This isnât my regular content, but these are some of my characters for Hyper Danganronpa that I posted on my personal blog. Iâd really appreciate it if youâd visit that blog and check them all out. ^^
Hyper Danganronpa Bios (Igarashi, Kajiwara)
Hey all, my art is shit and I forgot to crop out some of the stuff in the background but I wanted to post these bios here anyway. Iâll start with the ones that arenât already on the internet and move onto the ones that are stranded on my Wordpress blog after that. Iâm posting them two at a time so that I donât annoy anyone. You can read Hyper Danganronpa here on Archive Of Our Own.Â
Akira Igarashi, Super High School Level Good LuckÂ
Gender: Male
Height: 178 cm
Birthday: May 21st
Sign: Gemini
Blood Type: AB
Likes: Hiking
Dislikes: Motorcycles
Not much is known about him besides the fact that he hails from an exotic village in the mountains. While he gives great value to folklores such as demons, spirits, and auras, he gives a lot of focus to hope and despair. Is known for rambling on and on without ever reaching his point.
Kaoru Kajiwara, Super High School Level Tactician
Gender: Female
Height: 172 cm
Birthday: June 28th
Sign: Cancer
Blood Type: O
Likes: Embroidery
Dislikes: Vinegar
An observant colonel who has a gilded family name thanks to the past success of Hopeâs Peak Academy many years before she was born. Though very emotional at heart, she was taught to perceive these emotions as weakness and suppress them at a very early age as not to appear feminine in front of her father and brothers. Though this pains her even today, it has made her perception impeccable and her investigation skills otherworldly. Is known for eating everything with a knife and fork.
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 7
Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, where the girls are mean and the plot is shitty. In the last chapter, we suffered through Arianaâs visit to the hospital where she did nothing to show her sympathy for Italy past bringing a Walmart cake and starting a food fight with her counterpartâs worst enemy. Not only that, but we also learned that Sealand is not only the god of rowing his boat but also the worst friend ever. In this chapter...well, letâs see what the title says will happen.
Chapter 7: Ice Cream and Ill Humor
Remember how chapter 5âs title (Hamburgers and Hurt) was the third worst title? This one is the second worst title. Yes, folks, it gets even worse than this. While ice cream does make a prominent appearance in this chapter, âIll Humorâ is just referring to the fact that this chapter is serious in comparison to the food fights and implied attempted sexual assault in the last chapters. It wouldâve been a much better idea to make the second word something related to the backstory which makes this chapter more serious instead of making the chapter proclaim itself as being serious in its title. And if you want to alliterate with an easier letter than âIâ, you couldâve used a close synonym like âGelatoâ or âSundaesâ or a synecdoche like âConesâ . âGelato and Guiltâ, âSundaes and Sadnessâ or âCones and Confessionsâ, for example, would have all been much better titlesâŠthough really anything would be better than âIce Cream and Ill Humorâ.
Ariana woke up the next morning and rubbed her eyes, before re-rubbing them when she noticed something on her nightstand.
Then she rubbed her eyes again when she remembered the shenanigans that took place last chapter, and again when she realized that she was in a bad fanfiction. Then she chafed her eyes and couldnât use them anymore.
She picked it up, and found it to be a cold container covered with a thin layer of ice.
I mean, by that point, it should be obvious to Ariana that itâs ice cream.
She scraped off some of the ice on the container to see two words labeling the small container; ICE CREAM. "What the�" she asked to nobody, wondering why there was suddenly ice cream on her nightstand.
Not only is there suddenly ice cream, but since thereâs still ice on the surface, that means that the culprit mustâve left the room directly before she woke up. If the culprit left it any earlier, then it wouldnât be icy anymore. HmâŠ.
âŠ.
"ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!" After hearing this echo through her dreams, Allison shot up to see what was going on. Expecting to see something dangerous,
What could possibly be dangerous about a person shouting âice cream, ice cream, ice creamâ??
she instead saw her gender swap jumping up and down and swooning over a container of what seemed to be vanilla ice cream.
"What the hell are you doing?" Allison asked America. "And how do you have ice cream?"
He couldâve gotten it from the freezerâŠthough either way, that first question is totally justified. What the hell is he doing?
"I came in here to wake you up, and found this ice cream on your forehead! I thought you didn't want it, so I took it!" America explained ecstatically.
Wait, how was the culprit able to put a container of ice cream on her forehead without waking her up and without the ice cream falling onto the ground when she turned over in her sleep? And why would America see that ice cream on his counterpartâs forehead and take it with the intention to eat it? And if the culprit (assuming itâs the same person) just struck in the UK, then how did they get to the United States so quickly and break into the White House all without letting the ice cream melt??
"Hey, I still want it!" Allison said. She jumped from her bed and tackled America, and began to wrestle the ice cream from his hands.
Behold, a twelve year old girl wrestling the United States of Fucking America for a tiny container of ice cream that would be so cheap to buy at your local convenience store that even I could afford it! Genderswapped Nations, everyone!
âŠ.
Iscah woke up to the Baltic States looking over her holding something. "What are you holding?" she asked.
All three of them are holding it at the same time. Itâs like Light as a Feather, Thick as a Board but with ice cream.
"I-it's something we found on your bedside, M-miss Iscah," Latvia said nervously.
"Well, then let me have it," Iscah said. Latvia shakily handed the item to Iscah, and then he and the other two Baltics left Iscah's bedroom quickly. Iscah rubbed some of the ice off the odd item once they were gone, and discovered that it was vanilla ice cream.
Well, that scene was totally pointless. Hopefully thatâs the end of things because this chapter is quickly beginning to look likeâ
âŠ.
Louella woke up earlier than usual, and then prepared some food for her, Germany, and Felicity. After she finished her food and Germany finished his, she entered Felicity's room and set the food on her nightstand gently, before going to her room again to find something weird on her bed. She walked over to the odd thing and picked it up, and found its surface to be icy. She scraped off some of the ice, and found in blocky letters written on the side, 'ICE CREAM'. "How odd," Louella thought.
Are we really going through this same song-and-dance for every girl? Itâs not like their reactions are that different, they just do normal things youâd expect their counterparts to do and then itâs like âoh look, ice cream!â, and thatâs if youâre LUCKY.
âŠ.
Kierra woke up and got some tea from Japan,
Out of context this sounds really funny, like this girl goes to the nation of Japan specifically to get tea and then goes home to who-knows-whereland.
before returning back to her room later to straighten up her bed. However, when she made her bed, she saw a small lump underneath the covers. So she lifted the covers, and discovered ice cream. "Who in the world would sneak into my bedroom and give me ice cream?" she thought.
Better question: How in the world did you make your bed without seeing the ice cream first?
âŠ.
Francisca drowsily woke up, and immediately felt a presence behind her. She turned around, and balanced on her bed's headboard, found ice cream instead of an intruder.
Eww, the ice cream has an aura? Itâs got to be moldy, then.
She took it off the headboard and inspected it, wondering, "Who put this here? It couldn't have been FranceâŠ"
Why not? Is he too good to serve convenience store vanilla ice cream?
âŠ.
Yiesha yawned and woke up,
It sure is lucky that everyoneâs waking up at the exact same time despite time zone differences!
before giving her panda plush a big hug. But instead of warmth from the hug, she felt coldness. "What's wrong, feeling bad, aru?" she asked the plush.
Yieshaâs supposed to be fifteen, by the way. Do you know any fifteen year olds who believe that their stuffed animals are living, sentient beings that can be in bad moods and assume that people are physically colder when theyâre in bad moods? No? Yeah, thatâs what I thought.
But upon further inspection, she found that her panda was clutching a container of ice cream. "How did that get there?" she thought.
How did that get there?? Of all of these occurrences, this one is easily the least plausible. I could believe that Allison could sleep through having ice cream placed on her forehead since Iâm still not convinced that she can feel anything yet, but how do you put cold ice cream in the arms of a teddy bear being embraced by a sleeping person without said sleeping person waking up to notice??
âŠ.
Mattie woke up to a phone call. She got out of her bed, and answered the phone. "Hello, Mattie speaking," she said.
I can already tell that this is gonna end well.
"Mattie! Mattie!" Allison's shouting from the phone caught her by surprise.
"What?" She asked.
"Dude, check your nightstand! I just found some ice cream on mine!" Allison said.
No you didnât, your counterpart found ice cream on your forehead! Or did you get two for some reason? Boo, you donât deserve it!!
"Really?" Mattie questioned.
"Yeah, no kidding!" Allison said.
Mattie hung up and ran to her nightstand and searched around everywhere, but found nothing. "I guess I got forgotten againâŠ" she thought sadly.
Thatâs a slap in the fucking face. Why even do that? Spoilers, the ice cream is supposed to be comfort ice cream to help the counterparts through this difficult time with Italy, so this just makes it extra hurtful.
Even still though, I feel like Iâve been arbitrarily doubling my additions to the Canada/Mattie Abuse counter enough as it is, so thatâll just be one point. Donât worry, the story will make up for it later.
--CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE +1
âŠ.
Felicity woke up to breakfast on her nightstand, which looked great. She ate it quickly, and then fell asleep again.
Man, I wish my mornings were like that.
When she woke up again, she found a huge chocolate fudge sundae on her nightstand. "Dessert?" she questioned excitedly, before discovering a notecard beside the base. It read, 'Sorry about Italy. From, Anonymous'. She looked at the card oddly, before grabbing the sundae and beginning to eat carelessly.
And then it was probably poisoned? With the ongoing threat Prussiaâs been (apparently), this seems a little careless. Heâs inhabiting the same house as this girl right now, so I imagine she should be a lot more wary about this mysterious hot fudge sundae.
Then again, itâs Felicity and her only character trait is being a moron, so I guess thereâs nothing to do about it.
âŠ.
At about the same time Felicity got her ice cream, Ariana was eating her ice cream on the shore, but noticed Sealand wasn't on his rig like he usually would be.Â
Iâm not even going to question how that works with the time zones and not letting the ice cream melt.
"Where could he possibly be?" She turned to her left, and said, "At least I've got you, Flying Mint Bunny!"
"Yeah, I'll always be right here by your side!" the imaginary creature said gleefully.
Ariana talked and played with Flying Mint Bunny,
Embrace this moment while you can, folks, because this is the last time that Flying Mint Bunny appears and the last time that Ariana is really characterized in the same way a Flanderized England would be. From hereon out, sheâs just a Mary-Sue who whines a lot. Really makes the âIâll always be right hereâ line pretty ironic, actually.
until she heard splashing to her right. She turned around, and saw someone running at a high speed across the water. It then leaped onto Sealand's rig, confusing Ariana. "Why would Sealand leave his rig?" she thought, continuing to eat her ice cream.
She sees her best friend running on water like Jesus and thatâs her only question??
But then she took the lid to the ice cream container and noticed a logo- with Sealand's face in a shaky- looking chibi form as the centerpiece.
"It was Sealand!" Ariana exclaimed to Flying Mint Bunny.
"Yeah, figure that out yourself, Sherlock?" the bunny teased.
Apparently so, and itâs very strange that it took this long for ANYONE to notice. Nobody knew who it was, but with Sealand printing his mug on every container, how could they not? I guess heâs a little-known micronation, but even still, what?
"Oh, shut up! Who needs you?" Ariana shouted in anger, shooing the bunny away. It floated away in melancholy.
Well, goodbye forever, Flying Mint Bunny. You were a great ally for as long as you lasted. I salute you.
In the corner of her eye, she noticed bright orange float from the rig. Once again, Sealand leaped into the orange raft and paddled like mad until he hit the shore Ariana was on,
Whyâs he bothering with the raft when we just learned that he can walk on fucking water?
before sitting down beside Ariana. "Hey, Ariana, where'd you get the ice cream?" he asked.
"I found it on my nightstand this morning," Ariana said, joking with the boy by keeping her knowledge of his ice cream a secret.
They both know that the ice cream exists, so what does this even mean?
"Do you know who it's from?" Sealand asked, his voice being cracked by giggles.
"Yeah," Ariana said.
"Who?"
Ariana poked Sealand in the chest. "You."
Oh my GOD theyâre flirting. GOD! THE POLICE! CALL SOMEONE! NOOOOOO!!
Sealand looked surprised. "How did you figure me out?"
Ariana simply held up the lid of the container, showing Sealand's odd chibi face.
Sealand face palmed. "I tried to cover it with white-out, but it didn't work! I feel dumb now!"
There are only two ways how that could be possible; either the white-out was removed when the ice was wiped off the cup or he never tried to use white-out in the first place. Either way, why would he print the containers like that if he didnât want anyone to know that it was him?
"Don't feel dumb," Ariana said, ruffling Sealand's hair for no reason whatsoever.
Wait, so are they flirting or not? That seemed like the sort of thing that would be written to shut down a shipping attempt, but theyâre definitely flirting. The Principality of Sealand has existed since the fifties or sixties! Heâs young by a countryâs standards but heâd still be robbing the cradle if he and Ariana dated! Like, can you even imagine that? Ewwww! Not to mention, Sealand is supposed to hate England! Why, then, would he turn around and try to fuck his female counterpart?!
"Anyone who can sneak into my room without me noticing is pretty clever."Â "Except Francisca,"Â she thought.
Ew, not with this again.
"Ariana, I have something to ask you," Sealand said.
"Yes, what is it?" Ariana asked.
"Do youâŠÂ like me?"
OH MY GOD! NO! NO! NOOO! CALL THE NAVY SEALS! CALL THE COAST GUARD! CALL THE ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE! CALL ANYBODY! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SAVE US FROM THIS MESS!
Ariana responded in shock, "Not in that way! Just as a friend!"
Sealand looked sadly to the waves lapping on the shore. "Oh, okay then."
"Look, its okay," Ariana said, putting her head down too so she could look at Sealand. "I can't like you. At home, I had a boyfriend."
Iâm almost surprised by that fact, not only because sheâs thirteen but because sheâs relatively unappealing as a person.
"What do you mean, 'at home'? Don't you live here?" Sealand asked with a puzzled look.
"Not always. I kind of only came to live here after I got kidnapped," Ariana explained.
"By that English twit?" Sealand asked roughly.
"No, by Prussia," Ariana said.
Wait, shouldnât Sealand know this information already? If theyâre such good friends, then how didnât this come up sooner?
"And then he made me despise him more by attacking the most loveable guy I know, Italy."
"Can't you just ask to go back home?" Sealand asked.
"The thing is⊠I'm not sure if I want to anymore," Ariana said, looking down. "I've made so many friends here in Europe, and I don't want to lose any one of them."
Yeah, your beloved European friends! Youâve got Sealand, umâŠnobody else that I can think of since you like to randomly antagonize everyone elseâŠYeah! All of those valuable European friends that you should remain missing in the U.S. for!
"But⊠What about your parents? They must be so worried," Sealand said.
"Being the youngest out of four, I'm often ignored. I doubt anyone even notices I'm gone yet." Tears began to run down the British girl's cheeks.
What the shit? This is coming right the fuck out of nowhere. Like, where was the prompting? Also, four isnât a lot of children and sheâs the baby of the family. Of course theyâre going to know sheâs gone. And even if itâs not a normal family situation and her parents are abusive or something, then theyâll still take notice if their youngest daughter is gone. She wonât want to go back and they may not seek her out, sure, but it would be impossible to just disregard. Not to mention, sheâs a bright-eyed blond little white girl. Her disappearance is not going to go unnoticed by the American media.
"I was outside when I got kidnapped. I always went outside. Getting away from the world where everyone ignores me to a world where anything is possible just felt like a miracle."
Wouldnât this backstory be a lot more understandable if she were the middle child in a family of, like, ten? Or if she was adopted or something? Then her origins could be obscured enough that you could reveal later on that sheâs actually a full-blooded Brit. And evidently she isnât totally ignored since they bought her an iPod or an MP3 player or something for her to get kidnapped from, so itâs just super nonsensical. You can tell that I made this up on the spot.
"I think I understand now," Sealand said, before glancing to the empty container of ice cream in Ariana's hand. "So, do you want more ice cream? I can go get some."
Hold up, when the hell did she eat it? I think I missed something. Unless she was stuffing her face while crying and giving Sealand her entire lifeâs story, then that container should still be mostly full.
"No thanks," Ariana said, standing up and walking away and left Sealand sitting on the shore by himself.
Wow, cold! What the fuck? And it just ends after that. Thatâs all, folks.
I admit, this chapter was a little less funny than some of the other chapters, because I've wanted to explain the back stories of some of the gender swaps.
Feh, I wouldnât feed that horrible backstory to my cat.
Next up is going to be Iscah, I think. Not sure yet :3
Great, letâs read about the character whoâs been repurposed into a memetic molester. Iâm soooo excited to see you defend her actions up to now. Anyway, you heard the woman. Thatâs what weâve got in store for us next time. Exclusively. Without any B-story or relevance to the âplotâ. Yaaaaaaay.
(CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE COUNTER= 13)
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more about you?
Sure, more about me.Â
I donât like putting my real name on the internet because itâs relatively uncommon, so you can just call me Kit or Kitty like I say in my About box. Iâm a current sophomore in college studying Writing and Political Science and Iâve been writing since I was four (which is technically before I could write personally, but I liked having my mom write down my stories for me).Â
Iâve been a part of the âbad fanfiction communityâ since I first discovered the likes of My Immortal and Light and Dark: The Adventures of Dark Yagami in middle/high school. Then I fell in love with writing trollfics (like Holland Trees and Holland Trees, SHSL Drama Queen on my DeviantArt) mostly because I have a stupid sense of humor. That being said, my biggest claim to fame right now (because no one ever reads what I write aaaaaaa) is that I made the TvTropes pages for Chlorine Grown Roses and Morganite, two fairly awful fanfictions. AkiTommichan even mentioned me in a journal entry!...even if she thought I was a boy.Â
Iâm on a bunch of different websites as Kittymonk, but Iâve also gone by Pandapika, Pandaknight (of Space), and Pandamonk (of Space) before. Iâve got a few of my accounts listed in the header on my blog, so feel to check them out. Most of them are inactive because Iâm very rarely active on the internet, rip.
