kendraeagerstarborn

[kendraeagerstarborn]

Kendra Eager ‘s #MeToo Stories Post 1 of 4

These are My #metoo stories. 8 years in 4 posts. I’m writing these now because staying silent for so many years has been a cancer of the soul rotting away at me and I can’t continue to allow other people’s actions to poison me. And I hope in my speaking out that I can share some of what I wish I knew to do so you don’t have to go through what I did. And so you can fight-for your body and for your rights. No one deserves to be sexually abused, EVER.

Backstory

I need to start with my story because it explains why I’ve waited this long to talk about my metoo stories. I was going to do this in video format but couldn’t get the words out as well so thought it’d be more clear written out.

I’m 35, I was born in Fort Worth Texas🤠 but was adopted by white upperclass catholic parents from chappaqua NY so basically I grew up in this protected bubble that floated above the area snubbing its suds at it. I couldn’t tell if anyone else noticed that we weren’t living in the real world or just preffered it that way . For schools I attended : unwillingly, a catholic girls middle school����, then happily-Horace Greeley High School 😎in my town.

My adoptive parents were abusive in their own ways. I’d start by saying something nice but all I can remember about childhood is that I was convinced I was truly alone in this world or maybe I was in a hell disguised as Earth because of past lives’ karma👺. 👨🏼‍💼🍻My dad tho never really home was regularly drunk and physically abusive. 🥊👊☝️🙏But he went to church everyday and swore that if he didn’t work on Wall Street he’d be a priest and by that logic I think, maybe felt he was atoning for his sins. And maybe that’s why he has never once admitted to any of the regularly given beatings or occasional death threats given to me and my middle brother (only other child adopted out of the 3 of us kids) I growing up, none of which stopped until I was about 20 and finally fought back.

My mom, on the other hand, used 🌬words as her weapon of choice ⚔️. And as a selfish narcissistic passive aggressive anorexic obsessed with control she was heavily armed. To the point where I’m still not sure if she’s a sociopath & an unending quest to understand her motives and why every action she takes is to make my life worse. By age 10 or so she told me she wished she never adopted me and that I was a mistake. 🙇🏼‍♀️I guess I was a bad investment....Maybe that’s why she was never really home either, although I have no idea where she went with no job, but she was always leaving me to parent my two younger brothers for up to a few days at a time. 🏃🏼‍♀️That same flight reaction would happen the nights when my dad came home wasted to kick in my bedroom door & beat on me. She never threatened him with the police until I was 16, when I stupidly called him an alcoholic in front of her and my middle brother, then 13, and as my dad ran upstairs telling me I was dead and tried to strangle me my brother stepped in and threw him off me, he fell down the 4 stairs to the landing and for the first time, I saw him back down possibly realizing he didn’t have this one, and as my brother and I ran into the closest bedroom, to barricade the door and set up our pillow fort for safety we looked at each other in shock hearing her say I’m calling the police if you don’t get out. So he did. Then soon after, she left too without ever picking up the phone. I read the definition of gaslighting the other day and have never seen anything so fitting in describing her. Which may be why she’s never admitted to any of this even when I got older & begged her to in a desperate attempt to validate my reality, something which only added to the shadow of lies that fell around our home. A home where no friends were allowed over, a rule my mom made to protect my dad’s reputation, which I came to learn was more important than her three children’s safety. 🚫🗣🆘👮🏻‍♂️📴❌ ➡️ ⛓🏠🔗

Suffice to say, there were no 🕊birds & bees 🐝talks growing up. The closest I ever got to that was when my mom barged in on a 12 year old me changing my pad six months in to getting my period,🔴upon seeing I was “a woman” told me to be careful cuz that much blood meant I was a “ fertile Myrtle & much more likely to get pregnant”. (We weren’t allowed to have locks on our doors.)🔓

I lived in a constant state of fear and situational depression putting all my energy into pretending I was okay and making sure that mask stayed on. I knew what was happening at home was fucked up but I knew I didn’t have any other options that included my brothers staying with me so I kept going. Plus I was reassured that telling meant it’d be worse for everyone. I thought about running away & I thought about killing myself but I couldn’t follow through with either because I had to be there for my brothers, to raise them and to protect them from my parents. So I escaped into books 📚 hoping to one day find the 🖼painting or rabbit hole 🕳 that’d take me to one of my much loved fantasy worlds.

When I was a junior in high school I met my first love, a sophomore swim team kid wearing a white UVM hat with a phish patch sewn on, he was tall, had dark hair and definitely was handsome. So we dated for months and tho we did get to three of the bases , especially parked at the arboretum, waited on having sex. For me, I was scared due to ignorance on the subject knowing nothing but how to put a condom on a banana 🍌 from HS sex Ed and that I was “a fertile Myrtle”. Plus I wanted to wait for true love, something which my friends thought was hysterical but also seemed to piss them off cuz I was the last virgin left out of the 12 of us-not cool for kids known as the cool kids.

At the end of junior year I was deeply in love 😍and stupidly believed love meant trust. My boyfriend had slipped up early on and told his friends about something we did and I was made fun of for weeks after but he saw how much it hurt me and I thought, how disrespectful his friends were with me afterwards, and said he’d keep what we did to himself.

So I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood and got birth control. This was 1999 and the internet was barely around but luckily I was able to find them. A very nice doctor treated me for free and helped me with how to use it. I felt prepared but I didn’t realize what it would do to my hormones, my weight shifted around -mainly to my stomach and boobs, and my moods went from calm to emotional bitchfits without warning. I think the fear of having sex was being magnified by my hormones but I wanted to fit in and I was probably equally scared of not doing it, convinced I’d

never find love in a relationship again and stuck having to lose my virginity like how my friends had, In backseats of cars in drunken stupors with random older guys. No judgement there but I knew I couldn’t handle that. I had very low self esteem and very little love for my self and I was terrified my boyfriend would realize I wasn’t worth his time at any moment so I went over to his house one night condoms and birth control in my purse bottle of jack in hand and I convinced him we were ready. It took him two shots to agree, not because he was a lightweight, I think he was as scared as I was. So we went upstairs, put Phish’s Farmhouse cd on and we had sex for the first time listening to “wading in the velvet sea” There were only three more times in the weeks afterwards before I had pushed him far enough away to break up with him. Not because I didn’t love him. Because I loved him so much it terrified me and I didn’t know how to handle those feelings. We got back together and broke up again many times over the next year for the same reasons until finally ending it when I was finishing senior year and preparing to leave for college.

In 2001, the summer after I graduated, my best friend and her older brother had a house party to celebrate. This was my second home from age 7 on and somewhere I considered safer than my own home. And the partygoers were my closest friends and people I had grown up with. I remember wearing jeans 👖 with a purple tank top and hoody zipped over.

I remember playing my favorite game , 🏓🍺beer pong, and winning, and that my best friends brothers friend, Rob, came over to the table to play me. He was the homecoming king and football team captain for the year ahead of me so definitely a good looking guy but he was currently dating a girl that I looked up to and respected (& also thought was model level beautiful). So I was surprised when he started flirting with me during our game. After a few rounds of pong, I had reached my shitty beer limit and got that I’m going to puke feeling. So I headed upstairs from the basement partygoers to get to the bathroom before anything came out. I got to the top of the stairs and realized Rob was right behind me so I went to sit down in the kitchen too embarrassed to tell him I was going to be sick. I don’t know how this topic came up but he started telling me how my ex & him used to talk on the bus to swim meets & how he had “told him about me” (Which I took to imply he knew I wasn’t a virgin). All of which made me feel sicker so I told him I was nauseous 🤢and needed to go puke 🤮 in hopes that would gross him out enough to back off. Though I had found him attractive in the past I was not a home-wrecker and I also wasn’t interested. I knew he and his friends were into girls that gave it up and that was not me. Plus I was so pissed at my ex for telling people about us that I couldn’t think about anything other than that.

So I headed off to the bathroom & went to close the door but Rob was already in the doorway coming in behind me and locked the door behind us. He offered to help me throw up and told me if I stuck a finger down my throat it’d come out faster. Or he could do it for me. 🚽Preferring the first option I tried head over bowl but nothing really came out. I think my body was already going into fight or flight mode and shutting down for flight while my head was still confused over what was happening cuz I had that gut feeling that this was a bad situation but had not yet learned to trust my gut.

He carried/pulled me into the den and started kissing me but I kept pushing him off hoping someone would come upstairs. After a few minutes of this, & realizing no one was coming, I pushed him off harder and got up to leave. This is where my memory gaps for a moment I don’t know why but all I know is that my next memory is him pulling me into the outdoors garage and pulling the garage door closed. And I started yelling for help. He pushed into me and pushed us up against the garage wall and started ripping my clothes off, tank top then my favorite white Calvin Klein bra. I kept saying no & that I didn’t want this but he didn’t listen, the more I yelled the more aggressive he got and shoved me on the concrete floor pulled my pants off and raped me while on top of me holding my arms down to stop me from scratching at him and trying to hurt him enough to get him off of me. I think I started going into shock because I don’t remember putting my clothes back on. I do remember he told me I had to drive him home because he couldn’t and to this day I don’t know why I agreed but I did. Maybe out of fear or just to get him somewhere away from me I don’t know but I’m shocked we didn’t crash. I was in a daze, shocked and hurting and still way too drunk to be driving. I hate myself the most for agreeing to drive him, it felt like way too normal of a thing to do after what had just happened. But maybe that’s why he told me to do that. We didn’t talk. He did remind me that he had a good thing going with his girlfriend like I gave a shit but that was it. Getting back to my house is a blur the only thing I remember was putting my bra -white cotton with “ Calvin Klein” written around the band -on top of my lingerie drawer with the ripped off clasp in hopes my detective level snoop of a mom would notice it and ask me about it.

It sat there for years a constant reminder and a desperate hope with nothing said until my mom told me to throw it out one day and my heart broke a little. I wanted to report what happened but I didn’t know the process and all I had was my word against his and I thought no one would believe me. In my mind, I saw a judge asking why a good looking guy with a girlfriend would need to force sex to get some and it was a question I couldn’t answer either. I didn’t know sex and rape were two different things based on two different needs, one intimacy, the other power & control over the victim. We didn’t learn that in school but we should have. I didn’t know what rape kits were let alone that I should’ve gone straight to whichever local hospital offered them. We should have learned that too. I didn’t know there was a national hotline to call ,

RAINN,

or local ones, through the National Sexual Violence Resource Centers’ directory -

https://www.nsvrc.org/organizations

I didn’t know any of that and I was scared that none of my friends would believe me cuz we had the same circle of friends and that people would hate me for what they’d see as a false accusation. I tried telling my best friend, next door neighbor who I knew from 5years old and had a different circle of friends and she told me I was being ridiculous and dramatic and that it didn’t happen. And before I knew it, word got out that Rob and I had “hooked up”, something I’m sure he told people to cover his ass so there would be no question of consent. When my friend from soccer team first brought it up to congratulate me I started arguing that was not a hook up that he had taken advantage of me being drunk and alone but I saw the look in her face go from impressed to freaked out n disgusted with me and I don’t know why but I just said to forget it and left it at that.

I tried convincing myself it was only a nightmare and I stayed in a state of shock so long that it almost felt true after awhile. I knew I had no witnesses or evidence. I knew if I kept saying it aloud it meant it really happened and I couldn’t handle that. I felt weak and alone. I had grown up in a home that had taught me to bottle up my emotions and never speak your truth so that is what I did. There was a cultural stigma at the time that if a woman was drunk she was to blame for whatever happened to her so that was also a reason I never spoke out, however wrong it may be, and I hate that it influenced me.

After awhile I started believing I live in a world where the only justice we make is our own. and I convinced myself that if I ran into him again I’d make him pay for what he did to me.

But I did run into him again over the years. and I didn’t do anything and for that I feel the most shame. The last time I saw him was probably ten years ago, my dad and I were going out to eat, sat down at a booth, and I saw him waiting tables. I picked up my butter knife and started shaking outta fear and also rage and I really was considering stabbing him before my dad asked me what was wrong with me and I folded, started crying and asked to leave. We drove off and I remember wanting my dad to ask me what happened, I wanted him to protect me and go and kill this guy for me but he didn’t ask. All he said was “ whatever happened it’s not worth you going to jail for. “

I still can’t believe I live in a country where a woman has no real rights. Where reporting gets ignored, cases dropped because the offending rich kid has a good lawyer, where not every state allows abortions, and high schools don’t educate kids on sex or rape and how to protect themselves , where Plan B isn’t readily available. And where my dad was right that if I got my justice and hurt the man that raped me I’d go to jail while he walked free. All of that is why I’m finally speaking out -my silence that I thought was protecting me has only helped the men who have attacked and assaulted me remain free-physically free and conscience clear -and I will not give them that peace anymore.

