kainyte - Tumblr blog

[kainyte]

i am TWEAKING why did this flop so bad did the tumblr scaranation die off or what

ik i cant rlly ask for much as this is like my 4th post + i don't have that many followers but still compared to the childe post (pt 1 hit 300 notes :3 ) this is DYING :sob:

love no more ⎯ ft. scaramouche angsty angst; rewrite fr my old blog!

scaramouche always dreamed of having a lover, yet never did it cross his mind how painful it might be to leave one. why did it pain him so if it was the right thing that had to be done?

notes: completely based off the song i don't smoke by mitski, but not a songfic. also, this is around like 2.5k words so have fun!!

Killing was easy.

Admittedly, it might be because Scaramouche had been doing it for so long. But even then, his first kill didn’t pull any kind of reaction from him. It was meaningless to care about a soul that had already left the world.

And so, he continued to kill.

One person became three, three became five, five became ten, ten became fifty, and fifty became hundreds.

It was a messy job. A lot of times he’d end up using his hands or a small pocket knife he’d always keep on him. Blood splattered and the body collapsed. Scaramouche grabbed his pocket knife, dug it into the chest of the person and pulled out their heart.

It was his signature move, if you could even call it that.

It wasn’t even practical to him. If anything, it just made more of a mess that he’d have to clean up. But, at least now, they would be heartless like him. 

They weren’t alive though.

No one knew what it was like to be outcasted by everyone. It was disgusting. Scaramouche supposedly didn’t have a heart, and yet he was forced to endure the pitiful emotions that only humans felt. And then when it came to emotions like happiness or love, he wouldn’t feel an ounce of it.

Disgusting.

He was disgusting.

Scaramouche’s life was riddled with misfortune. From the day he was brought up, all the way until now. The only thing that was supposed to be good was you.

He’d met you quite a while ago.

You’d been assigned to him as an attendant for a certain mission with the Fatui, but after close examination (his logic behind this being that you looked too “innocent” for the Fatui) he realized that you didn’t fit in. You were kind to all the soldiers that worked with him, you cooked meals for everyone and not just yourself, you shared the loot you found in the chest.

Seeing your actions made Scaramouche’s heart ache.

No one had ever bothered to be kind to him. They all thought of him as nothing more than a puppet. A failed creation.

And it was true.

Scaramouche was a failure of ideals that the Raiden Shogun wished to set into place. Ideally, he was to hold up her eternity by housing her gnosis. Ideally, he was supposed to be the perfect tool that the Raiden Shogun could manipulate into doing as she pleased. Ideally, he was never supposed to have emotions.

The Raiden Shogun took pity on her creation. ‘Why should a sentient being, capable of feeling human emotions, be bound to my will?’ That single thought was what caused Scaramouche to end up here. She took pity on him. And to make that pity go away, she decided to just let him go. After seeing him cry just from holding the gnosis, she realized he wasn’t fit for the job.

So, the Raiden Shogun set him free. No strings attached anymore.

But, in Scaramouche's eyes, he would’ve been better off destroyed.

And to him, Scaramouche didn’t understand why she hadn’t already. In fact, Scaramouche represents the very opposite of the eternity she so wished to up-hold. He was unpredictable, chaotic, emotional, and had undergone so many changes with himself and his feelings that he could barely process them anymore.

So when the area in his chest where his heart was supposed to be started beating uncontrollably when you offered him a meal you’d cooked, it was like his world was turned upside down.

That was just the beginning of it.

His face would flush whenever you were close, he would lose the words in his head whenever he tried to talk to you. Whenever you weren’t with him, Scaramouche wished you were. In the end, he appointed you as his personal assistant. 

And eventually, he realized that you were his one weakness.

Scaramouche had dug himself into a hole he didn’t know how to get out of. In indulging in you, and spending time with you, he’d fallen in love. You were his one weakness, and with how weak you were, you were very easy to manipulate.

It felt like an open wound. Anyone could see it, and anyone could pry their weapons into it and kill him. All they needed to do was kill you.

And one night, where things were especially bad, he confessed.

The words tumbled from his lips before he could stop them, and soon after, so did the tears. He thought you would hate him for it, but no.

“I love you too.”

Those were the words you’d said after he calmed down.

“I love you too.”

And from then on, he swore to never let you go.

Scaramouche bought a home in Liyue, and he lived there with you. He, of course, still did his Fatui duties, but even then he was happy. Those were the happiest five years of his life.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was something that he hoped would never happen between the two of you.

He had a nightmare. There were faces of people he loved and loathed. Three in particular. Ei, Niwa, and the child. All faces of people who had betrayed him once, all faces of people who were supposed to love him.

You loved him, didn’t you?

You wouldn’t betray him like them, right?

You wouldn’t. You were as kind as they come. Never in a million years would you ever think of betraying him like that.

Those were the thoughts Scaramouche repeated to himself everyday. It was a mantra of sorts. Whenever his thoughts started to spiral, he replayed those words in his head.

You’d never betray him.

But what if you did?

But you wouldn’t, right?

