I knew firsthand what I wanted to do in life but I let people take control of my life. That’s why I never felt real happiness and I always think I need people’s affirmation for me to accept myself.

That’s what I realized today. We are our own reason for everything. We are responsible for what we feel and how we see things. All the things around us are just standards of other people and were normalized so we think we should follow them. We shouldn’t let anyone take control over our life, because it is our own. Anyone can tell us what we need to do but that doesn’t give them the power to manipulate us. We can use them as a guide but we should have standards for ourselves, too.

I am saying all these because just like how I felt about being different for my height, my body type, my career choices and even how my brows looked like during my high school graduation, I realized that I am just being manipulated by people’s standards. Shit, my childhood was ruined. I didn’t know I had the option to create my own standard and not always depend on what the society, the media and my family told me.

So today, I decided to put up a list. A list I will call my “Happy List”.

This list is basically the things I have in life that I barely notice but should’ve had a huge impact in my life already if I just had the awareness of thinking about the good things rather than being a consistent pessimist. 

I am putting my list here so whenever I feel like I am not meeting people’s standards, I can just bring up my blog and read it to remind me that I am no different from other people, I am just my own me, I am unique and most of all, lucky that I have most of the things I have long wished for. I will turn all negativities into good. 

I pay for my own bills. Not a single cent from my parents, yes!

I live in the city and I no longer have to spend 6 hours in traffic just to get to work.

We have the fastest internet connection in our condominium building ( I know it for sure because one of our neighbors switched our cable to their cable which made out internet speed drop to 20MBPS lol)

I am able to work my ass out at the gym at least 4 times a week and more importantly I have an amazing trainer   😂

I have 3 pending local travels for 2019. Did a couple last year. I even went twice to Baguio City. 

I earn more than twice as much as I was earning in previous job and despite the bills, I have started saving.

I get to send my younger sister to college

I survived 2017 and started to get over my long-term depression.

I appreciate myself more now than ever because I have developed a more disciplined way of eating.

I drink clean water (at least in our own house, office food got me intoxicated) Still thankful for the free food, though. 

I get to decide by myself and for myself. I have lived my life just following whatever my parents told me to do.

I have a nice support group aka my bf 😂

I know there’s a lot more I can include in my list so I’ll keep this post open. 

I still hate myself and I think I will continue hating because look what it did. This hate brought me into my passion for writing. Self-love includes doing what makes your soul happy. This makes me happy.

I am unique and I am no better than other people and I know will never be because the only comparison I should make is my today and my future.

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ripped

you ripped my chest

the way I desired it to be opened

because that way, you reached my heart.

- a.j

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the wait

millions of raindrops

thousands of breaths hundreds of sunsets and two hearts

that now beat as one.

- a.j

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LDR Hacks

Nothing lasts forever, even the distance between the two of us.

I am geographically separated from my boyfriend and yes, it sucks. This setup is something that both of us never imagined getting into, but I guess unplanned moments in our lives often lead us to the best destinations. Despite us both being not into commitment, we both embarked on this frustrating, torturous life of being in a long distance relationship. When I say long distance, I really mean it – he lives more than 8000 miles away and 14 hours behind my timezone. I know that the majority don’t believe in LDRs but in spite of our doubts during the early stage of our relationship, there are some important things that I have learned being committed to someone I don’t get to be with everyday. There are a lot of struggles LDR couples experience everyday  but if you badly want something, there shouldn’t be a reason not to find solution to every problem you have.

You are probably here because you would like to know how to survive long distance relationships, here are my 2 cents on how-to-LDR: 

1. It’s either you  have to talk super early, or super late. So either both or one of us don’t get the best of sleep everyday.

Remember that LDRs require a special form of communication, so if you want to always remind your partner that you think about him, at least send a cheesy line or anything that would make your partner smile. A simple compliment will do.

Tip: 

Try to schedule your day ahead especially if you have different time zones. Well, it works for us sometimes but in our case, we have made our everyday routine more natural. We both go to work so we don’t get the the entire day for each other but we always make sure that we always have a time to leave messages for each other.

2. You don’t get to celebrate special occasions together.

Pros:

This saves money! You don’t need to actually buy gifts for one another (yet).

Dates are not yet necessary.

You get to spend holidays and other special occasions twice. 

Tip:

Video call. THIS IS A MUST. If it is not that convenient for the two of you to do a video call, at least make time to do a phone call. It doesn’t need to be a super long conversation but just feeling the presence of your person on a special day will make you feel like you guys are spending it together. If neither phone call or video call is possible:

Send a special message and add a cute selfie. Trust me, this one really works.

We have actually spent the new year twice – I called him first minutes of 2018 my time and he did the same first minute of 2018, his time. 

3. Boring conversations.

Though this is something that we are really not struggling with, I’ll share some tips to spice your conversation up.