This is the first story of nine, and I’ll be posting each story in 4 posts and also links with resources for survivors

[kendraeagerstarborn]

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[kendraeagerstarborn]

Kendra Eager ‘s MeToo Stories Post #2 of 4

☆✸☆Quick FYI✪★✪ I believe rape and sex are two very different acts never to be confused but after lookin into the US governments legal terminology regarding both assault & consent I found tons of confusion around that in ways that create legal loopholes that can act to free guilty men and steal a survivors justice So I’m also posting a self.com article- about legally what is (and isn’t )sexual sssault /along with definitions of intimacy and also sexual assault & sexual harassment in case anyone’s still confused (Which should be impossible but I guess we don’t live in a world of “shoulds”!)/ I also added the Department Of Justice’s Sexual Violemce Prevention Program’s definition of what constitutes consent from their NY site/ along with the changes I think Need to be made to the definition to tighten it up so nothings lost in translation .. or loopholes...✪

✫✱My #metoo stories continued ✱✫

Although I never talked about what Rob Child did to me, apparently he did and even had the balls to call what he did to me sex.

{{{Rob is the one in the grey tee shirt in the picture above}}}

2001:

So this (false) reputation followed me from New York to Boston where I went to college. I wasn’t even aware of it until the older popular guys from high school kept inviting me to their parties at Berkeley school of music. I stupidly thought it was cuz we were all buddies and grew up together until I started realizing these guys were pressuring me to be somebody I wasn’t. I was terrible at standing up for myself & setting limits so I routinely used alcohol as a liquid courage bandaid. I didn’t understand how alcohol could be a depressant when I was happy or blacked out while drinking and I didn’t want to accept that the hangovers puking and overall shitty feeling that came each morning were a direct result of that. I needed it too badly to coverup all my insecurities and feel like I fit in.

I was at a small party one night over at Berkeley school of music apartments with high school friends and this guy that I had a huge crush on in High school was there, he was two years older, supertall, one of the cool kids from his class and a musician. Me and him were flirting throughout a game of truth or dare Jenga but in what I thought was a fun casual type of way. I remember daring my friend to kiss one of my guy friends (who’s apartment we were at) mainly so she’d dare me to kiss this guy. So she did. Then we did. And that’s where I would’ve ended it but I blacked out right around then.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a strange bed with daylight coming past the curtains and seeing that I was naked and so was the musician crush. I got dressed and ran out without saying anything. I don’t know what happened that night, What I do remember is hurting vaginally, the shame I felt in both blacking out and possibly going against my morals in having casual sex, and the fear that something may have happened without my consent-all of which made worse by not having any answers.

At my first BU party, the frat we went to was serving their special punch and I remember this girl grabbing my cup and dumping it because the guys put “lemons” in it which was some Valium-roofie (Rohypnol) combo they were known for. I was so disgusted by the idea of guys doing that to women that I couldn’t believe it was true. My idealistic worldview has always kept me from accepting that other people may not share my values, dangerous in this case, and also makes me want to believe that all people should treat each other with love and compassion. It’s taken me many years to accept that my expectations of people are inversely proportional to my serenity, ie-it’s not realistic to think that way.

Sophomore year, as was tradition, 7 of my friends and I moved to an off campus house. There were a lotta parties and a lotta drama (8 women in one house) but we managed pretty well and stayed close. One night this guy walked in carrying/holding up my 5’9” roommate “C” who couldn’t walk on her own or even really open her eyes. He was clearly not expecting anyone to be home. And “C” was clearly not just drunk or high, she was definitely drugged. He started pulling her up the stairs but I jumped up, got a hold of “C” and told him I was calling the police and to get the hell out and stay out.

I don’t know if seeing other people scared him or the threat of the cops but he did leave. I carried “C” upstairs and, got her into a cold shower to see if that would wake her up outta the coma like daze she was in but it barely helped so I called 9-1-1 and paramedics came (no cops tho) & ,they said she got drugged, and that they couldn’t do much without bringing her to the ER which she declined when she momentarily kinda came to , so they said it had to run it’s course if she wanted to stay home but she needed someone watching her overnight. So we all took turns staying with her and by the front door and at one point later on the guy did come back but at that point I had a kitchen knife and told him through the locked door it’d be me and him not the police if I ever saw him around my friend again. She didn’t remember anything the next morning, but was sick for a few days after and skipped classes. I just remember how her skin was this alien looking pale green and the shock and anger I felt that someone tried to take advantage of this sweet Minnesota girl.

The following semester I woke up to hear screaming outside my window but once we all went outside there was only police who informed us someone was raped in our backyard. A few weeks later a couple got axe murdered by a crazed ex down the block from our Boston house. Around this time I bought a switchblade to carry in my purse. I would’ve got mace or pepper spray but had heard it doesn’t work on drunk men. Not sure if that’s true or an urban legend

I moved into my own place junior year, on the same block as the frat that made me an honorary member since I had dated one of their brothers sophomore year, was in their sister sorority and cuz I partied as hard as they did. To explain-the sorority thing was a requirement set by my mother in paying for school , personally I thought it was cheesy. But with my frat bros I felt like I had a family, I made all our party mixes & pot brownies, stayed reigning keg stand queen 👑 and beer pong tourney champ, and got invited to everything including post hazing stripper parties. I was at a point in my life where I saw myself as a guys girl and just felt more comfortable with male friends . Maybe some of it was growing up with two brothers. But I think a lot of it had to do with starting to accept that I was bisexual and so felt more comfortable discussing that with the guys. All of whom had always treated me with respect

and dignity.

At this rush party there in the fall of my junior year one of the recruits asked me to smoke a bowl with him so we went up to the roof’s blackout room (ie-the party room, lit only with black lights and glow stars all over the tapestried walls) and lit up. He was sitting on of the 3 futons by the door and I was on the next over in the middle of the room. He and I didn’t know each other all that well but he knew that I was a member and his friends ex and saw how everyone else treated me so I assumed he got that I wasn’t there to be somebodys hookup. Wrongly assumed. He came over to my futon and I moved to the one by the door and beyond the exceedingly strange vibe I was getting from him, I also got that gut feeling like I had had with Rob that told me to leave, but before I could he had unbuckled his belt & got up and and pushed me down and got on top of me, putting his hands everywhere while grinding himself onto me. I was disgusted & not into him and kept telling him that while trying to push him off but he was a wrestler so it was hard to get away from him. I tried yelling for help but the egg crates lining the walls must’ve muted my screaming. I momentarily panicked with the looming threat of getting raped again and realized I had to get outta this situation no matter what. So I fought dirty. I bit him, sunk my nails into him n pinched as hard as I could and when he drew back in shock and anger I squirmed my body out from under his and rolled onto the floor, got up quick as he did and put all my energy into pushing him back onto the futon so he’d lose his balance and I could get to the door and outta there. Which I did. My pride told me to go back and try to beat him up since he deserved it but luckily logic took over and I kept running til I got down the two flights of stairs to my friends. I fell on the last step landing on my ass by my friend “A” and started crying and told him his POS recruit just attacked me and tried to force himself onto me and that I fought him off to get away The response I got scared me as much as what had just happened. Just a blank look with either disbelief or didn’t care, I’m not sure but it was not what I expected. I thought him and the rest of my boys would go up and beat the shit outta him and throw him out for disrespecting their honorary member. Because that’s what I thought should happen. But none of that actually happened.

“A” awkwardly walked off so I got up, straightened myself up, found a few of my frat friends that I knew liked to fight and told them a briefer version of what had happened. All I got was told to stop being hysterical, calm it down and go have a drink. So I went home instead.

And I sat up with the realization that it wasn’t that no one would believe me, like I had thought with Rob, it was that no one cared and that hurt a lot more. At least in terms of my frat family who, in my eyes, had just chose a rapist recruit over me, their sister. And I started realizing how prevalent these attacks were both in my life and in those around me and the prevalence of women being sexualized & objectified in our society. And the prevailing patriarchal cultural stigmas that somehow work to rationalize mens barbaric behavior but turn women away in shame alone & against each other no longer able to see each other as sisters in a struggle for protection and support.

Before this I had never put much thought beyond disgust into the🚧 👷🏻catcalls 👨‍🚒since age 12, or the strangers 🚗 🙋🏻‍♂️ 🙆🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️that’d pull their cars off the road to tell me to get in 🚘(which I never did), or the random ass grabs I got from🚶🏼‍♀️🤚🏃🏻strangers while walking around New York City🗽. I wasn’t scared of the crazy homeless drunk who pushed a shopping cart 🛒🌭 🚶🏽 with his exposed penis in the top basket of the cart around my Boston neighborhood🏟, & I wasn’t threatened by my dad’s WASPy white collar 👔👨🏼‍💼golf ⛳️ buddies 👨🏻‍💼that’d make passes at me while drunk or show up at his job when they knew I was the only one working.🏫

Before this point, I was never threatened by any of that because I had learned ways of dealing with each.The catcalls and leery drivers I just told the losers to fuck off. Then to stop the ass grabbing, I’d wear a messenger bag across my butt to hide it and kept my hand on it to 1- not get robbed & 2- push off any stray hands. The drunk exposer I crossed the road for cuz I had no idea what was going on in that mind. My dad’s buddies I ignored, except for 1 that closely resembles George Clooney, him I flirted back a little with but never acted on anything. And when his wife, partner to my moms yearlong jewelry business, would make fun of me or snub her nose at me, I’d just remind myself that her husband would be with hanging with me if I ever used the cell phone number he gave me

What I’m getting at is that I had compartmentalized each individual type of experience to the point where they no longer connected so that I wasn’t surrounded by a constant unavoidable web of sexual harassment but after getting raped then going through someone else assaulting me and seeing it happen around me and people’s reactions towards it all these little pieces started crashing in around me til I had to look at the big picture of this ugly world we live in.

And that is where my idealistic worldview died. (And a big part of me with it). And not like in the way that children becoming adults have to drop their innocent naivety to see a larger worldview cuz I had already gone through that about ten years earlier when I had to learn to parent both my parents and my brothers.

This was more like everything split from 🌈occasional rainbows to only 🖤 black and white ☠️.

That this unfair world where I already got the short end of the stick from birth on was only comprised of givers and takers and that the takers far outnumbered the givers and no one gave a shit about what anyone took from anyone if it didn’t directly affect them cuz that’s how people got what they wanted. By taking advantage of the doormats of the world like me.

Knowing I was a giver already only made it worse cuz I knew I couldn’t become a taker. I had tried that path in my teens & still felt tremendous shame over my past shoplifting (although only from corporations that budgeted for it) even though it was done in desperation and as a last option. I worked from age 12 on, in a town of 16 year old trustafarians driving Audi’s tho never worked a day in their lives, and I was proud of my work ethic knowing it’d serve me far better in the real world once I got there. But I had a mom that was constantly finding wherever I hid my money and then left still unpaid IOU notes and my dad only gave his money to her (I’m hoping it was in order to give to us kids too but I’ll never know). So when Id go to pay for our dinner or get groceries when neither of them were home sometimes I was short and had to pocket certain items instead. Same for when I grew outta clothes tho I did try working at several retail stores for the discounts before realizing there was no amount of discount a Westchester store could give to make their clothes affordable. But I had already given up that area of “ taking”and found an alternate way to exist by “ Keeping” by means of not eating-that way I was able to save money both on food and clothes by fitting into all my old clothes (I’m 35 now and most of my clothes are still from high school 20 years ago, and funnily enough, coming back into style ).

Point is, I had the excuses and ability to become one of this worlds takers but took extreme measures to find alternate paths to stay on the giving side and stay true to myself.

Soon After that I made two decisions .

1- I decided to leave school after this semester to travel somewhere far off where so could find myself and my center . I had lost focus, everything else was starting to feel pointless. cuz my grades were starting to drop and I didn’t have a major, again , having declared 4 already, each of which my mom vetoed giving reasons as to why I’d be horrible at whichever career path itd lead to. Then told since it was a waste of her money I had to find a different on of her choice.

I was only just starting to understand that this was my mother’s method of life crushing control like a carrot dangling promising approval & maybe even Love if you do this right or when you make this change but once the change happened the carrot moved to a new direction. & somehow I always ended up hating myself and not her for following her directives. Not that I had a choice but cuz I knew whatever I did it wouldn’t be good enough or make me skinny or pretty enough for her to love me but I still did it and I still got my hopes up every time.like a jackass really. I still try

2-I decided to be more careful with my life & who & what I allowed in it . Careful in who I was friends with careful in the amount of alcohol and drugs I used, and careful about who I flirted with. And careful to never be alone with anyone I didn’t trust.

The hardest one to admit to myself was that I had to be more careful with my body in terms of STDs and pregnancies because I didn’t want to think of myself that way or think about the encounters that could’ve resulted in either. I didn’t want to feel the shame from the memory of when my mother found my birth control senior year of high school &.told me I was a whore, that I disgusted her, and wasn’gt allowed to take it anymore.even after I told her I used it only to clear my acne.That unwillingness to admit it made me wait to go back on birth control for much longer than I should have as someone who was.sexually active.

