just-a-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

3/24/24 6:10pm

Mentally, I am not well.

I have not been well for many years.

By it all, I want to be.

I really do.

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

2/6/24 4:36pm

There is nothing more painful nor unforgiving than gentleness,

Cradling your heart in just the right ways to make you crumble.

- whisper

[just-a-whisper]

12/4/23 6:59pm

Are you good?

Are you well?

I’ll send a letter,

Wish you to take better,

Care of yourself,

Respond to me after a few days,

I felt lifted a heavy haze,

Lighter feather in my chest,

Knowing you’re at least well,

Though not at your best,

A week or two to reply,

Find I frequently have you on mind,

Is it obsession or is it love?

I care about your well-being,

And used to find it frustrating,

When I didn’t know how you were,

Though before I was secure,

Then I was anxious,

A vinyl with scratch,

Too tightly mentally I latch,

From care to obsession,

Need to let go, not a possession,

So I write, don’t expect a reply,

Obsession let down too many times,

Now I just wonder if you’re alive,

And if you’re well and happy too,

Dear old friend, how are you?

Never know, hollow at replies,

Don’t feel happy but not dead inside,

Great to see you, I’ll see you next time,

Though uncertain if and when,

I hope to see you sometime again,

Even from a distance, from afar,

Long as you’re well,

It’s fine if I’m not there,

Not a part of your life,

Never knowing joy or strife,

Am I a friend, still?

I start to wonder,

Dangerous these thoughts drag me under

You’re like a pirate, on the seas,

Maybe you’re drowning too,

But I just hope you’re free,

Not expecting a rope thrown,

From you to me,

So I will drown here,

The you with me.

Afraid and Numb

- whisper

[just-a-whisper]

10/24/23 7:32pm

Look down upon me, if you dare,

Steely gaze toward confident posture,

A misreading of intent,

Led to a coldness,

Though they try to help,

Assist, to be of use,

I see ridicule,

They look down upon me,

My voice falls flat, emotionless,

I don’t care for your opinion,

I’ve been perhaps heartless,

It’s time to be civil, at least,

Redefine past perspectives,

Let old grudges die.

From Perspective Grows Ice

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

10/24/23 7:24pm

Obsession, idolatry,

Mistaken for romantic love,

I thought this was it,

That I found it,

But I think I found it before,

It was much more…uncomfortable,

Uncontrollable, illogical,

I hated it, I didn’t want it,

I’ve found the love,

I’ve realized the love,

Can be found in many of my close friends,

The same comfort,

The same safety,

Perhaps a softer hug,

Than what I sought from one,

Though this one love is another unconditional,

It’s not what I thought it was,

Idealized, better than it is,

I need to ground myself,

In reality, in what I truly feel,

What I truly need,

Not in idolatry.

Idol Love

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

5/27/23 12:08 am

Isn’t it strange,

How one of my earliest memories is of watching you when we were so little,

Running wildly for a game,

Smiling with so much joy?

Isn’t it strange that you have always been a part of everything if I could help it,

That I always thought of you?

Though again this isn’t strange, right, as my friend?

Isn’t it strange how you slipped your arm through mine,

And electricity seized my entire body from my scalp to my toes?

Isn’t it strange that I could talk to you, to listen to you, for hours and never tire,

That when my eyes begin to droop,

My only wish is to fall asleep beside you?

Oh, my dear, if only I could do this and wake up next to you every day,

Isn’t it strange that I wish to do this,

But also dream of living with you one day,

Go grocery shopping together,

Wash dishes together,

Dine together,

Go to events together,

Fool around at 2 am in the kitchen, laughing our butts off,

To do all the mundane and big things in life together?

Isn’t it strange how that one day,

I looked at you seriously,

Absolutely befuddled,

Trying to figure out if you changed something,

Because your hair looked a little darker and so well placed,

That it complimented you so well?

Isn’t it strange that when you invited me to that proud festival,

That I was absolutely terrified but wanted to go just to spend time with you?

Or that I went to your mother’s program mostly just to see you?

Isn’t it strange that I’ve dreamt of you,

Of being in a relationship,

Or even twice, getting married?

Oh carissima, that black dress would have looked beautiful on you,

Isn’t it strange that day at the play,

When I saw only you for a moment,

As we ran to embrace so tightly,

“They’re having a moment,” a friend said as we ignored all else,

Oh yes, and the world truly felt like it faded away,

“I’m never letting go,”

My friend, I could have held you for forever if I was able to,

Isn’t it strange?

