josephsmith1991

[josephsmith1991]

Dude you know the question you asked what do conservatives get out of supernatural? So yesterday I found out that a friend of mine from high school who is a 22yo white cishet right-leaning Roman Catholic dude who is currently serving in the military watched all 15 seasons of supernatural. Apparently he liked the guns and the fighting and he also felt like Sam and Deans’ relationship with each other and with their father reflected a lot of his own experiences growing up with 5 brothers and a military father who was gone more often than not. When he started watching, his fav character was Sam but by the end, that had shifted to Dean although he disliked the fact that Dean was, and this is a direct quote, “such a whore.” I asked him if he liked the ending and he said that it was okay, that Dean’s death was “bullshit” but that the brothers got to enter heaven together and that’s what was most important. I additionally asked him what he thought of Castiel and he said that he thought his character was boring and he disliked it when the show tried to make Cas the center of episodes. He had absolutely no memory of what happened in 15x18 and had to look up the synopsis again to remember that Cas died. **********ADDITIONAL FACTS ABOUT MY FRIEND THAT MAKE ALL OF THIS ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL: we met through ballet, one of his other favorite shows is Hannibal, he is an absolutely lethal jujitsu fighter, he has no idea what tumblr is, he works on motorcycles and vintage cars for fun which his dad taught him how to do, and when he was 18, after his gf at the time cheated on him, he decided to give up on women and he dated a gay friend of his for 3 months. Apparently he figured out pretty quickly that he was “definitely straight” but he kept dating/having sex with his friend/boyfriend until they both moved away because “he was a genuinely good dude” and he “didn’t have to catch so it was fine.” Yes he did suck dick. I asked

HELLO????????

[josephsmith1991]

I want you to come back. With me. And I want us to be together.

God’s Own Country (2017) dir. Francis Lee

[josephsmith1991]

This. Is. Perfect. So many colors. I found the perfect Ugly Christmas Sweater. 

I found it. The perfect holiday sweater!

[josephsmith1991]

There are other reasons why people have mental health issues. Things they keep under wraps because they are afraid. Things people don’t talk about because they don’t know how to deal with it. And they don’t communicate fully with people because it’s none of their damn business. Sometimes it’s health related, sometimes other things entirely. Just some food for thought. 

[josephsmith1991]

Full Transparency

This will be my first post in...awhile. I haven’t been on the usual social media forms. Stayed off for a big month and a half, and for what? I’ll tell you. Some things you might know, some things might be new information. Sit tight. 

Nine years ago, I was a junior in high school. I was in choir, band, wrote short stories, and started writing a book which to this day I have never finished. I also decided that it would be a good idea to get involved with an athlete who was still very much in the closet (SURPRISE, I’m gay...anyone who has met me, this shouldn’t be news to you). Just like all things in the closet, it died...the relationship (it really wasn’t) exploded in my face and I left with a broken heart. I went from being an A/B student to being a C student (pretty sure any decent or passing grade was made out of pity). I lost all motivation and was left undiagnosed for four years. It wasn’t until I was into my third year at Iowa State that I found out that I was depressed--when I inevitably broke down and said to myself that this was “too much”. The heartbreak, pain, and loss...it was all too much for me to handle. I didn’t have many friends who I could turn to. I still wasn’t comfortable with my own sexuality. I didn’t even have a major (I switched to open option after a year and a half of music and had no clue what I was doing or where I was going). I wasn’t living my truth and all I could do was run until I couldn’t run anymore.

I decided that the best thing that I could do was go to therapy...to get better...or try. I was always against it. I didn’t believe in it, but when you’re having suicidal thoughts, you bet your ass that’s a place I needed to turn to, because I was a young 21 and hadn’t experienced enough of the world. I wasn’t ready to leave this earth. 

After starting therapy, I decided to declare theatre as my major (specifically acting/directing). I got on a path and stuck with it because I knew how much theatre affected me and my life. I tried to get involved as much as I could, and by the end of my senior year, I began to make the transition into writing, something I hadn’t visited since high school. I received a grant to write and produce a reading of a new musical. But I wanted to continue exploring more. 

I began writing a story that was personal to my own life. It was a story that got me started on this journey in the first place. Why I ever started it is beyond me. I continue to ask myself “Why?”--WHY did I write this and WHY now? What is SO important about this story that needs to be told? The only thing that I can come up with is inspiration...the possibility to inspire others to get help, to love, to be loved, to feel loved--to know they aren’t alone. And so I started writing a web series called “Outed”. It is super loosely based off of that exact situation I went through in high school. 