Luckily Boston has a nearby Planned Parenthood with a very friendly and helpful staff who helped me find the best birth control for someone as forgetful as I was-the patch -so I didn’t have to remember to take something daily. I ended up volunteering there for awhile to support all the lifesaving work they do. I had also volunteered at the local NY PP in high school & was able to help often scared or tearful brave girls & women make it inside safely from their cars or bus stops past angry ignorant picket line small minded morons promoting a cause only cuz they were told to without understanding what having a choice really means. And not knowing what our world would look like without one, especially on a macro scale.

So Just to quickly change my selfie lens perspective to a more macro worldview & go over what being a woman in electio n season 2018 America means right now I think itll also explain who I am better and how what’s happened to me influences my political view & vote which is why I’m adding my thoughts on this in the middle of my metoo stories-

The one thing that women can do and men cannot do reproductively is create life. And men envy andcovet that power simply because it is a power and simply because our patriarchal society cannot handle the idea of women having any power whatsoever & that is why the patriarchs, popes priests &presidents of our world all promote PRO life because it means ANTIchoice for the women they control through religion or law. They have & still are are literally attempting to take over the rights to all of those women’s bodies, determining who gets pregnant and when. And it’s not only for control and power, it’s also to build their own personal power through the masses -just look at the Catholic Church -no abortions means more Catholics which means more followers which means more money. They’re playing a long game yes but it’s been working for them. Countries do it too. Look at China. They don’t have money,-they’re a third world country but they literally have man power built on birthing regulations which has allowed them to catch up with us on an academic level and in terms of world power. And now that they’re overpopulated again, they tax those who have more than 1 or 2 Kids thus still benefiting economically and they accomplish this by not allowing access to birth control or abortions. India’s pro life but only pro men’s life -they literally in this day and age still toss baby girls off cliffs. It’s not just a crazy urban myth. And it just goes to show how men are valued higher than women. I mean, families pay men , via a dowry , to take their daughters from them. Americans used to do that too Luckily for my generation, we grew up with Roe V Wade America. With Roe v wade being the driving force behind the womens rights movement based on the same basic truth. Our rights to our own body should be obvious to even a Neanderthal of a man. It sounds obvious right? My body is my own. I own my body. But that’s why no one phrases it like that. Politics is built on linguistics, like how to say something really fucked up in a positive progaganda sounding way. For example- they don’t want to say The government owns your body. So instead they say Pro life.& then hope no one thinks about the speech writers intent behind his words or the impact it’ll have & hope people ike the picket linersll blindly support it

I’m writing about this in the wake of the Kavanaugh case because now Trump has given the conservatives the majority vote in the Supreme Court. Which means they can TRY to overturn Roe V Wade & that terrifies me. I’m scared this PIECE of Shit full of shit misogynist tax fraudng “grab em by their ass “ or we got elected as this country’s President. What scares me possibly more is how that reflects on our country’s collective conscious and also what it teaches our youth-that those values can win. That it’s okay to say lie after lie but accuse all your opponents of making up fake truths/ news, you can grab women’s butts, Be an overall shitty person and still get to be really rich And have your own show on tv AND be the president of the United States! -is this our new American Dream? Is this what money power and fame amount to? A freaky eyed toupee wearing orange twitt-iot ?If so-I’m out. I’ll be an expat in Mexico. Trump nominated Kavanaugh because he’s conservative and because he wants to overturn Roe V Wade and take away all women’s rights to choose. So now there’s actually an “HONORABLE judge” Rapist Kavanaugh as 1 of the 9 Supreme Court (lifetime seated )judges. And now I’m Worried that my generation along with all generations of women will have our right to choose taken away from us.US that must be all of US WOMEN because we are all humans, we are all sisters & we’re stronger together, can speak out louder together and have our voices heard, ,, be stronger standing together, with nothing standing between any of us , we can stand up for each other.., & so. if we vote for all of us we can keep our rights to our own bodies and keep our sisters safer,,If someone rapes one of us, without the right to choose-the right to a safe abortion, we’d be having that child. A lifelong reminder of the one of the worst traumas anyone can endure to take care of and raise? It sounds extreme but it’s ridiculously simple -you can either choose to vote, and then vote for the people that will support women as equals or you can vote for people like trump (or sit out but still be supporting him) who are working to rewind time back to 1950’s America and keep women caged in the home as housewives with no access to birth control popping out babies so unable to work and completely ignored legally if raped and could be killed during an illegal clotheshamger abortion? All of which starts with 1 single domino -the Roe V Wade case- & it.determines our lives and our very freedom as a woman.

If you’ve enjoyed your freedom over the last few decades & forgotten what the alternative looks like, ask your mom or grandma what her world looked like growing up or what her options were after high school or what her parents expectations of her was, I say Was not were cuz it -Was only to be a childbearing happy housewife That’s not my path, and I’m not letting old men grimy politicians make that decision for me, even if that’s what I somehow wanted.its not tho.

[kendraeagerstarborn]

Kendra Eager ‘s MeToo Stories Post #3 of 4

Right before leaving BU permanently, one of my childhood best friends came to visit, im only going to call him “R”. We grew up together, went on vacations together, our entire family are friends and even spent Christmas’s together. His dad is the one who gave me his cell number and looks like George Clooney, Rs cute too but I never saw him as more than a brother-figure so we had never hooked up.

Which is also why it seemed natural for him to stay in my bed. (& cuz it was the only place to sleep in my apartment). So that night we went to bed, but when I opened my eyes in the early AM I was shocked to feel R pressed up against me and hands moving around my body. I didn’t know what to do. I was shocked and it felt so awkward to say anything about what was happening and I thought maybe he’d quit if I moved away from him. So I moved and waited for R to come to his senses. I waited while he groped my beasts, and pushed his groin against my back. I stayed frozen silent & scared trying to think of something to say or do while he moved his hands from my chest down my stomach and started pulling down my underwear. He started to put his fingers in me so I rolled over onto my stomach thinking he wouldn’t be able to get to me that way and perhaps realize that what he was doing wasn’t worth our friendship if I “woke up” . He eventually quit, and took his hands outta my pants and went back to bed but I stayed up. He never said anything. And neither did I. and my already low self esteem suffered for it. Especially when I saw him afterwards, which was less often, only at family events, I was hurt that he chose violating my body over a lifelong friendship with me.

Looking back on it, I wish I had pushed him off the moment I felt him on me and yelled at him for violating our friendship and my body and my trust. And I should have kicked him out, especially cuz he could’ve raped me. I don’t blame myself for giving him the wrong idea or anything obviously since I was Asleep but I do feel ashamed of myself for not standing up for myself. Especially to a friend which shouldve made it easier.

That spring I left to travel around Asia. I started in Nepal went to Tibet than China. In China I found

the culture around women disgusting -I cannot begin to count how many times I had to knock men’s hands off my ass and even chest, even wearing baggy clothes and a bag covering my back. It was crazy to see how surprised they’d get that I defended myself, like they were entitled to what they were doing. That in mind, I travelled to Darjeeling, India where the group leader/translator told us to not go out after sunset because it wasn’t safe for women. But one night I got caught out at sunset in town alone waiting to meet up with one of the people I was traveling with. I saw it was getting dark, remembered the warning we got, though I ignorantly didn’t think it could be that serious, so I started heading back with my flashlight on to the family I was doing a home stay with about a half mile away. On the main road back, five Indian kids , only probably 14-15 years old, came outta nowhere walking behind me, and I had that sick knot in my stomach gut feeling and this time I trusted it. I saw them pointing at me, and then I saw they had knives so I ran. And they ran after me. I yelled for help while I ran hoping to scare them off or that someone would help me out but no one was interested in a helping a woman there so I luckily made it back and inside my home stay before them. I looked out the window to see them wandering off afterwards. And I didn’t go outside alone after dark again.

A few years later while I was finishing school at SUNY-Purchase and living in Pleasantville New York my friend and I found ourselves in a really bad situation. We were out dancing at one of our favorite NYC bars on the lower west side but it was dead so she got in touch with an outta-home based tattoo artist friend in brooklyn who said he was having people over and would hook us up with tattoos. So we drove over to his house, walked in the front door, and quickly got shuffled into the first room and told that this grown ass mans mother was actually also living there and that we had to be really quiet. The whole thing was suspect from the mom to the being quiet to there not being a party at all and only two guys there with the two of us and I felt incredibly uncomfortable from the minute we walked in. The promise of tattoos and the fact that my friend was into the artist was barely keeping me there especially as the night went on and it got clearer that we weren’t getting tattooed. It was only the four of us in a tiny bedroom with a twin bed where the tattoo guy and my girlfriend sat and we were all talking, The two guys were getting high but I stayed sober due to long & unfamiliar drive back. [Otherwise I probably would’ve cuz at that point in my life, getting high to the point of feeling numb was a daily priority and my only coping mechanism to keep the constant memories of my past from coming into my conscious mind and the thoughts of suicide on hold. ] so a few hours of uncomfortable awkward conversation passed and the crush went out to get us drinks. While he was out, his super creepy and way older friend stood up and went to stand over by my friend. Something felt weird about the way he was standing directly in front of her like looming over her and the way he was treating her and I didn’t like how he was talking to her either. I had been carrying a switchblade knife in my purse or pocket for years now as a means of self defense and I grabbed it outta instinct. My friend had one as well but her purse was outta reach. I forget what he was saying to her exactly, something like me and you right here right now type bs and she leaned over past him to look at me and mouthed “help me”. Still unsure of what to do I was sitting down, and I told him he should sit back down. But instead he started leaning into her on the bed and this six foot plus guy was surrounding my five foot nothing friend. he got on top of her on the bed pushing himself on her and I got up, switched the knife’s blade out, and in a wave of adrenaline & instinct got directly behind him so he couldn’t reach me and put the tip of the knife into his shirt enough so he knew I had it, and told him “I will make you bleed if you don’t back the fuck off of my friend, so don’t test me. What you’re going to do is stand up slowly and go back over to your chair and we’re going to leave now “.

It’s not in my personality typically to do or say anything like that but I think knowing what could’ve happened made me able to protect my friend. And she thanked me after and said how she couldn’t get to her own knife so she was glad I had mine. It sounds intense to carry a knife saying it now and I hate that this is how it is but it’s something all girls should do to protect themselves. When someone’s a foot taller than you or has a hundred or more pounds on you it’s one of the only effective weapons a woman has to defend herself, the only other being a gun, because there’s no such thing as a fair fight if it’s a man against a woman. So at least this helps to equal it out.

That same girlfriend, “T”, and I hung out a lot after and a year later, one night while staying over at her and her boyfriend “J”’s apartment,her and him got into this crazy fight over I don’t know what and she walked out the door. Knowing her drama queen style I figured she’d be back after cooling off and her boyfriend and I were relatively close, since we all hung out a lot together, so I stayed to play or video games. After awhile & a lotta unanswered calls I got worried she wasn’t coming back and if it was even appropriate for me to stay without her being there. J kept reassuring me that she’d be back and wouldn’t care so I kept drinking and he kept giving me pills while we played Grand Theft Auto. A few hours passed and it got to where I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so J asked me to just stay over, and said we should go to bed. They lived in a one bedroom and had a huge king size bed that I’d sleep in with them when there, on T’s side on the far edge. Now, J had always gone out of his way to be nice to me and make me feel at home but the fact that he was a corrections officer at a prison always made me feel weird & think of the stories I heard about them, tho that night I was more concerned with the pills he had to sell so we went into their room to get more valiums for me.

We talked over whether or not it was okay for me to stay, again, and he reassured me that T wouldn’t mind, again, and I called her to get her voicemail a few more times and left a message saying I was going to pass out there cuz I wasn’t up to driving and that I hoped she didn’t mind and to please come back.

So, I put my baggy sweats and tee on, took a few more pills with my last beer, and went to sleep on the chair in the living room . Jay came out and said to come sleep in the bed, that I was being ridiculous, and that I always slept there. So we argued over if it would piss T off for a little but I was shot and kinda loopy from the pills so I agreed even though I knew it wasnt right and that she would mind. So we went to bed. I stayed far on one side and made a pillow wall between us just to clearly draw the line so if T came back in she could see the separation and as uncomfortable as I was, still fell into a weird dazed & only barely asleep type sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to J naked and laying on top of me. He was super built because of his job and used that strength against me. I told him to get off me but he kept shushing me and trying to kiss me. He was groping my chest while I tried pushing him off and realized I couldn’t move him at all which really scared me. What also scared me was that I knew I was weak and loopy from the pills and alcohol and didn’t have much strength. What scared me the most was the semi automatic handgun he had on the night table next to him. I kept telling him No and I’m not into you

and to get off of me. He kept putting his hands everywhere on me even though I’d push away wherever his arms went. So then he started pulling my clothes off and I stared screaming. I screamed then yelled for help but he put his hand over my mouth so I tried biting him which didn’t help and he used his other arm to hold my arms away from scratching at him. That’s when I felt this terrible pain and realized he was trying to rape me. I bit him and was screaming no and stop and he kept lying saying it was only his fingers, not that that would have been okay either, but I knew it wasn’t since he had both arms holding me down from getting away from him and because of the way he was moving on top of me. So I started crying hoping that would help him realize this was so fucked up and I didn’t want it to happen but he continued and even kissed me and acted like this was a consensual thing which was even more fucked up. So I tryed saying you have a girlfriend don’t do this but he kept on and said she wouldn’t mind.