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 6
Hello all, welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the only fanfic where youâll find a bunch of teenage girls beginning World War III and then sweeping such a world-ending, war-inspiring incident under the rug and turning it in to a simple trip to the hospital. Last time, as you may or not remember, we learned that Italyâs been attacked by Prussia and a âfew other countriesâ, apparently only emerging alive because âa couple of other countriesâ intervened. Romano has told Germany and the swaps that he is in very bad conditionâbad enough that they werenât able to visit him last chapterâbut since this new chapter is a new day in the life of our resident Sue-riana, our chances will probably be better now. So then, letâs immerse ourselves in this mixed-up reality again and check on our good pal Italy to make sure heâs okay.
Chapter 6: Respite and Rigs
If ârespiteâ means that the narration will calm down and start to go into detail about the things weâre seeing and the ways our characters are feeling for once without jumping to random threatening phone calls and villainous nonsense in order to make it seem like somethingâs going on when nothingâs happening, then Iâll gladly take it.
Not only that, but if the title is any indication, then it looks like we can expect some Sealand in this new chapter. Oh boy, yes, do just the opposite of what I asked you to do last chapter. Involve Sealand and ruin him somehow. Please, I like to be tortured.
Felicity was going to stay at Germany's house with Louella until Italy was okay again. The hospital had given the gender swaps permission to visit Italy, while Romano and Felicity were always allowed.
I donât understand this, really. Felicity could just stay at Italyâs since Romano would be thereâI mean, he has the patience to deal with his brother, so he should have the patience to deal with his swapâand the swaps specifically shouldnât have limited access to see him. If anything, the hospital should be more wary of Germany since he sort of enabled his brother to carry through with this attack in the first place. If Germany had cracked the whip right after this whole kidnapping incident and talked to his brother about his motivations and intentions, this attack may not have happened in the first place. Then you can have some dramatic tension where Germany realizes that he shares some of the blame and refuses to visit the hospital because of his guilt, but then Felicity shows up and convinces him that Italy doesnât blame him for anything and asks him to come by.
...Wow, I just came up with a fanfic plot better than all 20 of these chapters combined in the matter of a minute or two. I should take note of this little plot of mine, I might make something out of it one day.
"Come on, England, I want to bring something that tastes good," Ariana complained.
"What do you mean, Ariana? My scones taste wonderful!" England said. He forced the container of scones into Ariana's arms, because she was about to go visit Italy.
Well come on, heâs already in the hospital. Even if you poison him, a nurseâll be right there. Itâs not like youâd be putting him in that much danger.
She exited the door,
I just really like this line for some reason. Sorry for cutting out a line so short, I just...really like the descriptiveness here.
and once she was far from England's house, she dumped the scones into a trash can and instead bought a small cake.
As funny as this is, I canât help but think it would have meant a lot more to Italy if you brought homemade food instead of something purchased from a grocery store bakery. Even if the food looks and tastes terrible, itâs the thought that counts.
She entered the hospital.
Is this going to become a trend? Because I like it.
Ariana checked the note card in her pocket with Italy's room number on it, and she searched around only slightly before she found Italy's room. When she entered, she noticed Felicity and Romano were right by Italy's side, and Louella and Germany were sitting in a couch in the room, looking at the floor, perhaps because they didn't want to be too worried. Ariana was glad to hear Italy talking to his brother and gender swap like nothing had happened.
I have to wonder what time of day it is right now. Are these really the only other guests he has right now? Italy? Considering that these guys have probably been in the room since the hospital first let them in, it makes me sort of sad to think of how few people showed up.
Everyone didn't notice Ariana until she put the cake, which read 'Get Well Soon', on a table there. Felicity, Italy, and Romano turned around to look at Ariana, while Germany and Louella both glanced at her before looking away.
She didnât just set the cake down, she slammed it against the table to command everyoneâs attention. Thatâs the only reason why such a simple action as that rather than the footsteps and the new presence in the room tipped them off to a new visitor.
Italy said, "Hey, look, Germany, its Britain's gender swap!", but even still Germany didn't meet his gaze.
Mysteriously, even though this entire fic is based off of the English dub where England is only called Britain, this is the only chapter besides the second one (which is just an offhanded mention) where England is called Britain in the entire fic and it only occurs three times. Hm.
Ariana thought she saw Romano scowl just a bit when his younger brother called for Germany.
"Do you think you could serve some slices of that cake?" Felicity asked Ariana. She nodded, and pulled out a plastic butter knife.
Okay, sue me for asking, but...why was Ariana randomly carrying around a plastic butter knife for just such an occasion as this?
She proceeded to cut six pieces from the cake and served them to everyone in the room, with one left over for her.
After Ariana ate her cake, she went over to Felicity and asked, "So, is he going to be okay?"
Yes, let us eat cake before we ask about the person who almost just died the other day! Your entire purpose for coming to this hospital was to check up on Italy, Ariana! Did you forget about that and decide it was cake time instead?
"Yeah, he's going to be fine," Felicity said. "When Romano said he was 'really hurt', he was being kind of overdramatic. All that really happened is that he broke his leg and has a small bruise on his forehead."
"I wasn't being overdramatic! You don't think breaking a leg is terrible?" Romano shouted.
"No, it doesn't hurt that bad anymore," Italy answered.
Romano growled a little after he realized what Felicity had said about being overdramatic was true,
But Germany acted like it was this big deal and he almost died last chapter even though he said that Italy was fine. So now we have Romano saying that heâs âreally hurtâ and Germany taking away from this description that heâs âfineâ but simultaneously acting like Italy almost died, and now both reactions are asinine since all he has is a broken leg and a random bruise on his forehead. Heâs a country, he could get over that in a few days at most. I know itâs the principle of the attack that matters, but itâs still ridiculous that such a big deal was made over a broken leg and a bruise. America achieved the same injuries after lunging at a cup of ice cream in the animeâI think Italy will survive.
and Ariana glanced over to Germany and Louella, who still had their full cake slices on their plates.
"Why aren't you eating?" Ariana asked.
"We're not hungry," Louella said.
"And besides, who would eat cake when someone gets hurt? It's like you're celebrating it or something." Germany added.
You know, Germany actually has a good point. Bringing food to the hospital usually isnât the tradition. Usually when someone in a family is in the hospital, well-wishers send food to the household. The patient usually has plenty of hospital food and, at least from my experience, itâs not half bad.
"I guess you're right," Ariana said. "But it was either a cake or England's scones."
"Oh, well then you definitely made the right decision." A voice sounded from the door, and Ariana (And everyone else in the room) turned around.
Thatâs the perfect metaphor for this entire fic; Ariana does something, then everyone else does exactly what Ariana did in unison.
At the door were Francisca and France, Francisca holding a platter. The one who had spoken was France.
Iâm glad you made that distinction, narration, because it easily could have been either of these enormous stereotypes.
Romano sweated a little. "Well, Veneziano, it's been nice, but I have to go now. Bye!" He said quickly, before running for the door at the sight of France.
"But big brother, I-" Italy began, before noticing Romano was already out the door and stopping his sentence.
Heâs...running in the direction of France to avoid him? Man, this is like Iscah and Allison in the closet all over again!
"Hey, I want some cake, too!" Francisca said, with a cat smile on her face.
"Don't leave me out!" France said with the same face. Ariana looked to Louella and Germany, who handed their cakes to her. She then proceeded to throw the cakes at the French people's faces. Their expressions didn't change as the cakes slowly slid down their faces and hit the floor.
Thatâs probably the worst usage of an appositive in place of a pronoun Iâve ever seen in my life. French people. You know that Francisca isnât really even French, right? Also, those two had ample time to figure out that Ariana was going to throw the cakes and preemptively get out of the way. They were basically asking for it.
"How rude," Francisca said to Ariana.
"Well, she doesn't have to have any of our food," France said to his gender swap.
"Hey, I didn't throw any cakes or anything, so I get your food, right?" Felicity asked.
"What did you bring?" Italy asked excitedly, hoping for pasta just as much as his gender swap was.
Yay, double the Italy, double the really sad idiocy that makes these two adorable sweethearts into generic idiot characters.
Francisca tilted the platter so everyone could see the food. It was a rather French looking (Whatever that might look like) pizza with snails on it.
Was that...the author acknowledging that the adjective she used was really crappy? I canât believe it. Sheâs proactively reviewing this fanfic for me!! Itâs like we can tell the future. Like right now, I can tell that Iâm going to absolutely die when we reach the next chapter and I have to point out all of the things that wonât make sense there.
And ah yes, the most classic of all French delicacies; escargot, pot au feu, omlet du fromage...pizza with snails on it? Thatâs just putting a French food on a totally unrelated Italian dish! Hell, if you really wanted to flatter him, you could have made macaroni and cheese. Thatâs fondue added to pasta, practically!! And who wouldnât appreciate some good olâ fashioned mac and cheese? Itâs comfort food!
"I wouldn't want your food, anyway! Who puts snails on a pizza?" Ariana asked, disgusted.
Okay, okay...Letâs get the obligatory Inside Out reference out the way. Congratulations, France, youâve ruined pizza!!
"If Britain had the recipe for normal pizza, snails would be there anyway," France insulted.
Thatâs actually a really funny insult, even if it doesnât make much sense. Snails arenât exactly the most common household pests....
As Ariana growled, Italy turned to Germany and asked, "Hey, remember when you, Japan, and I ate those snails during World War II? It was really fun, wasn't it, Germany?"
"It was a war, Italy, it wasn't fun," Germany said simply, not shifting his glance from his boots.
I donât know, the shenanigans and sand castles made it seem pretty fun. You really canât make comments like that when the entire concept of Hetalia is âhistory made funâ.
Italy frowned. "Hey, Germany, what's wrong? I'm not hurt that bad, see?" He got out of the hospital bed, revealing a cast on his right leg. He stood there without trouble, and lifted some of his hair to reveal a small bruise on his forehead.
Louella half opened her mouth in surprise, Germany looked up smiled slightly, and Felicity cheered, "Yay!"
If heâs really that okay, then why isnât he home right now? Why is he bedridden at the hospital when all he needed was a cast and a Band-Aid?
Italy smiled. "See, Germany, I'm fine! And I'm going to be home tomorrow, so no worries!" He sat back down on his bed.
Tomorrow is still way later than youâd usually expect with injuries like this. Unless he broke his femur or he needs surgery for what seems like a straightforward injury, I donât know why heâd be staying in the hospital for an extended period of time.
"Who else visited today?" Ariana asked Felicity.
"Allison came over with Tony a few minutes before you came, and she brought some fast food. But we didn't want any, so she just went home with it.
âHey dudes, you want this food?â
âNo thank you, I donât want a heart attack.â
âWell fuck you then, weâre going home! Eat dicks, Pizza Pastas!â
Yeah, that seems like the sort of thing youâd expect from Allison.
Japan and Kierra came with Germany and Louella, and after a while, Japan and Kierra left.
Wow, some axis buddies they are.
Oh yeah, and Austria came over, too. He brought a miniature piano. He started to play it, but then a nurse kicked him out for waking up the other patients. And then he yelled a lot of bad words on his way out the door." Felicity replied.
Austria swore a lot? Are we thinking of the same country? Also, why would he bring a miniature piano instead of, I donât know, a Casio keyboard? Why would he bring either of those things in the first place when everyone else has been bringing food, never mind in the early morning or late in the night?
By the way, this is the only time we get to hear of Austria directly throughout the fic. He indirectly becomes important later, but this is the only direct thing we ever hear of him doing. So...enjoy it while you can. Heâs gotten to escape far sooner than we have.
Godspeed, good sir. May your vital regions remain unoccupied.
"Hey, anyone know if Romano coming back anytime soon?" Italy asked. Everyone shook their heads.
"Who wants our pizza?" Francisca asked.
"No thanks, I'm full," Italy said.
"Me too," Felicity agreed.
"Same here," Germany said.
"Yup," Louella said.
"I wouldn't eat that pizza if it were the last food on Earth!" Ariana laughed.
"Ariana," Felicity said.
"What?" Ariana asked.
"Too far," Felicity answered.
What a stunning conversation! I wish I could have such astounding conversations in real life!
Also, that last joke is stolen from the awkward first season of DBZ Abridged and doesnât really make sense since Ariana barely insulted France. If anything, his sick burn about Englandâs pizzas was more âtoo farâ worthy than that. Or was this one more offensive because the world is on the brink of a third world war that might cause snail pizza to be the last food on EarthâŠ?
France and Francisca looked rather annoyed. France said, "Chances are, England's food would be the last food on Earth, not mine."
Ariana growled. "Hey! His food isâŠ" Ariana had an uneasy smile as she lied, "⊠Great."
Says the person who literally threw his food in the trash earlier and bought a Walmart cake instead.
Francisca broke out laughing. "Yeah, and so is the dirt in our backyard!" she joked. Then France started to laugh as well.
"Hey, you shut up!" Ariana demanded, pointing at Francisca.
"Ooh, feisty!" France commented.
AAH, CREEPY.
"And you!" Ariana said, pointing to France. "Do everyone a favor and stop being such a pervert!"
Francisca lifted the pizza and Ariana noticed her eyes dart around her eyebrows, aiming to throw the pizza.
See? If Ariana was able to tell that Francisca was about to throw food, then why couldnât France or Francisca tell when Ariana was about to do it? It doesnât make any sense.
Also, just thought I should addâŠa food fight in the middle of a hospital room isnât very gentlewomanly, you two. Learn your manners.
She was able to avoid the shot, though, but only because Francisca was a terrible shot.
Of course she was, compared to the great and mighty Sue-riana.
Ariana shouted, "I'm done here!" As she marched to the door, she added in a lighter tone, "Hope you get better soon, Italy." Then she left the room.
How mature, just stomp angrily out of the room without giving a second glance to the injured person you came here to visit just because your rival tried and failed to throw food at you. What a wonderful protagonist we have.
"I⊠think we'd better go, too. Bye, Italy," France said, as he led Francisca out the door.
About seven minutes after the three left, Germany got up with Louella said, "Well, Italy, we have to go. I hope you get better soon."
This sentence with Germany and Louella doesnât make any sense, both because you canât tell whoâs speaking and because âseven minutes after the three leftâ is an oddly specific time to leave when theyâve been there all day.
"Yeah, bye, Germany!" Italy said as Germany and Louella left the room.
"Well, looks like we're alone now," Felicity said to Italy.
"No, you aren't."
A voice came from the corner of the room, where there was an uncomfortable metal chair. In the seat, Mattie randomly appeared.
"Oh, hey Mattie! I didn't notice you there!" Felicity said.
"Yeah, I knowâŠ" Mattie said.
Of course. And Iâm going to add two points for that, both because Mattie was there alone without anyone noticing and because she was forced to sit in an uncomfortable metal chair the entire time. But this goes to show you, Mattie is the only real friend you can rely on here. Everyone but her and Felicity is a jerk.
--MATTIE ABUSE +2
Meanwhile, Ariana was already at England's house.
She got to Great Britain from Italy within seven minutes of leaving? Did she teleport like some sort of interdimensional specter ?
England had already started to make food, so Ariana didn't get to do much while he was cooking. So she went over to the shore close to Sealand's rig. Sealand soon noticed his friend, and threw a safety raft into the water with an oar. He then leaped from the ship and landed in the boat, and began to paddle like crazy, leaving a foamy trail of water behind him. Once he reached the shore Ariana was at, he got off the raft and said, "'Ello, Ariana, what's up?"
This is the first and probably the last time weâll see dialect written out like this, but this will not the first time that Sealand is absurdly talented in breaking the laws of physics. Seriously, Sealandâs rig is three nautical miles off of the coast of Suffolk. He shouldnât be able to paddle over to the mainland that quickly, micronation or not. Itâs just...silly. Even past me agrees with us in the coming authorâs note. Donât believe me? Just watch.
Ariana explained what had happened to Italy, and then said the only reason she was out here was because England was cooking.
"That British jerk's food is terrible!" Sealand shouted.
Great to know that you were paying attention, Sealand.
"You aren't getting the point, are you?" Ariana asked. "What I said wasn't all about England's cooking."
"Yeah, of course I know what you're talking about, Italy, right?" Sealand verified.
"Yes," Ariana said, a bit of annoyance in her voice.
"Well, what do you want me to do?" Sealand asked.
Wow, Sealandâs the worst friend ever!!
Before Ariana could answer, she heard England shout from his house, "Ariana, your food is done!"
I know it gets lampshaded right after this, but it still doesnât make sense. Is he just...shouting from London to Suffolk? Canât everyone in the UK hear him then? How many Arianas do you think are going to show up to Buckingham Palace or wherever expecting food and then leave hungry because the food is a bunch of rocks and a bug sizzling in a saucepan?
"How does he shout so loud?" Sealand asked.
"Hell if I know," Ariana said, before getting up and shouting back to Britain, "Coming!"
Thatâs absurd too, and thatâs not lampshaded! Did she expect him to hear her?
"Bye, Ariana!" Sealand said, as he got up and got into his small raft.
"Bye, Sealand!" Ariana said as she ran for England's place.
What a useless conversation they just had. You made Sealand waste his rowing energy for no reason, Ariana!!
Don't question Sealand's epic paddling.Â
Oh great, my worst nemesis from five years past...the word âepicâ when used in a context other than one referring to a long poetic composition focused on a hero. I almost forgot how cringey the early 2010s were for that sort of stuff. BROFIST, BROS!!
