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laskareyne · 9 days ago

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Journal Without You | June 9 - June 15, 2025

June 9

I wanna carve your name into my skin and light body on fire as a sacrifice to your soul. I’ve lived for myself for years why is it a crime to, for once, find happiness at the devotion to another ? You're a liar and a fraud. That's all. Fuck you

June 10

I wanna call you :(. But anyways this is so fucking stupid. There is no reason we have to be no contact right now. Like what? You felt pressured all the time to talk to me BASED ON YOUR OWN LIES, NOTHING THAT I SAID, and instead of oh idk, listening to me and working through it, you decide to STOP TALKING TO ME, which is SUCH A GOOD IDEA TO LEARN THAT YOU CAN SET BOUNDARIES you silly dumbass. Like, all you're doing is hiding your feelings and refusing yourself the space to be able to like, feel thing. Just like you always do. You are pushing the issue away for future you to deal with when it bottles too much. You aren't "moving on" you are just distracting yourself, like you always do. This isn't healthy. But I can't do anything about it. I can't be your friend and help you realize this, and I'm sure all your current friends right now are telling you what a good choice this is. Isn't that weird? My friends are on my side, your friends are on yours. That really shows that neither of us are in the wrong huh? You truly do think this is the way to go. I wish you knew how wrong it was. Honestly? I want to build a future alongside you. Not in a way that you're committed to me, but I want a place by your side. I don't care if there's fifty other people alongside you as well, but I just want my place to just exist with you, however that may be. And truth be told? I know you'd want it to, if you would just be comfortable with being close to me. But you aren't, and that isn't your fault. But god does it hurt. Anyways, work only scheduled me for 24 hours next week which is bastardous >:[

June 11

I keep having dreams about you. Thing is, I don't remember enough about them when I wake up to know if they're bad or good. But I do know it always involves you coming back, or almost coming back. Just something. Which means this is some type of sign, but I just can't remember enough to figure out if its a warning or a blessing. I hope it's a good thing. I miss you It's nighttime now. I can see your at Ducky's house (I know its bad but I check Snapchat occasionally just to see if you opened my message and it said you were in "Oakland" which ik is always Ducky's house). I wonder if you're talking about me. I wonder if they hate me. I sent them a message a little while ago replying to their insta note and they left me on read. I hope they don't hate me, I'm sorry. It's storming out. I miss you. Did you know I don't really like storms? Sometimes they can calm me but a lot of the time something in my body just feels uncomfortable with the rumbling thunder and I get anxious and just bad. I want to be by you. I'm sorry.

June 12

I really miss you. This is so fucking stupid. There is no reason we can't talk, there is no reason we can't be friends. Just a few months ago you were craving my touch, my presence. You were yearning for me to be close to you. You're a fucking liar, to yourself. I know it sounds egotistical but I know you're lying to yourself this time and I fucking hate it. But whatever, I can't just force you to realize how fucking dumb you are can I? I'm sure all your friends are feeding it too, probably hating me and letting you convince yourself it's better without me. Fucking cunt. I've been playing a lot of Moonlighter, it's one of my favorite games and I forgot how much I love it. GAH, you'd love it too I wish you'd play it. You own it even, just OPEN ITTTTTTT YOU'LL LOVE IT I SWEAR. Anyways. I love you

June 13

I cried on my way home from work today. Want to know why? My birthday. The thing that will hurt me the most if we continue no contact for the summer is that, and I know it's so, so fucking childish. I know it sounds silly but that moment meant so much to me. It was something I've been looking forward to since we started talking last year. It has been such a huge thing in the little corner of my mind and it's one of the most important things to me. Stupid, I know. Why is a 19 year old girl so obsessed with someone just being there for her birthday? But it's how I am, for so many reasons that I've both told you and others that I haven't. I wonder if you'd even care. Not really, I know you don't. Because I tried to tell you how important you showing up for my birthday was, even if we weren't friends, but you couldn't even promise it, and truly I despise it. I want you there more than anything, it means the world to me.

