jjngrce - Tumblr blog

[jjngrce]

After sharing your body with someone for so long, being single feels like coming home to a lonely space until you splash it with your colors and fill it with so much love that there is no space to be sad. It's like the first touch of summer on your skin, lukewarm on the tips and scalding in the middle until it's the perfect warmth at the end of the day. It's like exploring your body after a prolonged drought, fingers dipping in wet, and it feels taboo, but it feels exquisite. It feels like coming home. 👅

—Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

The world will tell you you’re overweight and tell you you’re lovely at the same time. It will criticize and compliment you simultaneously as if words don’t have an impact, but they do. For so many years, I had to make myself small in many ways—I I barely ate, only enough to ease my hunger, and wore loose clothing. Finally, one day, I learned to celebrate my body. I’m eating better, loving my unloved double chin, and excesses a bit more—the world is just background noise; enjoy yourself. 🌈♥️

—Joan G. excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

How do we live with the guilt of living when every time we take a breath, another life is on its last gasp of air, of hope, of life? How do we decide that our lives are more important than those of others when all of us here are trying to survive? How do we read about the current genocide in the comfort of our homes, be mournful for a minute, and then sleep in our beds knowing in the morning we are safe and more lives are not? How do we go on with our lives when others can't, not by their choice but out of circumstance?

How do we cope with the burden of knowledge and the guilt that comes with it?

—Joan G, excerpt from When I say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

I miss my childhood home in the Philippines. Our house, when I was little, wasn't the nicest in the neighborhood. The ceilings barely held up, and the wall paintings were chipping off. Our house was tiny, and our whole lives scarcely fit. When you leave our gate, the myriad of cars, tricycles, and trucks zoom past you in a dizzying pattern; and when you sleep at night, the passing trucks, create these tiny tremors that lull me to sleep.

My home was my cousins and me listening to cassette tapes on Sunday mornings; it was my grandma offering freshly cut pineapples and mangoes after lunch; It was my whole family in the kitchen, loud and boisterous, preparing food for Christmas Eve. My home was the afternoons we spent playing in the rain, jumping in puddles, and enjoying soup afterward. Our stomachs Were full, and our hearts were content.

And most importantly, my home was the quiet nights spent with my mom and dad. It was them and my routine cup of milk in the mornings before I went to school. When I began working, it was the solitary light, and my mom waiting for me at 11 at night.

Home is the memories and the family I have. ♥️🌻

—Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

Elizabeth,

You are the golden sliver of the sun resting on our faces one afternoon at the place we always go for nachos and margaritas—It’s one of my earliest, most cherished photos of you. It reminds me of those incidental meetings that forge inevitable and lasting friendships—your soul knows love, and it spreads wherever you are.

Lizz, I can write because there are people like you who deserve every beautiful word in this life; you are all the good thoughts in my head; you are all the poems combined about love, and they slip out my lips effortlessly because, I've never encountered a heart as sincere and honest as you.

And when it's late at night, and I'm hunched over my sink, feeling the effects of a hard day's work, I find it difficult to go to bed. How can I sleep when our conversations are so hilarious that I laugh for the longest time? I still wake up some mornings giggling about them.

I have met many people in my life, and I will meet many more, but these encounters pale in comparison to the Elizabeth I came across in 2020. My heart only speaks of love for you, and thank you, really, thank you, for the best kind of friendship anyone could ask for.

Happy birthday, sunny side. 🌻♥️

[jjngrce]

How often have we said to ourselves, "One more day." When we see various cups half emptied on every surface of our house, a table stained with a week-old coffee, and dirty clothes piled in the corner of our bedroom floor, we say one more day, and we will have the energy to clean and make our homes less chaotic than how we are feeling inside our chests.

When we think the days are an endless cycle of war in our heads, we say, one more day, and the better days will arrive. When we are weary from a job that depletes us, our bones grating from each other, our feet struggling to take one more step, we say, one more day until our day off.

And one day, we wake up, and the light inside us is a little brighter, slightly warmer, and we say, "The day is here." It's further from perfect; it's flawed and terrifying, but we are more forgiving of ourselves. We get up and wipe the table and the dried tears on our cheeks.