Or England's being able to shout loud enough for Ariana to hear from far away. Okay? Okay. :D
I can, I will, and in fact, I already have. Take that, past me! You feel that hesitation in your heart to even include that information? Thatâs me, somehow retroactively influencing your decisions and planting that seed of doubt that maybe the readerâs suspension of disbelief will fail them in this instance because of those two things that donât make sense! Feel my futuristic wrath and writhe in unbridled despair!! And then please be a doll and stop writing this abhorrent fic, please, Iâm begging you. My therapist said that itâs bad for me to keep smiting my past self like this. Itâs giving me past traumas that I lacked beforehand.
Anyway, that was chapter 6 of Genderswapped Nations. Awful as usual, right? Not egregiously so like some of our past chapters have been, but let me tell you, this upcoming chapter is one of the worst in the entire fic. Not only does it break multiple laws of physics and challenge all forms of logic, but it also includes a new, never-before-seen tragic backstory for everyoneâs favorite character, Sue-riana. Aaand it has one of the worst chapter titles of them all, so you have that to look forward to as well. See you then! Â
(CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE COUNTER= 12)
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 5
Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, where apparently North Americans can get to Germany faster than a Brit can when a brainwashed female personification of Germany wants to win the world record for the most pointless world meeting in the history of human society. Last time, we learned that Prussia isnât the sharpest tool in the shed if he intended to invade the UK while England was away (and yet waited until a time when it would have been preposterous for him to still be away) and that Ariana is an indestructible cartoon character. What shenanigans await us this time?
Well, if you read the closer for the last chapter, I bet youâre expecting an explanation for the World War III comment. Well...here it is.
Chapter 5: Hamburgers and Hurt
Do you remember way back in the first chapterâs review when I said that the alliteration in the  chapter titles eventually led to some unfortunate names? This is one of the worst in the entire fic (probably the third worst, if I had to rate it). Hamburgers are only mentioned at the beginning of the story and...hurt? Yes, a bunch of people do get hurtâsomebody even gets put into the hospitalâbut the only plot relevant âhurtâ to be seen here is more emotional than physical. So if youâre so insistent on keeping the Hamburgers, why not make it âHamburgers and Heartbreakâ instead? Or better yet, âHedonism and Heartbreakâ? Because yes, youâll be seeing a disproportionately large amount of hedonism in this chapter since Allison is its focus.
*NOTE: Canada's Gender swap, who was originally named 'Alexis', is now Mattie. I had forgotten Canada's human name when I wrote the first four chapters :3 *
Oh, well...thatâs a way to start a chapter.
Yeah folks, I retconned a characterâs name in an authorâs note a fourth of the way into a fanfic. Youâd have to be an idiot to do something like that to disrupt the canon when the âplotââs about to take over.
Do you want to know the truth of that statement, though? I never forgot Canadaâs human name, I just never knew it in the first place. I got all of my Hetalia-related information off of Wikipedia and Canadaâs human name wasnât listed there when I went there looking for it. How unprofessional!
America and Allison drove up to the drive through of a fast food restaurant. "I want six double cheeseburgers, four hamburgers, and two large drinks!"
Or better yet, this chapter shouldâve been called âHamburgers and Heart Attacksâ. Seriously, I donât care if America is a personification of a country, this amount of food could kill a man (even if the hamburgers are meant to be for Allison). And isnât he an immortal country? Couldnât he just be stealing food from his citizens at this point?
America exclaimed, his counterpart looking with starry eyes as the workers prepared their food.
Itâs understandable that a McDonaldâs wouldnât have that much food just sitting around, but Iâm sure it would have been more polite to pull around and wait for them to finish instead of holding up the drive-through line.
When they finally got their food, they speeded home and Allison bit ravenously into one of her hamburgers.
What is this Frankensteinâs abomination of a statement? âSpeededâ isnât the right tense of âspeedâ to use in this context (âspedâ is) and âravenouslyââthough itâs a nice big word to flaunt your intelligence withâgives the reader the impression that Allison was literally starving to death before she ate. Unless this is a really crappy off-handed reference to the one in six Americans who face hunger every year, it doesnât make any sense.
"Amazing like always!" she exclaimed.
"I know, right?" America said with his mouth full.
If Americaâs eating and Allisonâs eating, then whoâs driving the car?????? *screeeech*
Suddenly, the phone rang. Tony, who had been with Allison and America the whole time, answered the phone.
Yeah, I promise he was there. He just didnât get any food from McDonalds because heâs an illegal alien and we donât tolerate those in these here parts. This is âMurica.
...Iâll go ahead and let myself out.
He held it towards Allison, implying it was for her. She took the phone from the alien's hand and asked, "Hey, what's up?"
"Hello, Allison, its Ariana." The phone said.
Oh hey, I can finally introduce you guys to my favorite character in the fic; the phone. Not Ariana, the phone.
"Everyone's coming over to Louella's house so we can talk. I'm already here, get here soon."
Allison glanced back to her fast food and said, "Yeah, I'll try to get there soon."
"Good, then." Ariana said, hanging up.
Alright, what the hell is this Twilight Zone bullshit? Why would they invite the North Americans to their meeting last when everyone else has already arrived? They know that theyâll have to wait for 9-12 hours for Allison and Alexis Mattie to show up, right?
Not to mention the fact that theyâre having another meeting in Germany that could have easily been held over Skype. Seriously, why donât they at least go to a different country this time? I heard that Japan is pretty enjoyable in the wintertime. Why not go there, if youâre so insistent on meeting in person?
Allison walked back to her food and began to eat again. "Who was it?" America asked, food in his mouth like usual.
"It was just Ariana calling from Louella's place," Allison replied in between bites. "The other counterparts are going to meet at Louella's place later."
If by âlaterâ you mean âright nowâ.
America nodded before eating his last double cheeseburger and slurping the last of his drink.
And now thereâs food and soda all over the floor because both of these revolting slobs just carried on an entire conversation with burgers stuffed in their gobs. I hope they donât plan on making the alien clean that up.
When Allison later finished her food as well, she boarded America's helicopter and flew to Louella's house.
Fun fact (which I learned just to refute this ridiculous plot point): Helicopters are not usually used for transatlantic journeys because theyâre not very cost efficient (they cost three times more to ride in than a passenger plane and cost even more for maintenance), only fly 1/3 as fast as a normal jet or plane would, and are three times as noisy as a fixed wing aircraft. So not only is she causing the U.S. to lose money by choosing to arrive in a helicopter, sheâs also wasting time (making everyone wait even longer for her to show up) and giving herself a headache for the sake of looking cool when she shows up to Berlin.
...Tell me again, why is she our main character for this chapter? I mean, it doesnât last longâsince of course Ariana steals the spotlight when she appears in this chapter laterâbut this already makes her look selfish and petty. Our hero, everybody!
Later, the helicopter flew over Louella's front lawn.
If by âlaterâ you mean âa full 24 hours after Ariana calledâ.
Allison leaped out of the helicopter with a parachute, just as Louella and Ariana exited the house. America's counterpart opened the parachute and floated safely to the ground.
Oh jeez, sheâd better not still be wearing her âskirt dressâ. Sheâd be flashing all of Germany then.
The helicopter flew away after she got off, and Louella asked, "Why the hell did you ride a helicopter to my house?"
"Because I'm the hero, and everyone knows the hero always rides in a helicopter!" Allison exclaimed.
Not really. Havenât you ever watched Snakes on a Plane? How about Con-Air? I mean hell, have you ever watched any of the Superman movies? You never see Superman riding around in a helicopter. Thatâs just silly.
"That's a little overkill," Ariana sneered.
"No it isn't, didn't anybody else bring helicopters?" Allison asked.
I like how she asks it so innocently, as if riding in a helicopter to a casual meeting between friends is normal. Itâs not, you egotistical loser.
"No, us normal people brought planes and walked." Ariana said.
Wait...walked? Thatâs hundreds of miles weâre talking about here! It would have taken the Asians, like, a year to show up on foot! Francisca I could almost see, but still, thatâs 615 miles! It would take her eight and a half days to walk that far! And are you implying that Ariana walked over the English Channel to get to Germany??
Allison ignored Ariana and walked into Louella's house. Louella and Ariana entered soon after Allison did, and they sat down after she did. "Okay, let's count everybody," Louella said. She pointed to the other countries, and counted eight people.
These poor girls. Theyâve probably been waiting for three days now.
"Who could possibly be missing?" Ariana asked.
Suddenly, Mattie flung open Germany's door and came inside, glasses lopsided and hair a mess. "Sorry I'm late, everyone, some guy on the street tripped me on my way to the airport," she apologized.
Oh man, how did I see that coming?
But that doesnât even make sense. Unless she got totally KOâed and missed her flight, it doesnât make sense why she would be just a few seconds late since she was tripped on the way to the airport. That planeâs going to leave at the same time no matter what.
--MATTIE ABUSE +1
"Why?" Louella questioned.
"He mistook me for Allison," Mattie explained nervously. "Apparently she forgot to pay for a hamburger or two!" Then she laughed at her own joke nervously, before noticing everyone else was silent and staring at her, then she gradually stopped laughing and sat down, and then seemingly disappeared.
You know, Iâm gonna give that two points. Why? Because oh my god. Not only does nobody have sympathy for her, but it was her sister that made this terrible thing happen to her! Why would Allison indiscriminately steal from a fast food restaurant if, as previously shown, she and America clearly have enough money to waste on some fried garbage? Is she some kind of kleptomaniac?
Not to mention, you wouldnât be randomly tripped on the street if you stole food (from a burger place on the way from the capital building in Ottawa to the nearest airport??). Youâd be arrested.
--MATTIE ABUSE +2
"Well, at least I wasn't tripped, because then there'd be no hero!" Allison shouted, standing up and pointing to the ceiling. Everybody groaned, excluding Mattie and Felicity; Mattie was just sitting in the corner of the room, with a bright red face and Felicity was talking to Louella with no response from the German girl.
Red with anger? Thatâs what she should be red with. But needless to say, Allisonâs right. There wouldnât be a hero if she got caught for her crime because then sheâd be a criminal.
"Anyway, I thought we could discuss how it is at everyone's new homes," Louella said. "Who wants to begin?"
Is she serious right now? This was easily a conversation which could have been had over Skype, not over tea in Berlin. I mean hell, they could have easily texted each other this information! And before you call me out because âhey maybe texting didnât exist in the fanficâs time period!!â, this takes place in 2012. Texting existed and the swaps are even shown to text each other later in the fic. So why not now?
Without any sign of hesitation or raising her hand or anything, Iscah stood up. "It's very fun at Russia's place. I like to mess around with the Baltic States until they start to cry and fall down like little babies.
Oh well thatâs just great. Create some more hapless butt monkeys that did nothing to deserve being tormented by crappy OCs.
But I should probably point this out right now before it becomes a thing; the Baltics have no reason to be at âRussiaâs placeâ right now. They only resided there in the original run of the anime because they were a part of the Soviet Union. Since the USSR broke apart in the eighties, thereâs no reason why I should have thought it existed in 2012 unless I watched Hetalia and seriously didnât connect the dots and think that those sketches took place in the past. Itâs like Switzerland all over again, but this... was I really that stupid??
Except we've been having a lot of trouble with Belarus lately, with all the scratching at my door at night and all. She wants to destroy me and marry Russia.
Iâd question why Belarus would want to destroy her brotherâs genderbend and not seek to marry her as well (considering that Iscah is literally Russia with long hair and boobs), but Iâm too exhausted by that Baltics thing to give that more than just an uggggh.
I tried to beat her off with a stick, but then she snapped it in half.
Uh....double entendre??
I don't know what to do."
"I got it, I could patent Anti-Belarus Spray!" Allison announced.
"How in the hell are you going to make that work?" Ariana questioned.
"Who cares? Everyone knows it will work because-"
"I'll take ten," Iscah cut in.
This almost seems like a funny joke just because of how weird it seems, but then you realize that I stole this joke from a picture I found on DeviantArt. No, Iâm not kidding. Here it is:
Classy. (credit where credit is due to YoorNaymHeer, the artist of this picture and the creator of this joke. Jesus fucking Christ.)
After Iscah gave Allison money for a relabeled can of spray paint and Iscah swore eternal doom upon Allison,
And then killed her? Please? Allison has been the worst âheroâ ever so far. All sheâs done is stuff her face, waste money indiscriminately, steal for no reason (and make sure her sister get blamed and physically assaulted for it), and cheat somebody out of at least ten dollars in a situation where receiving her product is essentially life or death. None of that is heroic; it just makes me want to throw her into a ravine.
Ariana stood up and began. "It's cool at England's house.
Well the dialogue has gotten better so itâs not as awkward as it used to be, but this seems way too casual for Ariana to say. Or too...American. I know that she technically is American, but hush, Iâm trying to suppress that knowledge right now and pretend that sheâs actually British. In which case, I donât know if itâs just me, but I canât hear that obviously American dialogue coming out of a British personâs mouth.
I met this nice boy named Sealand who has a rig very close to our house. He's trying to be a country like England, but doesn't seem to like him very much at all.Â
Oh god no, donât bring him into this. Let him live. Plus these sentences have this weird thing going on that I canât really explain, but it makes Ariana sound like sheâs trying way too hard to sound British. What I can say is that all of the âveryâs make the sentences sound clunky, though.
Anyways, England always wants to cook, though, and his food is kind ofâŠÂ bad. So I cook before he does, and it kind of annoys him. But he always says he's grateful after I cook, though, and comments on how well I cook British food."
You know, the stereotype of England being a bad cook comes from British food in general being bland and tasteless. Itâs an exaggeration of that âwhite people donât season their food and canât handle spiceâ stereotype thatâs a part of Englandâs character because he himself is a stereotype. So of course it figures that Sue-riana would be able to cook this inherently bad (and not to mention completely foreign) food better than the embodiment of the fucking country itself can.
"I can cook anything better than you," Francisca bragged.
"Oh, shut up, Francisca. If you're so good at cooking, then why don't you try cooking the kind of food England has in his cookbook?" Ariana challenged.
And look, I even acknowledged that in the story! Ariana straight up admitted that Englandâs food is the crappy part, not his cooking. So how is she magically able to make it taste awesome?
Seriously, this instance of the conflict ball being thrown around just doesnât make any sense. Itâs based on an argument of who between two girls can cook better. Isnât that a little...on the nose, considering that the point of the fic is to feminize some male characters? Resorting to female stereotypes this early on doesnât bode well for the rest of the fic.
Francisca got up and pulled out a twig. Before anyone could stop her, she went over to Ariana and proceeded to smack her in the head with it, providing her own sound effects as well: "Smack, Smack, Smack, Smack...!"
Thatâs a reference to a sketch in Hetalia about France jumping onto the winning sides of wars to reap the winnersâ benefitsâFrance may be weak, but he wouldnât start a war with England of all people using a twig. Besides, where would Francisca have gotten a twig from and why would she carry it around with her everywhere? The stick whapping was a metaphor in the anime!
Ariana then got angry (or as Allison would say, 'totally pissed off') and kicked Francisca in the face, sending her towards the floor in a matter of seconds.
"Holy fricken' crap, dude!" Allison cried excitedly.
Well thatâs not very gentlewomanly! Gentlemanliness is one of Englandâs defining traits (he even has an entire character song about it!) and already Arianaâs messed it up. Who responds to being poked with a stick with a kick to the face?
I also hate all of Allisonâs slang, by the way. All of these frickenâ fricks.
Ariana began to kick Francisca while she was on the ground, which led Louella to restrain Ariana while Francisca got up. Yiesha ran over to Francisca and asked, "Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding, aru..."
Francisca wiped her nose. "Yeah, that'sâŠÂ unrelated. I'm fine, I assure you."
Jesus Christ, what is with all of the misplaced perversion?? These girls are 13!
"You're going down, you perverted wine-loving bitch!" Ariana shouted, still kicking and flailing at Francisca.
OH FUCK! If youâve been keeping track, this is the first time a really bad word has been uttered in this fic. Fun fact; my parents didnât use to let me swear, so I put bad words in this fic in spite of them and prayed that they wouldnât find out. Theyâre used correctly and allâthey arenât all over the placeâbut...I donât know, thinking about the circumstances makes me cringe. Itâs like I was one of those kids who knew they couldnât swear but tried anyway, so theyâd just whisper the swear word in the hopes that their parents wonât hear. âYou perverted wine lovingâŠb-bitch.â
"Shows what you know; I can't have wine, I'm thirteen," Francisca said. Allison noticed she had her fingers crossed, though.
Actually, young people in Europe are allowed to drink wine and the like, theyâre just not allowed to purchase it. This can be chalked up to their Americanization, probably, but it still doesnât make much sense.
This brings up a pretty decent point Iâve been meaning to get to, though; thereâs a high chance that I made the girls American because I didnât trust myself enough to do the proper research required to make them belong to different nationalities (which involved a concern that not all of them would know English). This is one of those moments where such a thing would make sense; I knew the laws in America just fine, but being a sixth/seventh grader in the United States, I had no clue what the laws in Europe or Asia were like. It almost makes sense if you think about it like that, but if I didnât trust in my own ability to write characters of different nationalities, then I shouldnât have tried to write this fic based on some dumb fantasies I used to have about secretly being the female version of a country.
This only made Ariana angrier, and Louella almost lost her grasp on the English girl a couple times.
"We'll help you out, Louella!" Felicity offered, dragging Kierra with her in her effort to help Louella keep her hold on Ariana.
Allison jumped from her chair and sped over to Ariana. "You're being so bad-ass right now!" she exclaimed.
Of course Allison would say that in the face of this vast overreaction on Arianaâs part and random smackdown that came about because of it. How is she a âheroâ, again?
