kindalonely-huh

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 10:56pm

hi happy new year!

so its been a while, things between us have officially ended im in a better place and so is he, things seem to be going good for both of us. Hes talking to someone else and im getting to know someone and its the best place ive been mentally for a while. it feels wierd(this new boy) to be able to go to someones house and them not want to just have sex. them not to just want to do stuff. This new guy asks me if im okay during everything, he asked if i was comfortable all the time and doesnt try to push anything on me. he says it completely up to me whatever we do and its so reassuring. it makes me feel so safe no matter what i do. i dont know if im catching feelings but if i am i think im okay with it as i know that he wont do anything to purposely hurt me because i think he actually cares. me and my ex are on facetime and im so happy because hes finally got a good girl. hes happy and thats all ive wanted for him. its so nice to just be able to talk and it not be sad :) im glad were both in a good place its quite calming.

- things will always work out for the better if you let it (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 16:29

I take it back, I'm not completely over you. I saw you Thursday at a party we got drunk and I cried a lot. to you, over you, over the situation, it's awful I had 3 panic attacks. yes, I was drunk but it still doesn't stop the fact that those feelings were lingering and just came out at an awful time. we haven't spoken since and I respect that. I don't remember exactly what we said but I feel like I remember you saying you're sorry for everything and man that killed. I never wanted you to feel like it was all your fault, it was awful timing, and were young it wasn't all going to all work out easily, I don't believe our story is over yet but I think maybe we need a few chapters apart, character development and all that I guess. I still love you but I know we can't be together right now and I'm okay with that. I just wish this was all easier. I love you and please don't think i don't but we can't be together now <3

- sometimes you have to grow apart to grow together (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 22:51

I'm not sad all the time now, I've come to accept that if were meant to be we'll be but right now i know that its not our time. we talk briefly and I'm okay with it. i know this is what's best for us and i know your happy. I'm happy. i still have blips where i miss you and i still jump every time my phone vibrates incase you text but not the way i used to. i don't get sad if its not your name. I'm not waiting for you. i love you, yes but not in the way i used to. it's not a heart aching love. its love that will always be there. i did the impossible and accepted us. i love you endlessly but what's best for you is all i want. i don't want us to loose our friendship and i don't ever want to loose you completely. we have an induction week next week for sixth form/ college and ill see you then but that's fine. we'll deal with that. right now its just one day at a time, breath and look for the positive in every situation. I'm happy i let you go because i was still loosing myself but i now get to build myself back how I want to, not to please anyone else.

- Moving on is the most bittersweet feeling but its worth it (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 00:24

were on Ft and well I can finally say I think I'm over you, not saying this'll last forever but this seems to be it. were talking like mates. I'm not saying I don't love you anymore just accepted the fact that I might of finally moved on, I have no idea how long ill feel like this for but for now its a good feeling. I feel free and although I know I probably will fall back into I can try to keep myself out of it for now and also try to save myself. I may be able to stop the heartbreak if I just become heartless. I found out you've told another girl you love her and that didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would but I also know that you no longer love me. I also know that I will forever have love for you and care about you even if you don't feel the same because I once was in love with you and I will never be able to loose that. you are the one person I know that no matter what I could drop everything for and be there in a heartbeat because I will forever love you even if I love someone else.

- so this is the bittersweet feeling of falling out of love (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 12:13am

this one's different it doesn't include him this is about my mum, this is the way she treats me. I don't think anyone knows the full extent of how it is. how toxic this house is. the way I don't feel loved anymore. , I'm in the way like no matter what I do I couldn't be enough. she hates me. I will never be enough. she thinks ist use her for stuff or to get money but all I want is her love and support. I'm literally the disappointment but I'm used to that now, nothing I say or do will ever compare to my sister I don't want to be here anymore I don't want to do this and act like everything will be okay. my mum probably doesn't even wanna support me into my career but the minute I get to where I want to be in life she will come running saying that she's the reason I got there. It's beyond toxic but I'm used to it. I just can't keep crying every night.

-how comes the one place I'm supposed to feel safe makes me feel trapped (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 12:42am

you added me back a couple of nights ago, asked if we could speak about what happened, you asked if would tell you the truth so I did. you then told me one of my friends had a big mouth and now I don't trust her, I don't trust anyone I don't know how people closest to me seem to hurt me continuously over and over like I won't know. But you then face time me, it was odd to think that after a month you talk to me again like nothing happened, but why did I think this time would be any different? You unadded me again tonight but should I of expected different. after I asked how it went at the hospital, which I only asked because you told me about the appointment. I don't know what I did but I wish this didn't happen. I don't want you back but I miss our friendship. I miss the FaceTime's even just as friends. I miss the fact that if me and my mum weren't talking I would FaceTime you just so I knew someone cared. in our twisted way I knew you loved me. I knew deep down you cared deeply for me but now I know I fucked your trust and we won't ever go back to we were and I guess I have to accept that.

