k1tth3al13n

[k1tth3al13n]

I think i have a crush on my classmare. Or not really, i think im putting my own fantasies on them.

They are going on a school trip today and i dunnp why i have this strong urge wishing they could hug me anr call me cute. I miss them whoch is stupid cuz we arwnt close at all.

They said that i was cute beforw qne when they see me they feel like rhey could explode just by seeing me.

But theyve also joked anf called a baby chair my seat TOT

I feel sick.

What if i never find love

I cant even picturw it

Is it even humanly possible to love me? I dont think so..

Even if i were to change myself compleltu people would still view me as a pathetic lil baby doll..

My sis called me a doll the other day.

I didnt like it. She knows more thqn anyone that i hate being called thqt and understqnds..

[k1tth3al13n]

He just like me fr

let him live

[k1tth3al13n]

Ik this is so stupid but i wish someone would have a crush on me so bad

Im so tired and fed up getting crushes and romance in general.

People dont get crushes on me

Im no ones type and i wish i was so badly

It stresses me out, whenever im in a new setting with people it overwhelms me to the point i shut myself out from my surroundings

I just wanna know i can be loved too

I know my friends love me and my family luckily

But i wish someone would see me walk into a room and light up, find joy in my company and find me pleasant to look at. Romantically is the key word here

I just feel like romance isnt meant for me, like no one will ever see me that way.

It hurts and it makes me feel lost sometimes

Especially when people around me are getting crushes and into relationships

Its like, whats wrong with me?

But becuz im neurodivergant i clock out super easily, its hard to stay focused in conversation for so long maybe thats why

But other neurodivergant people ik are doing fine and are in relationships so..

Im short and my face is round

Im not skinny enough to look cool and im clumsy

All im comftorble in is tshirts and jeans, im too girly but also too boyish. Not girly enough and not boyish enough

I dunno..

[k1tth3al13n]

I dunni whats wring with me i feel so bitter and cold

I just feel like im a robot and i cant function and people want something frim me and it doesnt work and im so broken i cant do anything for myself

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry No.54

Its been harder to update this blog recently

If feels like my brain isnt really keeping up with everything aroubd me

Theres so much going on its weird that time is ticking and not standing still

It feels like everything is going so fast and my brain is in normal time mode if that makes sense

I miss the city, the rain on the street and the constant chatter of hapiness around you. You just a small speck in a crowd that no one notices you

Its comforting in a way, a lot of the people around me dont really get that though and wish for the countryside and i do too but i feel like theres good in both.

Anyway im getting distracted, my heart feels so heavy it hurts sm.

I just wanna be loved, or more specifically feel safe and understood. I feel like such a weirdo.

I brokedown last tuesday and it stressed my sis out she had to call my mum. But i couldnt talk to my mum about anything since that would mean outing my sis as a lesbian, me as panromantic,asexual and genderfluid.

Ive been having a lot of self esteem issues the past couple months, with my gender and everything.

I dont know

My sis has become a lovesick puppy and keeps venting about hee crush and sending pics n videos about love and i can barley watch them

I wish i could enjoy them but its hard to enjoy them i dont know whats wrong with me

Ever since i was small i was stressed out by romance, i felt like i had to be a picture perfect wife for every boy i met, and it only got worse when i found out i like all genders.

Its so hard to relax around anyone, no one is even expecting this from me so i wish id just let it go. And like sometimes it goes away but its always there at the back of my mind and whenever i see romance media if its not slow burn its rrally hard for me to digest.

I feel sick i wish i was normal, my sid sugessted i talk to a therapist but none of the therapists i can contact are lgbtqia+ or anything of the sort so it doesnt feel like i can confide in them.

I dont know..

I just feel so invalidated as a human beingm i hate being percieved so much.

I hate how romance likes to put you in boxes im gonna actually throw up

I feel so awful i could cry .

Im so worthless i csn barely keep my room tidy, i cant dress up and i cant get any hw done at all or evan apply to summer jobs im so pathetic

I havent slept for months, im so restless and scared for the morning snd to have to face another day again

[k1tth3al13n]

So fed up trying to shift only for me waking up back in my cr and having to go through yet another day of my cr.

Im so stressed out i have no time for anything and ive been too scared to sleep becuase i dont want tommorow to come.

Ik i should try harder and believe in myself, i can already hear the shifters on tiktok screaming at me

Its just been so hard these past 3 months..

[k1tth3al13n]

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry no.53

Its so hard hearing my sister gush about having a crush and then all of a sudden her brain plumets and then her self esteem is awful just becuase she couldnt muster up the courage to talk to them or becuases shes overthinking a really really happy memory that went well like shes trying to find something bad with it.