June 14

It's midnight so I put this in today's date I guess... I called just to speak into your voicemail, sorry. But you cut me off... I was just talking and then it ended so I know you pressed for it to end, I'm sorry. Okay it's after my shift, I learned voicemail limit is 2 minutes not 5 like I thought so I guess you didn't cut me off (or you may not have, maybe you did just at perfect timing) WHOOPSIE DAISY. anyways i wrote in my notes app what I wanted to say anyways so here it is loll lOOOOOSER (how did I fuck up a voicemail ??????) I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I want to talk to you so bad. And, I know I shouldn’t and you’ll hate this but just speaking into the void that is your voicemail is really comforting but don’t worry I’m well aware you wouldn't have read or listened to it, it’s just a late night comfort because I really need it right now I’m sorry I’m just so lost and I miss you and it’s so hard for me to comprehend shit. Like I know what the issue was I know why you had to pull away it’s because I was attached and that scared you and- sorry that’s not for me to talk about right now um. But like I know why you did it but my soul can’t really understand why you couldn’t just you know, tell me yourself. Or how you went from just days earlier being like “I wanna call >:[“ to then being like “I never want to be reminded you exist again” and that’s what hurts me so much I guess I don’t know. Please know I’m not holding on to you- I know it seems different because I’m doing this right now but just idk like I said it’s a comforting void and I deserve this. I miss you. I miss the dogs. I miss Alyssa, your whole family. I miss you complaining about work and the dish dungeon, I want to hear you complain about your summer class, I miss sending you all the funny animals on TikTok, I miss sending you the pretty outfit concepts on instagram, I miss being upset at you staying up late because I thought it was bad for you but I just didn’t understand how important it was to your health to be active at that time and have that time with your online friends. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I was acting controlling asking for so many things and constant reassurance, I’m sorry I never knew how much of a burden that’d put on you. I’m sorry. I just want to say hi to you again, meow in your face, come over and watch anime and cringe over Ichiya, start sniffling and dying because Bryant gets in my face, watch horny cat get all up in Captains space. I miss hearing the situation ship between Alyssa and whoever (ik that’s been over but it was still fun) I miss everything. I’m sorry, I hope you have a goodnight. I have to be up early because I work opening shift tomorrow and I just.. needed this moment, thank you. Goodnight ANYWAYS that's that. I finished your sister's friendship bracelet a few days ago, it's so much wider than I thought it would be so I'm scrapping that idea (I'll still give it to her bc... yk, but I'ma make a new, actually good looking one whoopsie). I made you a new one too. It's aroace flag, to match the "trans" frog one. Truthfully, it's a symbol. Did you know almost everything I do (with thought) is a symbol (you'd know if you're given my letter when we talk, which would mean things did NOT go well but oh well!). It's not necessary to understand or anything, but it's kinda a fun puzzle if you're up for it to find the meaning behind a lot of the stuff I do. This time? This bracelet is a symbol of our new friendship. New bracelet, new friendship, new dynamic. Healed dynamic. It will be better. Anyways. I had a meltdown on my drive home too. I voice recorded it, save it incase you ever cared, and speaking gives me raw emotions that typing can't always provide so I know how I'm feeling when I word what I'll say to you in a few weeks. I wish I could send it to you. Not so you would respond, but just so you knew my thoughts.

June 15

I wanted to call you last night. Well, ask to. I played those voicemails back, the ones you sent me just a little less than a week before you blocked me, on your drive home from work when we would call but then I got overwhelmed. Remember those? One of them was you saying it had nothing to do with me, just an intrinsic problem with your feelings. You said you wanted me to just be comfortable being myself around you. You ruined everything. How did so much change in your mind in under a week? Anyways, I work opening shift tomorrow so I have to go to bed early so I'm finishing this entry earlier than normal. But anyways week three is over YAYYAYAYAY, I want to talk to you. I want to say everything EVERYTHINGNGGNGNGNGNG. I love you. No matter what that's not gonna change, no matter how much you hate me for it.

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laskareyne · 15 days ago

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Pigpen | June 10, 2025

Ghost in my own skin, My soul feels like it's lost Like it doesn't belong here. It's living in this house, Where the walls whisper only your name And the floors creak under the weight of the words never said.

I miss the way you said "hey" The way you asked about my day What I was doing. The way you talked to me like it was easy, Like it wasn't a chore. I miss the way your voice mended me, Fixed the holes without even trying.

Now? Life is but a pigpen Dirty, rotting, unclear. I wail in the mud of my own longing.

I want to be clean for you, Be worth the space I take up. But without you, I'm hardly even a body. I just exist, Haunted by the thump of my own heartbeat.