"Now isn't the time for that, Allison!" Louella scolded. Meanwhile, Iscah was still sitting down, giggling at the other counterparts' anger.
Mattie, who had just gotten over her embarrassment, noticed the quarrel breaking out between her friends. She went between Francisca and Ariana, just as Louella, Felicity, and Kierra lost their grasp on Ariana. "Hey, can everyone just calm-" she began, before being cut off by a swift kick to the gut that was supposed to be for Francisca. She croaked and fell to the ground, but not before groaning, "Maple-hockey..."
"Mattie!" Ariana cried, her anger melting away, while Iscah was clapping and cheering for more violence.
Because yes, this is how a Canadian person would respond to being kicked in the gut âby accidentâ (the quotation marks are there because I think itâs almost impossible that Ariana could have overlooked Mattieâs intervention as she was breaking away from the Axis Powers and rearing back to kick Francisca). Donât you know? Thatâs how all Canadian people swear.
And who are we supposed to like here, exactly? Why would we want to root for a Mary-Sue (Ariana), an inconsiderate asshole (Allison), or an implied attempted rapist who cheers for physical assault (Iscah)? Oh yeah, spoilers, Iscah gets the POV in a later chapter. Our only solace is in Mattie.
--MATTIE ABUSE +1 (BUT THIS TIME ITâS PHYSICAL SOMEHOW, WHAT THE HELL)
"What's going on in here?" Germany's voice echoed. He entered the room, and looked around to see it somewhat trashed, and every gender swap (except Mattie and Iscah) frozen from fear.
Only somewhat trashed, though it would have no reason to be trashed at all since Ariana just kicked Francisca onto the ground. You know, unless youâre counting all of the crappy OCs, who are trash themselves.
Allison became animated again, while the others were still blank.
Thatâs an embarrassing thing to add. I was trying to describe anime expressions.
"Dude, it was AWESOME! Ariana was all like, 'Francisca, you suck!' and then Francisca was all like 'No I don't, you do!' and then Ariana beat Francisca up and then Louella came in and she was all like 'Ariana, stop it!' and totally held her back and stuff, then what's-her-face came in and got PWNED!" She shouted excitedly.
This entire line of dialogue kills me. Not only is there the usage of such wonderful, timeless middle school slang as âyou suckâ, âdudeâ, and âPWNedâ, but Allison isnât even describing what happened. Ariana said she could cook well, Francisca said she could cook better, and then Ariana randomly flew off the handle when Francisca lightly hit her with a twig.
"What?" Germany questioned, aghast. "What do I tell everyone else when their swaps come home bloody?"
Whoa, when did this become Germanyâs POV?! You could almost say that that italicized segment is spoken dialogue delivered sharply, but Louellaâs answer doesnât acknowledge it at all. So does the POV just randomly switch to Germany so he can share one thought?
"Yah, I'm afraid it's true," Louella admitted to Germany.
Gratuitous German? Being brainwashed to speak with an accent is one thing, but appearing to know a foreign language out of the blue is just ridiculousâŠeven if it was just the word âyesâ and not something extreme like a spontaneous Scheisse.
Before Germany could scold his counterpart, his phone ringed. He left the room to go answer it, leaving the room in a silence. Felicity broke this silence, however, by saying, "I'm hungry. Louella, what kind of food do you have?"
"Well, we don't have pasta, so don't get your hopes up," Louella responded.
Felicity said, "AwâŠ"
Leave it to Felicity to be completely oblivious to her surroundings and only focused on food. Really, I hate how her character is handled. She could have been so cute, and yet...
Just then, they heard a shout of disbelief from where Germany had gone to answer the phone.
"What's going on?" Kierra asked silently.
"I don't know," Ariana said in the same fashion. "But Flying Mint Bunny and I will go check."
"Flying mint bunny?" Francisca questioned teasingly in disbelief.
"Yeah, don't you see him? He's right there," Ariana said, pointing to an empty spot beside her head.
What the hell? Why does Ariana only start doing and saying Flanderized England-related things when the POV is taken away from her? Sheâs still ludicrously Sue-y, but only now is she acting âin characterâ.
Not that POV matters much anyway, since all it does here is tell the reader what that character is seeing. There arenât any thoughts or motivations or emotions, just actions.
While everyone commented on the absence of the magical bunny, Allison got up to go check. But right as she was about to ask Germany while he was on the phone, he hung up and walked right by Allison, heading towards the room where everyone else was. She followed after him, and sat down when he stopped in the doorframe leading to the room.
Germany looked Felicity right in the eye. "Felicity⊠While you were here, Italy got attacked by Prussia and a few other countries."
Holy shit, this is the beginning of a world war. I made this story get dark fast. I mean, it doesnât make sense, but itâs something. Now all of these girls are going to get wrapped up in international war politics or something, arenât they? Or better yet, are they going to fight in the war? Are they going to fight literal actual countries?? IS ALLISON GOING TO DIE IN THE PROCESS?? PLEASE???
Felicity at first had a worried look, before changing to a humored face. "What? Nice joke, Germany! Italy always told me about the funny jokes you used to-"
"This is no joke! Romano called me to tell me, and then Prussia called to gloat about it. I'm sorry, Felicity."
Of course Felicity would be too stupid to realize that heâs being serious, but on a side note, what? Why would Prussia call his brother, Italyâs best friend, to gloat about this? Does he seriously want to get his ass kicked? And why would he pick Italy, of all people? He loves Italy!
"He's okay though, right? He's notâŠÂ dead, is he?" Felicity asked, tears welling up in her eyes.
"No, of course not. A couple other countries were able to stop Prussia halfway into his attack. He's fine, but⊠Romano thinks it would be better if you didn't come right now, Italy's really hurt." Germany said.
Yeah, thatâs grounds to start WWIII. Itâs going down just like WWI did. Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia after the assassination of their Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but only once they became allies with Germany in case Russia intervened to support Serbiaâwhich they didâand France jumped in to support Russia and pulled Great Britain after them because of the Triple Entente alliance they were all a part of. But who are the âfew other countriesâ who helped a German terrorist attempt to wage war against Italy? Who are the âcouple other countriesâ who jumped in to help? These canât be faces without names; if theyâre countries, chances are good that they have personifications in Hetalia and are thus characters who need to be identified.
Allison thought for a moment she heard a small mix of regret and sorrow in the German's voice.
And...why would that be weird? His best friend just got put in the hospital by his big brother. Couldnât the narrative have made this insightful by showing Allisonâs emotions in this situation? We already know how Germanyâs going to feel, but Allisonâs a wild card. It would have been a lot more interesting to hear about this from her side of the story.
The tears collecting in Felicity's eyes finally overpowered her usually joyful and somewhat ditzy personality, sending salty tears running down her cheeks.
The way this is written makes it sound less sad and more gross.
Louella and Kierra scooted their chairs closer to her and put their arms around her. Allison, Yiesha, Francisca, Mattie (who had gotten up earlier, but no one noticed),
Nice potshot, even if itâs totally unfitting because of the current circumstances.
--MATTIE ABUSE +1
Ariana, and even Iscah had looks of sadness and disbelief visible in their expressions, and Germany had one to match.
Theyâre all just lumped together in their emotions. No individuality between them. Nobody has a differing take on things. Nobodyâs demanding to go to the hospital, nobodyâs blaming themselves for this attack, nobodyâs in denial, nobodyâs scared that such a thing will happen to anyone else. Theyâre just all, in unison...sad. Get used to this, because as the fic goes on, youâll find that every individual in this group save for Ariana, Mattie, and Allison loses a lot of individuality as more and more of the plot becomes centered around them.
This is usually the part where I say something either funny, clever, or just something that needed to be said. For now, I just have this: :'(
I mean, youâve never said anything funny, clever, or important in these notes, but thanks for not dragging out the mushy sentimentality longer than you needed to.
And that, my friends, was chapter 5 of Genderswapped Nations. It was quite the adventure, but Iâm definitely glad itâs over. Luckily for us, we never have to suffer through another chapter where Allison has the POV ever again (and doesnât it figure that the Mattie/Canada abuse counter doubled in this chapter?). Unfortunately, though, we still have fifteen chapters of this drivel left to go and Allison is still Arianaâs âLancerâ in this story so she wonât be disappearing anytime soon. Anyway, come back soon for the next exciting chapter of Genderswapped Nations, where you can expect to see some classic French cuisine, asshole best friends, and past me openly lampshading the stupidity of some of the bullshit she tried to add into the fic and asking the readers to overlook it...and no, Iâm not over analyzing anything or making a joke, it actually happens. Three times, in fact.
(CANADA/MATTIE ABUSE COUNTER=10)
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 4
Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the fanfic where itâs possible for nine American minors in Germany without passports to buy nine plane tickets all heading to eight different countries at the same time using USD. There were less attempted sexual assaults last time, which is always a plus, but I canât say that there wonât be any attempted crimes against minors this time around. What do I mean by that? Letâs jump in and figure that out.
Chapter 4: Substitutes and Suitcases
Believe it or not, this is actually one of the better chapter titles in Genderswapped NationsâŠeven if, as youâll find out later, the âsuitcasesâ aspect of the title has very little to do with the plot of the chapter.
The plane landed, and Ariana got off. She was immediately greeted by businessmen, who looked at her nicely at first but then looked confused. âWhat?â Ariana asked.
âWe were expecting Mr. Kirkland,â one of the businessmen replied.
âWait a minuteâŠyouâre not our boss whoâs hundreds of years old and is the embodiment of the country we live in! Harvey, you said he would be on this flight!â
And wasnât she just getting off a normal passenger flight? If they were expecting England, why would they intercept a thirteen year old girl?
âYou mean England?â Ariana asked. âShouldnât he be here right now?â
âNo, he left yesterday on classified matters,â another one of the businessmen said.
Oh cool, so nobody knows why he left to go to Germany. Thatâs why heâŠleft businessmen at the airport so they could talk to him once he got off the plane with his genderbend? Sorry to say, but itâs not âclassifiedâ anymore if these guys witness you getting off a plane with a younger female version of yourself after the fact.
âOh, is that so?â Ariana said. âIâll fill in for him until he gets back.â
Uhhhh, what? Why would this be the first thing she suggests? Sheâs only come to Britain so she canâŠum, avoid England (I think?). If heâs only going to be gone for a little while longer, why would she volunteer to take control of the entire country? Isnât there a prime minister to do that? Isnât there the UK Parliament? I mean hell, if you really want to prove that youâre an idiot, past me, you could even claim that Queen Elizabeth II is in chargeâsheâs not, but it would make more sense than whatâs going on here.
âAnd why would we put a teenager in charge of Great Britain?â one of the businessmen asked.
âI can cook better,â Ariana said.
âOh, well, that was the only thing that we thought was wrong with Mr. Kirkland. And since you are technically just him in a dress, I guess you could fill in for him for a while.â One of the businessmen decided.
âGreat!â Ariana exclaimed.
This reads like a fucking parody. But no, this is real canon! She just shows up, volunteers to take control of the country while England is away, and they let her do it because she can cook better (despite the fact that she shouldnât know that Englandâs a bad cook since sheâs never even met the guy). This is like the plot to some Disney Channel movie, itâs insane.
This was also the case for the other girls; they all filled in for their counterparts while they were away.
And as if it couldnât get any more ridiculous, the same thing happens to all of the other girls. Even Allison, whoâs not even old enough to register for an account on YouTube according to its terms of service. Wow.
Later, Ariana got a phone call after she was brought to Englandâs house. She answered it, and was greeted by Louella. âAriana, the countries are having a meeting. Get to Berlin.â
ButâŠdidnât they just leave Berlin? And Iâm sure that if England left Berlin right after Ariana, he should be back by now. And if he hasnât left yet because of flight delays, then youâre going right back to him!
âWhy do we have to have a meeting now?â Ariana asked.
âNone of the other countries know weâre filling in for the real ones,â Louella explained. âWe need to introduce ourselves.â
âRight,â Ariana said.
You couldnât just use Skype or hold a press conference or something? They donât hold entire world meetings every time a new president/prime minister gets elected. It makes it seem like Louella wants to hold this meeting just to brag or something. In fact, by the time this meeting ends, all of the nations are going to be home and ready to take control again! Whatâs the point?
She got money to board a plane to Berlin, and did just that. When she entered the meeting room, she noticed all the nations, except the gender swapped ones, were staring at her. When she sat down, Louella stood.
Well thatâs a familiar occurrence. I have to wonder if Ariana was really the last to arrive though. How did the North Americans arrive in Berlin within the same day that they were asked to go there, even arriving BEFORE another European did?
âMay I have your attention, please?â She asked firmly. The other nations gave her their attention, but many still had confused faces. âFirst, I want to discuss-â
âWhy are we being bossed around by a thirteen year old girl?â one of the nations questioned.
I donât know what nation this was supposed to be (I think I sort of headcanoned that it was Romano or Belarus or someone??) but I love them. They should be the main character of the fanfiction instead of Mary-Sue Ariana.
âI was getting to that,â Louella growled, before regaining her normal voice. âAs you can see, a few of the attendees are the thirteen year old female counterparts of our respective countries.â
âSo, where are the original ones?â another voice asked Louella.
They should know where they are if they had a meeting just a few days ago about Prussia kidnapping these girls in the first place. Â Obviously theyâre away ârescuingâ the thirteen year old girls that have now replaced them.
By the way, past me, you missed a good opportunity to have someone freak out and think that the original countries were killed and these children are trying to replace them. It would have made this meeting have an actual point because that wouldâve been funny as hell with Louella on the spot having to prove that they donât have nefarious intentions and that the originals are probably fine.
âIâve consulted the other gender swaps, and the original countries are away on âclassified mattersâ.â The counterpart answered.
âWas that it?â Another country asked.
âI guess, I donât really have any other important things to talk about,â Louella said. Some of the nations grumbled as they all stood up and left the gender swaps in the room alone. âHow did I do?â Louella asked.
That was, without a doubt, the best political meeting Iâve ever witnessed in my life. Wow. If all UN meetings are like that, where they only discuss one point of business that only affects nine countries and immediately becomes irrelevant a few hours later, then I should really look into joining the UN. It would be a walk in the park. I am the Shenandoah River, after all. That counts as a nation that can be united with other nations, right? I have poisonous fish who can vouch for me!
âYou just let some of them walk all over you.â Ariana said.
âYou and three other people were the only ones who got to speak,â Kierra said.
âYeah! Those meetings are nothing when I donât get to speak!â Allison complained.
All of those are completely justified criticisms because really, the meeting didnât have a point at all. And would you be surprised if I told you that this exact same thing essentially happens next chapter too??
Louella nodded. âWell, we should get going now. Be sure to visit Germany more often, okay?â She asked her friends.
She doesnât have anything to say to these criticisms. She knows that it was a pointless meeting, she just wanted to make everyone respect her authority by forcing them to come to Berlin for two minutes for a pointless meeting.
Everyone nodded, except Francisca. âItâs very unusual that you arenât speaking for once, Francisca,â Ariana teased.
âYeah, whatâs wrong with you? Youâve seemed worried this whole meeting.â Louella said.
âItâs justâŠâ Francisca began. âI donât think it was very smart to say out counterparts werenât present. Some countries would take our âSubstitutionâ as an opportunity to take over our countries.â
This is almost a decent point, but the United States doesnât get conquered every time the president leaves to go meet with foreign leaders. Iâm American, so I canât speak for Europe on this point. For all I know, the presidency in France could be trading hands quicker than a hot potato right now. Â
And hahahahahaha Francisca said Substitution like the chapter title Substitution and Suitcases oh how charming.
Kierra nodded in agreement. âIâd say the only one safe from that would be Iscah.â
âAnd why wouldnât I be safe?â Allison questioned.
âSeriously?â Ariana said. âJust because youâre in the west doesnât mean youâre safe.â
âSo why is Iscah safe?â Allison questioned, but quickly took it back, remembering the night she hid in Arianaâs closet to keep away from the creepy girl.
Itâs super funny, the way the fic just keeps telling us how creepy Iscah is even though Iscah never does anything creepy. I also have to point out the fact that not only is Iscah safe because âsheâs creepyâ, but itâs implied to be (I think) wintertime and, wellâŠask Napoleon how well invading Russia on foot during the winter usually goes.
Aaaand Allison should be safer from active âinvasionâ compared to the European countries because if Americaâs already on his way back from Europe, then it would be impossible for someone currently in Berlin to leave this meeting to go to America and invade while heâs still on the plane. Since he left to go to the same place way before they did, it goes without saying that they wouldnât get to America before he would. Not only that, but, the U.S. has the second largest military in the world. I donât care how âevilâ you think you are, it would be a pretty bad idea to single-handedly troll a country that throws as much money at its military as the U.S. does.
âWe should be getting back then,â Ariana said.
âRemember! Donât forget to visit Germany!â Louella called as the nations walked away.
âIf there is one, aru,â Yiesha muttered.
Oh god, edgy. Anyway, as you can see, it was by this point that I caught on to Chinaâs verbal tick from the Japanese version of Hetalia and threw it in for good measure. ItâŠdoesnât make much sense, really. Thatâs all there really is to say about it.
Meanwhile, Englandâs plane landed. He got his bags, and was confused not to find any businessmen waiting for him like they were told to.
So he straight up just told those businessmen to amble about aimlessly until he came back? But why? The mission was âclassifiedâ, so what were they there for?
He decided to walk back to his house himself, but when he got there, the door was locked.
Is thatâŠunusual? Doesnât he normally leave the countryâs capital locked when he leaves on business trips? No wonder everyone thinks that their countries are going to get conquered, England doesnât leave his door locked when he leaves!! Who knows who else could be leaving their doors wide open right now??