He fell asleep after and I still felt stuck. I was crying too weak to move trying to think of how to get outta there & wanting to leave though I knew I couldn’t get up let alone drive. Ended up leaving after a few hours of that once I started sobering up and had stopped shaking from nerves and pain.

I hated myself for choosing to stay. I didn’t blame myself for J’s actions though. The greatest pain I felt was the loss of my friendship with T, a small rift of uncomfortableness grew and grew til we werent talking anymore. I didn’t want to tell her what happened because I was scared she’d hate me for what she’d assume was me getting with her boyfriend and then calling him a rapist. And I let that fear and shame take my best friend away.

A year later, and another move after, she came to visit me and I told her. But she wasn’t angry. He had raped her many times in their relationship so knew what he was capable of. That’s when I realized the tattoo of J on her lower stomach was a symbol of possession and not love. Luckily they were splitting up and she had found a new and decent guy to move on & in with.

At this point (2009) I was Waitressing at Friendlys and started taking classes to get my masters in mental health counseling still wanting to pursue my dreams of being an art therapist. But my self esteem and mental state and shitty coping mechanisms kept getting in the way of me really being present at classes and I was having a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork.

I’m usually an introvert but the idea of being alone wax terrifying me so I stayed hanging with my

old friends from high school even if late on a work night or I could barely stay awake.

I was casually seeimg this guy Ken that I worked with and had gone to high school with and it was nice to have someone to stay over who i felt safe around & cuz I wasn’t ready for a full time relationship and he didn’t want that either.

We had a local bar that all of our friends hung out at so we were there with my sister from another mister oldest friend came to visit from her home Jersey. So when they closed and we weren’t done drinking we all went back to my apartment with some friends including a friend of Ken that I.had never met.

Once it started getting close to sunrise and everyone left, Molly went to sleep in her room and Ken asked if his friend could stay on the couch because he lived really far and couldn’t drive.I didn’t like a stranger in my home but agreed figuring Ken had vouched for his friend.

Ken and I were.undressd in my bed when his friend walked in completely naked. And tried crawling into bed with us.Ken didn’t do anything, not protect me, not defend my honor and demand respect, not punch his nasty friend, he didn’t even blink. So I grabbed a beer bottle, broke the neck off & stood up on my bed and screamed at him that I would fucking kill him if he didn’t get the hell outta my house this second. And I. chased him down the stairs pushing him down most of them. We got to my living room and Ken came down trying to convince me to let him stay and that he was harmless. His friend had curled up on my couch to sleep and I.tried moving him off it but his fake sleeping body wasn’t moving. So I gave in, even with my gut knowing better.m, and went back to bed. I was more upset with Kens lack of reaction than anything until M ran in crying and went to curl up on the closet floor door closed behind her. Through the door she yelled what happened and that the stranger had to go. Apparently while she was sleeping he had snuck back upstairs got naked again and got into her bed. I asked Ken to handle his friend and the situation he created but he kept whining about wanting to stay in bed. So I went downstairs, this time knife in pocket and determined and I grabbed the kids clothes from my living room floor and threw them outside in the snow. When he went to get

them I shut and locked the door behind him and then told him what I. thought of him But he had the balls to keep knocking in and asking to come back in to sleep. Cuz he couldnt drive like it was

somehow my problem n like nothing he did mattered. I still don’t get how he felt entitled to ask for help after violating me then my friend.

I went back upstairs Again and saw a light from my window and loud music to check n see he was drinking in his car in my parking spot and tossing empty bottles out his window at the tres.

I kept asking Ken to deal with it and said.that he’d wake my neighbors and they’d have the police showing up at my house. While he ignored me that’s exactly what happened. I went to the front door to speak to the office to hear about the noise complaints and concern over a public intoxication and I

tried explaining that I Thought he had already left after I kicked him out. So the cop asked me to let him back in to sleep it off. So I told the officer that I couldn’t do that for my safety as well as my girlfriends who this almost stranger had just assaulted and surprisingly but not, this asshole cop still asked me to let him stay on the couch , ( probably so he wasn’t his problem, and cuz he didn’t give a shit about the actual crime that happened. So no cuffs, questioning, report, nothing) So I told the officer that there was no possible way that guy was coming back into my house but if he wanted him to not dusturb the neighbors to give him a ride to the train station where he could sleep waiting for a train. So that’s what they did.

And I went upstairs and told Ken he had to go too after disrespecting me all night. And cuz I needed some peace and to sleep. I didn’t get a single apology, only an argument that it was too cold for the .2 mile walk. But I kept on til he finally huffed his way out.

I was so sick of keeping othr people’s secrets at that point that I tolda. few people who worked with us at friendlys what had happened.And to explain my attitude towards him. And also I think I wanted to make I. wasn’t being a ridiculous drama queen.

But no one cared. Or had comments.a few people even cut me off midstory and not because they had a customer.

I still knew I hadn’t overreacted. I didn’t know how little my friends and coworkers cared about this type of behavior and that really shocked me. Even after everything I’d gone thru, I still wanted people to be outraged against criminal behavior.

I wish I went to the police then

I wish I went to the police each time and reported it and got a DNA kit done at the one hospital in Westchester tha has the equipment and proper training. Just to hav it on hold if I ever wanted to press charges. I wouldn’t have known to not use insurance. Or my options. But I wouldn’t have felt as alone with my pain. I would’ve felt braver and less of a victim.

I have more regrets than I can list here and that is why I wrote out this blog -to say it

To speak my truth,& So that -you-the one reading this, if youre a victim of a sex crime too-can know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

AND YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME

AND YOU HAVE OPTIONS !!

They may be hidden hard to find confusing

but there’s help out there That’s why I included the stories and all the links -these sites and organizations and hotlines and helplines WILL HELP YOU

[kendraeagerstarborn]

Kendra Eager’s #MeToo Stories Post #4 of 4 total

MY #METOO STORIES POST #4 of 4

Wanted to share a Poem I wrote about the problems with our justice system and society & images with info & links to get help if you’ve been a victim of sexual assault

“Slamming the Justice System & Society”

Until society can see that The attacks on their mothers wives and daughters

Are unforgivable

Until all of us can listen without victim shaming or blame

And ensure justice served regardless of an offender‘s name

Cases will continue to get dismissed

If ever heard to begin with

Consent won’t be requested

No won’t necessarily be accepted

Women will continue to be blamed for getting attacked and assaulted

People will continue to whisper idiotic lies like

She may have said no

But her skirt length said yes

So societys stigmas will keep Setting the broken standard

Scaring and silencing those yet to speak out

Until we as a people stop turning a blind eye to all This

And until we as women stop turning on each other

Until the claws only come out to unite & fight as one in the cause

Until we can hold each

other up when one of us can’t stand

Until laws are enforced so time is given to think over The crime

Offenders unpunished give a second thought to the next woman they grab in the streets, give drugs or disease, grope hurt abuse or force themselves onto

And will continue to see societys blind eye as

the only affirmative confirmation they need

As if that lack of reaction justifies the action

As if no consequences means no crime happened

All of which making it easier for these predators to rationalize why hearing no doesn’t have to be respected

While living in a society that doesn’t see

women

as equals to be shown respect

Until we stop dismissing this as familiar

And realize that by these laws in the wild the lioness

would become the prey of the lion

Until we see this for what it is,

unnatural unsanctionable

Not acceptable very changeable

And we finally take action

Until changes are made and justice is served,

Those me toos of us that are so many of us

Will keep asking ourselves,

Why is it OK for the guilty we see every day

To be able to live their lives

without guilt shame blame or pain

Even though each one of us,

The silenced

me toos of US

Can find no

solace

While serving life ?

✧✦✧☆✭☆✵✱✵✫✬✫✧✦✧

-Kendra Eager

If you’ve been a victim of a sex crime -

NY State Department Of Health’s Site has All the links & info you’ll need on a state and and national level -these are images from their site that I’ve edited to highlight important info & a link to the site

[kendraeagerstarborn]

From Tinder-“Tips for DATING SAFELY & being safe while sexually active”

From Tinder-“Tips for DATING SAFELY & being safe while sexually active”

Dating Safely

Tinder brings people together. With more than 20 billion matches made to date and millions of new matches made daily, our community is constantly growing.

With so many people on Tinder, user safety is a priority. We understand that meeting someone for the first time whether online, through an acquaintance or on an outing is intriguing and exciting. However, your safety is very important, and because you are in control of your Tinder experience, there are certain safety steps that you should follow while dating – both online and offline.

We ask you to read the tips and information below, and strongly urge you to follow these guidelines in the interest of your personal safety and well-being. However, you are always the best judge of your own safety, and these guidelines are not intended to be a substitute for your own judgment.

Online Behavior

Protect Your Finances & Never Send Money or Financial Information

Never respond to any request to send money, especially overseas or via wire transfer, and report it to us immediately – even if the person claims to be in an emergency. Wiring money is like sending cash: the sender has no protections against loss and it’s nearly impossible to reverse the transaction or trace the money. For more information, click on the video below to the U.S. Federal Trade Commission's advice to avoid online dating scams, also available here.

Protect Your Personal Information

Never give personal information, such as: your social security number, credit card number or bank information, or your work or home address to people you don’t know or haven’t met in person.

Note: Tinder will never send you an email asking for your username and password information. Any such communication should be reported immediately.

Be Web Wise

Block and report suspicious users. You can block and report concerns about any suspicious user anonymously at any time on Tinder – while swiping or after you’ve matched. Keep conversations on the platform. Bad actors will try to move the conversation to text, personal email or phone conversations.

Report All Suspicious Behavior

Additionally, please report anyone who violates our terms of use.

Examples of terms of use violations include:

* Asks you for money or donations

* Requesting photographs.

* Minors using the platform

* Users sending harassing or offensive messages

* Users behaving inappropriately after meeting in person

* Fraudulent registration or profiles.

* Spam or solicitation, such as invitations to call 1-900 numbers or attempts to sell products or services.

Offline Behavior

First meetings are exciting, but always take precautions and follow these guidelines to help you stay safe:

Get to Know the Other Person

Keep your communications limited to the platform and really get to know users online/using the app before meeting them in person. Bad actors often push people to communicate off the platform immediately. It’s up to you to research and do your due diligence.

Always Meet and Stay in Public

Meet for the first time in a populated, public place – never in a private or remote location, and never at your home or apartment. If your date pressures you, end the date and leave at once.

Tell Your Friends and Family Members of Your Plans

Inform a friend or family member of your plans and when and where you’re going. Make sure you have your cell phone charged and with you at all times.

Transport Yourself to and from the Meeting

You need to be independent and in control of your own transportation, especially in case things don’t work out.

Stay Sober

Consumption of alcohol and/or other drugs can impair your judgment and potentially put you in danger. It’s important to keep a clear mind and avoid anything that might place you at risk. Be aware that bad actors might try to take advantage of you by altering your beverage(s) with synthetic substances.

Health

Tinder welcomes everyone and empowers our community of users to create and cultivate relationships. An important aspect of any healthy relationship though – whether formed on Tinder or otherwise – is ensuring proper sexual health and safety. And as a member of the Tinder community it is your responsibility to make sure you do the following, if you choose to engage in sexual activity.

Protect Yourself.

You and your partner should use proper protection. Condoms and other mechanisms can significantly reduce the risk of contracting or passing on an STI, such as HIV. To be effective, however, protective measures must be used consistently. Please keep in mind, you can still get certain STIs, like herpes or HPV from contact with your partner’s skin even when using a condom.

Be Open and Honest

It is completely reasonable to have a conversation with your partner regarding sex and sexual contact before actually having it. All issues ranging from the number of partners each of you has had, to the last time each of you was tested for STIs are fair game. Many STIs are curable or treatable. If either you or your partner has an STI that is curable, you both need to start treatment to avoid becoming re-infected. It is important to be completely honest in these conversations.

Vaccinate

The risk of contracting some STIs can be reduced through vaccination. Talk to your doctor or a professional at a sexual health clinic to learn more.

Know Your Status

Know your status. Some STIs don't show symptoms. Regular testing is critical to staying on top of your health and helping prevent the spread of STIs. After testing, always ask for a copy of your test results so you are sure of your status. There are many free, quick and confidential testing options - find the best locations near you using Healthvana's free HIV and STD testing locator.

For Further Help, Support or Advice

In the case that something has happened, immediately call 911. Emergency situations include a recent threat of violence or sexual violence, recent act of violence or sexual violence or if your health or someone else’s is in danger.

If something has happened and you’re in need of help, support or advice pertaining to physical or sexual assault, please call the below 24hr hotlines.

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Hotline

1-800-656-HOPE | www.rainn.org

Planned Parenthood

1-800-230-7526 | www.plannedparenthood.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 | www.thehotline.org

[kendraeagerstarborn]

“i walk into the world with a smile to show it’s my greatest mask always hiding behind a laugh but when the conversation turns too close to home i end up empty, hollow afraid that people will know how i feel and who i am”

— t.m.