I understand i do, ive felt the same many times before. But ive never had to support someone through a crush before. Ive never had mqny friends and its just been myself when ive had crushes, i couldnt bring myself to vent much about it with my sis becuase shed never gone through it before.

My last crush ended really badly. It was the first time i crushed on friend [❤️] instead of a classmate i wasnt close to.

We are still friends but to find out all those "moments" was just me being delusional really hurt my self esteem and it makes me sick when i hear overlaps with my sisters current crush.

Its scary. No one i know has had good luck with relationships. Its all ended badly or gone badly or is bad etc or they are lonely even if they are with someone and have no friends. And when people have partners their best friend is always lonely.

It hurts i dont want to hear about romance anymore. I cant stand it

Hearing my sister gush about ficitonal couples n stories. Its too much for me i feel sick thinking about it.

The expectations and consequences that come with a partner is too much.

Im so scared too becuase im some sort of nonbinary, genderfluid something and no ones ever had a crush on me. There was 1 rumour once and nothing came of it and he never confessed to me so i dont know if they were just messing with me.

The other time was a friend of mine and he confessed to my best friend ar the time the day before so that wasnt real.

And it feels like everyone is obssesed with what a relationship is supposed to look like i just want to vibe and be friends and feel loved and cared for.

I feel too girly for nonbinary trans relationships. I feel sick being in a wlw relationship becuase im not a girl. And i cant be with a guy either becuase what if he infantilises me.

Even my parents dont think ill find someone. My mum cant picture a partner for me, and shes worried ill go out with someone that will hurt me. And my dad is always worried about if im being bullied in school purely becuase of my height.

Whwnever i share my fictional crushes people are like oo u like the pretty ones/bad boys. And im just like huh? I didnt think of it that way at all. Isnt it normal for people to like those characters ficitonally. Why does it stand out when its me?

And usually i like "bad boys" becuase i kin them it comforts me to see someone feel lonely and who cant communicate. And they are usually soft anyway and dont actually hurt anyone.

And pretty people, i didnt think about it? I dont understand. Its fictional crushes about aesthetics anyway and then if you connect with one emotionally they become your favourite?

I dont get it

I feel sick

I dont wanna be someones princess or prince. I wanna be someones clumsy knight, or weird forest witch that lives alone. How do i explain how im feeling? I feel like mush im so confused.

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry no.52

I havent been able to write for a while im sorry. Well maybe not to whoever is reading this but to myself since i want to record my emotions to learn about myself and i keep being unmotivated to record anything.

Sadly i wont be posting any of the happy things latley just want i need right now as im posting this.

I feel so fed up with myself i might puke.

I have zero motivation to dress up now for months and its only gotten worse especislly after the holidays now that ive been able to wear pjs, jumpers and trousers on a daily basis.

I feel like ive lost myself i dont know who i am or who i want to be. I just know all these versions people want me to be.

I dont understand what it means to do something for myself, to dress for myself. I cant even think up an image in my head i dont know what i want.

The only thing that makes me feel like i have some sort if identity is when im able to indulge in my interests. But i have no one to share it with and it just feels so lonely.

I feel like im gonna puke every morning when i have to choose what to wear.

I hate everything. I want people to see me as an adult but it feels impossible.

My height, my face, my voice it all resembles a child it feels like im locked up ans i cant escape.

I jusr wanna be me and be free but its so hard.

I feel like i put a costume on everytime i dress up ans when i dont dress up i feel so ugly.

Even when i try new things no one notices. I feel sick.

Ans if someone does notice the outfit is immediantly tainted for me and it feels like poison on my skin.

I dont know what to do with myself.

I feel so much body dysmorphia i dont know what to.

I keep randomly scrolling through vinted and saving a million things but i never buy anything.

I hate hearing about my friends talk about wanting to look better and finally be "cool".

It makes me sick that they dont see an issue with it, i have to say but remember you are cool without the clothes too and they just look at me like a weirdo.

I feel so sick i want to rip my skin off. Everything about me feels like posion. Even though ive had a shower it feels like the dirt is stuck to my skin and theres nothing i can do about it and everyone will think im stinky and childish forever. And if im not childish im cold and distant or stupid.

I dont know what to do anymore what to i wanna look like or be everything feels so lost and scrambled

Its so frustrating too becuz my sister doesnt like helping me and whenever i say anything she just remains silent and continues on like nothing happened.

But then when i say i dont wanna talk about it peoplr get upset that i dont wanna talk but like it doesnt help it never does. It might feel like a relief but nothing changes and im still poison.

