ladyjanstories - Tumblr blog

[ladyjanstories]

Zuko having a connection to the spirit world but instead of it being something deep and profound, it’s just because he spent three years pre-finding the avatar running towards the first weird magical shit he saw.

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Funny. 😆

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As the pain in my hands becomes more consistent, I know my drawing days are slowly ending. It saddens me because I know I can’t stop it, but I love doodling and sketching and painting.

Sometimes people don’t realize what chronic pain takes away. What a condition slowly steals. It takes joy. And we know it’s doing it.

Anyway this disability pride month I would like to shoutout disabled folks whose creativity has suffered because of their condition. I’m talking people with hand tremors and pain that stop them from drawing, knitting, and playing instruments. People whose thinking has become so disorganized that nothing they write makes sense to other people. People with chronic pain who can no longer dance. People so over medicated in a fruitless attempt to maintain stability that the wells of their imagination have run dry.

I see you and I love you. You are more than your creative output. You are not a shell of what you used to be. You are a whole, complete person, regardless of what your creativity has been, is now, or will be in the future.

[ladyjanstories]

Yes

Happy anniversary, Stonewall riots! Stay revolutionary!

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I need to say something and I need y'all to be calm

if it isn't actively bad or harmful, no representation should be called "too simple" or "too surface level"

I have a whole argument for this about the barbie movie but today I wanna talk about a show called "the babysitters club" on Netflix

(obligatory disclaimer that I watched only two episodes of this show so if it's super problematic I'm sorry) (yes. I know it's based on a book, this is about the show)

this is a silly 8+ show that my 9 year old sister is watching and it manages to tackle so many complex topics in such an easy way. basic premise is these 13 year old girls have a babysitting agency.

in one episode, a girl babysits this transfem kid. the approach is super simple, with the kid saying stuff like "oh no, those are my old boy clothes, these are my girl clothes". they have to go to the doctor and everyone is calling the kid by her dead name and using he/him and this 13 year old snaps at like a group of doctors and they all listen to her. it's pure fantasy and any person versed in trans theory would point out a bunch of mistakes.

but after watching this episode, my little sister started switching to my name instead of my dead name and intercalating he/him pronouns when talking about me.

one of the 13 years old is a diabetic and sometimes her whole personality is taken over by that. but she has this episode where she pushes herself to her limit and passes out and talks about being in a coma for a while because of not recognizing the limits of her disability.

and this allowed my 9 year old sister to understand me better when I say "I really want to play with you but right now my body physically can't do that" (I'm disabled). she has even asked me why I'm pushing myself, why I'm not using my crutches when I complain about pain.

my mom is 50 years old and watching this show with my sister. she said the episode about the diabetic girl helped her understand me and my disability better. she grew up disabled as well, but she was taught to shut up and power through.

yes, silly simple representation can annoy you if you've read thousands of pages about queer liberation or disability radical thought, but sometimes things are not for you.

[ladyjanstories]

this year while we all celebrate pride month and celebrate ourselves as well as those who came before us and paved the way for us to do so, we must also think of those in gaza, queer or not, who live every day under a brutal occupation and don’t have that same privilege. happy pride, and may we see a free palestine in this lifetime.

[ladyjanstories]

I don't really understand why people only consider destiel jack's dads, not just because sam is also there, but also because it's infinitely funnier if Jack says "I have more dads than most people" and means 1. the devil himself 2. the president of the united states 3. a fallen angel 4. that guy's situationship 5. number 4's brother

who is doing it like him

[ladyjanstories]

I think a question that irks me to no end from a doctor is: “do you think it’s menopause?”

Look, I did not go to medical school. When I come to the doctor, I have a certain level of expectation that they’ll have an idea what’s going on. Theories. Not a question for my opinion. Because no, I do not think this is menopause. I think it’s my body being its usual cruel self, hell-bent on making me suffer without a way to make it stop. It’s my fibromyalgia. It’s my anxiety. It’s other conditions we’re still testing for. Or yes, it may be from menopause because why not? But I’m not ruling anything out and I’d really appreciate if a doc wouldn’t suggest this easy do-nothing option. Menopause— whatcha gonna do, right?

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I’ve been weaned off a medication so I can start a new one to tackle pain better. Unfortunately this means I’m off all anxiety meds. I’ve had anxiety attacks throughout the week. Trying to be an assistant manager (demonstrating an ability to run a store) while dealing with this ON TOP of my usual physical pain has been a nightmare. I’m trying to “find time” to connect with staff and there are no good times. I feel like I’m not saying the right things when I do. I keep wanting to step down, admit I’m not wired for this. I’m too broken. Too many illnesses. Too many roles (to myself, to my bunnies, to my husband for whom I’m a caregiver.) For the past 5 weeks, I stop myself because I’m not in my right mind. Anxiety and depression and all my other mental issues are playing a part, but I just want to stop.

I should have booked the week off. Or taken a leave— but we need me working. I should have never applied.

It’s too much. There’s too much. Or it’s all in my head. I’m tired. I’m not eating right. I’m trying to take care of myself, but it’s hard. At what point is it clear pushing through needs to stop?

I feel pressure and my skin crawls and I cry and shiver and my heart feels like it races. And in front of staff, I have to be leading. If I want to be a manager, I have to work past all this. And I don’t know if it’s worth it. What if I put myself through all this, push through this agony, and it’s not worth it?