But it's not like I need your love. Not your hands. Just you. The way you laughed The way you rambled The way you misunderstood The way you just existed. It was enough, Just enough to be alive beside me.

But here I am, Alive, alone. I'm tired of living for myself. I want to live for the way you talk The way you get excited about nerdy things The way you looked when you thought The way you used to smile at me The way you made my world feel, And you made it less of a graveyard And more of a place worth staying in.

Come back. That's all I want. Not as a lover, Not as a savior, Just as you. As a friend. The one who tried to learn my birthday, But was always a bit off. The one that knew I liked purple. The one that knew the weight behind "I promise." The one that knew the meaning behind my gifts. The one that knew my fear of being touched. The you that didn't make me feel like an obligation.

Because right now, That's what I am. A wound that refuses to scab, Laying here, Bleeding out. Or a phone that never rings, Never even buzzes with your name.

Pigpen. That's my life. And I'm so, so fucking tired Of rolling in this dirt. Of missing you.

#creative #original #personal #poem #self discovery #poetry

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laskareyne · 21 days ago

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Wash Me Away | June 4, 2025

Your voice is a ghost in my ear I can hear its comfort Its tone Its love. It's almost like a voicemail I've left on read. You scurried into silence like a frightened mouse, Retracting into your borrow Running away from the predator that was our relationship But I'm still here I'm still bleeding. My hands shake daily, Shaking from the weight of all the words you didn't say All the words you did too Did you count the seconds between my texts? Did you groan every time my name lit up your screen? Did you hear the pauses when I had to hold my breath, and wonder when I'll be chosen first? I'm almost like a collection of your indifference. Every shelf is lined with the artifacts of your lies. "I'm sorry," "I want to," "I won't do it again." Lies. Lies lies lies lies lies. But I study them. Daily. Every minute Every second I'm conscious I search for what went wrong, What sin I committed to make me an afterthought My skin burns with the memory of you The time when my name wasn't a chore Wasn't a task on your to-do list When it left your lips so soundly Now I am just a task left unfinished Forgotten A draft to never be looked at again I want to break into you Into your chest, Listen to your heart Count the beats you held for me. Would there even be one? Or was it a facade you didn't bother cleaning up? Tell me something. When you scrub your skin clean from the day, Do I come off to? Or do I linger Like the dirt beneath your nails The grime you hate so much A stain you can't bleach out Am I a debt your body doesn't want to remember?

I would rot for one more minute Under your unmasked want. Hell, I'd rot for eternity here. Because it's with you And all I want is you But you moved on to cleaner air And here I am. Still here Gutting myself on the "maybe" you left behind.

#creative #original #personal #self discovery #poem #poetry #short poem

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laskareyne · 22 days ago

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Journal Without You | June 2 - June 8, 2025

June 2

I just wanna talk to you again. Ramble about my day, hear you complain about yours. See the dogs. I miss you

June 3

Midnight so it’s technically today. I’m tired. I want to just, time skip. I want to get hit by a car or something so I don’t have to be conscious this next month. I hope it kills me “i can’t even be mad at you bc we both ruined the relationship, you couldn’t love me and i couldn’t leave you” Can we talk again? 21:30. I wonder if you're learning to hate me. I'm scared you'll twist my intentions this whole time, make up more lies about me, convince yourself I'm a bad person. I miss you

June 4

I wonder if you'll replace me. I wonder if in this month you'll find other people to fill my spot. I'll become obsolete. Maybe you already have. What would you say then? "Why be friends when you don't offer anything to me"? Maybe that's what you'll say. Maybe you've really given up on me. I'm scared Tyler. Had a breakdown. I just want your voice. I don't even need your voice. I just want a "hello" a simple "hi !!!" something. I miss your presence, I miss the fact that you just existed. I wanna text you. I

June 5

Pain. Come back...

June 6

I wonder if I've even crossed your mind once yet. If so, I wonder what you felt when you thought of me. Hatred? Longing? Relief? Regret? Comfort? Who knows I wonder who's replacing the space in your life I filled.