[kendraeagerstarborn]

Daaaamn

Watch HALSEY’s “A STORY LIKE MINE” ON YOUTUBE TO LISTEN TO HER #METOO STORY @ THE WOMENS MARCH

Halsey, Control

[kendraeagerstarborn]

Crime Victim Rights

Ovs.ny.gov

Office of victim services -by state

Info for

Crime Victim Rights

[[[-Only a few of the answers from the site, much more there]]]

-Do I have any legal rights as a crime victim?  Do different victims have different rights?

Yes, you have many, many rights as a crime victim.  Child victims have additional rights beyond those of adult victims, and there are some specific rights afforded domestic violence victims and rape and sexual assault victims. Please see the Rights of Crime Victims pamphlet for a comprehensive answer to these questions.

Crime Victim Rights

Do I have any legal rights as a crime victim?  Do different victims have different rights?

Do I have the right to know what is happening to the person accused of committing the crime against me?

Yes, you do have many rights to know about the status of the judicial proceedings for the person accused of committing the crime against you.  You have the right, too, to know the final disposition of the case and, in certain cases, you may be entitled to know of an inmate's release from jail.  Please see the Rights of Crime Victims pamphlet for a detailed answer to this and many other questions on victims' rights.  Also, to learn about the services of the Victim Information and Notification Everyday (VINE) program, see our Help for Crime Victims page or go to

http://www.doccs.ny.gov/VictimSvc/vsoverview.html

Below excerpt from

Ovs .gov site

Restitution

“What is restitution?

Who is entitled to restitution?

Anyone who has been the victim of a criminal offense and has suffered injuries, economic losses or damages can seek restitution.  Many times, victims who deserve restitution do not request it.  This can occur because victims are not aware that they are entitled to restitution, or do not know what steps to take to go about receiving the restitution they deserve. 

-How do I ask for restitution?

You should contact the DA's office and advise them of the extent of your injury, your out-of-pocket losses and the amount of damages you are requesting.

IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to give the police, DA and upon request, the local probation department copies of the bills and other documents showing the extent of your injuries, your out-of-pocket losses and the amount of damages you want considered by the Court!  Your claim for restitution will be included in any probation investigation report (pre-sentence, pre-plea or pre-disposition report). 

—————————————

Report on raise in numbers of reported rape cases in NY

“They are up 28 percent since January. Of the 1,348 rape complaints, 54 percent were committed by acquaintances, 39 percent by family members and 7 percent by strangers.”-CBS NEWS re NYC SVU EXPANSION

From NEWS STORY:

“NYPD Ramps Up SVU Following Surge In Rape Cases – CBS New York”

[kendraeagerstarborn]

http://polyesterzine.com/reporting-sexual-assault/

[kendraeagerstarborn]

RESOURCES & INFO FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ATTACKS

(Bˀeˀlˀoˀwˀ iˀnˀcˀlˀuˀdˀeˀsˀ mˀyˀ pˀeˀrˀsˀoˀnˀaˀlˀ nˀoˀtˀeˀsˀ oˀnˀ tˀhˀeˀ iˀsˀsˀuˀeˀsˀ wˀiˀtˀhˀ tˀhˀeˀ gˀoˀvˀeˀrˀnˀmˀeˀnˀtˀsˀ pˀoˀlˀiˀcˀiˀeˀsˀ & pˀrˀoˀcˀeˀdˀuˀrˀeˀsˀ rˀeˀgˀaˀrˀdˀiˀnˀgˀ sˀeˀxˀuˀaˀlˀ vˀiˀoˀlˀeˀnˀcˀeˀ )

“PPHP stands with survivors....If you are having trouble, do not be afraid to ask for help.

* National: RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network)-  ‪800-656-HOPE‬ (‪24/7‬)

* Long Island: VIBS- ‪VIBS.org‬ (Victim's Information Bureau)-  631-360-3606 (‪24/7‬)

* Westchester: Westchester Hispanic Coalition: ‪1-844-YA-NO-MAS‬ (Westchester, ‪24/7‬)

* Rockland: Center for Safety and Change:  ‪845-634-3344‬ (‪24/7‬)

* Westchester: Victim's Assistance Services: ‪914-345-9111‬ (24-Hour Rape Crisis Hotline) / ‪855-827-2255‬ (Victims Assistance Hotline)

 In solidarity

Acacia Bamberg Salatti

Vice President, External Affairs

Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic “

FROM: Ovs.ny.gov

Office of victim services -by state

Info for

Crime Victim Rights

[[[-these are Only a few of the answers from the site, much more there]]]

-Do I have any legal rights as a crime victim?  Do different victims have different rights?

Yes, you have many, many rights as a crime victim.  Child victims have additional rights beyond those of adult victims, and there are some specific rights afforded domestic violence victims and rape and sexual assault victims. Please see the Rights of Crime Victims pamphlet for a comprehensive answer to these questions.

Crime Victim Rights

https://www.health.ny.gov/prevention/sexual_violence/

Above link for below:

NY STATE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH

“Sexual Violence Prevention Program's (SVPP)

* SVPP Home Page

* Enough is Enough Program

* Rape Prevention and Education Program

* Sexual Assault Forensic Examiner (SAFE)

Sexual Violence Prevention Program

Mission Statement

The Sexual Violence Prevention Program's (SVPP) mission is to improve societal response to sexual violence and promote primary prevention strategies that reduce the incidence of victimization from rape or sexual assault in New York State. SVPP approaches sexual violence from a public health perspective, with emphasis on primary prevention, including efforts to change social norms, behaviors, and practices, to cultivate a community climate free from violence.

What is sexual violence?

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention defines sexual violence as any sexual act committed against someone without that person's freely given consent. Sexual violence includes

* Completed or attempted forced penetration of a victim.

* Completed or attempted alcohol/drug-facilitated penetration of a victim.

* Completed or attempted forced acts in which a victim is made to penetrate a perpetrator or someone else.

* Completed or attempted alcohol/drug-facilitated acts in which a victim is made to penetrate a perpetrator or someone else.

* Non-physically forced penetration which occurs after a person is pressured verbally or through intimidation or misuse of authority to consent or acquiesce.

* Unwanted sexual contact.

* Non-contact unwanted sexual experiences.

What is consent?

NEW YORK State defines affirmative consent as a knowing, voluntary, and mutual decision among all participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent can be given by words or actions, as long as those words or actions create clear permission regarding willingness to engage in the sexual activity. Silence or lack of resistance, in and of itself, does not demonstrate consent. The definition of consent does not vary based upon a participant's sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.”

{{HERE ARE The PˀRˀOˀBˀLˀEˀMˀs I HAVE with above & WHAT CHANGES I THINK NEED TO BE MADE-==>

The First definition issue:

what action could determine consent?!? It’s a LˀOˀOˀPˀHˀOˀLˀEˀ & lˀaˀwˀyˀeˀrˀsˀ (scarily )lˀoˀvˀeˀ tˀhˀoˀsˀeˀ!

My thing is if you don’t feel comfortable asking for consent it’s because you know you won’t get it!

It’s why states need to clarify the definition of what consensual sex is and also only allow affirmative consent to be defined as spoken consent in the absence of physical threats or drugs in eithers’ system.

Secondly, & a Big problem -SEX is about two consensual partners but this is wrongly blending the definitions of sex & rape. RAPE is about one persons need for power and control over another person -a rapist doesn’t want consent, and may even plan out attacks in order to satisfy the NY State’s definition of consent -“where the victim’s actions create clear permission regarding willingness” -by “roofie-ing” or drugging the victim. Thereby not in violation of the law (though clearly still not getting consent) and could potentially avoid jail time all because NEW YORK state hasn’t properly defined sexual assault or consent.

A third issue with the current legal doctrine is that :

THE consent definition DOESNT INCLUDE :

CONSENT GIVEN BECAUSE OF VIOLENCE OR THREATS

Although that clearly cannot be considered CONSENT!) & it creates another loophole, where a violent rapist could be found innocent because consent was given within the context of this definition

all of which ==>sˀuˀcˀhˀ BˀSˀ!!!

If we write or call our senators we CAN CHANGE these definitions That literally control our freedoms as women and our legal rights and determine whether our attacker goes to jail or remains free to prey on others.

Ask for a change to how the law is written. Tell them why if you’re up for it.

Remember, These are your elected officials, they are elected to serve the public’s needs and protect all of our rights so it’s not like it’s too much to ask for basic protections.

Sexual Violence Helplines

* In an emergency, call 911.

* 1-800-942-6906: New York State Domestic & Sexual Violence Hotline for confidential assistance.

* 1-844-845-7269: Report sexual assault on a New York college campus to the New York State Police.

* New York City: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673) or 311.

What to do after a rape or sexual assault?

* Get to a safe place. If you are injured or in danger, call 911.

* Seek medical treatment as soon as possible for all HIV post-exposure, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy testing and treatment options at the nearest emergency department.

* HIV post exposure prophylaxis (PEP) should be initiated as soon as possible after exposure, ideally within 2 hours. Decisions regarding initiation of PEP beyond 36 hours post exposure should be made on a case-by-case basis.

* Upon arrival, the hospital will offer assistance from a local rape crisis advocate. The advocate will be able to answer any of your questions about a forensic exam, accompany you through the entire examination, and provide follow-up resources.

* A forensic exam, also known as a "rape kit", is the collection of evidence in the emergency department after a sexual assault occurred or within 96 hour

NOTES-> ITS NˀOˀTˀ EˀNˀOˀUˀGˀHˀ TˀIˀMˀEˀ!!! (4 dˀaˀyˀsˀ & oˀnˀlˀyˀ iˀfˀ sˀeˀmˀeˀnˀ sˀtˀiˀlˀlˀ pˀrˀeˀsˀeˀnˀtˀ?!?-> tˀhˀiˀsˀ should bˀeˀ tˀhˀeˀ fˀiˀrˀsˀtˀ cˀhˀaˀnˀgˀeˀ made to our laws-aˀtˀ lˀeˀaˀsˀtˀ oˀfˀfˀeˀrˀ the rape kit as an OˀTˀCˀ -option aˀtˀ aˀlˀlˀ pˀhˀaˀrˀmˀaˀcˀiˀeˀsˀ & gˀrˀoˀcˀeˀrˀiˀeˀsˀ !)

-also issue of wˀhˀaˀtˀ iˀfˀ the victim cˀaˀnˀ'tˀ gˀeˀtˀ tˀoˀ sˀtˀoˀrˀeˀ tˀoˀoˀ!!?!

* To preserve as much DNA as possible, do not shower, use the bathroom or wash your clothes prior to going to the emergency room.

*

Pˀrˀoˀbˀlˀeˀmˀ hˀeˀrˀeˀ -tˀhˀoˀsˀeˀ aˀrˀeˀ eˀvˀeˀrˀyˀtˀhˀiˀnˀgˀ yˀoˀuˀ iˀnˀsˀtˀiˀnˀcˀtˀiˀvˀeˀlˀyˀ dˀoˀ rˀiˀgˀhˀtˀ aˀfˀtˀeˀrˀ wˀhˀeˀnˀ sˀtˀiˀlˀlˀ iˀnˀ sˀhˀoˀcˀkˀ (& EˀSˀPˀ iˀfˀ dˀoˀnˀ'tˀ kˀnˀoˀwˀ oˀpˀtˀiˀoˀnˀsˀ) &wˀhˀaˀtˀ iˀfˀ tˀhˀeˀ EˀRˀ cˀaˀnˀ'tˀ sˀeˀeˀ yˀoˀuˀ bˀeˀfˀoˀrˀeˀ yˀoˀuˀ nˀeˀeˀdˀ tˀoˀ pˀeˀeˀ?! Nˀoˀtˀ sˀuˀrˀeˀ rˀaˀpˀeˀ cˀaˀsˀeˀsˀ aˀrˀeˀ tˀrˀeˀaˀtˀeˀdˀ aˀsˀ eˀrˀ pˀrˀiˀoˀrˀiˀtˀyˀ& tˀhˀeˀ tˀiˀmˀeˀfˀrˀaˀmˀeˀ aˀlˀsˀoˀ dˀeˀpˀeˀnˀdˀeˀnˀtˀ oˀnˀ nˀuˀmˀbˀeˀrˀ oˀfˀ rˀaˀpˀeˀ kˀiˀtˀ qˀuˀaˀlˀiˀfˀiˀeˀdˀ nˀuˀrˀsˀeˀsˀ wˀoˀrˀkˀiˀnˀgˀ wˀhˀeˀnˀ gˀoˀ iˀnˀ.

