jonaantara

[jonaantara]

bingewatching will never come close to bingereading. there is nothing like blocking out the entire Earth for ten hours to read a book in one sitting no food no water no shower no bra and emerging at the end with no idea what time it is or where you are, a dried-up prune that's sensitive to light and loud noises because you've been in your room in the dark reading by the glow of a single LED. it's like coming back after a three-month vacation in another dimension and now you have to go downstairs and make dinner. absolutely transcendental

[jonaantara]

There are so many children out there who idolizes fictional superheroes, not knowing they have one so real just beside them. Parents are the real superheroes (the good ones anyway). Some of them just love so selflessly. They give up their own food so their children can eat well, offer their jacket even if it means they’ll feel cold, and stay up late watching over us when we’re sick, despite their own exhaustion. Bless all the parents in the world who are like this, who give and give without asking for anything in return. May all them be rewarded by genuine love and care from all their love ones, especially their children. ❤️

Love you mama and papa <3

[jonaantara]

Most of the time, the struggles we face are consequences of our own actions. Sad but it's true. 💔

[jonaantara]

Another bop from my fave artist!

If she don't love me like my mama, I ain't gonna give her my heart~

[jonaantara]

Sharing my monologue script

Numbers Don't Define Us

What is it about numbers? Why do some people care about them so much? Why are some of us judged or treated unfairly because of them? Numbers are in every part of our lives. They tell our age, our grades, our weight, and the value of the things we own. But numbers are supposed to be just that—numbers. No deeper meaning, no hidden implications. Yet now, numbers have become more than what they are. They’ve become sources of judgment. They shape how the world sees us.

I’m 19, and for others, it seems to mean something more than just my age. Some say, “You’re 19, you should know better by now.” Others say, “You’re still so young, you wouldn’t understand.” What’s that supposed to mean? Am I supposed to have everything figured out because I’m legally an adult? Or am I expected to remain clueless because I’m still technically a teenager?

And it’s not just me, it happens to everyone. A 12-year-old’s thoughts get dismissed with, “You’re just a kid.” An 18-year-old is expected to grow up overnight because “You’re an adult now.” A 31-year-old is pressured to marry and have children because they’re “past the calendar.”

But isn’t it unfair? Age is just a number, telling us how long we’ve lived. It doesn’t define who we are, who we should be, or what we should do. It doesn’t reflect our wisdom or maturity. I could be 10 and responsible. I could be 30 and still love watching Barbie. I could be 60 and still make impulsive decisions, or be as strong as a cow. We shouldn’t be limited by society’s expectations of our age. Being young doesn’t equal ignorance or naivety. Being old doesn’t equal the end of growth or weakness. We are not our age.

But it’s not just age. Grades are another way numbers are used to label and judge us. Some students are praised as smart and promising for having good grades, while others are labeled lazy or not trying hard enough for struggling academically. But isn’t that unfair? Grades don’t tell the whole story. They don’t show the late nights spent rereading the same lessons, the tears of frustration when we struggled to understand, or the courage it took to ask questions when everything seemed easy for others.

We are not our grades. They don’t define what we’ve learned, the effort we’ve put in, or our growth. They don’t measure our creativity or resilience. And they certainly don’t determine our worth, intelligence, or future. A number on a piece of paper doesn’t reflect who we truly are or what we’re capable of achieving.

Aside from grades, we are also judged on our weight and material possessions—numbers on a scale and price tags. If you’re too skinny, people tell you to eat more. If you’re overweight, you hear whispers or rude comments. We’re made to feel imperfect and pressured to fit into certain beauty standards. And it’s unfair. Weight is just a number. It shouldn’t measure our beauty, it shouldn’t limit our confidence, and it shouldn’t determine our self-worth.

And then there are price tags. Wear expensive clothes and people respect you. Wear something cheap and you’re suddenly less worthy of attention. And that’s wrong. The value of what we own says nothing about the value of who we are. Respect shouldn’t come with a price tag. 

Age, grades, weight, and the value of the things we own – they’re all represented by numbers. But those numbers do not represent us. We are more than our age, our grades, our weight, or the price tags on our possessions. Numbers might quantify some parts of our lives, but they will never define who we are. We are our smiles, our dreams, and our strength. We are people with stories that no number can ever explain.

[jonaantara]

I encountered a content from yt with an intriguing question: which would you prioritize, the family you come from or the family you'll create?

In the comments section, many answered they'd prioritize the family they create because the family you come from will understand.

Will understand?

Maybe. But still, reading it made me feel indignant. I don't know why and I can't explain—or maybe I just don't want to explain. The family you come from will understand—because that's what they always do, right? But yeah, I also understand that it's kind of how things usually go. Our parents also faced that kind of choice before and they probably chose us over the family they came from. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know, maybe it's just up to the person and the culture and life they grew up in. Not saying I'm not going to prioritize the family I'll create but.. why is there even a choice?!

This is just triggering my indecisive self. 🙄

If you were to choose, which would you prioritize???