June 7

I MISSS YOUUUUUU. anyways there’s this dude at work ~our age I think 21 ? Anyways his name is Rowan (like your roommate that’s scary) and he’s really chill and I’ve assigned him an “older brother” role in terms of like attachment or smth anyways but he has a mustache and it gives plumber vibes and idk how to feel about that (yes I do I hate it) anyways there also this older coworker named Ashley (maybe later 20s or 30s) and she’s really cool and chill too she collect pins and gave me some Ghibli pin. I wish I could show you. Are you happy? I’m “learning to live without you” you foul beast. (Come back I miss you and Otis and Bryant and Alyssa and)

June 8

Week two, over. I'm tired of this. In a week my online classes start and your second one does! I can't wait to hate it. I wonder how your current one is going, I'm sure you'd complain to me daily if we were still talking. I want to talk. I want to see the dogs. I want to die from the cats. I want to hear your voice. I don't care what words you say, I just want the comfort of your voice. Four weeks to go before we talk, three before I text you. Will you respond? Will you ignore me? What if I called, would you pick up? I'm making a friendship bracelet for your sister. It's pastelly rainbow and just says "love" on it. I thought it would be cute and gives kinda the "Christian love" aesthetic but also rainbow so kinda gay bc ik you mentioned before she's hidden herself a bit cause of high school and stuff. I hope you allow me to give it to her. I miss her I miss you

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laskareyne · 25 days ago

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Journal Without You | May 27 - June 1, 2025

May 27

We talked yesterday. I hated it. How are we so broken over a fabrication of reality? I had done nothing wrong you say, it's all a problem with you, with how you feel. But how you feel is just a made up reality? You felt trapped because of your own made up feelings, your own made up conceptions for how you had to act toward me? The same conceptions I told you were wrong numerous times? You felt a weight be lifted by blocking me because you weren't worried about all the stuff you made up yourself? How can you say you care about me, that you enjoyed the time we had. How can you punish me for something I didn't even do? It wasn't a problem with what happened, it's a problem with what you thought might. And what am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to.. just, be okay with something that wasn't even my fault? The only problem was you and just... you trying to dictate how I feel despite what I tell you... you keep making decisions for me and I hate it.

May 28

Day two... god I hate this. I worked my second shift today, really wanted to talk to you during it and rant like you always did to me. "FREE ME" remember that? "dish dungeon"? god I miss those days and yet they weren't even that long ago. I'm starting to wonder a lot, wonder why what happened happened you know. It's starting to feel like you're dead, not just that you're away for a while. God, day two and I'm already melodramatic. I wonder how you can say you care about me but then have no interest in even being able to say hi. I wonder if all of this fabrication was based on the fact I was basically your only in person friend. Most of your others were online or more distant and you only saw maybe once a month. Is that it? Was just the subconcious knowledge that you were physically closer to me make it feel like we were different and therefore had to act and expect different? I wonder, or maybe it's all just silly fantasy I'm making up. Bella is sleeping on my floor right now- oh, a bag rustled and now she's alert. You'd love it. I wish I could send it to you. I had Chinese for dinner! Work brought it in, which means I'm eating again yay! I had some bad light headed episodes too.. I wish I could tell you, I wonder if you'd even be concerned. Would you care? Would you just say "that sucks I'm glad you got through it" and then let it go? It's hard to tell what you think of me. I wish you'd just tell me you want me gone for good. because this whole "I don't hate you but I don't want to interact with you" is so confusing and... I miss you. All I really feel right now is that I miss you, and, and nothing I guess.

May 29

I just woke up but I had a chat with Grace last night and I wanna just copy and paste that here... It's gonna make today's entry super long but... yeah (grace is bolded)

i feel like in a way u should do ur best not to hope for him to wanna be friends again but instead try to move on from him completely.. ik i supported yalls friendship and relationship and everything and i don’t think he’s a bad person. BUT like you’ve said before how r u gonna cut off someone that u “care” about… like I think that is just not right…. I don’t think I caught up with all ur messages still but u said he just felt relief after not having to talk to u like WHAT ‼️ and ik I wasn’t there for all the conversations uve had so I may be missing some perspective but I think it’s still not right of him 😭 u deserve better friends and not someone who’s gonna cut u off because he feels obligated to respond to u (his own problem and could’ve voiced that to u, could’ve talked so much out and solved it) but instead resorts to defriending u on everything. like now I just think he’s not a good friend for u and u should move on. Ik it’s hard bc u care for him so much but it is definitely not mutual with the way he’s acting. like I think his valid are feeling as well, he obviously has some weird feelings about yalls friendship. and I do understand that sometimes things just happen and u feel weird, but also why I think u should move on cuz he really did not try to fix anything. mega unconfrontational leading to his demise