* If you are uncomfortable with any part of the exam, you do not have to consent

(pˀrˀoˀbˀlˀeˀmˀsˀ-tˀhˀeˀnˀ iˀtˀ mˀaˀyˀ nˀoˀtˀ hˀoˀlˀdˀ uˀpˀ iˀnˀ cˀoˀuˀrˀtˀ fˀoˀrˀ lˀaˀcˀkˀ oˀfˀ eˀvˀiˀdˀeˀnˀcˀeˀ pˀlˀuˀsˀ bˀiˀgˀgˀeˀrˀ iˀsˀsˀuˀeˀ oˀfˀ nˀoˀ oˀnˀeˀ wˀaˀnˀtˀsˀ tˀoˀ bˀeˀ nˀaˀkˀeˀdˀ aˀnˀdˀ dˀeˀfˀiˀnˀiˀtˀeˀlˀyˀ nˀoˀtˀ tˀoˀuˀcˀhˀeˀdˀ rˀiˀgˀhˀtˀ aˀfˀtˀeˀrˀ!)

-iˀtˀ dˀoˀeˀsˀnˀ'tˀ sˀaˀyˀ tˀhˀiˀsˀ bˀuˀtˀ tˀaˀkˀiˀnˀgˀ pˀlˀaˀnˀ Bˀ eˀmˀeˀrˀgˀeˀnˀcˀyˀ cˀoˀnˀtˀrˀaˀcˀeˀpˀtˀiˀvˀeˀ sˀhˀoˀuˀlˀdˀ bˀeˀ lˀiˀsˀtˀeˀdˀ aˀsˀ sˀoˀmˀeˀtˀhˀiˀnˀgˀ tˀoˀ dˀoˀ rˀiˀgˀhˀtˀ aˀfˀtˀeˀrˀ

For more information about what to do after an assault, please call the NYS Sexual Violence Hotline at 1-800-942-6906 to be connected to your local rape crisis center (available 24/7/365) or visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center website at nsvrc.org.

* Click here for more information about the New York State Sexual Assault Forensic Examiner (SAFE) Program.

New York State

>>Approved <<

Rape Crisis Programs

Rape crisis programs around the state provide care and support to victims of sexual violence. Every program offers the following services:

* 24-hour crisis intervention services

* Short-term counseling

* Accompaniment and advocacy

* Information and referral services

((Site had more info including locations mapped out ))

https://www.health.ny.gov/prevention/sexual_violence/

Division of Criminal Justice Services

Violence Against Women

Information on the NYS Sexual Offense Evidence Collection Kit is available in HTML format for viewing on your browser

In November of 2003, The Division of Criminal Justice Services made available a Drug Facilitated Sexual Assault evidence collection kit for use in sexual assault cases where it is suspected that drugs were used to facilitate the assault.The initial release memo details the issue of the new kits. You may also download an alert sheet (PDF), and a release form, by which a victim can authorize the release of evidence kit information to law enforcement and prosecution personnel.

[kendraeagerstarborn]

ᕼIYᗩ!

ᗯᗩᑎTEᗪ TO ᔕᕼᗩᖇE ᗰY ᗩᖇT ᗯITᕼ Yᗩᒪᒪ𗁨

🔗🖥📍This is my Photography Blog with

📸PHOTO HOW TOS FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS & MODELS🎞

& my Portfolio

& check out my website⛓ 📍

[kendraeagerstarborn]

Reposting from other Tumblr Page : KendraEager

Note -This is not my #MeToo Story / wanted to link up my tumblr pages

The greatest loss of my life -losing my best friend and sister Molly Schrader

My best friend for 30 years, my sister, her family who took me in when my home wasn’t safe to be in and left the door unlocked so I’d always have a safe space, whom I always thought would be a part of my life

The only person in the world who I knew I found trust and that loved me. Especially after my own adoptive & abusive family disowned me over and over again and told me that it was a mistake to adopt me and were kissed off that they got a bad pick for what they paid and would return me if they could , I at least knew I had Molly. Even when distance or circumstance came between us

I spent the last few years trying to make amends and get us back to being us. Because we wanted that and talked about how to put the few years before that when I was disowned & homeless and therefore unreachable behind us. But I kept feeling that something was wrong and maybe her words didn’t match her intentions. And she wouldn’t us meet in person even with me in person and her in NYC. ….

And then a year ago this text xonversation happened and I realiized just how alone I was in the world and that I no longer have one person that I can say over me or is my friend or is my family and that I am in fact, throwawayable.

Copy of text convo between me and molly Schrader :

Molly -Hey girl- sorry I haven’t really been in touch 😓 I think I’d be a bad influence on you

Me-Someone can only be a bad influence if they’re able to influence the other person right?

Pretty sure I’ve always had my fair share of bad influences around but have made very different choices depending where I was at in life. Also have been the one influencing ya. Know I’m getting philosophical on that but the real deal is having my bean, my sister my blood in my life sounds like the best influence I can think of. I’m not me without you. Haven’t been. I don’t have family without you. Haven’t had. I don’t feel that same kind of happy without you, can’t get as deep into a movie without us watching with pickle sandwiches n running commentary, can’t share my soul and trust as I am right now with anyone else, both because they’ll hurt it and because they just don’t get me like you do cuz I know u accept me for who I am, n understand me past my words or doofiness or impulsive behaviors n made me feel safe and ok. Those are the best influences I can imagine and ones that can come only from my best friend that I miss sooooo much it hurts my heartfBut that’s just where I’m at, it takes both of us to want to go back to us. I’d rather you be honest and just tell me if that’s gonna happen. I’ve been wanting to ask but keep getting hot n cold from you so feeling lost

Molly -No it’s me- sorry girl just been a rough month infinite me

molly 1month later -I’m sorry about me- my moms Alzheimer’s has taken a from my whole family

And molly again

Hey hun- happy almost b day! I really don’t mean to be rude but can we tone it down to one animated gif per comment 👻

Me (Kendra)-What you’re asking does sound rude but maybe I don’t understand why you’re asking that?

Molly-Hi- at work sorry- didn’t mean to be rude it’s just a lot of stickers not a big deal

Me-You already asked me to not like your pictures, including my own photography in which I’m not even credited, then not say certain things n referred me to an etiquette article then denied my sister request then told me to not post a picture to your page because it had a price n now it’s don’t post multiple stickers that I really thought you’d like. Maybe in your trying not to be rude you’re also not saying what’s up or I’m just not getting the message but I hear you now loud n clear

Don’t worry about getting back to me, I know you’ve got your job n all I just wish u had the courage to tell me you didn’t want to be friends with me months ago instead of me trying everything I could think of and making a damn fool of myself trying to reconnect and pouring my heart out.

I get stepped on enough daily by the rest of the people in my life, but with them I expect it, I definitely didn’t expect this from you and I can’t handle it coming from you, I’d rather hold onto the illusion that I have one true friend in this world that cares about me, so I’ll do what you haven’t had the spine to do and say let’s not talk anymore

Molly-That’s fair. I admit I haven’t really known how to handle this a d have been bitchy- at work now tho so have to go

Me-(while in tears) Handle this?!?

That’s what I am to you? Fuck you molly I’m done

Molly-Literally at work I’m sorry I can’t phrase better right now

Me-Not asking you to talk

Only saying what I have to for closure tho I have no FUCKING CLUE what I ever did to you to deserve this !?!!? And I have no clue who you are anymore cuz my old best friend wasn’t this nasty bitch that’s asking me for songs list n making me go deep into my emotions n memories only as a way of shutting me up I’m assuming. I’ve always been ride or die for you but maybe that doesn’t mean anything to you anymore.

You know at least a little of what I’ve gone thru the last few years so I’m kinda shocked right now that you would put me Thru this sick joke of yours on top of everything else I’m dealing with. I just can’t believe you led me on like this and let me make such an ass of myself and pour my goddamn heart out and be so damn vulnerable even asking you over n over if you wanted to be friends again I guess You must really hate me to let me do that n allow me to beg you for friendship n get my hopes up n hear out my amends without caring-you were my sister and you were my only family and you know that That’s twisted. ’m glad I’ve now made my side of the amends tho I guess, won’t wait on yours either. I know how things go in Molly’s world.

I just feel very alone and pathetic so thank you for that, and thanks for the first bit of honesty I’ve heard from you in a looong time. Sure it’s hard to get those words all the way down to where I am from where you’re looking so good for you, maybe you’ll be honest with yourself enough one day to realize we’ve always stood on even ground ….But even if that day miraculously comes-don’t call me. I’m not doing this again-It’s too painful. Yea that makes me sound dumb and pathetic but at least I’ll admit it and don’t worry I won’t keep texting or even sending stickers -wouldn’t want to embarrass you or have to handle this again

Moly-You disappeared and I didn’t hear from you for 7 years. The call I expected to get was that you were dead to be honest. I didn’t expect you to come back into my life and so yeah I’ve handled it really shittily I fully admit that

[(Note-none of that is true. As well as UCB of what she says after this)]

Me-You got that call seven years ago you just didn’t answer it.

I’ve been desperately trying to pull together the pieces since and so no I didn’t have a phone or home or family for a long time to help me out. I got sent away for a year-everything I owned thrown into a dumpster and after that year my family disowned me to be homeless in California -that was just the first year-shits been crazier since and I didn’t have a cell phone fora few years cuz I couldn’t afford one and I didn’t have your number but I kept trying to find you online

But you’re avoiding the real issue here which is clearly you don’t want me back in your life and instead of apologizing for what you just did to me or at least owning up to it you blame me for almost dying in an accident and being institutionalized?!? Seriously?!?? Wtf is wrong with you?I’m not going to be the victim of your games anymore

Molly-Wow. Ok. I didn’t do anything to you except be bitchy over the phone. You did heroin at my bridal shower. I’m not playing games- I’m just still angry.

[[[Note-I was high, and I made amends to her for that, I have 6 ½ years now clean and sober. Another reason I delayed reconnecting so that I wouldn’t have to put her through that, even though she’s an alcoholic and addict, but hasn’t yet accepted wanting to change , she was so drunk at that shower she couldn’t open her presents without passing out every few minutes)]

Me-Guess you would’ve preferred that call. Sorry to disappoint. Really shitty doesn’t come close to admitting it tho. You just took my last little candle of hope that there was someone that loved me and didn’t see me as a a piece of shit to use as a doormat

Didn’t do anything?! I know drinking makes you lose your memory but I didn’t know it got that bad Do you even realize what you’re saying to me?!? I know you’ve always had a gift to only see the wrongs of other people and not your own but wow, Sounds like you’re much better at that now. Maybe that’s why you think you’re so much better than me. Or why it’s ok to abandon me, over n over all our lives but when I get harder to reach you’re done. I’m not gonna start listing out the issues that we’ve had or the shit that I think you should probably apologize for, what’s the point if you can’t even see how you fucked me over the last couple months? It’s pretty fucking meaningless Molly-Oy vey. I’m sorry and I do t think you’re a piece of shit. But I am still really really angry at you. You abandoned me years ago for drugs. I’m not doing this.

Me-You’re not sorry though and you’re saying that to placate or maybe that’s just a particularly nasty form of sarcasm youve developed I know you’re still angry with me,That is why I did saythe amends I said you months ago and also said I understand we have a lot of healing to do and I understand if you’re mad at meBut please let me know If you can’t get past But you kept telling me that you could

I don’t know if that was your way of making a joke out of me or getting back at me by getting my hopes upBut that’s really fucked up

I literally just told you why I left. Clearly you’re not hearing anything I’m saying and you’re going to believe whatever the hell story you wanna keep telling yourself to make yourself feel better about being a complete bitch

So stick with that fuck you I’m done goodye

Moly-Well I’m done being cursed out by you so ok

Me-Just know that your alcoholism and pill addiction doesn’t look any different than mine. You’d know that if you ever went to a meeting. Or spent a minutia of time time clean and sober. But maybe you don’t want that reminder anywhere near you I’m done thinking I still have a best friend and sister in my lifeSo sorry I have a few things to say after finding out that this whole thing was a fucking joke to you Do you need an amends for that too? I already went over the entire fucking list with you N clearly for no reasonIt’s just really hard for me to believe that you’d let me get on my fucking hands and knees And you just keep lying to me. It’s hard to hear that I’ve turned into a “handle this” type of situationIt’s really painful I ’m Done apologizing I’m done talking you to you you don’t heAr me anyway so don’t worryI’m just glad I can see now the type of person you’ve become-at least I’m grateful for that and that I’m not allowing another sadistic fucked up person back into my life

Molly-Life fucks us all up. I’m just trying to live mine. And this is unhealthy.