The same thoughts mulled over and over, it was all he could think about. It drove Scaramouche into pure madness. The spotlights of his mind were forever centered on you (whether you knew or not), and Scaramouche felt like he was going insane.

It was to the point where he couldn’t even sleep properly. The fear of you leaving him plagued his mind, every time his eyes closed he could see your bloody body, all wrapped up in the clothes he’d bought you.

It became exhausting to have to put up with it, mentally and physically. With each passing day, Scaramouche’s patience wore thinner and thinner.

He knew he was bound to snap eventually, he just didn’t expect it to be at you.

The sound of a door clicking open echoed throughout the empty house. Scaramouche takes off his shoes and leaves them near the front door before walking into the living room. After taking a quick glance around the house, he’d deduced that you weren’t anywhere inside.

He put back his shoes on and walked behind the house to the garden. Through the cracks of the wooden gate, Scaramouche could see you sitting on the ground fidgeting with something in your hands.

Scaramouche opened the door to the garden and quickly glanced down at you. Your eyes instantly flew up to meet him. There was a surprised look on your face before your expression softened.

A smile graced your lips.

“Kunikuzushi.”

Scaramouche’s heart dropped. Where did you learn that name? You weren’t supposed to know about that.

“Where did you hear that name?” He seethed. Was it Dottore? Did he tell you about that? Archons above, he was going to absolutely murder the man if it was.

“I just heard it from…” Your voice cracked quietly, “from somewhere.”

“Somewhere?!” Scaramouche responded, voice seeping with anger, “Bullshit.”

“Scara- I-”

Scaramouche’s eyebrows scrunched together and his jaw clenched, “Stop spouting your fucking bullshit.”

“I- I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s not going to cut it this time.” It was clear how angry he was. His voice hardened and his fists clenched harshly. The pain of his nails digging into the palms of his hand brought some relief, but it wasn’t enough.

You grabbed one of his hands, “Scara- really I-”

Your voice cut off abruptly when he yanked his hand away from you. Scaramouche averted his gaze away from you before getting out a strained, “I’ll be in the guest bedroom.”

You could only watch helplessly as the man you loved walked away from you.

The next day when you woke up, Scaramouche was gone.

‘Probably just one of his Fatui missions.’

You had long quit the Fatui. Their methods were too harsh for you, and even then, joining was a last resort to pay up your debt left behind from your family.

You inhaled sharply, ‘just breathe, he’ll be home by tonight.’

You waited. Every few minutes you’d find yourself looking out the window to the path that led to the two of your guys’ house. It wasn’t far from a waypoint so you knew Scaramouche wouldn’t have trouble getting back home. He knew how they worked, and was even kind enough to teach you how to do it yourself.

You smiled at the memory. Scaramouche had wrapped his arms around you and led your hand to press against the teleport waypoint. The first time it glowed blue, you were so startled that you tripped, but Scaramouche caught you.

Time, and time again, Scaramouche would catch you.

He loved you.

He loved you, so you knew he’d come back.

But when night came, Scaramouche was nowhere to be seen.

The days dragged on, and slowly, so did the months.

It had been months without your lover.

It had officially been four months since Scaramouche had seen your face.

He didn’t miss you.

In fact, he thought he was better off this way. Maybe, slowly, the bond between the two of you would weaken, and you’d no longer be his weakness.

He knew that wasn’t the case, but still, he hoped.

Which is why he didn’t know why he was here. He told himself to forget you. You’d forget him one day too, it was human nature. So then why was he here?

‘To cut all ties.’ He told himself, ‘I can’t live with them like this. People will use them, kill them. They’re in danger because of me.’

Scaramouche stared at the familiar front door. It was like he had been pushed back in time. Before he’d ever talked to you. Just like then his chest was tight with a foreign kind of anxiety. Just like then his hands shook and his palms felt clammy.

Scaramouche opened the door, the familiar clinking sound drawing your attention.

And, just like then, the instant he opened the door and saw your face, he didn’t know what to say.

There were dark bags under your eyes. Your hair was messy and longer than before. You looked.. Exhausted. Did he do this to you?

Even with how you looked, you still had the familiar light and love in your eyes when you looked at him. Your hands shook as you walked towards him. Scaramouche didn’t say anything, he only watched you. Your cold hands cupped against his cheeks and he flinched.

Your eyes widened in surprise, before retracting your hands away from him.

“Scara,” You whispered. Your voice was hoarse and you sounded on the verge of tears, “It’s been so long.”

“It has.” Scaramouche replied, tone neutral, “I’m here to-”

His voice cut off when you grabbed his hand. Your gaze shafted from his face to the hand you were holding.

“I have something for you.”

Scaramouche watches as you nervously fidget with the hem of your sleeve. Slowly, very slowly, your hand goes into the pocket of your bag before pulling something out.

There, gleaming in your hand was a thin purple ring. Embedded on the top was a Hanashobu flower. They were one of his favourites and you’d watched him pick them for you many times.

Scaramouche’s eyes shook. Tears welled next to his indigo eyes.

‘Don’t do this to me,’ Scaramouche thought, ‘I can’t love you like this.’

The best thing to do when you loved someone, was to let them go. This was his way of letting you go.