- why do I still want you in my life even though I know it brings us no good? (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 1:30am

i feel useless, like im a burden right? i don't know if its just me or what but i feel like things would be so much easier if i wasn't around peoples lives would be easier. things should've got better by now. i had a few days of feeling happy but i dropped last night and tonight’s even worse i relapsed completely i sat in the shower and cried while watching it all run down the drain. I’ve completely shut everyone out. I’m ignoring my best friend, i’ve hurt one of the people i care about the most and finally figured out why i go back to him every time and it all comes down to this. When he’s not around i seem to hurt other people, when he is around he hurts me and I’d rather be the one who’s hurting than hurt someone else. See I’m ignoring my best friend because she just sends me videos of her out at other peoples or in the back of cars drunk with boys and as happy as i am for her it hurts because she doesn't invite me and i know its because i’ll say no as i have an extremely strict mum but at least ask to meet me during the day. i hurt this boy. i told him i liked him and its true i do i really do but I'm petrified. i know he’ll get hurt either way and if i back out now it stops him getting hurt later on. He’s such a nice guy and he’s so sweet to me and i adore him so much but it’s so difficult because i come with so much baggage and I know he can’t handle it and its easier to push him away so he doesn’t have to feel bad for leaving. no one’s been able to stick around when i tell them. so i stopped telling people. they stopped knowing things about me. everyone thinks i tell them things but I don't and whoever I open up to next i can guarantee they’ll leave and when that day comes ill accept the fact that i’m completely unlovable and that’s okay not everyone can have a happy ever after, some of us are supposed to give out love but aren’t aloud to receive it 

- i know im difficult but maybe someone will stay? (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time 23:45

you text me after 3 days. this is all really a game, you asked if you can come over tomorrow and I don't know what I’ll reply. few more shots and I’ll be drunk enough to reply but sober enough to know i shouldn’t of replied. No one knows how bad i want to start drinking some nights, if i wanna forget anything i drink, i wanna feel something, i drink. i need temporary happiness, i drink. i find the comfort in a bottle of vodka the same way i did in your arms. just i don’t get the heartbreak from vodka the way you gave it to me. i wanna ask you some questions. what enjoyment do you get breaking me over and over? how can you tell me you love me but still act like this? why me? what made me special? did you see me and think hmm yeah ill go for her? or was it just chance. i have so many questions only you can answer but wont. 

- i saw the red flags and painted them green (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 00:03AM

I’ve been on delivered for 2 days. its like your avoiding me on purpose, like you know your hurting me, you know that it breaks me when you cut all contact but then again why else would you do this? you know that no matter what I cant let go and I cant wait for the day I actually realise I can. I’m sick of you always having control over me and as much as i try to take control I cant, I cant do it. you always have the upper hand. its weird to think this time last week we were fine and I thought things would look better but there not. were not okay. I think I’m holding on because of the hope that when we leave school things will work out and that we will do what we said but I don't think we will I don’t think we’ll ever work out because you say you love me but leave like you don’t. I thought you fight for the person you love not leave them when they possibly need you the most. there’s so much I wish I could tell you but cannot physically put into words and say because I’m scared of how you’ll react. I wanna tell you this is over but I’m scared you’ll be okay with it. Like it meant nothing to you at all. I just want things to work out I want you to love me and to care but I know I will never get that because I’m not what you want.

- how can I let go when your the thing keeping me alive (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 10:24am

were drifting, that's all I've got to say. your walking away and I promised myself this time I would be in control I wouldn't get hurt but apparently that didn't happen. I miss you like crazy, I was supposed to see you Saturday but I don't know if that's gonna happen or not. I just wish things could work out differently for us but we go through the same thing every time. my heart hurts so badly, its the same thing over and over and everyone tells me this has to be end, I have to move on but I physically cant yet. my whole body aches to see you, I want us to work out but I don't know how I feel anymore you don’t want it but you will not let go of me. I don't know why but you wont. It’s breaking me though. I can’t let go because you won’t. it’s impossible.

- please don’t let this be the end (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 13:43 

I didn't wake up on time yesterday and you called me. you rang me to wake me up and make sure I was on my lesson. you made sure i was doing school. we was on FaceTime all day and it was nice. it felt normal, we joked around and spoke like always. I told you about the fact we said last time would be the last time and you just said that we say it every time. I rambled about how eventually it would come a time that we would end and you just said we would enjoy the time we have until that does happen. my big mouth said that “if” it happens and you said yeah if. it gave me hope but that candle burnt faster than it lit. I've been enjoying poetry. moving on is so hard but sometimes reading that other people are doing it as well helps and makes me think that maybe there is hope that I can do it and everyone says that i actually have to move on now but I don't want to. its you till the end. that's my life. Its you only you and nobody can change that. we may not be perfect for each other but I don't want perfect if its not you.