Me-Life fucks us up but friends pull each other together

Obviously you’re more interested in tearing me apart while tearing me down Molly you’re the one that’s unhealthyBut like I said, whatever you need to tell yourself to make yourself feel better You’re an emotional vampire

Molly-That’s funny this whole conversation seems to have been very much about tearing me down while I’m literally at work. Also- you literally don’t even know meJust like I clearly don’t know you. There’s just been too much shit between us in the past. You tried to get Dave to leave me before we got married remember that? And you didn’t stick around for the wedding or the divorce or the 2.5 years after the divorce and then you fucking sent me drawings from rehab if you smoking the cigarettes you wanted me to buy you and you never even fucking apologized like what the LITERAL fuck was I suppose to feel? I was fucking pissed and I’m still fucking pissed that you chose drugs over me every god damn timeLike EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU CHOSE DRUGSThen all the sudden here you are again and liking all my pictures and commenting on everything and people from middle school (actual middle school!) are asking wtf happened to you and how I feel about it and I didn’t know really how I felt about it but overjoyed was clearly not my reaction cause I wasn’t over that shit And I HATE myself for saying this to you cause I do love who you were and who we used to be and I don’t want you to feel shitty but I’m human too and I fuck up too and it feels like you never cared And the stickers and likes and comments made it seem like everything was just like it had been and nothing had changed and THATS why they pissed me off so much. Because it felt like a lie. It felt like trying to paint over a period in our lives like it never happened and everything could be normal and that wasn’t true- not for meIf you wanted to be my sister maybe you should’ve fucking acted like it!

So go disappear again. You do every time.

Molly- I read all your texts once I was out of work and had a chance to so please do me the courtesy of reading mine since you texted me at work and then got snarky cause I “have my job” you’re not the only one who wants closure

But I’m guessing you e blocked me.

[[note-I didn’t block her. But she blocked me]]

Me- (written in attempts to explain the truth of her accusations and try to save our friendship ) Those stickers and likes were not a lie to me. They were my real feelings that you crushed by not telling me how you felt. You were the only one lying between the two of us. You lied to me about wanting to be friends again, which killed me . You left me at the alter when you left for jersey and I was alone and lost without you. I would have been at your wedding if it was possible but after I almost died in that car accident and was in the hospital that you never visited I made plans to go to a local detox so I could still be there for you but on the day of my release I got strapped into a cot and put in a locked ambulance and driven 4 hours off into Pennsylvania and admitted against my will to that rehab center. I didn’t have any money or a car or an apartment to go back to then I found out my parents went to my old place and trashed everything I owned. Then they said they’d disown me if I left the rehab and that I was possibly gonna be disowned either way cuz they had just found all my old needles so I shouldn’t call them or ask them for anything. I had no possible way to be there for you. I can’t take that back. Even after everything you’ve put me thru I still feel horrible I wasn’t there.

I couldn’t tell you about the last few years thru a text -I just don’t know how to do it -I figured when we met up I could explain better, and that you’d understand cuz I’ve been thru ridiculously similar struggles-I was pregnant too but was forced to get an abortion, I was living with a partner for years in an abusive relationship Then I got disowned again and shipped off again a few more times by my family, but all of that needs better explaining which is an in person kinda talk. And a talk where you trust the person you’re opening up to but you kept pushing me away so why would I open up my heart any more than I already did when I knew something was way off I know you’re not interested in any of that since you’re more interested in believing your made up narrative about who you are and who we were but I feel like I need to defend myself and the friend I’ve been to you cuz what you’ve said is just not right. And you never cared to know any of this anyway since you were holding onto a lie about you n Dave that blocked your vision. That thing you said about me trying to convince Dave to leave you-you’re wrong. And you’re really wrong for thinking I would ever do that to you. That alone says everything you think of me & if I’m looking to the (was)closest person in my life as a mirror of who I am then I don’t deserve to be. If you can think that then I’m scared of what others see. I think you know my self esteems shit. I also think you know me better than to believe I’d break up your marriage. But I do remember the conversation you’re probably referring to tho I doubt you do since you were falling down drunk The one in Bedford hills with you two visiting and when you went upstairs Dave told me he was disgusted by you since your weight went up and didn’t want to have sex with you anymore and was scared he couldn’t marry you. I don’t know if you maybe heard only parts of it which is why you’re confused or it’s cuz you were blacked out but I defended you and tried to help you by calming his nerves and saying it might be pre wedding jitters and said the two of you could go to the gym together as a way of problem solving. I told him I would talk to you and be the asshole that brings up the gym idea so he didn’t have to cuz I knew it would hurt you and I didn’t want you to hear it from your fiancée. I didn’t know what else to do.and no I didn’t agree with him, I always thought you looked beautiful, but I knew it was a sensitive subject and safer for me to say it. So I did. And I’m sorry I intervened and tried to help cuz obviously it didn’t help us and it definitely didn’t help you two. So no I never tried to get him to leave you. And no you can’t blame me for your marriage. Or him being a dick. That’s who he is. And I never told him about your cheating on him either FYI. Maybe those insecurities are what led you to think that.

maybe I’ve always put you first even when it meant letting you step on me to get there. I’m definitely stupid for thinking you get what you give. I’m not stupid enough to think we’ll be friends again but I can’t handle you seeing me as someone I’m not. And I think you know we’ve seen each other more recently than before I was in my accident. Maybe you don’t want to remember my visits to jersey after but I tried to reconnect with you and you kept pushing me further away and then told me Dave hated me tho I still don’t know why and then that he couldn’t be in the same room as me like at our last visit and didn’t want me in his house. Maybe you prefer telling people I’m the bad influence so you had someone to blame. I’m assuming that’s what made Dave not want me around or to be around me. Or maybe you didn’t want me anymore and used him as an excuse I don’t really know now. I clearly don’t know you as well as I thought I did cuz as selfish as the Molly I know is she’d never believe I’d break up her marriage. And I still have a hard time believing what you just did to me-stringing me along for over a year letting me believe I had my best friend back You let me make my 9th step amends with you-something that took months of courage& sharing about in meetings and with my sponsor -I can barely face them now cuz I feel like a joke and I can’t explain cuz I still don’t really understand why you did what you did I realize you never think about how your actions affect others which is why I’m saying this And I don’t think you get how bad you hurt me still. I’ve never done anything to hurt you so I just don’t understand why you thought it was ok to treat me like that. That was the lie. You kept saying that in your messages but the only lies I can think of came from you. Except one-my doctored up FB pictures -well I added filters cuz I think I’m ugly -there’s your truth there. Pretty sure a lotta people do that. And yes cuz I have two stalkers -hence the different last name. But mainly cuz I don’t like what I look like. But clearly that’s too much for you to handle. All that honesty you said you’ve put on FB, it’s just self pity n partially based on lies like the one you decided to think about me. So I don’t see how that changes anything. You really broke my heart and you broke me by allowing us to rebuild our friendship when you were lying the whole time I still am having trouble moving forward from that knowing the person who I thought knew me best in the world and the one person ,I thought at least,who had any love for me in fact doesn’t know me and definitely has no love whatsoever for me. All I can think is why would anyone else want to be friends with me or even be near me then? Maybe you’re right & I’m really not deserving of a family or friends. You made my worst fear come true that I am throwaway-able. I do know you enough to know we’re not sisters family friends anymore or ever again. So I’ll disappear since that��s what you told me to do (I don’t want or expect a response from you either-it’ll only hurt me more-so just keep thinking that I’m nothing to you )

Molly-Kendra I have a hard life to I’m not going to read this just to have you tell me that I’m a bad person Read a bit of this and wow. Fuck you. Lose my number.

I have deleted every copy of the essay you sent me. The truth is Dave hated you cause you were a manipulative drug addicted that kept clinging after I tried to have a life. And I did visit you in the hospital. Your rewrite of history is astounding. I left you at the alter?? I’m supposed to worry about your parents finding your needles?? You’re not well. I’m especially confused by you thinking we live comparative lives. You’ve never had a job or a decent relationship. I’ve never ditched a friend for heroin. I am done with your hateful manipulative borderline shit. Peace.

Last text written since July of 2018

Me-I was just trying to respond to your “too much shit betweeen us” comment but I guess it doesn’t matter what I say since you’ll continue to create new lies to create new shit between us. You know you never visited me at the hospital, and no you’re not supposed to care about that part, you know I’ve had more steady jobs than you’ve ever worked and more decent relationships too but if you want to keep creating this evil Kendra that can’t compare to you in your head there’s nothing I can do. I’ve never ditched you for drugs. You’ve ditched me for boyfriends tho. N You’re the one who’s borderline remember? I’m the bipolar one. Even though all the lies you keep making up about me are really hateful and hurtful the worst part is that it’s obviously you and not just Dave who thought I was a clingy bitch. I didn’t know sisters could be clingy. So sorry I got in the way of your trying to have a life. Guess I never got the message. I didn’t realize that getting married meant you didn’t want your friends in your life anymore. Cuz he was such a good judge of character n all. Just please stop responding to my truths with your made up lies only crafted to hurt me. I don’t deserve that from anyone and definitely not from you. All I’ve ever done is be your friend so please stop trying to rewrite our friendship to make yourself feel better about ending it. I get itI’m goneI’ll delete your number now

[kendraeagerstarborn]

The U S Governments definition of sexual assault & article from Self.com “ What Is Sexual Assault (and what Isn’t), According to The Law” by Korin Miller & links to 2 Teen Vogue articles with excerpt from 1- “What to Do Immediately After A Sexual Attack”

This post includes

1-How the GOVERNMENT DEFINES WHAT IS AND ISNT CONSENT LEGALLY from the New York State Sexual Violence Prevention Program website

(Along with my notes on the changes that need to be made to it so that all survivors can successfully prosecute their attackers as well as the legal loopholes to be wary of)

AND

2-Self.com’s 11/3/17 article “ What Is Sexual Assault (and what Isn’t), According to The Law” by Korin Miller

(This story helps explain the various state by state definitions of sexual assault and why it varies as well as how pop culture can influence or bias the court rulings of jurors in rape cases)

AND

3-Teen Vogue Article Links for

“SELF CARE TIPS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS”

&

“What to Do Immediately After A Sexual Attack” with partial excerpt

https://www.self.com/story/sexual-assault-definition =>Link for following article

Culture November 3, 2017Korin Miller

What Is Sexual Assault (and What Isn't), According to the Law

What actually constitutes sexual assault is not always clear.

Adrian Samson / Getty ImagesSexual assault and harassment have been in the news a lot lately, largely due to allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, as well as those that have been raised

against House of Cards actor Kevin Spacey.

First, a recap: On Oct. 5, The New York Times published an investigative report detailing a number of sexual harassment allegations women have made about Weinstein over the past three decades. In the weeks that followed, even more women came forward to share their own experiences with sexual assault and harassment. These allegations often had nothing to do with Weinstein; instead, women were sharing their stories using the hashtag #MeToo to show just how many people have been impacted by sexual assault and harassment.

Then, on Oct. 30, BuzzFeed reported that actor Anthony Rapp alleged that Spacey had made an unwanted sexual advance toward him in 1986. Rapp was 14 at the time, and Spacey was 26. Spacey issued an apology on Oct. 31, writing, "I honestly do not remember the encounter; it would have been over 30 years ago. But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years." In the same apology, Spacey made a public statement about his sexual orientation for the first time. The actor said he's had relationships with both men and women and now lives as a gay man. Some criticizedSpacey for including this in his apology, noting that it may conflate homosexuality with pedophilia in a way that is inappropriate, unfair, and harmful to the LGBTQ community.

This increasing public conversation surrounding sexual assault and harassment is an important step toward addressing a prevalent and dangerous societal issue. But the definition of sexual assault according to the law isn’t always clear. Here, we breakdown what legally constitutes sexual assault, harassment, and more. What does “sexual assault” actuallymean?

It’s actually harder to define than you’d think. According to the United States Department of Justice, sexual assault is “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” Sexual assault is basically an umbrella term that includes sexual activities such as rape, fondling, and attempted rape

However, the legal definition varies depending on which state you’re in, and can even be different depending on where you were when the assault happened, Emily Austin, director of advocacy services for California Coalition Against Sexual Assault, tells SELF. For example, she says, sexual assault on college campuses in California means a sex act that occurred without affirmative consent (which is described as active, voluntary participation), while California criminal law defines rape as nonconsensual sexual intercourse, and other laws govern different forms of sexual assault beyond intercourse. “It’s complex,” she admits.

The definitions can vary because of the way in which our laws are made, explains Rebecca O'Connor, vice president of public policy at the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the largest anti-sexual assault organization in the U.S. “On the state

level, because nothing is simple, the states have sovereignty over laws, and different legislatures and jurors have crafted different definitions of specific behaviors,” she tells SELF. Some states explicitly define rape or sexual assault and others may not, but fold that behavior under different terminology. “It runs the gamut,” she says, adding that states typically create these definitions with guidance from the Department of Justice. However, the details are crafted on a state level, often based on local cases that set a precedent for how sexual assault is phrased and determined.

Generally, sexual assault falls into one of three categories.Jennifer Gentile Long, the chief executive officer of AEquitas: The Prosecutors' Resource on Violence Against Women, a global project she co-founded in April 2009, tells SELF those include:

Penetration crimes Of a body part by another body part (i.e., penal penetration of mouth, anus, vagina) Of a body part by an object

Contact with genitalia, breast, buttocks, or other intimate body parts

Exposure of genitalia, breast, buttocks or other intimate body parts

According to Austin, sexual harassment can include sexual assault (such as rape and/or grabbing), but it’s also broader. Sexual harassment “includes creating a hostile environment, pervasive jokes/comments, looks, and body language that makes an individual feel harassed,” she says. But, again, the exact definition can vary by state.