‘It’s ok,’ He told himself, ‘It’s for the best.’

Feigning anger, Scaramouche grabbed the ring and threw it on the ground.

“I came here,” Scaramouche said, voice laced with fake anger, “To take my things and leave.”

Your eyes widened, and the tears finally fell.

“What…?” You whispered, “Scara, why? I thought we loved each other?”

‘We do love each other!’ Scaramouche wanted to say, ‘Even when you don’t, I’ll always love you.”

But all he said in response was: “I’m merely a puppet incapable of love. What I had with you was fake.” Scaramouche’s heart ached, but it was for the best. “I can’t love, and even if I could, what makes you think I’d love you of all people?”

You're left speechless, standing in a pit of despair. You thought you had come to understand him, but it seems you were wrong. In the five years you’d spent with Scaramouche, you had grown so close. So why did the two of you suddenly feel miles apart?

Scaramouche scoffed as he watched you cry. Archons, nothing pained him more than watching you cry.

Maybe Scaramouche should be used to this. He’d seen so many people cry because of him, because of the pain he caused, the people he’d killed.

But it was always killing, wasn’t it?

Maybe, he hadn’t killed you physically, but when he looked into your eyes it was like all of the light was gone.

The spot where his heart was supposed to be ached.

Scaramouche squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. He slowly lowered his body and picked up the ring he’d dropped. Carefully, without you noticing, he slipped it into his pocket.

“I’m taking my things then leaving.”

Tears streamed freely down your face.

“Goodbye, [Name]”

When Scaramouche returned to his private room he finally cried. Through his tears, he slipped the ring you’d made him onto his left ring finger. At one point in his time with you, he had dreamed of marrying you. Spending the rest of his life with you.

Now, the only remnant of that dream was this ring.

‘It’s for the best.’ He told himself.

If it was for the best, why did it hurt so much?

Scaramouche’s chest was tight. Why was he always cursed with these types of emotions? Was it so much to ask for him to live a happy life?

Ah, but living with you would've been a happy life, but he gave that up.

Maybe, in the end, his downfall was his fault too.

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate

[kainyte]

do u take requests by any chance :3

yes i do !! just no nsfw and i mostly write angst but i can write fluff too !! also, if i don't know much abt the char i might deny it but im usually good w everyone

[kainyte]

love no more ⎯ ft. scaramouche angsty angst; rewrite fr my old blog!

scaramouche always dreamed of having a lover, yet never did it cross his mind how painful it might be to leave one. why did it pain him so if it was the right thing that had to be done?

notes: completely based off the song i don't smoke by mitski, but not a songfic. also, this is around like 2.5k words so have fun!!

Killing was easy.

Admittedly, it might be because Scaramouche had been doing it for so long. But even then, his first kill didn’t pull any kind of reaction from him. It was meaningless to care about a soul that had already left the world.

And so, he continued to kill.

One person became three, three became five, five became ten, ten became fifty, and fifty became hundreds.

It was a messy job. A lot of times he’d end up using his hands or a small pocket knife he’d always keep on him. Blood splattered and the body collapsed. Scaramouche grabbed his pocket knife, dug it into the chest of the person and pulled out their heart.

It was his signature move, if you could even call it that.

It wasn’t even practical to him. If anything, it just made more of a mess that he’d have to clean up. But, at least now, they would be heartless like him. 

They weren’t alive though.

No one knew what it was like to be outcasted by everyone. It was disgusting. Scaramouche supposedly didn’t have a heart, and yet he was forced to endure the pitiful emotions that only humans felt. And then when it came to emotions like happiness or love, he wouldn’t feel an ounce of it.

Disgusting.

He was disgusting.

Scaramouche’s life was riddled with misfortune. From the day he was brought up, all the way until now. The only thing that was supposed to be good was you.

He’d met you quite a while ago.

You’d been assigned to him as an attendant for a certain mission with the Fatui, but after close examination (his logic behind this being that you looked too “innocent” for the Fatui) he realized that you didn’t fit in. You were kind to all the soldiers that worked with him, you cooked meals for everyone and not just yourself, you shared the loot you found in the chest.

Seeing your actions made Scaramouche’s heart ache.

No one had ever bothered to be kind to him. They all thought of him as nothing more than a puppet. A failed creation.

And it was true.

Scaramouche was a failure of ideals that the Raiden Shogun wished to set into place. Ideally, he was to hold up her eternity by housing her gnosis. Ideally, he was supposed to be the perfect tool that the Raiden Shogun could manipulate into doing as she pleased. Ideally, he was never supposed to have emotions.

The Raiden Shogun took pity on her creation. ‘Why should a sentient being, capable of feeling human emotions, be bound to my will?’ That single thought was what caused Scaramouche to end up here. She took pity on him. And to make that pity go away, she decided to just let him go. After seeing him cry just from holding the gnosis, she realized he wasn’t fit for the job.

So, the Raiden Shogun set him free. No strings attached anymore.

But, in Scaramouche's eyes, he would’ve been better off destroyed.