He rang the doorbell, aggravated enough to kick down the door but not wanting to harm his house.
And he doesnât have his key? This almost seems offensive to people from the UK. This is the sort of forgetfulness youâd expect out of a character like America or Italy, definitely not England.
âŠunless the joke is that heâs old and forgetful, in which caseâŠha? Thereâs not much of a punch line if itâs a joke. Itâs more of a nuisance than anything.
Ariana heard the chime of the doorbell, and ran to the door.
OH GOD I think I have whiplash, that POV change was so sudden.
But she was shocked, because when she opened the door, England was there, and he threw one of his briefcases at her about two seconds after the door was opened, assuming it was France or some other perverted intruder.
What the shit?? Why would he throw his suitcase at the first person who opened the door assuming that someone broke into his house? Â Does he not have maids and butlers? Why would he ring the doorbell if he expected a home intruder to answer?
Oh and by the way Arianaâs totally dead now. England might not be the strongest but he is a grown man and he threw that briefcase directly at her face. Someone needs to call the funeral home up the street.
He soon apologized as Ariana lifted the suitcase off her face and they recognized each other.
âThatâs the same guy from Prussiaâs house,â Ariana thought. âPrudence was lying!â
She may not be dead, but she definitely has some brain damage. Seriously, that should be abundantly obvious now. Nobody put two and two together and assumed that the countries were away looking for their genderbends since they couldnât find the real guys anywhere in the capital buildings of these countries?
âWho are you?â England asked.
âAriana,â the girl replied. âAnd you must be England.â
âYeah.â The man replied.
They stared at each other awkwardly for a minute or two, until this silence was broken by a phone call.
What a fantastic exchange. This is exactly how I would greet my genderbent counterpart upon first meeting them and walloping them with a suitcase. At least Arianaâs completely fine after having been physically assaulted by a grown man though, thatâs a relief.
Ariana walked over and answered. âHello, England, Ariana speaking,â she said.
âThis is the awesome Prussia,â the other line said. âAnd Iâm coming over there soon!â
What the fuck??
âWhat?â Ariana asked. England ran over to his counterpart and yanked the phone from her hand.
âHey! Whoâs this?â he demanded.
England just telepathically knows that the phone call was bad news from Arianaâs only reply being a calmâand not incredulousââWhat?â
âThis is the awesome me,â Prussia repeated. âAnd Iâm guessing this is England now.â
WHY DID HE ASSUME THAT ENGLAND WASNâT HOME YET??? Itâs bizarre enough that it took him this long! Assuming that it would take him even longer is just insane!!
âYouâre bloody right this is England now!â England shouted. âNow what did you just say to my counterpart?â
âEh, nothing.â Prussia said. He hung up.
Hold on, what the hell just happened?? No, seriously! Does this imply that Prussia planned for the girls to take over their host countries? Did he place a diversion to keep the countries from getting home in a timely manner so he could single-handedly conquer them? Whatâs this Batman Gambit bullshit??
âSo, what did he say to you?â England said in a normal but slightly aggravated tone.
âHe said he was invading,â Ariana replied. âBut I guess he quit out on it when he realized youâre here.â
âProbably,â England muttered.
Is thisâŠa common occurrence? If our president leaves again anytime soon, can I call the White House and threaten to invade in the hopes that theyâll just give me the job instead? Iâm way too young, but Iâm sure I can cook better than our current president can. Thatâs all the work experience I need to run a country, after all.
Then, the phone rang again. Ariana walked over to pick it up, but England stopped her and answered it himself. âWhat is it?â he questioned.
âHey, itâs France,â the phone said. âI just wanted to brag about how cute my gender swap is!â
âReally?â England asked.
DidâŠnobody else get a threatening call from Prussia? Just England for some reason? None of the countries actually bordering Germany? Like, sayâŠFrance??
Not to mention that itâs squicky for a grown man to gush about how cute a little girl is to another grown man, like, 99% of the time.
(Note: The other 1% is just Maes Hughes raving about how much he loves his daughter. In all other contexts, itâs squicky.)
âWho is it?â Ariana asked loudly.
England covered the speaking part of the phone as h answered, âItâs just France.â Ariana nodded in understanding, and England brought the phone back to his ear.
There was no purpose for that little segment of England explaining who was on the line since all it did was repeat to the audience, âHey, the person on the other end of the phone is France.â That was the perfect opportunity to tell a joke via Arianaâs reaction to this information and you blew it.
âYes, sheâs so cute! And by that background voice I just heard, yours must be dreadfully ugly!â France responded.
âThatâs not true!â England vindicated.
Do I need to remind my audience of the âfun factâ I pulled out in chapter one about Englandâs English VA?? I donât like having to share that information more than I have to, but Iâll do it. Iâll fricking do it man.
He abrubtly got another phone call, and he made France hold as he answered the phone. âHello?â
âHey, British dude, itâs America,â the phone said.
âŠBritish dude. Iâll let that speak for itself. JustâŠBritish dude. This man raised you when you were a child!!
âAnd I bet this is about your gender swap,â England sighed.
âHey, howâd you know?â America asked.
âLucky guess.â England replied sarcastically. America, though, did not catch this sarcasm, and instead continued to talk.
What are the chances that both countries would call England specifically at the same time to give him the same information? If England just got home, shouldnât America still be on his plane going over the Atlantic Ocean? Thereâs no way a flight from Berlin to London would take the same amount of time as a flight from Berlin to Washington, D.C..
âI just wanted to say, my gender swap is awesome! She likes all the same foods I do, and she gets along well with Mr. Tony!â
DoesâŠDoes America usually call him âMr. Tonyâ? Forgive me if Iâm wrong, but I remember him being referred to as just Tony.
in the background, England could lightly hear the alien mentioned muttering swears, probably knowing England was on the phone. Then, America hung up.
Thatâs just it? No reply? He just hangs up when heâs finished talking? Thatâs cold.
England redialed France, and the French man asked, âWho was calling?â
âWho do you think?â England questioned.
France seemed to understand who England meant.
Great, now they both have telepathy.
âWell, anyway, I just wanted to say that my gender swap is better than yours.â
France hung up before England could protest.
How productive a conversation that was. It was so unnecessary that it hurt. When you have a German extremist kidnapping children from America, brainwashing them, and threatening to conquer Europe, is bragging to your rival over the phone really your biggest concern?
He unplugged his phone, and faced Ariana and said, âStill sorry about the suitcase thing.â
âNo problem,â Ariana replied with a smile.
âItâs okay, I just have a broken nose and five missing teeth. All is forgiven.â âBesides, it makes me look more British anyways!â
Iâve finally caught on to the China âaruâ thing, even if the only China reference was one line by Chinaâs counterpart.
Yes, because that was the only thing wrong with this fic.
It seems like itâs over again, right? You should know better by now that something like this is not the kind of ending I throw into the end of FanFics. Seriously, remember Chapter 2, âConversation and Costumesâ? Itâs like that ending.
Oh, you mean how it ended on a cliffhanger of âare the countries going to accept the girls or not?â Because no, this ending is nothing like that. The plot should actually be over now, with maybe just one more chapter where Prussia gets punished somehow for kidnapping a bunch of little girls.
And itâs weird that I capitalized both âfâs in âfanficsâ. I donât know why that is. Maybe I assumed it looked cooler.
Also, *spoiler alert* the next chapter will feature Allison and America! Because neither of them has said âIâm the heroâ yet, and I thought that would only be appropriate :3
Fan-fricking-tastic. Because America and his counterpart werenât Flanderized enough as it was.
Well, that was chapter 4 and my god was it a clusterfuck of horrible decisions and insane world politics. Anyway, be sure to come back next time for more pointless meetings, senseless violence, and the beginning of World War III. No, seriously. Â Iâm not exaggerating. And the abuse counter doubles, if you were worried that Alexis wasnât being tortured enough as it was.
(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER=5)
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I posted Chapter 1 - Daily Life of Hyper Danganronpa!
Hey all, this is different from the stuff I normally post, but I feel like I canât not tell everyone--I posted the first part of Chapter 1 in my Danganronpa fanfic, Hyper Danganronpa today! Iâve been editing this one for a long time (that, and Iâve been too lazy/ scared to post on AO3 since I posted the prologue) but Iâm really excited to finally share this with everyone. If you reach the end of Daily Life, youâll learn who the first victim of the Rehabilitation Program of Mutual Killing is, so make sure that you donât miss it!
https://archiveofourown.org/works/14724867/chapters/34035264
Please check it out if youâre interested! I promise that you wonât be disappointed. And if you want more Hyper Danganronpa content, I posted some character bios on my Wordpress blog a while back leading up to the premiere. Iâll be porting those--and the ones for the characters I didnât include--to this blog before long, so donât worry if Wordpress annoys you as badly as it annoys me.
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 3
Welcome back to Genderswapped Nations, the fanfic where kids can trip over couches, phase through locked doors, and get brainwashed by the British flag when theyâre kidnapped and held hostage by a German extremist looking to get his ass kicked by his friends. Last time, we found out that the American girls who were kidnapped are going to be let loose into Europe if their âgender bendsâ donât come to Germany within a day to pick them up. Prussia, the kidnapper, still seems not to have a plan besides pissing everyone off and making himself less bored. Letâs see if we learn anything new about that plan in this chapter!
Chapter 3: Prudence and Planes
This chapter title is almost alright, but âPrudenceâ is the name of a character weâll be meeting later and isnât in reference to the trait of prudenceâŠwhich isnât good, because this fic could use some more prudence. Seriously, what mustâve been going through twelve-year-old meâs head when I put all of those sexual assault jokes in the last chapter??
âYouâre kidding!â Francisca claimed.
Oh yeah, the last chapter ended off with the countries showing up at Germanyâs doorstep to get the girls. I wonder how long the gap in-between these chapters being uploaded was. I think it would be funny if Francisca, here replying to something Ariana said at the last chapter, took like a month to answer her. They just sat there for a month before Francisca gasped and cried, âYouâre kidding!â
âIâm not kidding, theyâre really here!â Ariana said. âIf you donât believe me, come see for yourselves!â All of the gender swaps followed Ariana into Franciscaâs room, and let them look out the window.
TheyâŠlet themselves look out the window?
âThey really are here!â Felicity exclaimed.
âBut theyâre so much older than us,â Kierra said.
Just in case you forgot that these gender bends of adult nations are, in fact, human children for some reason.
âRight,â Allison said. âBut they look exactly like us, besides that!â
Just then, another gender swap walked into Franciscaâs room. The gender swap had a hat covering their hair, and was wearing sunglasses. âWho are you?â Kierra asked the new gender swap.
âIâm Prudence,â the new gender swap introduced.
Oh great, this is just what we needed; another character to add to the mix. The other girls have barely been developed yet! All we know is that Felicity, Allison, and Francisca are stupid, Alexis is shy, Iscah is weird, Louella is bossy, and Arianaâs a Mary-Sue. Every other trait the characters may have is just âimpliedïżœïżœïżœ because theyâre gender bends of characters that should be well known to the intended audience of this fanfic.
Whose human name starts with âPruâ, though? Hm, I wonderâŠ
âI donât see your gender swap out there,â Louella said. âMaybe they didnât care.â
Whoa shit!! Thatâs a crazy rude thing to say! What if Germany wasnât there, Louella? Then what? What if thatâs actually Prudenceâs swap and not yours?
And apparently Louella can read the narration that called Prudence a gender bend because otherwise sheâd have no reason to assume that Prudence is a gender bend.
âI actually have something to tell you about the men out there,â Prudence said.
âHm?â Ariana asked.
âThey arenât the real nations. Theyâre different people dressed up as the countries.â Prudence said.
âYou mean like Santa Claus?â Felicity asked.
âYeah, sure.â Prudence responded.
And they justâŠbuy this? These guys look exactly like the girls, but older and male. It would be different if the girls looked more like their canonical Nyotalia appearances, but like I keep saying, they just look like their counterparts with boobs and (occasionally) longer hair! What are the chances that there could be any other troupe of people that look exactly like them?
âThat canât be true!â Louella shouted. âThey look exactly like theyâre supposed to! They canât be fake!â tears developed in her eyes. âThey canât beâŠâ
âBut they are,â Prudence said.
âNo they arenât! China even has a panda!â Yiesha stated.
Thatâs a terrible verb to use. It would have been more apt to use âobjectedâ, âarguedâ, or even âexclaimedâ if you want to stretch it a bit (though admittedly that verb was used for something Felicity said earlier). âStatedâ makes it sound like sheâs calmly giving Prudence this info, which she isnât. Itâs an observation in the form of an exclamation, not really a statement.
âFake panda.â Prudence said.
âBut who would do that? Bringing up the feelings of a little girl looking for her counterpart just for laughs⊠Thatâs cruel!â Francisca cried.
âI know.â Prudence said. âI suggest running away.â
âHow would that solve anything?â Kierra asked.
âYeah, and Prussia would come looking for us anyway.â Allison said.
âBelieve me, he wonât.â Prudence said.
And responses like these just make it obvious that Prudence is a jerk who shouldnât be trusted. Because yeah, if it wasnât obvious, this girl is an antagonistâŠand a pretty crappy one at that.
âI agree with Prudence,â Alexis said. The other gender swaps, excluding Prudence, looked at her as if she was invisible until now.
She probably was, but thatâs beside the point. Why does Alexis agree with what Prudence is saying? Prudence is saying that the guys down there are imposters, so they should break out as soon as possibleâwhy that wasnât the swapsâ plan from the start, I donât knowâand leave. That was Prussiaâs plan! All evidence points to him wanting these girls to be let out into the wild to fend for themselves so he can dick with everyone and Alexis is the only one who knows this, so why is she so apt to go along with what Prudence is saying? If anything, the others should be agreeing to leave and Alexis should be the speaker of the Cassandra Truth she never told everyoneâthat being that Prussia wants them to leave and this wears-sunglasses-inside-and-wears-a-cap-to-cover-their-hair weirdo is probably on his side if sheâs pursuing the same outcome!
âIf the real countries didnât want to come see us themselves, then they must not care very much. And I know how that feels far too well. And anyway, I bet our gender swaps are only interested in us so they can make us into their slaves.â
In that aspect I can see what she meansâshe doesnât want to get taken by a bunch of random men after being kidnapped because they could be child traffickersâbut what does claiming the countries are fakes have to do with that? You can have Alexis say that they should escape on the grounds that these strange men could be dangerous, but donât word it like âWe shouldnât go with them because they didnât care enough to come themselves which means that we wonât be happy with themâ. Thatâs whatâs written there and that doesnât make sense. It would have been much easier to claim that the men were dangerousâŠbut as youâll see later, thereâs a reason why that explanation wasnât used.
The girls looked at Alexis, astonished, until Louella spoke up. âYes, Canadiaâs right.
Do I need a counter specifically counting all of the times that Canada has been mistakenly called âCanadiaâ? Itâs happened at least once a chapter now and itâs quickly getting old.
-ALEXIS ABUSE +1
If they didnât care enough to get us in person, than we can just leave. Theyâll have to deal with it, for not coming in person.â
This becomes comical later when we find out what their next plan after escaping is. Just wait, itâs really great.
Some of the gender swaps started saying negative things about the plan, before Louella said, âItâs decided! Weâre doing it. We still have fifteen minutes for conversation, and during conversation, the doors are unlocked.â
Well Jesus Christ, now Louella is kidnapping a bunch of girls against their will!
âWe could leave using the window in my room,â Allison suggested. âItâs at the very back of the house, so those fakes wouldnât see us!â
âSounds like a plan,â Kierra said. âAnd I like it.â
âSo, letâs go!â Allison exclaimed. âIâll tie together all of our bedsheets, and weâll climb down!â
ButâŠI guess apparently Allison and Kierra are pretty submissive? Either that or, somehow, the possible smartest person in the group thought this was a good idea from the start (Kierra, I mean). I can see Allison wanting to bust open a window and run off without thinking much about a plan, but not Kierra.
Ariana looked to Prudence. âPrudence, are you coming?â she asked.
âNo,â Prudence said. âMy gender swap called me personally and told me heâd meet me here in person.â
âWho is your gender swap?â Francisca asked.
âThatâs not important, plus youâve only got ten minutes now!â Prudence said, grabbing Franciscaâs bedsheet and tossing it to Allison. âSo gather the other bedsheets and get moving!â
AndâŠNobody finds this suspicious? Shouldnât they be questioning where Prudence got a phone from if she was kidnapped as well? Not to mention how eager she is to brush her counterpartâs identity under the rug! Seriously, has no one caught on to this shitty hat-and-glasses disguise yet?
The other gender swaps nodded, and they all got their bedsheets and gathered in Allisonâs room, where Allison tied together the bedsheets and rolled the makeshift rope out of the window after tying one end to her bedpost. âLetâs go,â Allison said. With that, the gender swaps one by one climbed out the window, with a firm grasp on the bedsheet rope. Prudence stood in Allisonâs room and watched the other gender swaps go. She smirked.
Oh big shocker, Prudence was evil the whole time. But I really question why they didnât do this in the first place if it was an option. If they had just done this and went to the police before being brainwashed, all of the upcoming nonsense could easily have been avoided.
The nations, who were in fact real,
I find it hilarious beyond words that past me felt the need to remind the reader unless they, too, were convinced by Prudenceâs masterful ability to lie.
stood at Prussiaâs door until the red-eyed nation opened the door. âHello,â Prussia greeted.
âWhere are our gender swaps?â Germany immediately questioned.
âPatience, patience. Iâll get them.â Prussia said, closing the door.
âWow I need to grab some Adderall off of the shelf for you West, you clearly need a chill pillâ
âI hope we came soon enough,â France said.
âYeah. I can only imagine a girl me getting caught by another country,â America said.