Let me tell you something, high school is a scary place. People might not “get” you. They might make fun of you...a lot. They might say “no thanks” when you ask them out. Students might laugh in your face, and staff and teachers might not stand up for you. And then you might have your heart broken...on Valentine’s Day. And then years later you decide to write and revisit all of this? One might call you crazy...borderline insane...I probably would. BUT I did it. I wrote it. And then I randomly started applying for a grant that actually accepted the story and allowed for the opportunity to explore the piece and discover things about this world that I never knew about. 

I started filming last September. It took 5 days with the intent to come back and finish what was left. SURPRISE, we finished, but we also re-filmed EVERYTHING that was filmed back in September (for the better, of course). But let me tell you, it was a trip. I decided I wanted to act in this...I long made up my mind, probably since I started writing it, and I had inklings of how much it would hurt, but nothing prepared me for what I actually went through...possibly because on some level, the techniques that I was utilizing (you know, memory recall, borderline method...what have you....) are scary. They were absolutely terrifying and tried to kill me. But I survived. 

We wrapped in the early morning on May 31st and I was still living, but it wasn’t without residual effects. Reliving this part of the journey and story was truly the most grueling thing I had ever done. Was I prepared for it? Debatable. But I did it, and ever since, I have been dealing with multiple panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. 

Reliving this caused a lot of stress (don’t worry, I’m working with a therapist). It lead to me cutting for the first time ever, having serious thoughts of suicide and me just wanting to walk away from it all, me thinking that I’m not good enough, brave enough, strong enough, beautiful enough...I’m not enough, period. I ended up checking into an ER for suicidal thoughts. I was two hours away from home and was freaking out. Sped down the road (went 50 in a 30...in town...), and got to the point where the nurse asked if I wanted to be admitted. I had no idea what came with that. She said I would have another person in the room...a roommate (another patient), and I freaked out. I couldn’t share a room with someone else. I could barely be in there, so to have to be around ANOTHER person and possibly be judged for it...nope nope nope nope nope (not saying that this is a bad option for those who choose to get admitted). I called my parents and they drove two hours away to come pick me up. 

Truth be told...I’m still not better. I still have massive ass anxiety (situational), and deal with darker thoughts, though I do have good days. 

So why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing my story? One, I have enough of a mind to finally be able to articulate everything. And two, I don’t want people to be ashamed of being transparent. This show is beautiful, one that I am so passionate to let others see, but this life is also equally beautiful, if not more so. There have been many times where I have wanted to give up, but for whatever reason, there is a voice that continues to tell me to stop--to keep going. I don’t know what that voice is. I am terrified of the future. I AM choosing to live, however. It’s not going to be pretty, there will be super messy moments, but it’s better than the alternative. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to be scared. And sometimes, it might be okay to run, but reach out to someone if you do. I didn’t, and it led me down the dark rabbit hole. I thought I would be okay and that I would be strong enough to emerge from all of this shit. It almost swallowed me whole. 

I can’t say what’s in store for the future. All I can say is that I am doing my best to work at it, one day at a time, and to try to be, as much as possible, fully transparent. 

[josephsmith1991]

Fear

Fear is real. Fear is scary. Fear is ultimately terrifying. When it digs into your skin so deep, where you can’t think, can’t breathe. How do you move? How do can you survive? How can you continue to live with your heart pounding, about the beat right outside of your chest? 

[josephsmith1991]

For the first time ever, I picked up a razor this morning. I held it to my wrist and just pressed down into my skin. Tonight I picked up a knife. I put it away, but I stared at it as I ran my thumb over the blade and pressed the blade over my skin. 

How much effort has it taken me not to cut? A lot. But something stops me. Something always stops me. I’m not okay, though. I don’t know when I will be, if ever, and that sucks. 

[josephsmith1991]

Mental Health Ramblings

When you were a kid, did you ever dream of what your life might be like in the future? Dreaming that you would be an astronaut or a doctor or firefighter. My dream? I wanted to be a performer. I had no idea what that meant or what I would be doing, but I knew that I wanted to perform in some way, shape, or form. 

Then I grew up. I went to school, picked a college, changed my major...a lot...and ultimately graduated with a degree in theatre. Then I started getting recognized for my work--my degree led to me creating content. And now I’ve reached an impasse. I have reached what seems as a huge, long moment in time where things seem unbearably out of reach, and I have no idea what to do.