[jonaantara]

I got exempted from one exam—yay me! Although I don't think I deserve it, I'm still grateful. Thanks, classmates! 😌

[jonaantara]

A Poem to someone I lost...

I'm sure you'll find this weird

But I'll do this anyway

There's so many things I wanted to say

I hope this poem will make you feel my sincerity

I'm sorry for all those times that I ignored your wishes

Just so I could cater to mine

There's so many things you wanted to do

But I had no courage to do it with you

I'm sorry I was careless of your future

And too muddle-headed to change it back

I'm sorry if I don't love you enough

And every try just ends in a laugh

I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy

And that I'm not trying enough

I'm just not sure if it still matters

When I really can't bring you back

I'm sorry for all the wounds I left untended

And the dreams I've let wither away

If you're in my place, I'm sure you'll try to fix you

Just like you've always did for me

I'm sorry for letting you go

I had to push you out to make room for me

You promised we'd be together as we grow

But sorry little me, I grew out of you.

[jonaantara]

I’m begging me, myself, and I—please, have some sense of urgency! So many school assignments are piling up, just waiting to be completed. Let’s get it together! ✍️

[jonaantara]

Student life, busy life.

[jonaantara]

Wow. I think the universe is telling me something? Curious. Found a website where you can post anonymous letters. I was just planning on passing by AKA check out some letters before going back to my little drama. And then the first anonymous letter I read—wow. I won't tell a word about it but.. I think I just read the words I've been dying to hear. Thanks, to whoever wrote that letter.

[jonaantara]

When I look at you

I'm surprised by how much you've aged

It feels like just yesterday

You carried me in your arms

And the world was a much brighter place.

Your hair has turned gray

Your knees weak, and your eyes clouded

But when you look at me

It feels like I'm still that little child

Whose whole world you hold in your steady hands

And whose future always included your comforting smiles and warmest hugs.

It's bittersweet and fills me with sorrow

To think that someday, in a not-so-distant tomorrow

I'll wake while you rest

And I'll stand in your shoes

Until I can be with you again.

May that future never come.

</3

[jonaantara]

I found some gems!

I'm back to "hoarding music" and reading C-novels now that I have some free time. <3

[jonaantara]

I have to do a demo tomorrow with a groupmate and my usual reaction has kicked in again.

I am once again reminded of just how mentally demanding the course I've chosen truly is. It's challenging enough for confident and cool individuals—let alone for someone like me who's often panicky and insecure. It's mental and emotional torture.

Every night before I have to stand in front of the class, my body enters fight-or-flight mode. I'd be panicking and going crazy in my room, screaming without a sound (sometimes even crying to let out my frustration). I would read stories to calm my nerves, desperately trying to convince myself that I can "slay" it tomorrow—that it's going to be easy. But it only leads to procrastination. I try to delay the inevitable by sleeping very late and not preparing for what's to come tomorrow, because somewhere in the back of my mind, it feels like if I ignore it long enough, my worries will disappear. And if I stay awake long enough, tomorrow won't come so quickly, and neither will the moment that I dread to face.

At times like these, I can't help but ask myself: Am I really going to subject myself to a lifetime of mental torture? I've already learned to normalize my extreme reaction to stressful situations, but that doesn't mean it gets easier. I know it's up to me though. I have a choice: drop out and change course, or defeat this weakness and come out strong enough to handle what I've signed up for.

The first option isn't even worth considering. So, I have to do my best on the second, because if not… I can't even imagine the consequences. I just know it's going to be teeeerrrible. Like life-destructing terrible.

[jonaantara]

You have a life that you need to live.

You have goals that you want to achieve.

You have promises that you must keep.

You have secrets that you can't let slip.

You have time that you must spend well.

You have chances that you mustn't waste.

You have happiness that you mustn't ignore.

You have morals that you shouldn't let go.

You have memories that you must treasure.

You have a past that you need to appreciate.

You have a mind that you should use for the greater good.

And you have a heart to remind you that in everything you do...

You have a God who must be the center of it all.

I'm not really a religious person, but writing this gave me a sense of comfort. These words are the manifestation of what I think shapes our lives—responsibilities, values, and opportunities. Writing this made me think about how important it is to live with intention—to make the most of the time we have, to hold on to our morals, and to cherish the memories that make us who we are. To me, this is a reminder to pursue my goals and dreams while staying grounded in what truly matters. It’s about finding a balance between the things I want to achieve and the principles I want to live by. It’s also about anchoring everything I do to something greater than myself, whether that’s faith, purpose, or simply love. Writing these words felt like a way of reflecting on how I want to live my life, and I hope that by sharing them, I made you pause and reflect too. <3

[jonaantara]

Valuable lesson I learned at YouTube today:

Even if you're a 10, if your communication skills is a 3—people will view you as a 3.

[jonaantara]

I sometimes feel isolated

Not because of how others treat me

But due to how I react to their treatment

When they ignore me or simply live their lives

I feel hurt even when I know I shouldn't

March 18, 2024 Found this on my notes. I wonder what made me write this. 🤔