And to him, Scaramouche didn’t understand why she hadn’t already. In fact, Scaramouche represents the very opposite of the eternity she so wished to up-hold. He was unpredictable, chaotic, emotional, and had undergone so many changes with himself and his feelings that he could barely process them anymore.

So when the area in his chest where his heart was supposed to be started beating uncontrollably when you offered him a meal you’d cooked, it was like his world was turned upside down.

That was just the beginning of it.

His face would flush whenever you were close, he would lose the words in his head whenever he tried to talk to you. Whenever you weren’t with him, Scaramouche wished you were. In the end, he appointed you as his personal assistant. 

And eventually, he realized that you were his one weakness.

Scaramouche had dug himself into a hole he didn’t know how to get out of. In indulging in you, and spending time with you, he’d fallen in love. You were his one weakness, and with how weak you were, you were very easy to manipulate.

It felt like an open wound. Anyone could see it, and anyone could pry their weapons into it and kill him. All they needed to do was kill you.

And one night, where things were especially bad, he confessed.

The words tumbled from his lips before he could stop them, and soon after, so did the tears. He thought you would hate him for it, but no.

“I love you too.”

Those were the words you’d said after he calmed down.

“I love you too.”

And from then on, he swore to never let you go.

Scaramouche bought a home in Liyue, and he lived there with you. He, of course, still did his Fatui duties, but even then he was happy. Those were the happiest five years of his life.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was something that he hoped would never happen between the two of you.

He had a nightmare. There were faces of people he loved and loathed. Three in particular. Ei, Niwa, and the child. All faces of people who had betrayed him once, all faces of people who were supposed to love him.

You loved him, didn’t you?

You wouldn’t betray him like them, right?

You wouldn’t. You were as kind as they come. Never in a million years would you ever think of betraying him like that.

Those were the thoughts Scaramouche repeated to himself everyday. It was a mantra of sorts. Whenever his thoughts started to spiral, he replayed those words in his head.

You’d never betray him.

But what if you did?

But you wouldn’t, right?

The same thoughts mulled over and over, it was all he could think about. It drove Scaramouche into pure madness. The spotlights of his mind were forever centered on you (whether you knew or not), and Scaramouche felt like he was going insane.

It was to the point where he couldn’t even sleep properly. The fear of you leaving him plagued his mind, every time his eyes closed he could see your bloody body, all wrapped up in the clothes he’d bought you.

It became exhausting to have to put up with it, mentally and physically. With each passing day, Scaramouche’s patience wore thinner and thinner.

He knew he was bound to snap eventually, he just didn’t expect it to be at you.

The sound of a door clicking open echoed throughout the empty house. Scaramouche takes off his shoes and leaves them near the front door before walking into the living room. After taking a quick glance around the house, he’d deduced that you weren’t anywhere inside.

He put back his shoes on and walked behind the house to the garden. Through the cracks of the wooden gate, Scaramouche could see you sitting on the ground fidgeting with something in your hands.

Scaramouche opened the door to the garden and quickly glanced down at you. Your eyes instantly flew up to meet him. There was a surprised look on your face before your expression softened.

A smile graced your lips.

“Kunikuzushi.”

Scaramouche’s heart dropped. Where did you learn that name? You weren’t supposed to know about that.

“Where did you hear that name?” He seethed. Was it Dottore? Did he tell you about that? Archons above, he was going to absolutely murder the man if it was.

“I just heard it from…” Your voice cracked quietly, “from somewhere.”

“Somewhere?!” Scaramouche responded, voice seeping with anger, “Bullshit.”

“Scara- I-”

Scaramouche’s eyebrows scrunched together and his jaw clenched, “Stop spouting your fucking bullshit.”

“I- I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s not going to cut it this time.” It was clear how angry he was. His voice hardened and his fists clenched harshly. The pain of his nails digging into the palms of his hand brought some relief, but it wasn’t enough.

You grabbed one of his hands, “Scara- really I-”

Your voice cut off abruptly when he yanked his hand away from you. Scaramouche averted his gaze away from you before getting out a strained, “I’ll be in the guest bedroom.”

You could only watch helplessly as the man you loved walked away from you.

The next day when you woke up, Scaramouche was gone.

‘Probably just one of his Fatui missions.’

You had long quit the Fatui. Their methods were too harsh for you, and even then, joining was a last resort to pay up your debt left behind from your family.

You inhaled sharply, ‘just breathe, he’ll be home by tonight.’

You waited. Every few minutes you’d find yourself looking out the window to the path that led to the two of your guys’ house. It wasn’t far from a waypoint so you knew Scaramouche wouldn’t have trouble getting back home. He knew how they worked, and was even kind enough to teach you how to do it yourself.

You smiled at the memory. Scaramouche had wrapped his arms around you and led your hand to press against the teleport waypoint. The first time it glowed blue, you were so startled that you tripped, but Scaramouche caught you.

Time, and time again, Scaramouche would catch you.

He loved you.

He loved you, so you knew he’d come back.

But when night came, Scaramouche was nowhere to be seen.

The days dragged on, and slowly, so did the months.

It had been months without your lover.

It had officially been four months since Scaramouche had seen your face.

He didn’t miss you.