I’m well aware. We work very well together and I’m happy with him when he talks to me, that’s why I want this to continue. I have little hope but I’m leaving the option there. If he can be a friend then I’ll let him be a friend. I’m not just gonna fall to my knees the moment he appears before me again. I’m not gonna beg him to give it a chance, he’s a good person, we share a lot of similarities, we would be good friends if he would let himself process emotions for once at a healthy pace. If he can’t do that I’m not gonna just be like okay that’s fine let’s be friends anyways ! I hope for him to redeem himself but after all, He is just a man. What he needs is therapy, genuinely. If he can prove to me that he can be a friend then I have no issues. It’s up to him and what he wants and what he’s willing to put effort toward. And if thats not me then oh fucking well, his lost. I may be self deprecating but one thing I praise myself for is that I’m a good friend. I can be a raging bitch but I will always be there and always listen and I will always learn to be better with people I care about. If he doesn’t want something that meaningful and wants to throw a good friend away because he can’t be bothered to better himself then that’s on him I hope he faces the consequences. Our friendship before we dated and even the majority of our relationship was wonderful. I think breaking up, he got into his own head that things didn’t change when they did. I think that’s a huge part of it. Because this “no contact” is vastly different than the one he pulled when we broke up. And I’m sure there’s a reason and I wish I knew that reason but I don’t think it’s malice I think he’s hurting himself without knowing, that’s why I still push for it. Because he has a record of not doing things from himself and I’ll be damned if I sit here happily letting him do it again. I’m gonna at least give it the chance if he wants and realises it.

the problem to me is he’s constantly proving he can’t. he literally said he feels like he can’t be friends with u and his irl friends at the same time like wut 💔

That’s why I’m allowing space. To let him try and process and reset. Having me constantly there and keep triggering those feelings he had (even if they were made up) definitely didn’t help. Like I said I don’t have hope but I won’t throw the chance away

that’s fair i guess the point of mine is like what I just said , it’s kinda like he’s proving over and over he can’t be a good friend to u and even saying it like dang, I believe it 😭 bc everything he’s saying is highkey mean even if not intended that way. but ik yall have memories and a past and it’s not black and white. i just don’t like the way it developed 4 u

There’s a reason he said yes to allowing us to check in July. I don’t know that reason and I’m sure he doesn’t either, but he could and definitely would’ve said no in the moment if he truly didn’t want to or care.

didn’t he say it was just to make u happy and not bc he has hopes he’ll wanna be friends again

What I don’t like is that it developed based on false assumptions he made about how I feel and how I’d act. I understand it was based in anxiety I get that. But if you’re gonna throw me away it better be for a god damn reason other than “well I thought you’d be mad at me all the time…” YOU THOUGHT ??? Like toss me out because of something I did, not thought I would do. I know that doesn’t make it better but it just pmo that it’s the reason. There was no issues that developed, there was nothing. There was a fabricated reality he made up and couldn’t separate from, and that reality hurt him and affected him just as bad as if it had actually happened. I want to help him see the ACTUAL REALITY because I care about him despite the fuck ups he had. Because he doesn’t do this out of hating me he does this because he’s scared and honestly traumatised from the past. What he DOESNT UNDERSTAND is IGNORING THE PROBLEM DOWSNT HELP, but whaaaaatever if he wanna be bitch he can be bitch. he was like “I agreed to make you happy but like I’m gonna genuinely consider it when the time comes, but I don’t expect myself to be fine by then” type thing. but he obviously doesn’t care that much about making my happy with literally anything else, which is why I was like there’s another reason somehow somewhere. he literally almost said no to us even following each other again. Like he was fine with unblocking but he was like idk about following why do you want that and my first answer of “to make it feel like you’re still there” he was like no to, but then I reworded it like “it just makes it feel like you aren’t mad at me. Because you wouldn’t follow me if you hated me, but just cause you follow me doesn’t mean you will interact with me” and that reasoning he agreed to. aka there’s a weird line on how he sees me and it’s wonky and he’s stupid

ya lowkey w ur messages ur just like solidifiying my point 😭. in my head... idk if just seems not good and like burning bridges and and im too tire to say more and ik u feel how u feel and I understand queen

let me be clear your point is valid and I agree I’m just saying if he wants to try again I’ll allow it. it seems like he doesn't so, yk, but the option is there. Aka: the damage has been done. It’s up to him, do we rebuild or do we let it just become an abandoned ruin

