keepitintime

[keepitintime]

i am the fastest draw in the wild west

they count down from ten

i pull my gun

i shoot

there is a bang, then silence

my opponent stands unharmed and confused

i have hit my foot

it takes .02 seconds

the crowd cheers behind me as i slowly bleed out

[keepitintime]

i relate to the diary of horace wimp on a personal level because i, too, want a wife

[keepitintime]

current mood: wishing I had enough confidence to rock my desired aesthetic

[keepitintime]

Infomercials are weird it’s either you’ve memorized it or you saw it once and are 98% sure it was a dream

[keepitintime]

It’s so weird how many verbs we get just by adding ed to different body parts the english language man

[keepitintime]

Me, as a freshman: why does everyone hate freshmen so much???

Me, my first day of sophomore year: oh

[keepitintime]

“There are many things I’m willing to share, but my bed is not one of them” sounds really profound until I remember that I yelled it at a bug on my pillow at three in the morning

[keepitintime]

"Knock the sucker out"

—friends don't let friends drive drunk

[keepitintime]

You: so what's your favorite band

Me: oh, BoC

You: what's that stand for

Me: I don't know actually lol

Me, internally: I never want to utter the phrase "Bump of Chicken" aloud in my entire life

[keepitintime]

Jaws: *was a scary movie about a man hunting shark*

People: sharks are scary! and terrible!

In the heart of the sea: *was a scary movie about a man hunting whale*

People:

Me:

People:

Me:

Me: but

[keepitintime]

update: i have tried and failed to snap frozen butter

and now my hands are buttery

I heard a kid say “snap like butter” in reference to girls’ bones today but like…. have you ever actually felt butter cause that shit does not snap

[keepitintime]

i don’t know lemme try

I heard a kid say “snap like butter” in reference to girls’ bones today but like…. have you ever actually felt butter cause that shit does not snap

[keepitintime]

My mom: stop pacing so much, go outside, take a walk!

Me: but pacing is wa-

My mom: why do you spend so much time on fanfiction? why don't you read a book or something

Me: i mean actually a lot of fanfi-

My mom: you always wear your hair in a ponytail, do something else with it, try tying it up

Me: *looks at the camera the office style*

[keepitintime]

[keepitintime]

You: you've got something on your shirt

Me, obsessively wiping at whatever it is: I don't really care thanks though

[keepitintime]

Can white people stop rolling up random food and calling it sushi?????

[keepitintime]

I heard a kid say "snap like butter" in reference to girls' bones today but like.... have you ever actually felt butter cause that shit does not snap