And really, I don’t have any clue as to what I should be doing. I feel like my dreams are slipping away--faster by the minute. Sure, fear gets in the way and sets in. I really don’t know what’s stopping me from doing the one thing that is so persistent. But I’m afraid. I am afraid every single day and have no idea what I should do. I am facing a freaking mountain. It sucks. I’m fading. My light is fading. I am getting more and more tired and it is so incredibly draining. How much longer can I hold on? 

[josephsmith1991]

Needing a place to share my words and thoughts. Even after the countless hours of talking with friends, still doesn’t clear my headspace. I figured I’d jump over here just to get it down. 

Bullying--there’s a classic definition of it somewhere, I’m sure. I don’t have the energy to find it, though. I’ve been bullied since elementary school. I didn’t know where I belonged. I had no place, and possibly only a half friend who wasn’t completely good for my personal circle and environment. This continued throughout high school and the early years of college--not sure where to turn or where to go to. 

Flash forward to nearly twenty years later and here I am, feeling depressed, downtrodden, filled with crippling anxiety and nowhere (or idea on how) to turn. I know why. I have reasons. But further, are these reasons enough to keep persistent thoughts in my head? Scary freaking thoughts that keep telling me to inflict self-harm? I have no idea. It’s terrifying. I haven't stopped thinking about my journey and how I might end it for the better part of a while. Talking about depression is embarrassing (sad, really), but ultimately I feel like I am letting people, and mostly myself, down. 

Yes, I have had thoughts of suicide. Do I have a plan? You bet. I don’t know how I’m continuing on. I checked into an ER because it was too much for me to handle and couldn’t keep up with the thoughts on my own. I felt like I was drowning. I lost my ability to swim and don’t know how to use my arms or legs. I was very much NOT in a good place. Still not, really. So many people have questions, some I can’t give answers to. Most might not understand. Some may. I hope they do. I hope people listen with open hearts and minds, but damn--starting conversations are hard. 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress in the past week and a half, some of which is out of my control. So...what IS in my control? Anything? Sure. I can choose to keep fighting--keep LIVING. I can choose to stand up and share my voice. I often keep things to myself. I don’t like sharing and I HATE relying on other people. It sucks. I tend to run in the other direction--Fight or flight, flight usually wins. I super hate it. I hate it even more that I am flying and haven’t stopped to face everything. One person can’t do everything. I’m only that--a person...One. Human. How can one human be faced with so many obstacles, all while trying to share their voice or dream? 

I will do my personal best to seek out help. To continue to find treatment and fight back against mental health. I’ll do my best to love and accept myself as fully as I can. And further, I will work to live, because that’s all you can choose to do, right? 

[josephsmith1991]

"There’s this great parody of Bring Him Home…"

[josephsmith1991]

The producer hires the director on most film projects. A director makes many decisions throughout the production process, but as an employee of the producer, these decisions can almost always be overruled.

How much authority a director wields on a project is subject to many variables: past...

[josephsmith1991]

[josephsmith1991]

I just know that Lexie will be the one dying next week, I just have a bad feeling. After she finally declared her love to Mark, she is probably going to die with Mark by her side the whole time with him saying he loves her too. Just when I think I’m getting my otp back this is happens. Damn Shonda why????

[josephsmith1991]

I wonder if Shonda Rhimes knows how many death threats she's getting right now.

She reported said that this season finale had the writers crying.

And that it’ll be a cliffhanger.

See what happens if you kill Lexie.

[josephsmith1991]

SO I SCREENCAPPED IT.

Okay. Okay. Okay. So look. There’s a shot of two people hugging. One attending (looks male) and light hair. Mark. And one non attending (looks female) with dark hair. Not curly. So not Mer or Cristina. Or Arizona. So it’s Lexie. ON HER FEET. HUGGING MARK.

THINGS COULD POSSIBLY BE OKAY

[josephsmith1991]

Raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by Grey's Anatomy

[josephsmith1991]

grey's anatomy finale

A big eff you to shonda rhimes, you diabolical GENIUS! -_-  why would you toy with our emotions like that?!? all I’m sayin’ is….. if lexie grey gets killed off the show next week, someone’s gonna pay for my hospital bills because I have all sorts of cardiac problems goin’ on right now. and this isn’t cool. k?

awesome.