In fact, he thought he was better off this way. Maybe, slowly, the bond between the two of you would weaken, and you’d no longer be his weakness.

He knew that wasn’t the case, but still, he hoped.

Which is why he didn’t know why he was here. He told himself to forget you. You’d forget him one day too, it was human nature. So then why was he here?

‘To cut all ties.’ He told himself, ‘I can’t live with them like this. People will use them, kill them. They’re in danger because of me.’

Scaramouche stared at the familiar front door. It was like he had been pushed back in time. Before he’d ever talked to you. Just like then his chest was tight with a foreign kind of anxiety. Just like then his hands shook and his palms felt clammy.

Scaramouche opened the door, the familiar clinking sound drawing your attention.

And, just like then, the instant he opened the door and saw your face, he didn’t know what to say.

There were dark bags under your eyes. Your hair was messy and longer than before. You looked.. Exhausted. Did he do this to you?

Even with how you looked, you still had the familiar light and love in your eyes when you looked at him. Your hands shook as you walked towards him. Scaramouche didn’t say anything, he only watched you. Your cold hands cupped against his cheeks and he flinched.

Your eyes widened in surprise, before retracting your hands away from him.

“Scara,” You whispered. Your voice was hoarse and you sounded on the verge of tears, “It’s been so long.”

“It has.” Scaramouche replied, tone neutral, “I’m here to-”

His voice cut off when you grabbed his hand. Your gaze shafted from his face to the hand you were holding.

“I have something for you.”

Scaramouche watches as you nervously fidget with the hem of your sleeve. Slowly, very slowly, your hand goes into the pocket of your bag before pulling something out.

There, gleaming in your hand was a thin purple ring. Embedded on the top was a Hanashobu flower. They were one of his favourites and you’d watched him pick them for you many times.

Scaramouche’s eyes shook. Tears welled next to his indigo eyes.

‘Don’t do this to me,’ Scaramouche thought, ‘I can’t love you like this.’

The best thing to do when you loved someone, was to let them go. This was his way of letting you go.

‘It’s ok,’ He told himself, ‘It’s for the best.’

Feigning anger, Scaramouche grabbed the ring and threw it on the ground.

“I came here,” Scaramouche said, voice laced with fake anger, “To take my things and leave.”

Your eyes widened, and the tears finally fell.

“What…?” You whispered, “Scara, why? I thought we loved each other?”

‘We do love each other!’ Scaramouche wanted to say, ‘Even when you don’t, I’ll always love you.”

But all he said in response was: “I’m merely a puppet incapable of love. What I had with you was fake.” Scaramouche’s heart ached, but it was for the best. “I can’t love, and even if I could, what makes you think I’d love you of all people?”

You're left speechless, standing in a pit of despair. You thought you had come to understand him, but it seems you were wrong. In the five years you’d spent with Scaramouche, you had grown so close. So why did the two of you suddenly feel miles apart?

Scaramouche scoffed as he watched you cry. Archons, nothing pained him more than watching you cry.

Maybe Scaramouche should be used to this. He’d seen so many people cry because of him, because of the pain he caused, the people he’d killed.

But it was always killing, wasn’t it?

Maybe, he hadn’t killed you physically, but when he looked into your eyes it was like all of the light was gone.

The spot where his heart was supposed to be ached.

Scaramouche squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. He slowly lowered his body and picked up the ring he’d dropped. Carefully, without you noticing, he slipped it into his pocket.

“I’m taking my things then leaving.”

Tears streamed freely down your face.

“Goodbye, [Name]”

When Scaramouche returned to his private room he finally cried. Through his tears, he slipped the ring you’d made him onto his left ring finger. At one point in his time with you, he had dreamed of marrying you. Spending the rest of his life with you.

Now, the only remnant of that dream was this ring.

‘It’s for the best.’ He told himself.

If it was for the best, why did it hurt so much?

Scaramouche’s chest was tight. Why was he always cursed with these types of emotions? Was it so much to ask for him to live a happy life?

Ah, but living with you would've been a happy life, but he gave that up.

Maybe, in the end, his downfall was his fault too.

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate

[kainyte]

I hate how I can't send asks through my other account ugh!!!!1

i love this theme by da way

WAIT WHY CAN'T U SEND JELP???>?>?>?<?><

also ues orv theme theyre so mentally ill it's insane.......................,

[kainyte]

im gona bite u

nom nom fr

[kainyte]

you're all i have left ⎯ ft. childe angst bcs idk what else to do w my life pt. O1 : pt. O2

the fatui harbingers lead dangerous lives, including childe. with his newborn son, it's getting harder and harder to keep everyone safe. and as much as it pains him he might just have to leave. and so he did, but as his time comes to a close, he just wants to see his lover one more time.

notes : part 2 because yall made me feel bad :,) tags: @solarrclxud @childesbimbo @linnyta @ari-sheizou srry if unwanted i jst tagged everybody who commented on part one hjskfhdjg

1 year and 40 days. That's how long it's been since you'd last seen Ajax. And yet, every night you'd miss the warmth of him and how comforting his embrace felt.