It feels like everything i like ans who i am is wrong. That i like specific characters instead of the ones other people like or if i like the same character it doesnt compare to them but thats not the point i just want to be happy with other people why is there this barrier built between us?

Even when i find peoppe that like the same things as me they never have the same view of it as me.

For example star wars, i see it like this comedy dark fantasy medieval show like a mix of dead poets society mixed with the princess bride. Its not the real version of star wars so its hard to connect with other star wars fans and they are always so picky with what media they like so it feels like they hate me when i like anything.

I just dont know what to do my heart hurts everything i touch feels like poison i hate showering and the numbness of it. I hate my bed i hate the dark i cant see anthing. I hate that i cant walk outside becuz of the ice. I hate that people cant talk to me like they can with others.

My favourite aunt has whole conversations and phone calls with my sis but when it comes to me she never replies and its like i dont exist.

It feels like i dont exist in my family. Im scared also becuz it feels like its gonna happen with my closest friends too [❤️][🍃] they are already texting my sis so much more than me and have managed to bond over share interests im scared ill be invisible again.

I am already invisible. In my class no one wants to hang out with me specifically even though i love th3m so much i could cry. How do i communicate with people i dont understand. I feel broken i hate it

Whats wrong with me, why can everyone say that and i cant i feel so lonely.

Something is fundamentally wrong with me.

Also my sister got her first crush this year and its all she will talk about and if i dont entertain the idea with her she gets so insecure about it and lonely and she feels like shes worthless. It feels like no matter how much i support her she doesnt believe me and its not good enough. I could list all the reasons i think her crush would like her back and it doesnt matter. Shes such a hyper person and the fact that im not hyper makes her feel like a weirdo when in reality im just not a hyper person ive never been a hyper person and it makes me feel broken when she wants a bigger reaction out of me.

Im such a deadpan person i dont know how to fix it. I can only be bubbly for short amounts of time i dont know how to fix myself it hurts so much i dont know what to do. Whenever im with my friends its a constant stress for me to keep their attention its like im a hamster on a hamster wheel i feel like im gonna perish

I wish someone would love me for who i am and ask me to things and want to be close to me and find what i say interesting and not hate me.

My mum and dad and family and everyone, no ones interested in me like that. Its hard for me to be the same to others. Its hard to care when i feel dissociated 24/7 and just trying to remember to brush my teeth and shower and make food as well as homrwork everyday. Ive got to make sure everyone is happy too and not lonely. I dont want people to feel lonely. I love my friends and strangers so much it hurts i just want everyone to be happy it feels so lonely. Im on a chase everyday its so exhuasting i dont know what to do i feel so broken inside.

I feel like a monster. Im gonna throw up.

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry No.51

I'm feeling really stressed out.

I saw something yesterday and It really disturbed me and I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me feel physically sick.

Also my sis keeps talking about her crush and her new favourite show that she shares with her crush and I'm having such a hard time being supportive and it's frustrating me.

I really want to be there for her but I'm surrounded by so many failed relationships it just worries and scares me. I don't want her to go through the same thing, and feel the same pain I felt when I found out [❤️] didn't like me back.

It hurts so much my whole body feels unsettled I don't know what to do with myself.

And I don't have any time these days to indulge in any of my interests or hobbies so I'm just rotting away trying to keep up with my family and everything.

I'm so stressed for new years too I need to plan what to to so I can figure out what to tell people but I don't want to plan things and my sis is making literally 0 effort

I don't know what to do with myself and also tommorow I might phone call about ADHD and then on Friday I'll be going to the hospital for my disease checkup and I hate going. I hate putting the needle in 100 times and then waiting for an hour in numbing silence T~T

Also I feel really awkward with how much "praise" i get from my sis, its not a lot. I'm not someone that gets compliments every day, so when I do it really sticks out to me.

I hate when my sister "praises" me or anyone for that matter, it makes me feel sick becuz I don't know everything and I'm just trying to figure my life out and it feels like people only say it to push themselves down and put me on this pedestal I don't deserve to be ob nor want to be on.

When I was like 16 my sis wrote a whole ESSAY about how I was her role model and when I found out about it it made me feel sick, it still makes me feel sick

I hate it

I haven't done anything, she's just trying to find more reasons to push herself down and becuz she can't read what's going on in my mind and becuz I have an articulate way of speaking she just assumes I'm someone to look up to

We are twins!!! It makes me feel horrible

Especially when she used to not trust me for so many years and then used to hit me.