Well yeah, no shit, you can only imagine that because you donât have any idea what this girl looks like or if she even exists. This line just annoys me.
Prussia opened the door again, and the nations were surprised to see he didnât have anyone with him. âThey arenât here anymore.â He said.
Germany questioned, âWhat did you do to them?â
âMe? I didnât do a thing to those girls.â Prussia said, trying to sound innocent.
âWe know youâre lying, dude,â America said.
ButâŠwhy would Prussia try to make himself sound suspicious if he didnât actually do anything to them? He could just say âOh shit they escaped!!!â and cause the same response minus the âeveryone wants to punch him nowâ side effect.
âIâm serious! Come look,â Prussia said, opening the door so the countries could come in. Prussia led the countries to the living room that the girls used, and showed them each room was empty. But the nations couldnât make out where all the bedsheets had gone, until Germany found them tied together and hanging out Allisonâs window.
âSee, I told you so,â Prussia said. âThey left on their own.â
You didnât tell them shit dude, you just said âthey arenât here anymoreâ and then acted needlessly shifty just to piss them off.
âWell, then, we have to find them!â England said.
âGo ahead,â Prussia said. The nations climbed down the bedsheets one by one, and couldnât see their gender swaps anywhere.
The situation is so dire that the nations couldnât possibly go downstairs and use the front door like normal people!!
âCome on, they couldâve gotten far by now!â Germany said. The nations followed him as he ran away.
And itâs justâŠreally funny seeing the opposite of âthey couldnât have gotten farâ used here. âWATCH OUT MEN, THEYâRE LITTLE GIRLS. GOD KNOWS HOW FAR THEYâVE GOTTEN ON THEIR LITTLE GIRL LEGS.â
Prudence walked up behind Prussia as they left. âHowâd I do?â Prudence asked, taking her hat and sunglasses off to reveal long white hair and red eyes.
âBetter than I thought youâd do.â Prussia said.
That reveal is completely pointless considering how obvious it is that Prudence is Prussiaâs gender swap. She was the only person in the building besides him that wanted the girls to wander off into the wilderness, she hid her appearance from the start, and she was acting suspicious when it would have been easy not to be. And it already included her smirking after they left! With that reveal, itâs just redundant to reveal again that sheâs a bad guy.
And now that I can finally mention it, how come Prudenceâs name comes from Prussiaâs country name rather than his human name? The only other person to suffer from a name that doesnât make sense in this context is Alexis, but even then hers is just supposed to be similar to Allison. Her name should be Gillian or something, a name that could actually come from Gilbert.
Meanwhile, the gender swaps had already made it to the airport the nations had gotten there from.
I guess I did say that it was relatively close, but Iâm sure that grown men who know the terrain would be able to catch up to a bunch of lost teenage girls way before theyâd be able to, oh, I donât know, get on a plane to America and escape home or something.
âHow much money does everyone have?â Louella asked. Ariana whipped out ten dollars, Allison pulled out two, claiming âI used the rest of itâ,
I thought that joke was a big âTAKE THATâ back in the day because the U.S. is in debt, but so are a bunch of other countries so ehh. Itâs a big one, sure, but thatâs not even a good way to tell that joke. It would be a lot more topical if Allison had money but Yiesha demanded to have it since she loaned Allison ten bucks to buy food earlier.
all of the other gender swaps brought out fives and tens, but Iscah pulled out fifty dollars. After no one wanted to question how Iscah had gotten fifty dollars,
That had better damn well not be a joke about prostitution. I wouldnât be surprised if it was. I mean, it could have always been obtained by means of larceny or extortion (from Allison?) but it wasnât said so I canât label it as innocent right away.
they pooled their money together and found they had just enough money to send each of them to their respective countries
Not only does this prove that theyâre GOING TO THEIR COUNTERPARTSâ COUNTRIES OF ORIGIN in order to avoid them, itâs also stupid because they have, what, $100 USD between them and theyâre able to afford nine plane tickets in Germany? This has to take place in the past because thatâs impossible.
(Except Alexis, who had to ride with Allison and take a bus to Canada)
Oh great, you just had to add that extra potshot.
-ALEXIS ABUSE +1
Ariana walked to her plane, the remaining countries whoâs planes were not yet departing (Louella, Felicity, and Kierra) waving to her.
Where is Louella flying? Is she just going to board a plane in BerlinâŠin order to fly to Berlin again and back to the building she just escaped from??
âBye,â Ariana said was she boarded the plane. She sat in a seat,
As opposed toâŠa geometric cube?
and nobody was sitting beside her. She looked out a window to see Germany and the other nations not far from the airport. âThose fakes probably just want to take us back so they donât get in trouble,â Ariana thought, as the plane took off.
Yeah, they want to take us back, so instead, weâll take ourselves back! Take that?
The nations finally made it to the airport, and Louella, Kierra, and Felicity were already gone.
âTheyâre gone!â Italy said.
âThey probably assumed we wouldnât be coming, and just flew to our countries to see us.â Germany said.
Is this some kind of Twilight Zone story? In what universe would that be the first assumption that everyone jumps to??
âThe gender swaps should have waited a little longer, and then theyâd be able to meet us,â France said.
âI bet it was Americaâs gender swap. She probably said, âIf they arenât coming to us, weâll go to them!'â England said.
âNo, it must have been yours, England! She must have said, âIf those bloody countries wonât come to see us, then weâll go see them!'â America said.
Orrrr they just left because they were kidnapped children and wanted to go home??
Then all of the countries were blaming each otherâs gender swaps for coming up with the idea to leave, until Germany said, âWhat about Prussiaâs? Maybe she tricked them into thinking we wouldnât come!â
âYeah, it was probably Prussiaâs gender swap!â America said.
But who said that he has one?? You didnât see one there and you assume that Prussia would mention something like that, so why does Germany magically know exactly whatâs going on?
âWell, if theyâre already on planes, then we need to buy tickets now!â China said.
âAgreed,â Japan said. So each of the countries bought tickets and got in planes to their separate countries.
Theyâre going to kill the ozone layer with all of these plane rides. Theyâre just lucky that, in the minutes after the that planes all left coincidentally at the same time to go exactly where all of the swaps (minus Alexis) needed to go had already taken off, there were more planes lying in wait for them.
Well, thereâs another chapter of Genderswapped Nations out of the way. Next time you can come back to expect Ice Town times nine, the emergence of Plastic Manâs gender swap, and some of the worst terroristic threats youâve ever heard in your life.
(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER=5)
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 2
Hello all, welcome back to Genderswapped Nations! Last time, we found an American girl named Ariana being kidnapped by Prussia and dragged to Germany against her will amongst a bunch of other American girls because Prussia thinks theyâre the female versions of the personifications of entire countries and wants to lure said countries to Germany for whatever reason. Now for chapter 2, when things get interesting.
..And yes, Iâm aware that it is both a Friday and a few months after I launched this blog. Iâm a fuckup.Â
Chapter 2: Conversation and Costumes
In the long scheme of things this title isnât horrendous, but itâs still not good. Every chapter has conversations, so the only relevant word to the plot of the chapter is âcostumesâ.
âŠand unfortunately, thatâs also one of the worst parts of this chapter.
The door to Arianaâs room opened, revealing one living room with the other eight gender swapped nations sitting on four sofas.
TITLE DROP!
Ariana sat on the sofa with Louella and Kierra. However, when Ariana sat down, Louella stood. She walked to the center of the living room.
Wow, thatâs cold.
âGirls, let us first silently thank that Prussia guy for letting us have one hour to converse amongst ourselves.â She said.
1; youâre not really thanking him âsilentlyâ if youâre thanking him out loud. 2; how do you know that youâll be able to talk to one another for an hour? Who told you this information and didnât tell the others?
Ariana noticed that Louella was gaining a German accent, like she had begun to develop an English accent and see a flying green bunny everywhere.
What the hell? Are they just shapeshifting into miniature versions of their counterparts through magic? Did Ariana magically inherit the same hallucinations as England somehow?
âAnyway, this is about what to call each other. Everyone knows what nation they are the gender swap of, correct?â
All of the girls nodded. âAnyway,â Louella continued. âWe will now refer to ourselves and each other as our male counterpart countries. For example, my name is now Germany.â
âNo, Louella!â Felicity whined. âYour name is so pretty, donât replace it!â
âNow ItalyâŠâ Louella began. âWe need to act like our counterparts more. Donât argue, just do it!â
Okay, this is ridiculous. They havenât even met their counterparts, donât even know if they really exist, and yet Louella is totally set on pretending to be them for some reason. They arenât actual nations, theyâre just a bunch of kids! Even the nations get âhumanâ names when they arenât personifi-nations, so if these kids arenât nations, why are they insistent on calling themselves by nation names?
By the way, hey guys, some German extremist kidnapper told me that Iâm the female version of the male-gendered personification of the Shenandoah River. Donât call me Kitty anymore. Call me Shenandoah River. I know thatâs stupid because male!Shenandoah River, who is the actual Shenandoah River that has been around since it was carved by the glaciers that cut across North America millions of years ago, is a good friend of ours, but trust me on this. That guy who was cackling like a supervillain and doesnât seem to have a real plan is just really convincing for some reason.
âWhy do we have to listen to you, Louella?â Ariana asked curtly.
âBecause I heard Germany leads the meetings with the nations,â Louella said smugly.
In the first episode of the anime and Paint it White, maybe, but not in real life politicsâand probably not in the canon of Hetalia, either.
âBut you arenât Germany!â Ariana said. âNone of us are supposed to be the nations they already exist! We donât need to copy them!â
âIs that right, England? Because youâre attitude is almost a mirror image to the real guy,â Louella noted.
How does Louella know this? And never mind that, this is just like Prussia labeling her as the literal embodiment of the UK in the last chapter because she said she liked tea, only here itâs because Ariana is complaining and England is known to complain. Everyone complains! Iâm complaining right now!
In fact, get in touch with Shenandoah River--heâs just as much as a whiner. I mean, he complains about the amount of E. coli thatâs been getting into his water, but hey, Iâm complaining about shit too.
Ariana realized that Louella was right. It must have been the room!
âŠHeh?
It was the room she was in that was leading her to act and sound like Britain, and made Louella feel like the boss of everyone else and want to change everyoneâs names!
What?
Louellaâs probably more like Germany than I am to England, she thought, because that Prussia guy noticed Louellaâs tough spirit in that throne room, and must have somehow made her turn into her counterpart faster.
Sudden confusing change in narrative, andâŠSay again?
Felicity was acting exactly like Italy, and knowing Prussiaâs image of Italy, her room was on low.
Well that doesnât make things any better. Thatâs just mean.
So to get things straight, these rooms are decked out with a lot of stuff thatâs meant to brainwash these kids into acting like theyâre from particular nationalities so that theyâll better fit Prussiaâs image for them so he can lure the other countries to Germany for some unknown reason? And these rooms have âknobsâ or something that can be used to set a room âon lowâ if wanted? If Germany has that sort of technology , then someone should be raising some red flags! Thatâs a major human rights violation, Iâd think.
But really, thatâs just about the stupidest thing Iâve heard all day. Â
Alexis got up, and headed for a door.
Just a door. She doesnât know which one. She could be walking into a screaming metal death trap as far as she knows.
âAmerica, where do you think youâre going?â Louella questioned.
âI have to find the restroom,â Alexis said.
Itâs been how long and nobodyâs had to use the bathroom yet? Thatâs not at all realistic. Somebody would be crying and complaining right now if this was a real kidnapping situation.
âAnd my name is not America! Iâm Canada!â
âWhatever you say, Canadia.â Louella said, before continuing to talk to the other gender swaps.
Alexisâs learned helplessness is real. Louella told them to start calling themselves and each other by their nation names and Alexis is the only person who went along with it. Not to mention the return of that stupid joke that probably only came up in the English dub of the anime once.
ALEXIS ABUSE +2
Alexis exited a random door from the eleven doors in the previous room.
Honey, you could be walking right into your death right now. Youâve been kidnapped by a probably-deranged person alongside a bunch of other little girls who are all getting stupid accents for some reason. What if you walked in on something you werenât supposed to see?
But instead of a restroom, she found herself behind Prussiaâs throne in the throne room. Prussia was talking to one of the black-clothes men when Alexis opened the door.
Like that! But why does Prussia randomly have a door leading from his âthrone roomâ (who the hell has a throne room just in their house) to a living room surrounded by eleven bedrooms? Why did he leave it unlocked? Prussia, one of those girlsâprobably your brotherâs counterpart, if I had to wager a guessâcould have hacked off the leg of a couch and used it to smash you in the head, allowing for an easy escape while youâre unconscious. Did you really not think this through?
âIâm not going to keep those girls for that long,â Prussia said. âIâm going to kick most of them out sometime tomorrow.â
If the nations arenât already coming from Berlin, then how do you expect a bunch of people to get to Germany from all over the globe, including from North America and Asia, within a day?
Is this meant to suggest that he doesnât want the nations to show up and get their gender swaps? Does he just want to troll everyone by leading them on to believe that they have gender swaps by brainwashing a bunch of girls and letting them out afterwards so theyâll never get to meet them?
Youâre walking on thin ice, man! Itâs a miracle that you havenât disappeared over all these years, donât push your luck by trying to get yourself killed!!
âWhat do you mean by âmost of themâ?â The black clothed man asked.
âIâm going to keep around only the gender swaps of the nations that would get the most pissed if I did that,â Prussia said. âIâm just going to keep the German one and maybe Americaâs and Englandâs gender swaps.â
He literally wants to die right now. He wants the other nations to kill him. He doesnât want to be the one to off himself, so heâs goading all of the other nations on so theyâll kill him and he can basically commit suicide by cop. Jiminy Cricket, this got dark fast.
âAnd youâre just going to send all the rest of them out into the cold?â The black clothed man asked.
âWhat else would I do with them?â Prussia questioned.
What the fuck time of year is it? Itâs cool enough that Ariana can hang around outside with earbuds in without freezing to death in America, but apparently itâs cold and snowy in Germany?
âYou could put them up for sale on the internet,â the black clothed man suggested.
âNah, do you know how often America is on the internet? Heâd bid on them in a second.â Prussia said, sounding somewhat bored.
America specifically? What about Sweden? Considering that he bought Sealand off of the internet (which is probably what this is a reference to), itâs far more likely (and far more canonical) that he would take notice rather than America. I mean, America should be hot on your tail because you kidnapped nine American citizens and brainwashed them, but apparently in this wild storyline heâs not.
Not to mention all of the continued child trafficking implications that come with the suggestion of selling little girls on the internet.
âSo, let me get this straight; youâre going to be sending six kids into other countries and expect for them not to be found?â the man asked.
Alright, who the heck is this guy? I love him. I want to give him a commendation for pigeonholing Prussiaâs entire plan for me.
âNow that I think of it, it would be a very bad idea to just send off those children and let them be other countriesâ slaves.
Past me, what year do you think it is? Illegal immigrants into other countries arenât taken as slaves, especially if theyâre little girls! Do I have to mention human trafficking again?
And I donât think they would last more than a second if they wandered into Switzerlandâs place!â Prussia exclaimed.
Because Switzerland is well known for shooting little girls who wander into Switzerland? Geneva Convention? That sketch in the anime about Italy being shot at for wandering into Switzerlandâs yard was a joke about Switzerland shooting down planes flying in its airfield during World War II because of its neutrality. Since WWII is over, heâd have no reason to shoot everyone who comes into his yard!
Youâll see a continued series of mistakes that occurred because I didnât know anything about history before watching this anime and took events/interactions literally instead of figuratively, often resulting in events that took place in the past (when the anime is primarily set) taking place--or continuing to take place--in the present (2012, that is--when this story is supposed to be set).
âBut, it would send the other countries into madness if something bad were to happen to their gender swaps⊠Still going with my plan.â With that, Prussia stood up, and left the throne room through a different door than the one Alexis was behind.
So he literally is just trying to troll all of the countries and make them want to kick his ass? I can see him being a troll, but I canât see him trying to make a bunch of other nationsâmost of them being his friendsâwant to wage war against him for no reason other than him, presumably, being bored.
Alexis gasped, and closed the door. She entered the living room area again, to see Louella speaking about what she believed would happen when they were released. âWe should all stick together if our counterparts decide not to bother picking us up,â Louella said. âAnd just try to reach an airport and get to our respective countries.â
You mean the United States? Because thatâs where youâre all from. You can speak with accents and call yourself by nation names all you want, but thatâs still where your parents and your citizenship remains. You donât even have passports with which to travel to other countries! It would be much easier to go to Interpol instead. And how do you mean to pay for all of those plane tickets across the world? With USD you may or may not have? Youâre in Germany!
Ariana noticed Alexis enter again.
This is a relatively rare occurrence, only happening now because Ariana is a Mary-Sue starting after the first chapter. Yeah, you didnât think it could get worse from there? It has.
âI have something to say, everyone,â Alexis began. But just as she was about to tell the rest of the gender swaps, Prussia entered.
âGet into your rooms now.â Prussia said simply. All of the girls left into their rooms, and Prussia exited again.
That was so curt and sudden and ridiculous that itâs almost hilarious. Itâs like Prussia knew that Alexis was about to tell them something important because the fourth wall told him so he popped in specifically to make her stop it. And everyone just went along with his demand even though they had no real reason to do so.
Later, the original England got on an airplane, along with all of the other countries with discovered counterparts.
Okay, so they werenât in Berlin earlier. In that case, where were they? Were they at the UN headquarters in New York or something? If thatâs the case, then why didnât America mention the fact that American citizens were kidnapped by German extremists?!
England had to sit beside France on the plane, so of course England had nothing to do.
âI bet your counterpart is very dumb,â France said when he noticed how angry England was because he had to sit beside him.
âI bet yours has a beard,â England said.