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One of those nights I hate everything, every decision I’ve ever made that led me to this pain filled body that turns my stomach. But I do love my Hubs and bun.

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Woke up in pain. It was actually part of my dream which is always a highlight.

It’s gotten to the point that the pain can be a baseline. When it’s throughout the body, when a sleeve brushing against an arm irritates, then it’s easier. It’s an even flow of hurt. The hard times are when it spikes, when there’s a sudden stabbing pain somewhere.

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Let me tell you a story…

Dogs weren’t domesticated; they weren’t in the sense one might think. Our ancestors didn’t seek out companions nor see them as useful. Nope, it was the animals who saw humans as useful. They saw the extra meat from hunters. They slowly followed our herds/packs/groups and helped us help them get food. Being closer became mutually beneficial.

Today, there are videos of dolphins and even small sharks seeking out humans for help. Removing a hook here. A wild animal getting the attention of a human to free one of their kind. They have seen how we can be useful. We marvel at this, but this is how it has always been. Through the usefulness, beyond the mutual benefits of bonds, then it seems they are not so wild… but perhaps that too is how they see us. Safe. Something to care for as well as it cares back.

So, when there is a pet, don’t forget the long line of choices that led to this. Humans did not see this as good at first, but the animals saw worth in us and trusted again, and again, and again until a dog wags its tail at the sight of a human, a cat will wander by for pets, a bunny will venture close, a bird will land on a hand.

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I have been on anxiety/depression medication for over 5 years and it’s been decided to switch. There’s another drug that can tackle all that *and* potentially help with fibromyalgia.

I have been detoxing for 2 weeks and I’m starting to question if I actually functioned properly before the meds. I mean, my levels of anxiety and depression right now are uncomfortably high a lot this week— and today is only Tuesday!

There are times I feel like I’m just treading water. I’m using so many coping techniques that I’ll give myself props for remembering them. The week I hit zero, I’m likely to take off work. I don’t know how I’ll survive otherwise.

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Wonderful. Fitting.

— KERI HULME

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I think I’ll just hate almost everything this morning. Body. Mind. Job. Finances. Weather. Politics. Society. Obligations. Eventual responsibilities.

Everything but Hubs and my bunny.

I’ll come around to hate less. But right, hate.

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The most frustrating part of my depression isn’t the numbness. It’s the knowledge of the numbness. It’s knowing I should feel joy. Seeing a bunny always makes me happy, but right now it doesn’t and I know it should. I enjoy my job, but right now I don’t feel it. It’s an emptiness. A void. But it’s knowing there doesn’t have to be, that there are times when there is no emptiness. Even feeling bad instead of empty is better. Because I get so frustrated that I can’t *feel* what I felt before. I should feel. I did. I know I did. Why can’t I now? What happens that makes me not feel? How do I turn it back on?

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There is no winning with chronic illnesses. They can be “manageable,” but they’re not really controllable. No matter how good a person is with diet, exercise, medications, and healthy routines, flare-ups still happen. I can try and try, and it won’t matter. My asthma, IBS, acid reflux, anxiety, depression, and/or fibromyalgia can decide to act up on a whim. I avoided the triggers. I did nearly everything right and still… chest pain or gut issues or depression goes up, or I have trouble standing.

Last month, I had a cancer scare. The lump turned out to be a cyst which will require monitoring. And then I had an episode of my head feeling very heavy, like I’d topple over if I stood up. My eyes kept closing and when I tried typing something to search, it ended up as gibberish. Except when I typed it, I knew I was typing the right letters. Only it wasn’t. It’s like when someone has a stroke and they think they’re speaking properly and the people who hear them know it’s nonsense. My speech was fine. Queue blood and urine tests to make sure I’m fine… and the result comes back with an issue. A marker that shouldn’t go above 7.5 is at 30.2. That marker is to look out for infection, inflammation, stroke, heart disease, etc. Now a few days before those tests I did miss a day of work with a fever (I thought I was cold and usual feeling crappy, turns out it was some chills and maybe not usual feeling crappy.) So I have to wait to test again and hopefully that score goes down. If it does, then it’s likely I’ve graduated to silent migraines— all the confusion, eye problems, and more without pain as a warning sign or symptom. Perhaps finally reached my quota.

But it sucks. I am trying here. I am really trying. I got a new position in the last 8 months and it’s like, my body still can’t calm down. I mean, I was diagnosed (though my doc keeps the door open in case a new symptom points to something else) with fibromyalgia before this new position. And I’ve most of my problems for decades. But none of them are ever controllable. None are ever done from making my life painful and hard and… I would really like to go a few months without a new level of pain or a new issue or a twist in how an illness operates or meds wearing off… it’s tiring. So tiring. And it feels almost made-up after awhile. Like, there’s no way this is all happening. At any moment someone is going to ask, “I thought you’d found a way to work with this?”

I thought I had. I thought I’d found out how to deal with everything in a way that my body accepted and then “breast cyst” and then silent migraines.

My new job requires 40hrs a week. I was doing 38 a week before. And somehow this 40 is so much. With everything happening, it feels like so much. When I feel like it’s ok, I get a surprise fever and this.