Anyways, I'll write my actual entry for today later tonight but.. I felt that was important to add. As if you'd ever see it

You used to have a breakdown when trying to figure out if you had loved me romantically or not. You used to be stuck on "how much" you liked me. You... we were so close and now you... don't even want me in your life? What changed? When did the switch in your mind happen? When did I go from a partner to a obligation? When did you start hating me? I want to be with you. I want to be together, I want to be more than friends. But that... means nothing. Because I don't want to be partners I don't want to be committed I don't want you to devote every waking second to me, but I miss the connection we had. I miss when you said the issue was the romance, the devotion. You don't need devotion in a close friendship, you never did, you made that up. We can be close friends, but you refuse because what? Because what god awful idea? You say you can't be close friends with me and your online friends? You were close friends with them AND DATING ME? That is a vastly different emotional undertaking and you can't do something easier now? What the hell is wrong with you. What makes it so hard for you to just accept me in your life. What about me makes you want to throw up and look the other way? What did I do? Listen to the memory chaser by the covasettes again. Thats what I want to tell you. Thats all. Remember my explanation before we dated on why I sent that to you. Remember everything I said before we dated. God. Fuck you. Fuck your ability to have acted like you wanted me so close to you for so long, but now you can't even handle us being able to text each other. How can you go from saying "I want this I want to be close with someone like this and kiss someone and everything" to saying you can't even gaurantee us to ever be friends again? What the fuck. I worked so hard for you, I was willing to do anything. I worked at your pace, made sure you were comfortable with what we did/didn't do, and yet you don't even appreciate it. You're so despicable. Fuck, I love you.

May 30

I just woke up but god last night was BAD. Dream after dream and you just.. gone. Gone gone gone gone. Around 4 am I woke up from seeing you die. The last thing my mind saw was the life being taken out of you from infront of me. I was struggling, shaking and trying to let myself realize it was fake, it wasn't real. I wanted to text you, just be like "tyleeerrrr are you alive", or something that, wouldn't concern you but would reassure me. I almost did. I almost caved. Instead I just wrote the text, I opened out messages and just wrote it out basically saying "this is just for me to visually see me text you bc that means you must be alive and so i'm sorry" but I didn't press send. I deleted it. I didn't want to delete it. I'm scared, I don't want you being ripped away from me and... why am I refused to even confirm... I hate this. It's night time now, god I just MISS YOU. All I wanted to do during my shift was text you. I wanted to complain in the same ways you had always done to me when you worked. I wanted to text you, I wanted to call you on my drive home, I wanted to just EXIST to you again. I'm not doing the greatest. I cried again on my way home, kinda pathetic. I miss you. Um so I kinda maybe made a mistake and texted you to be fair in my head for a second I was like “wait it’s okay because he won’t text me back and it’s like I’m aware of that I’m basically just sending a msg into the void” and it didn’t click until after I pressed the button that I am also forbidden from texting but like deleting the msg is kinda worse so now I’m uh Whoopsie daisy

May 31

Just finished my shift, was an opening one (ew). Making this part of the entry around noonish, will do the rest later. Idk I wish I handled Monday a bit differently. Like, been a bit more transparent on what would change and that it's okay to be scared. For a brief moment you had said then we'd be friends but then you took it back, I wonder why. I wish you didn't. Monday was bad. I want a redo... god what I wouldn't give for a redo. I wonder a lot still. I wonder if you still had feelings for me. Like I know they weren't romantic, but they were special in their own way, and I wonder if they still existed and that is what scared you. Maybe it wasn't that you didn't "wanna" treat me differently, or how you did, but you did want to talk all the time, you did want to be close, you did want to hang out, but that didn't feel like the thing you should want from a friendship, so then your brain twisted it to be like you felt like you had to, because why else would you when you shouldn't? Or maybe I'm wrong. (Nighttime) I learned something today. Well, kinda. I knew the entire time you had a more avoidant attachment style, that's not news. But I've learned what that actually meant and how it affected you. You care about me, you enjoy the time we have, but you're scared of being important to me. You're scared of me loving you and not being able to reciprocate it, you're scared of losing yourself trying to give me what I want. It's not that you don't want it, it's that you start to get scared that you are losing your autonomy for me. That just because you want to be with someone and connect with someone, that you are sacrificing some parts of yourself with it. That's not true. I wish I could tell you it's not true. You never lost autonomy, you never lost the ability to choose, you never had to prioritize me. You need to let yourself feel, let yourself choose what is important to you, and be okay with being close to someone. I love you