We pick up half our dirty clothes on the floor, fold our clean ones, and place them in our drawers, and we feel a little better, more valuable, and we say to ourselves, "As long as I keep on pushing, there will be more days like this, where everything seems plausible." We keep these little moments dearly in our hearts and nurture them until, one day, we are living the days we dreamed of. 💛🌻

—Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

And I will always stand by this: be that friend who listens to a 2-3 hour rant, and when they start to raise their voice about the matter, be that friend who says, “Let it all out.”. Be that friend who shows interest in their current obsession; nothing is more intriguing than listening to the subtle nuances in their voice, the slight slant of their eyebrows, and the soft blush dusting their cheeks as they talk about their most beloved thing. Be that friend who shows up, arms wide open and heart prepared to love— and constantly be the kind of friend you wish to have for yourself. ♥️

— Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

My soul feels the emptiest when I’m inebriated and missing you. It intensifies my desire to be near you, but not in that way; I don't want your lips touching mine. I want you in my space until our heartbeats are in sync and our laughter interweaves until they become one. My soul craves for you because how could it not possibly be when you're the only one who has known and loved it completely?

-Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

I knew I was strong when I said goodbye to my old life and left that marriage. I knew it when I turned off all the lights on the last night in my old house, hauled all my remaining stuff in black trash bags, in small boxes, my car brimming, overflowing, and with my two dogs in the backseat, wet from the rain. I knew it when I slept on the makeshift bed on the floor of my new home, mentally and emotionally drained but heart hushed and full of hope. I knew I was strong when I thought about everything I went through, and still, I'm standing; I'm scathed, full of anxiety and doubts, and lonely at times; I'm not fully healed, but I know this strength in me is determined.

---Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

Do you think there is a future where we don’t talk anymore?

-a thought

[jjngrce]

Hi

What makes you happy? Is it a walk in the park, blasting BENEE on your headphone, singing, "That was a waste of fucking time, you were a waste of fucking time!", "The others, they don't have the same effect, don't wanna be someone who you forget. "or "La, la, la, la, Lonely, I'm a lonely bitch!" or listening to a smutty audiobook, thoroughly describing how they will fuck you on the dining table, or their hands traversing under the table from your knee to the apex of your thigh? Scandalous! How do you chase your dopamine? Is it having a new crush? It's quite silly, huh? How your heart stutters when they are in the vicinity. How a whole jungle of animals is dancing in your stomach. Hey, you can choose yourself, you know that, right? You don't have to wait; this is the time. You can be and do whatever you desire. You can do the things you said you would start and didn't because life happened. Is it a dusty book half written in the back of your dresser? Is it a song you were trying to write? Do you want to move to another city and reinvent yourself? You can totally do that. Or perhaps simple things make you happy? Do you want to watch the series you've been holding off because work is taking up a massive space in your life? Or a warm shower---a rain of water washing all the pain away. And, yes, let's not forget sleep! It is important you know. You can stay up late and maybe sleep in? Or call that friend, that friend who will sit and process everything with you. Again, there is no limit. This is your life, your choices, and your happiness. Take care of yourself. :)

---Joan G, excerpt from When I say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

When I whisper your name, I mean you are the name I utter when I am in the throes of release, with heavy-lidded blue eyes staring back at me—on top, under me, and fiery skin covering me. I mean that your name is also the same name I try not to mumble, blistering my tongue, unwelcome in my thoughts but wandering unreservedly in the back of my mind. I mean, frequently, you are a memory I try to disregard, but without fail, when darkness descends upon me, you are always irreverently the carnal thoughts in my head.

---Joan G, excerpt from When I Say, What I Mean

[jjngrce]

When I say I haven't felt like this in a while, I mean it's been a while since I enjoyed a cup of coffee, its warmth traversing from my throat to the ends of my fingers to my toes. I mean, it's been so long since I sat down and enjoyed watching the sky changing from a mix of orange, red, and yellow until the sun is up and its blue surrounds me, comfort engulfing me. I mean, It's been years since I believed I was someone to be loved, I was someone to be precious, and I was someone to be enjoyed with. I have forgotten and now remember how to not only exist but to breathe intentionally, lungs expanding, heart beating, every cell in my body celebrating. Let me tell you this: there is hope in trying.

[jjngrce]

i love women.

[jjngrce]

When I say I miss you, I mean you are the first person I think about when I regain consciousness in the morning and my last thoughts of love in the evening. I mean, you are the person I want to be with when friends surround me; I mean, you are the cheers to all my toasts and the main character to all my stories. I mean, there are no words in this world to describe this hollowness in my chest in the way I miss you.

[jjngrce]

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU TASTE LIKE, as in I want to devour you in places you allow me to until the only thing in your mind is the way my tongue dances unhurriedly on your skin.

[jjngrce]

Sometimes, I still hunger for you in my bed naked, so perfect, soft, and vulnerable, and the only thing separating us were the sighs between kisses, the seconds between the next touch, and nothing mattered but the hours we were consumed by each other.