I don't like it it makes me feel sick

And in music club people were saying how I had really good music taste which made me happy but also really nervous my whole body was shaking

But now I have to choose an album for everyone to review for the next session and I'm terrified becuase I don't want to pick someone they will all think isn't cool and I don't even know what I'm going yo pick since I don't really listen to albums I listen to random songs T^T

I wanna just drown myself in media and my hobbies I wish I could so bad I hate living in the same room as my sis again now that it's the holiday. I have no privacy to do anything without having someone over my shoulder and my mum is the same in the same house and she won't leave me alone to rest becuz she doesn't feel like the day is spent well unless you are out the house 24/7

Im gonna explode my sister is right behind me I feel so overwhelmed I have no space

Also she's so loud and hyper and I can't tell her about any of these feelings without her freaking out and getting quiet and she's going through so much I can't shatter her self esteem she barley has one T.T

But I feel so overwhelmed everything is so loud, my body is panicked my brain is loud everyone else is loud everything just feels loud and I can't get any seconds of peace and I feel like crying I can't

Also the only thing I can really do right now is write since I have my phone and nothing else to use creative wise, but I don't even know how to write and its really stressing me out and can't even write for fun to practice and it's overwhelming me and I feel hopeless but whenever I try to tell people how I feel they don't understand and just tell me to practice and stuff but o don't know how to describe it. I watch and consume so much how to media and then when I sit down to write my brain goes empty and I get scared I can't even get a word on the paper. And I get so overwhelmed with creating characters it feels like nothing is authentic and it stresses me out so much becuase I just want to self indulgent and nothing satisfies me

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry no.50

A lot has happened since I wrote last. I was sick for a whole week. It was really stressful cuz I couldn't do any hw, and all the school Xmas activities I had to miss out on T~T

Then first day back I found out a family member passed away so I could go to dance practice becuase I couldn't stop crying..

I couldn't present my presentation either in class which stressed me out becuz I don't want the teachers to be upset with me and I barley hand any assignments in as it is...

They were understanding and said its ok and take care of myself but I still felt stressed by it.

It hurts a lot, I keep thinking of the last time I saw him and how swollen he looked.. and I couldn't be there for mum as she has to deal with everything.

I'm home now though..

I'm happy to be home I missed my family so much.

It's been stressful though I forgot why home life was so stressful after being away so long.

My mum suggested I get tested for ADHD, I'm gonna do it. My sis is being diagnosed and now my cousin so

I'm kinda nervous though, it's a lot of work and money for the result to possibly be a no.. and I don't want to be a burden on anyone..

Uhh yeah also we were watching Queer Eye and its a huge comfort shoe for me,my sis and our mum and we watch every season together.

I feel like my mum is really accepting about a lot of things, but whenever something about "nonbinary" comed up my mum can't process it and thinks its weird. Like it doesn't affect her so she doesn't care. Like one of the people has a kid that's nonbinary and everyone was saying he/him but as soon as we met them in the episode my mum switched to she/her pronouns and was like aww she's so cute. T0TTT

I dunno it made me uncomftorble and I can't stop thinking about it.. ik my mum doesn't mean to be disrespectful I don't think she's thinking about it properly.. it just hurts cuz I'm pretty sure I'm not CIS and I don't think I'll ever come out to her.. but I hate feeling like I'm lying to her 🥺😥

It just hurts.. T~T my sis is a lesbian ans she's scared to come out, not becuase our mum would be against it but becuase our mum would be sad that she wouldn't get any grandkids..

Aaaaaa

I dunno.. sometimes I feel really lonely with my sexuality and gender.. even though everyone Ik at school is lgbtqia+ but we never talk about it and it feels like I never have time to process it.

It hurts to even think about, I feel like as soon as I get to talk about it with someone I'll start crying or hyperventilating.

I'll go now aa byeee

[k1tth3al13n]

I just saw a post that deeply annoyed me because it went, "Here's a story that's like a Regency romance, but I FIXED it by making the characters sexually liberated and shame-free and polyamorous!"

This is like saying, "Here's a story that's like a thriller, but I FIXED it by having the serial killer go to therapy instead of trapping victims in his evil maze and dismembering them."

.

The thing a lot of people don't seem to get is that the entire appeal of a Regency romance is watching a deeply repressed, perfectly controlled, buttoned up, straight-laced person who has never expressed an emotion before fall so hard for someone that something in them just breaks and they come completely unhinged.

It's a very specific kink that this genre is tapping into.

People who think the characters in a Regency novel are boring are missing the whole point. The characters are supposed to be boring, right up until they fall so madly in love that it drives them insane, at which point they become very interesting. Regency romance novelists are doing the writing equivalent of putting plain white featureless uncooked whole eggs in a microwave and waiting for them to explode.