Your son is now 3 years old.

You’ve raised your son all by yourself. Every night you tell him about his father and how wonderful he is. You tell him of how much Ajax loves him, even if Ajax isn’t there to do so himself.

You’ve struggled to pick up the pieces of a broken life in Ajax’s absence. The first few months were spent waiting in agony to see if he returned, if he’d come home.

But as days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months, you started to lose hope. And finally, one night, as a final piece of yourself drifted away, you accepted it. Ajax was gone. It would be difficult to move on, but you had a son who needed you more than ever with a father’s touch missing.

The air in the room is still. Only a light breeze makes its way through the window, and the curtains to sway in the wind. The moonlight glows through the window and paints the room in a dark glow

Your eyes are heavy with sleep, but your mind is awake and buzzing with memories of your husband. So many happy memories. So many moments. The laughter. The joy. The love.

A gentle knock at the door breaks the silence. Your eyes flutter as you come back to the present. As if your thoughts about Ajax summoned someone to the door.

It hurts. Every time someone knocks at the door, you don't know who it is. Your heart jumps to the thought of it being your husband returning, but it never is.

The knocking comes again. Someone is clearly desperate to have your attention.

You sit up in bed and rub your eyes, trying to wake up quickly and answer the door. Was your mind playing tricks on you in your sleep or is someone actually here?

You stand up and hurry to the door. Slowly, you put your hand around the handle and twist it.

Your heart jumps to your throat, and it beats so fast you can hear it against your ears. What if it really is Ajax?

Please be him.

You hear the knocking again. A gentle but persistent tap. Like a knock from… no, no it couldn’t be. Not him. You know Ajax is gone. He had left.

“Just a sec!” You call out as you get out of bed. With a slight shake, you start to walk towards the door. Slowly. Like this moment is everything to you. As if you’re trying to delay the inevitable.

Slowly, you twist the door open. And…

It’s him.

It’s Ajax.

Ajax stands in the doorway, arms crossed, with a stoic and silent expression on his face. He looks the same, just like how you remembered him.

“Darling,” he says softly, “come out. We need to talk.”

His words sound as emotionless as always but his gaze on you speaks volumes. You feel a mix of emotions. Happiness, relief, panic, but most of all… fear.

You can’t feel anything, “Ajax.” You can see your body tremble, but you don’t feel it. Your vision goes blurry, presumably from how you’re tearing up.

He walks over, taking your hand in his.

“Darling, look at me.” His eyes meet yours. His expression is soft, worried, “Why are you crying?”

The question makes you scoff.

“Why am I crying?” Of all the questions he could ask, why does he choose that. You take a breath, your heart beating rapidly in your chest. Then, slowly, you look up at him, meeting his gaze for a moment… before looking away.

“It’s too much, Ajax. It’s been too long.”

“It has been too long, darling,” he says softly. “And I’m sorry…”

He pauses.

“Do you remember why I had to leave?” He asks calmly, a hint of regret in his tone.

His question makes you look back at him. He’s watching you intently, waiting for a reply. Waiting for the answer you’re afraid to give…

"I remember." you mumble. Your gaze never leaves his face, its has been too long.

Ajax swallows hard. He already knows your answer but he wants to hear it.

He wants to know the pain you went through. He wants to feel guilty. He wants to beg. He wants his heart to break all over again. He wants the chance to make it up to you, however he can.

And he's going to make you say it.

“Tell me,” he whispers, his voice breaking a little. He can’t hide the desperation, the pain. “Tell me why I had to leave.”

He sighs when you don’t respond.

“Darling,” he says, “I never wanted to leave you…”

Your heart breaks when you see the remorse in his eyes. The remorse for all the time he’s missed with you and your son. For all the moments he shouldn’t have been away.

“But…”

His words are followed by a silence. One that makes you feel the weight of the world sitting on your shoulders. You want to beg him to stay. You want him to stay even if it means he has to leave again.

“But you know I had to.”

“Ajax,” you whisper, “please. ”

"So do you understand?" He asks. He's not trying to be cruel, but you can hear the fear in his voice. The fear that you'll reject him, kick him out, or something worse.

"Darling, please, just answer me. Do you understand why I had to leave?"

You can see the desperation in his eyes and for the first time, you understand what he's trying to tell you. The fear he's experiencing. The dread. It's like he's reliving that day one year ago when he had to leave you.

"I understand Ajax."

You look at him and, archons, how you’ve missed him.

Ajax smiles at me and lets out a strained laugh, "Darling, I've gotten weaker. I had a feeling that..." He trails off and when you look back at him there are tears in his eyes.

He tries to stifle his tears. He's not usually so open with his emotions but after all you've been through, he doesn't want to hide from you anymore. He looks at you with pure, unfiltered love. And you can't hold back any more.

You move towards him, closing the distance between you two. You hug him tight, burying your head in his chest and letting out a soft sob. Ajax holds you back the same way, his breath shuddering with each exhale. You lean back and just look at each other, both of you filled with joy and relief... and fear.

"I think this might be the last time we'll be able to see eachother." Ajax whispers, "I just- you know what my job comes with. I've gotten weaker, this delusion, it's draining me.."