June 1

Week one over (kinda, still have a few more hours technically kinda writing this part early). God, so many more to go! Still have 5ish weeks left. I miss you, but I'm so excited for when we talk again. Even if its just for that night, even if we leave that day going back to no contact, I'm so excited. I have so much to share with you, so much to tell you already. I miss you, and I know what to do. Now I just need to wait.

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laskareyne · 26 days ago

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Embrace | May 30, 2025

The sensation of your touch Lingers, ghost-like It breezes over my skin, But it's warm. A comfort, A strong, dull longing. It has overtaken the touch of him. The pain, The abuse, The degradation of my soul.

You used to love it too. What happened?

#creative #original #personal #self discovery #poem #poetry #short poem

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laskareyne · 1 month ago

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I miss you | May 24, 2025

It hasn’t even been a week

Since you up and left

No warning

No explanation

Just a “for both our wellbeing”

Didn’t even give me a chance to cry

To ask why

To just say goodbye

I miss your smile

I miss your laugh

I miss your logical brain

I miss your touch

I miss your hugs

I miss your reassurance

I miss your rambles

I miss being angry at you

I miss looking into your eyes

And seeing comfort

And seeing the friend I love

And remembering everything I know

October 17

January 10

Whale Goblin Shark

Black Cherry / Neapolitan

Allosaurus

Peanut Butter M&M’s

Strawberry Bonbons

TBHK

Fire Force

Your Lie in April

I Saw the TV Glow

Call Me by Your Name

Raccoons

Everything…

I tried to learn

I’m sorry I was slow

I’ll be better in our next lifetime

Goodbye

#creative #original #personal #self discovery #poem #poetry #short poem

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laskareyne · 1 month ago

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Two Birds | May 18, 2025

Two birds on a wire

One says come on

The other . . .

Can’t . . .

One flies through the distant skies

The other, clipped wings from the past

One sings of new beginnings

Of new ends

Of new life

The other a familiar tune

A melody of goodbyes.

Two birds,

On a wire,

Oh . . .

Just one

#creative #original #personal #self discovery #poetry #poem #short poem

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laskareyne · 1 month ago

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Skin Deep | May 14, 2025

I want to claw my brains and soul out of this vessel, Peel off my entire existence like its some bandage, Some thing to cover a wound, To almost prove to myself I’m more than a body.

But you? You can’t even bother to make me feel important. I hardly get a waking second of your time, A thought beyond a simple “I should reply.” I have to beg and remind you I exist, Insist for you to be the one to call me, To hang out with me, To remember me.

“Skin deep.” That’s all this is. It’s funny almost. I used to say that in a different context, In a time when I mutilated my own body, Felt so disgusted in my own skin I wanted it gone. But now? Now I say it as a metaphor, A way to express how you see me. Hell, it’s even less than that. At the very least, skin has nerves, It bleeds when you cut it. Believe me. I’d know. You? You just fold into yourself, A coward Playing victim before the blade even breathes on you.

God forbid a girl express herself, Without having to maneuver your self deprecation. God forbid I let myself scream, Cry, Rupture the pain you caused, Without having your hands fly up, Admitting you’re the “worst person” because of it. Throwing a tantrum disguised as self-hatred, Just to turn focus on you, As if my pain is another thing you get to make about you.

You’re such a raging bitch, A hollow shell of what once was. And here I am, Stitching myself closed over and over again, Just to keep myself from spilling out, From overwhelming you, From needing to come to you. Because it’s pathetic crying at your feet. Just to be met with guilt.

And what’s really stupid? Tomorrow I’ll feel different. Because deep down I know you don’t mean it. You care, Unfortunately. And tomorrow I’ll swallow up my feelings. And remember to comfort you again. Because despite everything, You’re still my entire world.

#creative #original #personal #self discovery #poem #poetry

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laskareyne · 1 month ago

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I'll Learn | May 11, 2025

I miss the feeling, Of being wanted. Of feeling important in a special way, Of being loved the way I wanted. The way that felt right, That didn't come with the sacrifice of my body.