[k1tth3al13n]

If anyone has any star wars fanfics reccs plz comment :3

Fave character rn is Rex but I'm open to anything!!! (>♡<)

[k1tth3al13n]

Songs that remind me of The 100!

I managed to give everyone three songs each although I feel a lot of the songs suit multiple characters :3

This is based off of season 1 mostly !! I've just finished it and started episode 2 of season 2 when I posted this 🫶

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Raven

The Wrong Place - HooverPhonic

Bubblegum bitch - MARINA

No One Noticed - The Marías

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Finn

This side of Paradise - Coyote Theory

Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2

Believer - Twenty One Pilots

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Octavia

Dandelions - Ruth B.

Bang Bang Bang Bang - Sohodolls

Thunder - Imagine Dragons

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Murphy

Chateau - Djo

House of memories - Panic! At the Disco

Rhinestone Eyes - Gorillaz

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Clarke

Running up that hill - Kate Bush

505 - Arctic Monkeys

Whatever It Takes - Imagine Dragons

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Jasper

Baby Hotline - Jack Stauber's Micropop

Freaks - Surf Curse

Get Lucky - Daft Punk

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Wells

Brazil - Declan Mckenna

Army dreamers - Kate Bush

Nothings Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Bellamy

Softcore - The Neighbourhood

Yellow - Coldplay

Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Lincoln

Telepatía - Kali Uchi

Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood

Die With A Smile - Lady Gaga,Bruno Mars

───◍⃘ ┈┈─── ֺ ᪄၃ ִ ──┈┈◍⃘ ────

Monty

Tek It - Cafuné

Always Forever - Cults

Ride - Twenty One Pilots

[k1tth3al13n]

“It feels like we've been apart for a lifetime. . .”

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry no.48

Comfort show rn is "the 100" its not really that good but I got really attached to bellamy blake.

He's so protective of his sister and his backstory made me really feel for him.

He's become a new comfort character for me.

I wanna try find fluffy fanfics for him to read but all the ones I'm finding are smut or the y/n is angry with him and it doesn't make me happy (/ _ \)

I just want something cute and cosy so I can see him more when I'm not watching the show.. I'm scared for the season to end I really like the first season so far..

I just bought the dvd for the first and second season second hand. I'm excited for when they arrive

I just want him to be happy. When I saw he wanted to run away it made me really sad.. he's going through so much T^T

[k1tth3al13n]

Diary Entry No.47

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel sick, like poison.

I feel so sensitive.

Maybe I'm getting my period?? T~T

I started crying on Wednesday night out of no where and it made my sis worry

I dunno I couldn't handle the thought of romance and started talking about it out of no where without thinking I just found my mouth moving and talking out of no where I didn't like it

I'm hiding, sitting on the floor in one of the hidden areas in the art house.

I dunno I feel overwhelmed I don't know what to do with myself. No ones talked to me today and I can't sit with [🐈‍⬛️] becuz I need to be in the clay room to finish my assignment. I'm really scared I won't finish it on time T~T

[🧟‍♀️] has a friend over so I couldn't hang out with them today either, and it was too crowded around [🍃][❤️] to sit with them at lunch so I ended up sitting next to my classmate [🐸] but they were chatting with a friend I've never seen before so I couldn't butt in.

My sis isn't here today either, she left to go home yesterday becuz of a dentist appointment in our home town.

I feel so prickly, sick and awkward.

Also [🐸] said during our art presentation that they are getting diagnosed for OCD and it brought back a lot of memories.

There was a time period where I thought I had it, I don't want to put labels on myself. Besides my therapist told me I don't have it.

But it made me scared.

Becuz I couldn't be honest with my therapist, and she was asking questions that I couldn't relate to like double checking if the door is locked and stuff.

I don't feel comftorble talking about it but I do get thoughts, but I'm so used to ignoring them as soon as they pop into my head I push them out. It's like a flash and it hurts and I keep going pretending it's not real.

Unrelated but I'm sad to see [🐸] sad, and [🐕] seems sad latley too.

Last year [🐕] was always so bright and cheerful and playful this year he always seems tired and disapears and I dunno its not my place but it makes me worry for him. I'm wondering if it's becuz he lives with his best friend and his gf, maybe he feels left out since he never has time alone with [🌳] anymore.

I dunno.. I want everyone to be happy..

[🍃] isn't doing too well either, and my sis said she might be leaving the school vlcuz she's just not happy here..

I should go back.. I dont want to.. I technically finish school now.. but I got to finish my work before I leave T.T