As for “locker room talk,” experts say it's not usually a crime, but it can feed into a

culture of sexual harassment. “From a prosecution perspective, we are always thinking about how sexuality and sexual violence portrayed in media, music, film, video games, and culture, impacts the way jurors and criminal justice professionals evaluate evidence in a case and render just and fair decisions without bringing in misinformation and bias,” Long says. The more pervasive "locker room talk," the more likely people may be biased into thinking a crime like sexual harassment is normal and OK.O’Connor agrees, noting that it’s not a crime but still carries a lot of weight. “Any language or phrase that condones sexual violence is dangerous because it attempts to

brush away allegations of criminal behavior,” she says. O’Connor says sexual assault and

harassment is “woefully underreported” and “locker room talk” marginalizes victims.

(O’Connor also notes that RAINN’s hotline has had a 33 percent increase in sessions since Trump’s 2005 comments surfaced.)

However, in some situations, “locker room talk” could actually be seen as a form of sexual harassment, Austin says. She cites inappropriate jokes or pinup pictures in the

workforce as potentially creating a hostile work environment, which could fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment.

What should you do if you know or suspect that you’ve been a victim of sexual harassment or assault?

Austin recommends finding a sexual violence advocate near you, like a rape crisis center.

“Most sexual assault advocates have a certain level of privileged communication—they

can keep the conversation confidential, even against a subpoena,” she says. “This allows a survivor to really explore their options.” They can also set up evidence collection (like a rape kit) and contact law enforcement, if needed and you want to pursue your legal options. And, if you’re not exactly sure what to call the sexual violence you were the victim of, a counselor can help. Austin says this is a good option if the idea of going directly to the authorities is intimidating to you.

However, Long says you shouldn’t be afraid to report a crime. “I would encourage people

who have been the victim of rape and/or sexual assault to come forward and report the crime, and to expect to be treated with respect and dignity,” she says. “Regardless of whether one is willing or able to engage with the criminal justice system, I encourage each survivor to seek medical attention as well as support through a rape crisis center or a trauma-informed therapist.”

And, above all, O’Connor says it’s important to keep this in mind: “Know that it’s not OK, and it’s not the victim’s fault—ever.”

If you have been the victim of sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 or chat online at online.rainn.org.

& Check Out these Important Reads via LINKS BELOW

1) ᒪIᑎK TO TEEᑎ ᐯOGᑌE ᗩᖇTIᑕᒪE -“SELF CARE TIPS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS” ↣ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/self-care-tips-for-sexual-assault-survivors

& 2) ✵✱.ⒺⓍⒸⒺⓇⓅⓉ ⒻⓇⓄⓜ❊✫✽

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexual-assault-help

✪”WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY AFTER A SEXUAL ATTACK”

↦ "...In the immediate aftermath of a sexual assault, it can be hard know what to do or what to think. Before you do anything else, it’s important to make sure that you’re safe: “If you are still in immediate danger, call 911,” Katherine Hull Fliflet, vice president of communications at the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, tells Teen Vogue. If your attacker is still nearby, it’s important to get yourself to a safe place, preferably with a close friend or relative.

It’s also important to get one thing straight about what just happened: “Know that it was not your fault,” Fiflet says. Whatever you do next is up to you — it’s your body, your life, your mental health and well-being, and only you know what’s best for you. But if you do choose to seek assistance after sexual assault, there are many people who want to help you. Here’s what to expect, step by step, if you do choose to seek help.

If you want to reach out for help immediately after an assault, you want to reach out for help immediately after an assault, a good first action is to call the National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), where you can talk to a trained professional from a local sexual assault service provider. The hotline provides “24/7, judgment-free, and confidential help that can direct you to the nearest health center that cares for rape victims, or that handles sexual assault forensic exams,” Fliflet explains. Not comfortable speaking over the phone?

You can also access trained professionals online, which mirrors the help you’d receive via telephone.

The hotline platforms used by RAINN do not transcribe conversations or capture the IP address of those seeking help, so you can be sure your chat is 100% anonymous.

If you want to seek medical help after an assault, a local sexual assault service provider can assist you in finding the right kind of care, tell you what local hospitals treat rape survivors, and even accompany you to a medical center if you wish...”

See rest of article @ teen vogue (link above)

[kendraeagerstarborn]

The U S Governments definition of sexual assault & article from Self.com “ What Is Sexual Assault (and what Isn’t), According to The Law” by Korin Miller & links to 2 Teen Vogue articles with excerpt from 1- “What to Do Immediately After A Sexual Attack”

This post includes

1-How the GOVERNMENT DEFINES WHAT IS AND ISNT CONSENT LEGALLY from the New York State Sexual Violence Prevention Program website

(Along with my notes on the changes that need to be made to it so that all survivors can successfully prosecute their attackers as well as the legal loopholes to be wary of)

AND

2-Self.com’s 11/3/17 article “ What Is Sexual Assault (and what Isn’t), According to The Law” by Korin Miller

(This story helps explain the various state by state definitions of sexual assault and why it varies as well as how pop culture can influence or bias the court rulings of jurors in rape cases)

AND

3-Teen Vogue Article Links for

“SELF CARE TIPS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS”

&

“What to Do Immediately After A Sexual Attack” with partial excerpt

https://www.self.com/story/sexual-assault-definition =>Link for following article

Culture November 3, 2017Korin Miller

What Is Sexual Assault (and What Isn't), According to the Law

What actually constitutes sexual assault is not always clear.

Adrian Samson / Getty ImagesSexual assault and harassment have been in the news a lot lately, largely due to allegations against Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, as well as those that have been raised

against House of Cards actor Kevin Spacey.

First, a recap: On Oct. 5, The New York Times published an investigative report detailing a number of sexual harassment allegations women have made about Weinstein over the past three decades. In the weeks that followed, even more women came forward to share their own experiences with sexual assault and harassment. These allegations often had nothing to do with Weinstein; instead, women were sharing their stories using the hashtag #MeToo to show just how many people have been impacted by sexual assault and harassment.

Then, on Oct. 30, BuzzFeed reported that actor Anthony Rapp alleged that Spacey had made an unwanted sexual advance toward him in 1986. Rapp was 14 at the time, and Spacey was 26. Spacey issued an apology on Oct. 31, writing, "I honestly do not remember the encounter; it would have been over 30 years ago. But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years." In the same apology, Spacey made a public statement about his sexual orientation for the first time. The actor said he's had relationships with both men and women and now lives as a gay man. Some criticizedSpacey for including this in his apology, noting that it may conflate homosexuality with pedophilia in a way that is inappropriate, unfair, and harmful to the LGBTQ community.

This increasing public conversation surrounding sexual assault and harassment is an important step toward addressing a prevalent and dangerous societal issue. But the definition of sexual assault according to the law isn’t always clear. Here, we breakdown what legally constitutes sexual assault, harassment, and more. What does “sexual assault” actuallymean?

It’s actually harder to define than you’d think. According to the United States Department of Justice, sexual assault is “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” Sexual assault is basically an umbrella term that includes sexual activities such as rape, fondling, and attempted rape

However, the legal definition varies depending on which state you’re in, and can even be different depending on where you were when the assault happened, Emily Austin, director of advocacy services for California Coalition Against Sexual Assault, tells SELF. For example, she says, sexual assault on college campuses in California means a sex act that occurred without affirmative consent (which is described as active, voluntary participation), while California criminal law defines rape as nonconsensual sexual intercourse, and other laws govern different forms of sexual assault beyond intercourse. “It’s complex,” she admits.

The definitions can vary because of the way in which our laws are made, explains Rebecca O'Connor, vice president of public policy at the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), the largest anti-sexual assault organization in the U.S. “On the state

level, because nothing is simple, the states have sovereignty over laws, and different legislatures and jurors have crafted different definitions of specific behaviors,” she tells SELF. Some states explicitly define rape or sexual assault and others may not, but fold that behavior under different terminology. “It runs the gamut,” she says, adding that states typically create these definitions with guidance from the Department of Justice. However, the details are crafted on a state level, often based on local cases that set a precedent for how sexual assault is phrased and determined.

Generally, sexual assault falls into one of three categories.Jennifer Gentile Long, the chief executive officer of AEquitas: The Prosecutors' Resource on Violence Against Women, a global project she co-founded in April 2009, tells SELF those include:

Penetration crimes Of a body part by another body part (i.e., penal penetration of mouth, anus, vagina) Of a body part by an object

Contact with genitalia, breast, buttocks, or other intimate body parts

Exposure of genitalia, breast, buttocks or other intimate body parts

According to Austin, sexual harassment can include sexual assault (such as rape and/or grabbing), but it’s also broader. Sexual harassment “includes creating a hostile environment, pervasive jokes/comments, looks, and body language that makes an individual feel harassed,” she says. But, again, the exact definition can vary by state.

As for “locker room talk,” experts say it's not usually a crime, but it can feed into a

culture of sexual harassment. “From a prosecution perspective, we are always thinking about how sexuality and sexual violence portrayed in media, music, film, video games, and culture, impacts the way jurors and criminal justice professionals evaluate evidence in a case and render just and fair decisions without bringing in misinformation and bias,” Long says. The more pervasive "locker room talk," the more likely people may be biased into thinking a crime like sexual harassment is normal and OK.O’Connor agrees, noting that it’s not a crime but still carries a lot of weight. “Any language or phrase that condones sexual violence is dangerous because it attempts to

brush away allegations of criminal behavior,” she says. O’Connor says sexual assault and

harassment is “woefully underreported” and “locker room talk” marginalizes victims.

(O’Connor also notes that RAINN’s hotline has had a 33 percent increase in sessions since Trump’s 2005 comments surfaced.)

However, in some situations, “locker room talk” could actually be seen as a form of sexual harassment, Austin says. She cites inappropriate jokes or pinup pictures in the

workforce as potentially creating a hostile work environment, which could fall under the umbrella of sexual harassment.

What should you do if you know or suspect that you’ve been a victim of sexual harassment or assault?

Austin recommends finding a sexual violence advocate near you, like a rape crisis center.

“Most sexual assault advocates have a certain level of privileged communication—they

can keep the conversation confidential, even against a subpoena,” she says. “This allows a survivor to really explore their options.” They can also set up evidence collection (like a rape kit) and contact law enforcement, if needed and you want to pursue your legal options. And, if you’re not exactly sure what to call the sexual violence you were the victim of, a counselor can help. Austin says this is a good option if the idea of going directly to the authorities is intimidating to you.

However, Long says you shouldn’t be afraid to report a crime. “I would encourage people

who have been the victim of rape and/or sexual assault to come forward and report the crime, and to expect to be treated with respect and dignity,” she says. “Regardless of whether one is willing or able to engage with the criminal justice system, I encourage each survivor to seek medical attention as well as support through a rape crisis center or a trauma-informed therapist.”

And, above all, O’Connor says it’s important to keep this in mind: “Know that it’s not OK, and it’s not the victim’s fault—ever.”

If you have been the victim of sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 or chat online at online.rainn.org.

& Check Out these Important Reads via LINKS BELOW

1) ᒪIᑎK TO TEEᑎ ᐯOGᑌE ᗩᖇTIᑕᒪE -“SELF CARE TIPS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS” ↣ https://www.teenvogue.com/story/self-care-tips-for-sexual-assault-survivors

& 2) ✵✱.ⒺⓍⒸⒺⓇⓅⓉ ⒻⓇⓄⓜ❊✫✽

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexual-assault-help

✪”WHAT TO DO IMMEDIATELY AFTER A SEXUAL ATTACK”

↦ "...In the immediate aftermath of a sexual assault, it can be hard know what to do or what to think. Before you do anything else, it’s important to make sure that you’re safe: “If you are still in immediate danger, call 911,” Katherine Hull Fliflet, vice president of communications at the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, tells Teen Vogue. If your attacker is still nearby, it’s important to get yourself to a safe place, preferably with a close friend or relative.

It’s also important to get one thing straight about what just happened: “Know that it was not your fault,” Fiflet says. Whatever you do next is up to you — it’s your body, your life, your mental health and well-being, and only you know what’s best for you. But if you do choose to seek assistance after sexual assault, there are many people who want to help you. Here’s what to expect, step by step, if you do choose to seek help.

If you want to reach out for help immediately after an assault, you want to reach out for help immediately after an assault, a good first action is to call the National Sexual Assault hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), where you can talk to a trained professional from a local sexual assault service provider. The hotline provides “24/7, judgment-free, and confidential help that can direct you to the nearest health center that cares for rape victims, or that handles sexual assault forensic exams,” Fliflet explains. Not comfortable speaking over the phone?

You can also access trained professionals online, which mirrors the help you’d receive via telephone.

The hotline platforms used by RAINN do not transcribe conversations or capture the IP address of those seeking help, so you can be sure your chat is 100% anonymous.

If you want to seek medical help after an assault, a local sexual assault service provider can assist you in finding the right kind of care, tell you what local hospitals treat rape survivors, and even accompany you to a medical center if you wish...”

See rest of article @ teen vogue (link above)