Tips:

Be humorous. This is essential. Crack jokes, make funny remarks about people (be careful with this), share funny stories about yourself or your personal experiences.

Make him curious. This will make him interested about you. Curiosity always make conversations intense. This will make him feel eager to talk to you each day. Changing topics in the middle of the conversation will make him beg for you to continue what you were saying. Make sure to spill the rest of your story in a timely manner though, because this might result to conflict. This isn’t good for people who doesn’t like cliffhangers.

Teach each other something new. Open a lot of topics. Don’t just talk about your relationship and your plan of meeting up every damn time because this might irritate one or the other. Learning new stuff every day is an achievement especially if it’s taught by your partner.

Be spontaneous. It is fun to talk in a very spontaneous manner, just talk about everything around you. This is a training for the two of you especially if you are planning to be with each other in the future for a long time.

4. Uncertainty about your future together.

Although both of you know that you love each other, there are still some instances that you will be uncertain about what’s gonna happen in the future. There are still some tiny doubts that rises in your heart sometimes.

Tips:

Focus on what is happening on the present time. Enjoy your time being apart. Be the best version of yourself everyday for him, and for yourself. Everything else will follow.

Risk. It is always worth it to give it a try, because whether you win or lose, you know you didn’t just let the opportunity pass.

Think of your relationship as if you are doing an online shopping. Imagine yourself looking at a very nice camera you saw online. You haven’t got to it yet. You just saw pictures of it. You just read its features through blogs/articles and heard good reviews about it. But deep in your heart, you know that you badly want it and you will do everything just to get one so you save up and possibly sacrifice some things just for the sake of getting one. You don’t have an idea if it is exactly it is gonna be once it is in your hands already, but you’ll buy it anyway.

Plan things. Whether it is a small or a big plan, do it. Make a timeline or a checklist. It will make both of you look forward to your future together. Maybe an Asian trip, a beach trip or a plan of living together in nice apartment in New York City will excite the both of you. Just make sure not to bug your partner about it all of the time especially if you both know that your plans are not achievable the soonest. Plan, but also set proper expectations. Set realistic goals to make sure to not disappoint your partner.

5. Fear of being cheated on or being not good enough.

This is a common fear even to the regular couples. “I am afraid that you might fall for someone else” or “I am afraid you might get back with your ex” or maybe telling your friend about your fear of your partner cheating on you are common thoughts of an LDR couple.

Tips:

Let him do everything he wants. Give each other the gift of space. Let him do everything he wants until he feels that “everything” isn’t necessary because he will finally realize that you are his everything. Giving him freedom about choosing what he wants to do will give him time to contemplate about lots of things. He will do it if he wants to. People have this urge to do things that you tell them not to. If you will keep on telling your partner not to do certain things, chances are he will be tempted to do it. Well I am saying this because it really does happen, but not with everyone. Again, keep everything natural. If you love each other, you don’t need to always remind him not to cheat because that shit is annoying tbh. A little reminder saying “I am afraid to lose you, I love you ;)” is enough.

Be aware. You need to know if the things you do especially the activities you do that require going out with other people is okay with him. Just doing things with the assumption of your activities being OK with your partner isn’t a good idea. Always consider his feelings. Be aware of what makes him jealous and once you already know about his thoughts, talk about it until everything gets clear.

Avoid anything that will potentially make a buildup of jealousy. Simply ignoring any texts from the opposite sex makes is a big factor. I’m sure that if you love a person, you will never be tempted to do it anyway. Remember, trust.

Making your relationship Facebook official. Reminder: This isn’t just to brag. This may sound corny, but I guess it isn’t love if isn’t cheesy (why are you even in an LDR if you don’t consider yourself corny). It doesn’t mean that you need to post each and every conversation you have to your Facebook timeline because that will surely annoy your friends and even your closest family members. This helps because this makes your partner feel that you are proud of your relationship. Make sure to talk about it though, because it requires a lot of courage. Being Facebook official is a big deal (especially to girls ;) ) In addition, this will prevent people hitting and sliding to your partner’s DM.

6. Satisfying each other’s sexual needs. 

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS. This is one of the biggest problem once you engage yourself in a long distance relationship. It is a human need. It is an expression of love. It’s frustrating when you can’t even touch or even kiss your partner.

Pros:

Abstinence. It makes you abstain from any form sexual interaction given the fact that you are faithful to your long distance partner, hence no fear of having unwanted pregnancies especially to teenagers. 

Delayed gratification. It makes you long for your partner which makes the love making more satisfying when you finally get to do it in person.

Tips:

You need to both agree on this. You need to be comfortable talking about sex and being open-minded about doing all the crazy sexy stuff. 

Do not be excessively conscious about being naughty to one another. There isn’t much to worry about it in reality because this part of the relationship should happen naturally.