Boys, how old are you? Those are obviously insults written by a twelve-year-old me, not to mention that theyâre totally random and stupid. Neither had really any prompting to insult the other and doing so is only going to make the flight more uncomfortable for both of them.
France growled, and the speakers in the plane boomed. âThis will be a day long flight. Passengers, please fasten your seatbelts. Get ready for takeoff.â The place then ascended into the air (With a frightened Italy and annoyed Germany on board), on its way to pick up the counterparts.
On its way to re-kidnap kidnapped girls.
Ariana fell asleep that night, woke up and saw an odd figure looming over her bed. Ariana didnât know who or what it was, but certainly hoped it wasnât Iscah.
Oh yeah, she exists and I guess everyone is now afraid of her even though she hasnât said a single word since she was introduced last chapter (no really, go look! Sheâs been mute this entire time). But why would she assume it was one of the other girls? The door is locked so no one can get in or out without, presumably, a key. Even if they could somehow get out of their rooms, itâs impossible to think they could have gotten into Arianaâs.Â
But the English counterpart turned on the lights to Francisca. Ariana screamed. âFrancisca, what are you doing in my room?â she asked franticly.
Oh, I guess she was right to suspect one of the other girls. But still, how did Francisca get in? She would have had to phase through the door like some kind of specter.
In a full-blown French accent,
As opposed to a half-blown French accent I guess,
Francisca replied, âI just got the sudden urge to stalk you. I donât know why.â She then chuckled exactly like France.
Iâm sorry, what? Thatâs not normal for any person to say or do! Thatâs not even something France would do in canon! What the fuck?
âHow did you even get in here?â Ariana asked.
âWhen Prussia dismissed us to our rooms, I hid under a couch until everyone was gone, and when you were napping, I snuck underneath your bed.â Francisca said with a sly smile.
Thatâs ridiculous! If the doors are all lockedâpresumably using an automatic lock system or keysâthen how would Francisca get into Arianaâs room by locking herself out of her own room and then going into Arianaâs? If Prussiaâs lock system could so easily be thwarted by a thirteen year old, then whatâs the point of it?
âSo, now what?â Ariana asked after a short span of awkward silence.
âI donât know, what would France do about now?â Francisca questioned.
I donât know, fuck off? You scared and humiliated your rival, now leave and stop creeping around like some weirdo.
âŠand if you couldnât tell from this entire situation, younger me really didnât like France. She thought he was a weirdo. I mean, heâs not a saint, but at least he doesnât do this.
âDoes that even matter?â Ariana asked.
An ominous voice from Arianaâs closet said, âI know what France would doâŠâ
What is that meant to imply? It had better goddamn not be what I think it is, past me. I will knock you into this Tuesday.
âIscah, get out here!â Ariana shouted.
Iscah exited the closet,
Insert a joke here.
and walked over to Ariana, who just got out of bed. âAnd what where you doing in here, Iscah?â Ariana asked.
Iscahâs face turned ominous as she said, âYou would be freaked out if I told you.â
What, were you going to murder her? Or were you just intending to scare her further?
âIâm already freaked out! Iâm just glad Francisca woke me up before you could do anything to me,â Ariana said.
âI wasnât planning to wake you up,â Francisca said.
âYou were just going to let Iscah do whatever she was planning to do to me?â Ariana asked.
âPretty much,â Francisca said, nodding.
Oh my god, she is. Past me was implying rape. What. The. Fuck.
I WAS TWELVE WHEN I WROTE THIS.
âSo I can go to sleep sane,â Ariana said. âAnyone else in my room?â
Allison stepped out from the closet.
Insert a joke but with more USUK shipteasing here.
âAnd why are you here?â Ariana asked.
âIscah was in my room, and she was creeping me out way too much.â Allison said with a frightened face as Iscah looked to her with the ominous face.
âSo, you decided to come into my room, hide in the closet, and then wait there until morning?â Ariana asked.
âWell, yeah.â Allison said, sounding very dim-witted.
âthe ominous faceâ
No but seriously, if Allison was running away from Iscah, then why would she enter Arianaâs closet along with Iscah and chill out in there until Ariana told her to come out?
âWill everybody just get out of here?â Ariana questioned.
Allison walked to the door, and tried to open it. âNope, weâre locked in.â
Well no shit! What did you expect? Itâs a miracle that you managed to glitch through your door to get here in the first place, Allison! You didnât hide in the living room to access Arianaâs room (which apparently works, according to Francisca), so your escape doesnât make any sense. But really, if all of these girls could just leave their rooms anyway, why donât they ollie out of Prussiaâs lair and get the police before any more shenanigans can happen?
Ariana screamed in a very ghastly manner, because now she had to share a room with Francisca and Iscah, and only Iscah because Allison had led her in here.
âBut why would you sneak in here and not Felicityâs room? She wouldnât have woken up.â Ariana said.
Uhh, wow, thanks for throwing Felicity under the bus for no reason Ariana. What did she ever do to you to warrant you calling her stupid earlier and trying to have her room invaded now??
âShe wasnât there.â Allison said.
And shame on you for having the same idea!!
Just then, the Italy counterpart stuck her head out from under Arianaâs bed. âHello, everybody!â she said in a cheerful matter before receding back under the bad after seeing all of the other counterparts staring at her. âGoodbye!â she said as she went back under the bed.
See? Look how precious she is! Never mind that she has no reason to be in here right now, she didnât do anything to deserve such horrible treatment from her new friends!
Ariana had a creeped out face that she then replaced with uneasy smile. âIscah and Francisca, would you go into the closet?â
Both of the two counterparts went into the closet,
UmâŠwhy? Isnât Francisca freaked out by Iscah as well? What reason would there be for them to go in there together? Theyâre not being forced and, if Iscah is supposed to be a carbon clone of Russia, then she shouldnât appreciate being bossed around by someone âweakâ like Ariana.
and Ariana covered the door with the desk and chair in her room so they wouldnât be able to do anything to her during the night.
And yet she doesnât do this to Allison becauseâŠsheâs not as creepy? Plot twist; she was actually the one who showed up to draw dicks on Arianaâs face while she was asleep. The others just have really crappy motives (especially Felicity, who has no motive).
âNow no one else wants to hang out with Iscah and Francisca in that closet, correct?â Ariana asked the other counterparts in an eerie manner. When all of thee counterparts
Three? But Felicity and Allison are the only ones not in the closet right now. Are there any other Squidwards I should know about??
slowly shook their heads, Ariana flopped back into bed and fell asleep.
Luckily for her, this encounter with âdangerousâ people didnât make her any less apt to go to sleep. But is threatening Allison and Felicity really necessary? Allison was trying to get away from Iscah in the first place and is probably muttering Catholic prayers and backing away from the closet right now and Iâll be damned if Felicity is going to try any weird shit in the middle of the night. The worst I can see her doing is crawling into or onto Arianaâs bed because she got scared.
While she was sleeping, Francisca began to wail from the closet. If Ariana was awake, sheâs be thinking âOnly God knows what terrible things Iscahâs doing in there.â
This statement is a mess not just because of the diction and grammar, but because of the implied violence/adolescent rape. Seriously, what was my fascination with rape all about?
But I have to wonder, if the other swaps sleep in Arianaâs brainwashing room, will they all become British too? Thatâs how the rooms are said to work, so did they justâŠsuddenly stop working alongside the locks on all of the doors?
The next morning, the nationâs airplane landed, and the nations left the plane after grabbing their luggage.
Theyâre just planning on picking up a bunch of girls, arenât they? How much luggage do they need?
All of the countries had a good idea about what their counterpart looked like, except Italy, who just imagined Chibitalia.
I canât tell if this is a dig at Italy for being stupid or a dig at the others for thinking that their counterparts would look like them with long hair (if even that) and boobs.
âWhere are we supposed to go?â Italy asked Germany.
âWell, I guess to Prussiaâs ouse,â Germany replied.
You meanâŠyour house, right? You do know where your own house is, donât you? Considering that you took a plane to get to your own country, Iâm not too sure.
âIâll lead everyone there!â America volunteered.
âYouâd just get us lost,â England sneered.
âYes, and Germany should know the way better than anybody.â Japan said.
Yes, becauseâagainâitâs HIS HOUSE.
America pouted as Germany led them to Prussiaâs house (Which was relatively close, but caused America to exclaim âDude, It was that way?â)
âDude, Iâm a Flanderized character!?â
On that same morning at the same time,
UmâŠdidnât want to opt for the âMeanwhileâ, past me?
Ariana woke up. She noticed Allison, who was sleeping on the floor with a blanket,
A blanket from hammerspace, I presume.
had glasses on. âThatâs weird, Allison wasnât wearing glasses last night,â Ariana thought.
Probably because Nyotalia America doesnât need glasses.
âAnd why am I so hot?â
Wow thatâs an uncharacteristically haughty thing to say Ariana watch your ego!!!
She stepped out of bed, and noticed that she was wearing the same uniform as England casually wore, but the shirt part was a dress, and had a black ribbon instead of a tie.
âWhaaa?â Ariana questioned loudly enough to wake Felicity and Allison.
âWAAAAâ for Waluigi is right. A shirt dress? Why not just give her a feminized version of Englandâs uniform instead if you really want to rip off the originalsâ style? Like, the jacketâs the same but the pants are a skirt instead. Shirt dresses should only be worn to bed.
âWhatâs going on?â Allison asked, reaching to rub her eyes but rubbing her glasses instead. âAnd what happened to my eye?â
âYou have glasses on, you moron.â Ariana answered plainly.
Hey, thatâs an understandable mistake to make. People donât usually sleep with glasses on their face, and when they do, they usually fall off. Allison has every reason to wonder if thereâs something wrong with her eyes. They must be deceiving her because something impossible in real life just happened.
âI do?â Allison said. She got up, and walked to the mirror present in Arianaâs room. Allison gasped when she noticed her now smudged glasses and shirt dress and brown ribbon. âDude,â she said, dumbfounded.
SoâŠEveryone has a shirt dress? Eww. Past me needs to learn about style. I mean, have you seen the canon Nyotalia designs? Theyâre adorable. Iâm in love with half of those girls. Maybe not America so much, but the others are great. So why disregard those designs in favor of these ugly ones?
All of the girls discovered they wore the same shirt dresses and ribbons, except Iscah, who just wore Russiaâs outfit with tights instead of pants.
Actually, that outfit sounds kind of cute. Commendations in that regard.
When the time came for the conversation hour, all of the girls were blaming each other for their new, and rather uncomfortable and unstylish, costumes.
Why would they immediately blame each other and not Prussia or his mysterious âblack-clothes menâ?
But Felicity didnât seem to mid hers a bit, and neither did Iscah or Francisca.
âSilence!â Louella shouted.
No but seriously, a thirteen year old girl has no reason to speak like this.
âWe donât need to blame each other, because it was me!â
âWhat?â Ariana asked.
âWhatâ is right! How did Louella manage to sew all of these designs (somehow knowing what their counterparts wore), leave her room, enter the rooms of the other swaps, undress them, and redress them without anyone waking up and noticing? And how did she know that Francisca and Iscah were in Arianaâs closet, Allison was on Arianaâs floor, and Felicity was under the bed and account for that without waking anybody up?
âI donât even need glasses!â Allison shouted. She threw the glasses off of her face, and began to walk around. âSee, those were use-âshe was cut off when she tripped over a couch and fell right beside her glasses. She put them on again.
âŠSo she threw her glasses onto the groundâpresumably at her feetâ, walked forward, tripped over a large couch, and somehow landed back where sheâd discarded her glasses so she could put them on again? Never mind the fact that tripping over a couch is impossible, that thing with the glasses had to involve some sort of teleportation.
I know that I meant to say that she âtripped over the couchâs leg/footâ rather than âshe tripped over a couchâ , but thatâs how the finished product was released so thatâs what Iâm reviewing. And now we have a mental image of an Allison GMOD model flying into the air, flipping over a couch, and landing face first into the floor.
âI like it,â Francisca said.
âShut it, Francisca,â Ariana said.
Just what this fic neededâmore pointless conflict!
âI spent all day yesterday designing these, stop complaining!â Louella said. âI thought our counterparts would want us more if we resembled them even more.â
Iâm sorry, what? Why is Louella so determined to go along with these people Prussia says is coming to get them? What is she running away from?
AndâŠshe does know that their counterparts canât see them right now, right? So whatâs the purpose in dressing like idiots in the meantime?
âWe were fine without these outfits!â Yiesha shouted, sending the group once again into chaos. The girls were quieted when the chime of a doorbell rang throughout the room.
âWho is it?â Kierra questioned.
âItâs Himaruya, here to save everyone with the canon and erase all of the out of place references to rapeâ
âIâll look out the window in Franciscaâs room. It has a view right above the door.â Ariana said, walking into the French counterpartâs room.
Uhhh, Iâm sorry?? First of all, how did Ariana know this? Second, if thereâs a straight-up WINDOW in one of the rooms, why donât they just leave out of the window and go to the police??
She glanced out of the window, and gasped. She ran back into the room with the other girls. âYou wonât believe this!â she exclaimed. âItâs them! Theyâre here!â
But will they want their gender swaps if it turns out that theyâre all clairvoyant teenagers cosplaying as badly-designed female counterparts??
It seems like itâs over now, doesnât it? You just wait⊠(Creepy Iscah face)
Oh yes, thatâŠwell-known creepy Iscah face. You mean ( ͥ° ÍÊ ÍĄÂ°)?
Anyway, that was chapter 2 and BOY HOWDY was that an experience. Itâs only getting worse since the first chapter and I promise, it only gets more convoluted and stupid from here on out. Come back next time for some crappy spy work, sick burns, and really, really flawed logic.
(CANADA/ALEXIS ABUSE COUNTER: 3)
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Genderswapped Nations Review - Chapter 1
Hello there, my dear reader. Welcome to the first review of what may be my magnum opus of cringe, a little Hetalia fanfic called Genderswapped Nations. This was the second fanfic I ever wroteâthe first being an Ojamajo Doremi fanfic thatâs missing and presumed dead that I never finishedâand boy oh boy is it terrible. Knowing this, past versions of myself tried make lemonade with rotted smelly lemons and reboot this little fic...three different times. Not only that, but this thing also has a sequel taking place in Alexandria, VA (a place Iâve never been before) which is somehow even worse than the original. So why was I so obsessed with a 20 chapter fanfic I wrote in the wee hours of the morning based on a stupid fantasy I had when I was twelve? Letâs take a look and find out.
Chapter 1: Kidnappers and Kids
Alright, I should probably get to this right away. I wanted to have a theme for the chapter titles, so I made them all alliterative for some extra charm. This chapter is one of the chapters in which this made for a pretty awkward title. Trust me though, it gets much worse than âKidnappers and Kidsâ(which is really the equivalent of calling Hetalia âCountrymen and Countriesâ).Â
But Iâm stalling now. Letâs get into the meat of things.
A young girl was sitting outside, listening to her music and occasionally singing little bits of the song.
Good start to a Hetalia ficâalready this OC is totally isolated from a lot of Hetaliaâs canon. You canât really be involved in the historic events that make up the bulk of Hetalia if youâre some random girl listening to music on her iPod and muttering to yourself in the middle of nowhere.
She was about 13, and had medium length blonde hair, emerald eyes, and odd looking eyebrows.
And that was at that moment that the unfortunate reader who clicked on this fic knew: they fucked up.Â
I shouldnât need to go into detail about all of the things that are wrong with this idea, but Iâll touch up on it. First of all, at the time of making this fic, Iâm fairly sure that Nyotaliaâthe canonical genderbent version of Hetaliaâalready existed. Such a thing came with human name suggestions, appearances, and some distinctions that make the gender bends different from their counterpart, some drastically and some in minor ways (fem!Italy is more accident-prone/likes getting into fights, fem!America prefers hot dogs to hamburgers, fem!Canada has a polar bear named Kumarie rather than Kumajiro, etc.) and incorporating it into this fic would have made it a lot more canonically sound than the abominable backstory youâre about to hear about this fem!England who just looks like England with longer hair and her soon-to-be friends.
Suddenly, two men dressed head to toe in black dashed at the girl, and snatched her up, leaving her music player behind. The girl was about to protest, before one of the two men covered her mouth with a rag and she was knocked out.
Alright, so Iâm counting two unnecessary commas, but besides that, WHOA NELLY THAT WAS RUSHED. No buildup, no suspense, no anticipation, just âand then a guy showed up and kidnapped herâ. And was no one around to see a thirteen year old girl get dragged away by two guys dressed like stereotypical burglars in broad daylight? Where the hell is she anyway? Iâm sure I intended for her to be, like, outside of her house or something, but if thatâs canon then it gets brought up way too late in the story. If she is outside of her house, then whereâs her family? Surely that wouldnât just happen in broad daylight and those guys would escape in the middle of a neighborhood with an unconscious little girl without being questioned.
When the girl was awaken,
Nice.
she was in a poorly-lighted
Niiiiiiiice.
room with only two chairs and a table, and only one other person was in the room; a man whose facial features were unable to be seen because of the lighting. She was tied to a chair sitting across from the mystery man's.
Again, everythingâs happening too damn fast. The narration can barely keep its breath long enough to describe the surroundings. Past me just wants to get to the action and skip all of the details on the way. This makes the story feel like some haze where nothing is detailed but stuffâs still happening, like in a dream. And unless the sequence is a dream, then you donât write plot-important scenes like this.
Not to mention how funny I find the juxtaposition of âthe room was dark and scary and there was a spooky man sitting across from her!!!!!! and also she was tied in a chair too.â
"What's going on?" The girl asked. "Where am I?"
"That is none of your concern, I assure you," the man replied. "But I must ask, little girl, what is your first name?"