Isn’t it strange?

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

5/8/23 8:23 pm

A new sprout of friendship,

I ripped out with my own hands,

Now a guilty weight sits in my chest with a collection of broken shards,

Am I allowed to call this heartbreak,

When I wasn’t even sure it was the start of love?

Broken sprouts

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

5/8/23 1:33am

The sea batters the ship’s sides,

But from within the hull the storm does wage,

Expanding, rhythmic hard beats,

Forcing the beams to stretch, to creak,

To ache, for land far yet within reach,

It is the ship that defies the waves,

Which try to push it closer to those shores,

Fight the waters, be wary of loss,

Bare caution to the crash, the wreck, the cost,

To get closer to that island any more,

So the ship continues sailing,

Though it’s drowning in the sea,

Of feelings for a soulmate, a companion, a matey,

And though the treasure may be eternal,

To last for all of life,

The ship, me, is shaking,

Would we work out as wives?

Could the ship sail?

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

3/31/23

I’m so tired of being optimistic, of being the one that smiles just so it might make someone’s day a little better.

I thought that’s what I was supposed to do but it’s led me to almost completely repress any emotions that are negative or I subconsciously decided would affect others. I’ve forced myself to be this way and can’t express anything without exploding or even identify how I feel. What the hell is wrong with me?

I want to keep smiling but I don’t know how much longer I can. I’m just so so tired.

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

Nothing sounds so nice,

Think nothing,

Do nothing,

Feel nothing,

Express nothing,

No worry, no obligation, no time stamp on responsibilities,

How extremely peaceful it would be,

To be blank,

An unrippled body of water,

Regardless of depth, of life,

Beneath the surface,

Undisturbed,

All has stilled.

Unrippled water

- whisper

[just-a-whisper]

Do you ever have a person’s name,

At the tip of your tongue?

Not as something nearly forgotten,

But never truly forgotten, a muscle memory,

The name when calling others you almost accidentally say,

The name that repeats in your head at any time of day,

Echoing ceaselessly to a great depth,

Both in your mind and your mouth,

As if your mouth was formed only to say it?

You are a muscle memory

- whisper

[just-a-whisper]

And maybe it’s better to build those walls,

Never seen, never called,

Or at least figure out some boundary rules,

Before again your make of yourself a fool,

The jester that never learned how to speak,

And gestures wildly so,

That no one knows what you really want or need no matter where you go,

And the kicker is that with all the things you try to say or do,

The one that understands the gestures least is the jester, you.

The Jester

-whisper

I am only a shadow of the person I used to be,

An echo of those around me,

A whisper that has forgotten how to speak,

That the walls have only continued to build,

Until no one could find me again.

[just-a-whisper]

Is love and its discovery just a mere coincidence of kindness?

Is that all it takes?

A certain moment, a certain gesture, word, expression,

Which can start a little kindle of tenderness, of vulnerability,

But how big can that fire burn before it becomes too much?

How long can that fire last before it goes out?

What of the circumstance of a lost translation which makes the rain crash down?

The wood left for long, ability lost to rekindle?

What then?

Why is this emotion so fragile and fleeting a thing,

Yet it can weigh one down or leave a gap when it’s turned sour and gone,

Leaving baggage and a hole in your chest,

What then?

Accidental Love?

- whisper

[just-a-whisper]

I wish that I could,

Fall off the face of the Earth,

And finally fly.

Seeking Gravity

-whisper

[just-a-whisper]

Please let us heal from the things we never said.

[just-a-whisper]

Waiting for time to take its toll,

Wear them down till they’re made null,

The rain only smudges the engraved crimes,

There but appearing blurry in one’s eyes,

Falsities, actions, things wished untold,

Carry the mounds of filthy rags til grown old,

More and more accumulate by little,

Though many were wind, not worth a whittle,

Though holding them, dragging your body so crushed,

You wonder how you could ever give yourself forgiveness.

Here Lies

- whisper

[just-a-whisper]

My head is light,

My neck is buzzed,

My mind is heavy,

My body is gone,

My shoulders are tense,

My chest is tight,

My conscience sinks,

My soul quivers,

Let me rest,

The warm earth cradle me,

Until I am ready to rise,

Or stay there contently,

I am tired.

Finals Week

-whisper