Make your partner feel good about himself so he won’t feel hesitant since online sex still remains as a taboo topic to most of the people.

Don’t forget to give your partner compliments and talk a little dirty to each other. DO NOT be afraid to be open about this to your partner because in the long run, if you’re really serious about being together, you will experience more crazy and naughty stuff together.

There is a lot more to discover about being in a long distance relationship, and I might update this post in the future because I know that there’s more that I get to discover about my current relationship along the way.  Every type of relationship is unique whether it be an LDR or a regular relationship where you get to be with the person you love. 

Everything that I have written might be too much to digest but as what I have mentioned, love should be natural. It looks like it takes a lot of effort and can easily be broken but in reality, there is not an end to a relationship born out of friendship, communication, understanding , trust, patience and love.

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If there is one thing I have learned about real love, it’s our capability of touching someone else's heart without using our hands.

Allen Jane Ocampo

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Everyone says he is a storm. I walked towards him & behind the dark clouds, I found a rainbow.

Allen Jane Ocampo

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loving an introvert

I am in love with an introvert. Yes, my total opposite. Other people think that introversion is mere anti-sociality. And by other people, I mean, the extroverts (including myself). Well, let me tell you this. There’s more to discover from introverts, believe me. They’re far different from just being shy, quiet, selfish and anti-social creatures. I have been talking to a guy who is in love with solitude. He savors solitariness a lot that it scared the heck out of me. I have been used to extroversion my whole life so meeting and actually trying to build a romantic relationship with a person who loves to seclude himself from everyone else made me kind of terrified and sometimes question myself if I was ready to dive into his world. But I guess being scared of making changes in our lives is what makes it exciting, isn’t it? I love to be independent but my want of being alone pales in comparison to him. He loves “me time” a lot. He likes being engaged to activities which requires less to no people around him. But this doesn't mean that he totally despises being social. He loves solitude but not always. He doesn't hate people. He just choose to engage to meaningful conversations rather than just doing small talks. He will choose being in a group of small people instead of being in a large crowd because that will require lots of energy which he thinks should be used to something more important - maybe for running or going to the gym or anything else that will benefit him in the most rewarding way as possible. He cares less about people which makes people think that he is rude. This is quite untrue. He cares less when he thinks that there is really nothing to worry about a specific situation. He is the most caring person I know. He may care as much as he want but he just finds it difficult to actually express his emotions, as much as he finds it difficult to express anything else. But when he finds something he loves, he becomes into it. He puts his heart into something or someone he is fascinated with. He is the most expressive person I know, next to myself (lol). He might not be vocal at times but through writing he can pour everything and be the most expressive person you'll ever know. He isn't loud, so you might think he is boring. He isn't. He actually sometimes feel that he is, but no. I wouldn't stick to him if he is. He has a lot of things going on inside his head that drown me at times. I love this side of him though, because it makes him a very good listener which everyone seeks for in a partner. He listens to me when I have to something to say. He might need to prove his point at times, but at the end of the day, he will make me realize that everything he says make an absolute point. He might sound arrogant at times but he is just being confident. Introverts might really be the most quiet, shy and reserved people from the outside, but in him, I found the most colorful mind. It is difficult. It is challenging. It will take lots of dedication to get to know someone like him but since I am too fascinated with the idea of him being my perfect match, I dived into his reality. When I realized that I broke his shell, the feeling was far more satisfying. He finds happiness and peace from being alone which made me think that it is almost impossible to break his shell and have him open up to me. He doesn't usually let people get into his world, so when he finally let me get into his, I couldn't be any happier. He is giving me the best version of love I can ever possibly receive in my entire life.  I have yet to know everything about him and for me he is still a mystery. His expression of love might not be as obvious as others but for me, it is the most beautiful thing in the world. I, being his complete opposite has found a home in him.  With all these being said, I’ll leave one of the most cliché quotes in the romance dictionary : "Opposites DO attract.”

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Finding a person that can love you in all circumstances is like the snow in Texas – rare – but is always worth the wait.

Allen Jane Ocampo

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i used to...

I used to hate waiting But if waiting means  being able to see you the following day,

then I’ll be willing.

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I can look at your face for hours and just feel nothing but satisfaction.

Allen Jane Ocampo

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You are amazing. You are just worth every mile between the two of us.

Allen Jane Ocampo

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crazy

This is crazy.

The feeling that you give me is just crazy. Crazy in a way that I am unable to find the exact words to describe what it is I'm feeling. You're stuck in my head 24/7, now tell me, isn't it crazy?

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excited

I'm thrilled!

I am excited not only for our first day together, but for everyday that is gonna come. We've been talking for a couple of months now, but this feeling is a constant feeling that always comes up when I know that we're about to talk already.