- i love you and nobody can ever change my mind (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 23:20

you told me you still loved me less than 2 weeks ago and now your gone again, what do you want from me? what am i doing that is so wrong? i thought we were fine before this but you thought different obviously. what did i do wrong? ive actually blocked you this time. you cant text me not now. i cant block your number. i still wanna know theres a way you can contact me. i want you too. i fucking love you. i didnt say it when you told me because i know this would hurt atleast 2x more if i had told you but i cant take this anymore. we said we’d try this once more and you left so now i know you never wanted us to get back together. im pushing everyone away now i dont want anyone around cause your not here. why would i ever want anyone else?

- you said i love you as easy as a hello (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 15:40 

were back in a lockdown, I'm not going to see you for a few months again, I saw you yesterday yes but its not the same. you told me you still loved me yesterday and I didn't say it back but we both know i do. you told me your scared and that you don't want to get hurt but deep down you know I wont. I couldn't do that to you. I love you too much. we cuddled for hours and I felt safe. the safest I've ever felt with someone. I'm forever going to hold a place in my heart even if there's no longer room for me in yours. I couldn't let go of what we had and i will forever look for something similar to what you gave me but I hope it doesn't come to that and we end up forever because i love you and don't want to imagine a life without you.

- your my person even if I cant be yours (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time: 3:03am 

I saw you today, well technically yesterday. I left you standing outside in the cold for an hour which wasn't exactly my fault I was asleep and it was early. but you didn’t leave. you told me you want to try one more time. my heart is so full now you said that and so is my brain but my brain also knows the damage my heart forgot. I care about you too much and I spoke to my best friend and she said she wont be mad but it’ll break her heart if she sees me broken again. I’m considering getting back together but I don’t know how ill take it if we break up. today was perfect. all of it except the argument with mum. but I asked to face time you and and then you asked why which was weird, you never cared why  wanted to face time but you did and you cared about me. you didn’t end it until you heard me laugh properly and I longed for you to say those three words you’d told me before. I wanted you to tell me you loved me and that was it but you wont because your scared but so am I but the difference is I can figure out my brain but I cant figure out yours. I love you okay and one day ill show you these and maybe then you’ll understand.

 - I wish you knew how much i loved you and what i would do for you (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time 2:35am 

why do you come back to hurt me? after two months i cant move on because you put it in my head that there's a chance for us to work, I'm sitting here crying over the fact that I know that no matter what happens I cant fully let go of you. your the one I want and ill always care about you. I feel safe with you and only you but I don't get how you can make me feel so damn important yet so broken. its like you come back every time I start feeling okay just to drag me down until I start over again. I cant let go. I wont let go. I love you and deep down you think you love me. but we all know you like the look of me. I lost all my self worth. I've sent my body to more boys in the last two months than i have in the last 16 years of my life because hey? if you didn't want anything else why would anyone else. but its 2:39 and I cant sleep because I'm praying to the stars to align me and you one more time in hope they stay together and we work.....

- I need to let go but what if this time is different? (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time 16:07

you added me back, you told people it was because you felt bad but we both know its more than that. you started talking to the girl i accused you of getting with and then stopped, why? you obviously wanted her if you could leave me. you added yourself to my private story which means your okay with keeping tabs on me and you’ve not once messaged me but also haven't deleted any messages, I wanna know what your problem is, why are you doing this to me like why play me over and over again because i am not someone you can pick up when you want. I'm not someone who will forever wait for you because you told me you get bored quickly and I knew this would happen but I didn't want it to. I was ready to fight for both of us but you couldn't deal with that or the fact I only wanted you. I say I cant put up with your shit anymore but I'm ready to go back to you in a heartbeat because your the only person I actually truly love and the only one id risk everything for because I fell for you and I don't think you even stepped off the ledge.....

how is it you can hurt me but I still love you? ~ (T.S)

[kindalonely-huh]

current time 19;52

you did it, you left, and you took a huge piece of me with you. you left halloween you told me to give up and stop fighting for us and i won't lie to you but that broke me. i never imagined what it was like to loose you for good but now i know and it's nowhere easy as i thought it might be. i was toxic and pushed you away but i never expected you to leave properly. i miss you like crazy and seeing you everyday is breaking me. i wish things ended so different i wish they never turned bitter and i wish things that were said could be taken back. if i could i’d tell you i loved you and no matter what it was you but i just want you to be happy and i just want you to have the life you wanted even if that means you don't have me. i won't lie and say that i've been doing fine because i haven't. i'm not eating im not sleeping properly and i have this huge weight pushing down on me but its not your fault. how could it be? i did this to myself and i wish i could take it all back. there will always be home for you with me if you need it 

i love you and i'm sorry i pushed you away...