To think I had it all, Absolute perfection came into my life so easily. I should've known it was too good to be true. Too good to know that one could look at me, Love me, Want me, But without the cost of taking my body. But of course, it must be one or the other. I can either be loved, Or I can own myself. I can't have both, Can't be loved without their thoughts screeching into my soul, Their desire making my body squirm in disgust. To be loved is to face the consequence of self-sacrifice.

I miss you. Well, I think. I miss knowing that someone actually loved me, That someone wanted me. Even if you wanted more of me than I wanted to give, You wanted me. Sometimes I wish I could go back, Wish I never left, Never ended everything. I endured nearly four years of torment, Self-hatred, Abuse. But in those years I at least knew I was worth something. And God do I miss it so much, That sometimes I want to just give in, Let myself be touched, used, As long as it means I'm worth it to someone.

Maybe that's what I have to do. If I want the love I desire so badly, I must pay the price of my own body. Maybe I have to live with that. Maybe I have to learn to just endure it, Get over the gut-wrenching sickness, The want to rip my body to shreds, To break at the mere thought of it. Maybe I'm just overreacting, And I just need to get over it. Because no one is going to want this, Want me as a person but not me as a body. And I need to accept that.

Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll learn to deal with it, Learn to suppress the feeling, Force myself to learn to enjoy it. Maybe . . .

#creative #original #personal #self discovery #poem #poetry

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laskareyne · 2 months ago

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Tenant of Guilt | April 26, 2025

You say "fine" as if this is a compromise, As if the shape us of is something that you can just tolerate, As if as long as the "edges" stay undefined, fuzzy, If the "label" is loose, hanging by a thread, If we don't call it "love" but something just barely close, Then we can exist. Us, a close friendship with benefits, can exist as a placeholder, A door kept wide open into the world so someone better can walk in. I don't want someone better, I wanted the future I painted of us, The beautifuly scenerary in the pastel hues I know you love. Our cat, our summer, our future, Our love. I wanted it to be a "we" that lingers, Maybe not forever, but at least a solidified now, A now with intention, Not an until, but a because. It's not even as if you lie, You say you want me happy, As if I'm supposed to see that as a gift. But happiness isn't just a house that can stand on "I guess." I don't want to rent out the place built on your guilt, Built on the "sure," the "why not," the "it's impossible to say no." I don't want to live in the resentment that echoes in your silence. I don't even need it to be kittens and roses, Just a you who chooses me without flinching. I don't need a grand gesture of devotion, Just a spot in your daydreams. Maybe Laska would like this Maybe we could go there Maybe next year . . . or the next . . . Maybe . . . But there is no maybe. This room of yours that I reside, that I occupy, It's empty. There's no furniture, no plans on the walls, Not even an us etched on the blueprint, Just a shrug and a stay if you want. I don't want to just "stay," I want to belong. I miss the version of you, The one who made me believe I could be loved, I could exist as I am. Ace, fluid, messy, enough. You made be believe it for a while, That asexual wasn't a flaw to work around, But a language we both speak, With your hands, your laughter, Your kiss, Like it was enough. Now I'm back to wondering if it's a myth, If I'll forever be forced to bargain with my own body, Begging to be wanted without betrayal, And you stand as a mirror, Reflecting everything back. Maybe loving me isn't possible Maybe I'm only welcomed as a friend, or as a body Maybe the price of companionship, Is giving up myself to the desire of whoever will take me. If I subtract my body from this scene, am I still left? Am I still able to be loved? Am I able to exist to someone beyond a friendship? Will I forever be a guest who's overstayed? I used to hate it, Hate myself for what I couldn't give. You made me forget it for a brief while. But I guess I can't escape it. Even still, a stubborn part of me clings to it, The ghost of this version of you. The one who, for the first time, Made me feel at home. Because we fit so perfectly, In every way that matters. But it was all a joke from the heavens. Right person, wrong heart. The universe laughs as it pulls the rug from under my feet. From under the almost it gave me. I'd settle for a mirage, If it didn't taste like old dust. I'd fake it till we make it, If only you had wanted to make it at all. But you don't. So here we are, A "relationship," With the quotations bolded and underlined, A future that's already been put in the footnotes. I guess at the very least I can say, I am loved, but only if I don't call it love.

#poem #poetry #creative #original #self discovery #personal #long poem #lost

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