Tears stream down his face.

"Don't say that," you whisper in response. He's so weak. So much weaker than you remember him. The months of isolation seem to have taken a toll on him.

The thought of losing him again fills your chest, you're practically overflowing with dread.

"Don't do this to me, Ajax," you whisper again. "You're my life. I would be happy to end mine just to be with you forever."

You're half joking of course, but with the way your heart aches for him... you're not so sure how much of it was kidding after all.

Ajax kisses your forehead, looking at you with tears in his eyes. "Darling-" he starts. Before he can finish his sentence, you stop him by placing your finger on his lips.

"No," you say softly, "I don't want to hear what you have to say. I'm not losing you. I lost half of myself when you left. If I lose you again, I'll lose all of myself."

Your voice isn't soft anymore. It's hard and resolute, "I'm keeping you this time, Ajax."

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate

[kainyte]

you're all i have left ⎯ ft. childe angst bcs idk what else to do w/ my life pt. O1 : pt. O2

the fatui harbingers lead dangerous lives, including childe. with his newborn son, it's getting harder and harder to keep everyone safe. and as much as it pains him he might just have to leave.

notes : 1245 words of pure angst :DD

Ajax sighs, gently setting down the sleeping baby in the crib. His son. He has the same hair color as you, but he shares Ajax’s eyes. As the baby finally begins to settle, Ajax takes a step back.

The door is ajar, light from the hallway seeping in. You're asleep on your guys’ shared bed, arms curled against you chest.

Ajax misses when they were wrapped around him.

“I…” Ajax’s voice cracks, “I’m sorry,” he whispers to his son. Ajax knows the baby can’t understand, but he doesn’t care.

You’re a weak spot for him. Someone can easily exploit you to get to him. Or worse, someone could hurt you. Ajax can’t let that happen.

He kisses the baby on the head. Come morning, Ajax will be gone.

He’s about to leave the room quietly when he sees you stir in your sleep. You let out a soft sigh before settling back into sleep again.

Ajax is suddenly overwhelmed. He can’t just do this, he can’t just leave you here. He grabs the blanket from beside the crib and gently places it over your shoulders. He wants to wake you but he also wants what little rest you can get.

Ajax wants to stay.

But he can’t.

You slowly crack my eyes open, “Ajax? Why’re you up so late?” you move to the side of the bed, “Come back to bed.”

Archons. How can he do this. Tears well in the corner of his eyes, and he’s never been so thankful that darkness of the room hides them.

Ajax walks back to the bed. There’s something different about him.

Your eyes grow wide when you make a connection. He looks like he just woke up himself.

“I…” he pauses. He can’t tell you the truth. But he doesn’t want to lie to you. His eyes dart around the room as he struggles to come up with an excuse. “I saw that you were cold,” he lies.

You know. You’ve read him well enough. You know he’s lying but you know the truth would hurt more than the lie.

“You we’re going to leave?”

“Darling…” Ajax sighs, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face into the crook of your neck. He’s holding you so close.

You’re everything he has, and the way he feels the tears that stream down your face and fall onto his shoulder makes Ajax’s resolve waver.

He doesn’t want to leave you.

He wants to stay.

But he can’t. He’s told himself that a million times tonight, his mind running endless scenarios of what can happen if his enemies ever find out about you. He loves you too much to stay.

Your grip on his shirt tightens, and you bury your face deeper into the crook in his neck. “Please…” Archons, you can barely see through your tears, “Please don’t leave. You’re all I have left.”

Ajax swallows hard. He hates the lies. He hates having to do this. His love for you is the biggest reason to stay.

Yet…

He has to.

Ajax looks you in the eyes.

Can you tell that something is wrong? Or do you believe the lie? Ajax is holding back tears as hard as he can. The words feel like rocks in his mouth. He hates himself for doing this but it has to be done, for both your safety and the sleeping child’s.

“Shhh,” he whispers in your ear, “go back to sleep.”

Your voice is wavering with every word you speak, “Not without you, please don’t to this to me, I cant…” Your voice trails off.

I can’t do this without you.

Ajax’s hands are shaking. He’s tries to hold back his tears but some have slipped free. He brushes cups his hands against your face.

You’re crying because of him, and it breaks his heart.

“Darling…” he replies softly, “listen to me. There are enemies trying to hurt me. They’re looking for me, not you. If I go then you can be safe our son can be safe.”

Ajax kisses the top of your head, “I love you. I always will but you’re not safe with me.”

“But it doesn’t matter! We can get through it… Ajax i can’t do this without you.” Your tears are freely streaming down my cheeks. Your voice breaks and you stare up at Ajax with a blurry vision.

You break Ajax. How you whisper to him, how desperate you look for him to just stay.

Your words do what Ajax’s resolve couldn’t. Ajax hugs you tightly, refusing to let go. He doesn’t want to do this, he doesn’t want to leave you.

But the world is a cruel place, and Ajax knows how much a burden he could be to you and your guys’ son.

The two of you are his everything.

Yet his words still taste like poison in his mouth.