"Ariana, why?" the girl replied.
Yeah, this is totally natural dialogue between a kidnapper and the little girl heâs just kidnapped.
The man made a couple marks on a piece of paper sitting on the desk with a red pen. He completely ignored Ariana's question and continued by asking, "So, how do you feel about tea, Ariana?"
Iâm seething, this is so bad. There were so many other questions you could ask to figure out if sheâs fem!England, so many more scientific means then by saying, âDoes she look like him? Does her name start with the first two letters of his human name? Does she like the same things? Then itâs GOTTA BE HER GUYS LETâS GET HER.â
"I've never really had a formal tea party," Ariana said. "But I like tea."
The man nodded, and marked off something on his sheet.
Thatâs a satisfactory answer? That could apply to a lot of people, especially in the UK. Thatâs like a prosecutor asking a defendant, âSo, did you stab the victim with the knife?â and the defendant answering, âNo, but I did cut up some fruit with a knife earlier.âÂ
And then the judge leaps onto their desk and screams, âBOOK HIM BAILIFF, THIS IS OUR GUY!!!!â and I guess the defense attorney is just looking on with concern as he cuts up an apple with a knife off to the side.Â
"Now, I have only one more question," The mystery man said. He held up a picture of a man with the same eyes, hair, and eyebrows as Ariana. "Do you recognize this man?"
âYes sir, heâs the Rule 63 version of meâ
"He feels so familiarâŠ" Ariana began. "But I don't believe I have met someone like that before."
Ariana likes to talk like a computer when she gets kidnapped because maybe then theyâll assume that sheâs an escaped android with a sophisticated AI based after the personality of an anime character and let her go so they can find the real fem!England. Thatâs also why her appearance is so incorrect to canonâIâm sure it fits soundly in the uncanny valley somewhere.
The mystery man seemed to smirk a little,
And yet Ariana still couldnât see his face, nope, not at all,
and snapped his fingers. The two men from earlier untied Ariana, and dragged her out of the room through a door she did not know was there. The heels of her shoes were being scraped
What kind of shoes was she wearing to make them do that
as she was dragged though an equally dim-lighted
OI THATâS ENOUGH
hallway until she was almost literally thrown into a room with about three other children. The door was slammed behind her.
Again with these really calm simple sentences after Frankenstein run-on sentences of action! âSHE GOT DRAGGGGGGED DOWN THE HALL AND THROWN INTO A ROOM WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER KIDS and then they shut the door.â
This room seemed to be lit better,
OH SHIT ITâS LIT
because Ariana could easily observe what the other three children looked like; a girl with her blonde hair smoothened backwards and sinister-looking blue eyes, a girl with short black hair and brown eyes, and a girl with short curly brown hair and brown eyes.
And again we encounter the same problem with these obvious gender bends of the Axis powers. Fem!Germany and fem!Japan both look exactly like their counterparts and although fem!Italy looks similar to her canon Nyotalia appearance, her description is still ambiguous enough that it sounds like a bland OCâs. (For the record, Nyotalia Japan does have the same description, but that was completely unintentional on my part. This character is really just Japan with boobs.)
"Hello, what's your name?" The brown haired girl asked Ariana.
"Ariana," She replied. "So now that I've traduced myself,
Traduce (v): to speak maliciously and falsely of; slander; defame
Thatâs an unfortunate misspelling...and thatâs not to mention the fact that all she said was her name! She didnât introduce _or _traduce herself at all!
who are you three?"
"I'm Felicity," the brown haired girl replied, before pointing to the blonde girl and saying, "This is Louella," and then pointing to the black haired girl and said, "And this is Kierra."
"Hello," Kierra said.
Well itâs great to know that youâre all getting along just fine, but is nobody traumatized or scared by the fact that you were all violently abducted from your homes in broad daylight and dragged to some strange location against your will with a bunch of other girls your age? If I didnât know better, I would claim that this is some kind of human trafficking incident instead of some quirky adventure where gender bends pretend to be their counterparts for a while.Â
"So, do you know what's going on?" Louella asked Ariana in a suspicious way.
"Are you implying that I'm behind all this?" Ariana questioned.
"Yeah, maybe I am," Louella challenged.
No please thatâs not what I meant by âbe scaredâ donât toss around the Conflict Ball you might concuss someone
"Louella, I'm pretty sure this girl didn't do this," Felicity said. "Because if she did, she wouldn't lock herself in here with us."
Unless it was an accident. (X Files theme plays)
No but seriously, why would Louella be suspicious of Ariana in particular and not any of the other girls? And couldnât she see that the people who took her were obviously adults and not a gang of shrimply thirteen year old girls?
"She right," Kierra said.
And it was at this time that Kierra, getting sick of the awfulness of this story, decided move to the ghetto in hopes of escaping. Unfortunately for herâand usâhowever, we still have nineteen chapters after this to go.
Just then, the metal door confining them opened again, and another child was thrown in. The child had very long blonde hair, longer than Ariana's, and had bright blue eyes.
"What's going on?" the new girl asked.
Oh good, itâs fem!France. I guess Iâm not ready to get rid of the conflict ball yet. And then Ariana snarks by saying,
"We honestly have no idea," Ariana said, before Felicity butted in by saying, "Hey there! I'm Felicity, and these other three kids are Ariana, Louella, and Kierra! Who are you?"
The girl looked confused as she said, "I'm Francisca. So you're sure you don't know what's going on?"
"No," Louella said.
Oh I guess theyâre not going to fight right away. Thatâs fine. Iâm sure in the time theyâll be spending in the cell together theyâll get to--
Over the course of a day,
Oh never mind no theyâre not. I guess we really donât need character development in this fic, do we?
a girl named Allison whom had dirty blonde hair and blue eyes was thrown in, along with a girl who wears
watch your tense kid
her dark brown hair in a ponytail named Yiesha
I have never seen or heard this name before in my life. I only chose it because it started with the same letter as Chinaâs human name and itâs not even a Chinese name. And I didnât mention it earlier, but Kierra isnât a Japanese name either...
Something strange is going on here.
and a creepy blonde girl named Iscah. Only after Iscah who was the last one there was thrown in, the door opened and the eight girls were led out. They walked down the same dull hallway as Ariana had been dragged down earlier with ropes binding their hands and connecting each one to another. Francisca glanced back at Ariana with a wink, and Ariana grimaced.
I see, the conflict ball just got juggled around while past me time skipped because she got bored of introducing characters.Â
Iscah was at the end of the binding line, and a creeped-out Yiesha was in front of her.
And I guess that happened too even though Iscah was thrown in last and they got taken out of the room right after she was?
The girls were led into a large room, with two big lit torches softly illuminating a throne with a man sitting on it.
Wow, talk about melodramatic for no good reason. Thereâs no reason to be so royal about kidnapping a bunch of children from around the world. That means that the guy whoâs doing this has to be some sort of narcissistic international criminal who--
The man had white hair, pale skin, and reddish eyes. He seemed to be smirking.
God, Jesus, Lord in heaven, save my ailing soul. Yes, your first assumption from the description was rightâitâs Prussia. I guess he decided that any chance he could get to look cool in front of a lot of potential fangirls was good enough for him, even if heâs now committed crimes in eight different countries including his own. Donât ask me, I donât know either. Something something âtake over the worldâ, I think. Iâm sorry for past meâs idiocy.
The girls were led to nine chairs, and while still binded, sat down. The man at the throne stood, and Louella seemed to tense a little.
"Hello, there girls-"the man began, before glancing to the empty ninth chair and noting to one of the men dressed in black, "Where is the ninth one?"
"She must still be in the room," one of the men said. "I'll go get her."
"There was another girl in there?" Allison asked Louella, who turned her head to avoid the question.
Shouldnât they have known? The door slammed open every time a new kid was thrown in. Even if fem!Canada is as invisible as her counterpart, at least their captorsâ interaction with the environment should have tipped them off to the presence of another girl. Especially Allison, whoâs supposed to be fem!Canadaâs sister!
The man returned with a girl looking eerily similar to Allison. "This is Alexis.
You have to wonder how the name âAlexisâ came from âMatthewâ. All of the other girls have names starting with the first few letters/sounds of their counterpartâs human name (Ariana from Arthur, Allison from Alfred, Felicity from Feliciano, etc.) but these two names have nothing alike. Keep this in mind for later.Â
Now sit down." Alexis seemingly floated over to the ninth chair and sat down, and to the other girl's confusion, tied herself to the others.
...Okay, but why? Learned helplessness? Has...Has Alexis been kidnapped before?
The man at the throne continued after clearing his throat. "Girls, I am the awesome Prussia, and I am the most awesome person you will ever meet."
"Stop talking about yourself and get to the point!" Louella shouted. Prussia lifted an eyebrow.
âFlanderization, whatâs that?â
"Anyway, you girls are the gender swapped versions of nine different people." Prussia continued after an awkward silence due to Louella's comment.
"Well, who are they?" Allison asked.
"They are the people who will come here to get you kids, or face the fact they'll never meet their gender swaps!" Prussia said, before laughing evilly a little.
That has to be the most stereotypical villain thing to do and say in the world. And thatâs not put in there as a âlol Prussiaâs super melodramaticâ joke either, thatâs meant to be taken seriously.Â
Also, I just love how these girls are going along with all of this nonsense without questioning if Prussia is really sane. Theyâre just like âOh, we got kidnapped because weâre the female versions of the personifications of our home countries? Seems legit.â
"You mean that guy in the picture?" Ariana asked.
"Yes, that was Arthur Kirkland, AKA England." Prussia said.
"Who was the guy I was shown?" Louella questioned.
Prussia said, "That was Ludwig. He's commonly known as Germany."
Who is your BROTHER, and will be none too happy that youâre being an international supervillain and taking part in human trafficking for no good reason. Not to mention that this entire exchange is really embarrassing and awkward to read if you know anything about Hetalia. Itâs just telling you information you should already know if youâve seen anything Hetalia-related in your life!
After all the other girls were told about their male counterparts,
Oh, thank god I didnât arbitrarily list off all of the other names. I was cringing enough as it was.
each of them were unbinded
Nice word, too bad itâs not real.Â
and sent to rooms fitting more to their counterparts then them.
Yâknow, something like that is actually an interesting idea and would be a good way to show the difference between the female and male versions of each nation. Prussia wouldnât know what the differences would be, so he would just assume theyâre direct female versions of the males. Of course, though, there isnât any difference in this fanfic, so it doesnât have that sort of significance. Instead....
For example, Ariana's room had the British flag everywhere,
Yes, this is the only thing related to Britain (and England as a character) that could possibly decorate this room. Totally.Â
and Ariana, being American, felt very awkward.
...excuse me? The personification of THE UNITED KINGDOM is AMERICAN in this fanfic??
Now the catâs out of the bag and one of the biggest problems with this fic is revealed; the entire cast is whitewashed and made American. Thereâs a stupid explanation as to how they start adapting to their nation counterpartsâ cultures and gain their accents (accents from the English dub, of course) but theyâre all originally American. I canât even begin to explain why thatâs completely awful, but Iâm sure you can see the problem with this yourself.Â
At about the same time Ariana was taken, the countries were having a meeting.
Oh great, letâs see how these guys are written.
Every country, excluding Prussia,
Despite the fact that Prussia isnât a country, you mean?
was present, and then Germany began. "I bring attention to this letter from Prussia."
Why would Prussia send his brother a letter when he just as easily could have found him hanging out and said âHey West, I kidnapped a bunch of American girls for no good reasonâ?
He opened the letter, and began to read. "This is Prussia, the most awesome person who's ever lived. So awesome that I surpass many others who believe they're as awesome as me. So awesome-"
FLANDERIZATION, WHATâS THAT???
"Can we skip the part about him talking about himself?" England said rather loudly.
Germany flipped past three pages, and then continued.
Okay, okay...Thatâs a little funny if only because of how over-the-top it is.Â
 "Putting myself aside for a second, I wish to inform you that we've found the gender swaps of North Italy, Germany, Japan, England, America, China, France, Russia, and Canadia.
Classy. I wish I knew how many times that joke was used in the dub (because I was completely opposed to seeing any of Hetalia subbed back in the day). Probably just once, if I had to wager a guess. Allow this to be the first point in a counter youâll find I need to make for these reviews; the âCanada/Alexis Abuse Counterâ. So...Â
CANADA ABUSE +1
If you want to meet them before we let them out never to be seen again, I suggest you get here as fast as you can. Sincerely, the Awesome Prussia."
So...heâs just going to kidnap these kids and let them loose in Europe for no good reason? Whatâs his motive in doing this? All we know so far is that he kidnapped these kids and wants the other nations to show up to Germany to take them off of his hands for...some reason. Does he want to kill everyone? But why???
The countries named all had looks of concern, except Italy, who was just spaced out.
Of course, because Italy is such an idiot that he didnât catch anything that was just said and nobodyâs going to explain this incredibly important information to him even though it directly involves him and his Rule 63 counterpart. Iâd make a counter for all of the times that Italy/Felicity are uncharacteristically stupid, but then Iâd need a counter for every time America/Allison are uncharacteristically childish/stupid/cruel, every time Prussia is characterized as a supervillain, and...you get the drill. But youâd better get used to things like this, theyâre commonplace in Genderswapped Nations. Almost the bread and butter, really.Â
"What do we do?" France asked. "We can't just let the gender swaps of us go out and get lost! They might get captured."
Oh no! Random American girls have escaped into the European countryside after being kidnapped from their homes and are going to get...captured by other countries? They arenât soldiers who can become prisoners of war, theyâre missing persons. Youâd think the United Nations or Interpol or someone would get involved before these girls would be taken prisoner by some terrorist organization who believes in Rule 63 as much as Prussia does.Â
"We all know you just want to put your gender swap to work," England teased France.
First of all, ewwww; second of all, thatâs a little ironic since Englandâs English VA was busted for having child pornography. So even more ewww!
Donât forget, I was super into South Park when I wrote this fic and I really hated France at the same time. So somehow, those two things spawned this...joke?
"No, we aren't going into all that fighting again!" Germany shouted before France could respond to England's taunt.
"We should just go down there and kick Prussia's-"America considered, before he was cut off by Germany scolding Italy for not paying attention.
America, it would be very rude to kick Prussiaâs bird. You should know better than that! Also, shouldnât he be a lot more concerned about this situation considering that the girls that were kidnapped were American? Something like that is grounds for starting a war. Realistically, America should be pissed at Germany right now for letting his brother kidnap American civiliansâminors, no lessâand calling everyone to a meeting to discuss whatâs going to happen instead of intercepting the children himself.Â
Really, thatâs why it would have been a much better idea to make the characters from different nationalities! It would make a lot more sense for all of the nations to be personally involved if a girl from each of their countries was missing and, in the grand scheme of things, if the person representing a nationality was of that nationality.
"We just go to get the gender swaps," Japan said. "Plain and simple."
"Yes, that's all that's really needed." China agreed.
Well, you guys added nothing to the meeting. The letter told everyone to come to Germany to get the kids and you guys just agreed to it. I expect thereâll be some sort of debate over such a rash decision to--
"Agreed, we will all leave after we're done here," Germany said, before dismissing the meeting.
...Oh. I guess not? And I have to ask, where is this meeting being held? It has to be in Germany, considering that heâs the nation âin chargeâ of the meeting and the business pertains to something happening in his country. And assuming that both locations (the place where the meeting is taking place and Germanyâs house) are in the capital city of Germany (Berlin), they really just need to walk down the street to Germanyâs âhouseâ and sort things out with Prussia there.
Lol, like this hasn't been done before. I may not have gotten some of the personalities right, but still. Also, anyone notice Italy didn't say anything? That's a first :3
1.    Youâre right, this hasnât been done before. Itâs such a stupid, crazy idea that Iâm sure no one else thought of it. Finding some magic/interesting idea to merge the universes of Hetalia and Nyotalia? Yes. This? God, I hope not.Â
2.    Thatâs right, you didnât get some of the personalities right. You got all of them wrong.
3.    I did notice that, and I think weâre better for it. If Felicityâs oblivious, chipper dialogue was any indication of whatâs to come, then we donât want Italy to start talking.Â
But there you are! That was the first chapter of Genderswapped Nations, one of the worst stories I ever posted on the internet! Come back next time for more gender bent shenanigans, physics-defying stunts, and implied attempted rape amongst children! Yeah, Iâm not kidding.
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Hello all!
Iâve finally bit the bullet and moved my blog to Tumblr (after years of trying to pretend that this place didnât exist). Anyway, my name is Kittymonk (but you can call me Kitty or Kitmo for short) and Iâm here to review the shitty old fanfictions and short stories that I used to write when I was a wee little writer...and Iâve been writing for fourteen years now, so weâve got a lot of content to cover.Â
Now then, I used to have my blog on a Wordpress site, but because nobody cares about Wordpress, Iâll be porting most everything over there to this blog. Thatâll take a little while, but after that, you can expect regular fanfiction reviews on Tuesdays...or something like that. Iâm still trying to work out the logistics of these things. While youâre waiting for my newer reviews, though, I definitely invite you to read my old ones. And maybe the more recent Danganronpa fic I posted the prologue for back in March? You can read all of those things on my Wordpress blog (https://reviewingmyoldwork.wordpress.com/) before I post them here. You can go ahead and ignore all of the useless announcements though. The first fanfiction Iâll be reviewing is a Hetalia fanfic, but I have other fanfics that I plan to review in the Pokemon, Soul Eater, Dragon Ball, Warrior Cats, and South Park fandoms...along with a few products that spawned from my own stupid imagination.Â
Anyway, I hope that I can get to meet some cool new people here! These stories are going to be pretty bad (and embarrassing, at least for me) so itâll be nice having some friends to...âenjoyâ them with.Â
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