Ajax kisses you. Slowly, gently, tasting every inch of your lips. His lips taste like salt from his tears, and the kiss holds no desire or lust.

Instead, his kisses are soft, sweet, and desperate.

He doesn’t want to go.

He refuses to.

But his kisses tell you that as much as his words refuse to, he might have to.

He knows the pain he’s about to cause, but he can’t bear causing more. So even if it physically hurts him to leave, he has to.

“I love you,” Ajax whispers. “I love you more than anything. I never want to leave you.”

“But, I have to.”

Ajax walks to the crib. He picks up the now crying baby and rocks him gently. He wipes away the baby’s tears as he continues speaking to the baby.

“Darling, listen to me, listen to me. You’re going to be okay, okay? I love you very very much, very very much and that will never change. Daddy will always love you, okay?”

He speaks through tears to his baby son. His words are strained but the emotion he feels is raw and honest.

Ajax looks back at you, wanting more than anything to kiss you one last time but knowing he would never be able to leave if he did.

With a final kiss on his son’s cheek, Ajax sets his baby down in the crib. He looks at you once more. There is a pleading in your eyes. In your eyes, he can see how much this is hurting you.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers.

He’s about to leave.

Ajax looks at you one last time. He swallows hard, taking in every last detail of you. Your eyes. The shape of your lips. Your hair. In the darkness of night, he can see the stains of tears against your cheeks.

He knows he won’t see you again for a very long time, and his heart is breaking. The pain of letting go and the pain of holding on are tearing him apart. But he has to go.

Ajax backs towards the door.

And right before he opens it, he turns.

“Goodbye, darling. I love you.”

Ajax’s voice is thick as if he’s trying to fight off tears once more. He won’t win this fight. He can never win this fight, not against you. Not against your eyes, your lips, your love for him and him for you.

He leaves, shutting the door after him. It isn’t long before you hear the sound of footsteps on grass and then silence.

He’s gone. And you’re on your own.

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate

[kainyte]

growls at you

hey pookie wookie sorry for dying on u…

[kainyte]

💤 사랑 / kaito or kai ★ 16y.o. ; she/he/they ! hispanic&filo — SFW

💤 . . . masterlist !

left ⎯ ft. scaramouche fluff, wee bit of angst if u squint

you're all i have left ⎯ ft. childe 1245 words of jst angst uhm la dee da

you're all i have left pt. O2 ⎯ ft. childe part two bcs yall got me feelin bad... dhshj

love no more ⎯ ft. scaramouche angsty angst; rewrite fr old blog :3

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate

[kainyte]

left ⎯ ft. scaramouche fluff, wee bit of angst if u squint

it was just a small misunderstanding, and yet kunikuzushi is left in tears.

notes : first post on this blog

kunikuzushi knew you like the back of his hand. he knew what all your little faces meant, from small pouts to the twitch of an eyebrow. so he knew you were upset with him tonight, yet he never thought you'd react with this.

kunikuzushi was asleep, his body curled under the covers. the blanket was tucked under his chin and over his shoulders. unconsciously, his pale hands reached towards you, yearning for your sweet warmth. yet he couldn't find you.

his eyes shot open, franticly searching for you. usually, you could be found asleep, beside him. but not tonight. your side of the bed had been left empty, the sheets messy and wrinkled. kunikuzushi remembered slipping into bed with you; you'd curled up snugly against his chest right after laying down.

where are you? he scrambles off the bed, almost tripping over the hem of his pants in the process. "[name]," he calls out softly, "a-are you there?" no response. panic was beginning to stir, a sick feeling sitting in the pit of his gut.

"[name]?!" he called again, a little louder this time. still, no response. tears begin to well in the corners of his stark blue eyes. kunikuzushi's mind is spiralling. what if they left? did I do something wrong? he stumbles, searching behind doors and under beds.

kunikuzushi collapses onto the shared bed once more, "[n-name]" he whispers, tears freely streaming down his cheeks, "please don't leave me..."

"I would never leave you, kuni." you bring your hands to his face, gently cupping his tear-stained cheeks, "I love you, kuni." he sniffles burying his head into your chest. his arms reach around you, trapping you in his hug. you stroke his hair gently, trying to cal him down.

"I thought you'd left me," kunikuzushi sniffles, "w-where were you?" he looks up at you with teary eyes, a small pout adorning his lips. "thought you'd left me..." he mumbles again.

"I was thirsty," you respond, "so I went downstairs to get some water." you let your hands trail from his face to his shoulders, gently resting your hands on them. "I'm sorry if i worried you."

"I-" kunikuzushi whispers, "no, it's fine. 'm just glad you're here." his arms tighten around you, "can we go back to bed, please..."

you press a kiss to his hairline, closing your eyes and leaning into him, "of course, darling." he leans off you and grabs your hand, slowly leading you towards the shared bed.

you push the blankets to the side, giving space for your lover to lie. you lay beside him, letting his arms wrap around you once more. "I love you, kuni," you mumble.

kunikuzushi rests his forehead against yours, letting you gaze into his stark blue eyes. he smiles.

"I love you too. [name]."

© kainyte do not repost, copy, edit or translate